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He's Gone-Part 1

Old 07-03-2012, 05:39 AM
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He's Gone-Part 1

I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I know I've got a long way to go to heal and to work on myself but I am looking forward to it and I felt a surge of excitement for the first time in a long time while driving to work this morning.

He finished packing last night and I stayed out of his way. I was proud of myself for not being the blubbering fool I thought I would have been weeks ago. I feel stronger but that little co dependent part of me that's still hanging around would have liked to have heard some sort of "sorry for all the hell I put you through" or "thank you for being there through all this" or even a "thanks for trying". But nothing.

And here is what is giving me power - yet, because I feel guilty over feeling 'power' from this, is that still being co-dependent? - he left suddenly without a word. His stuff was still there so I figured he went to get a pack of cigarettes. Finally, I went to bed and saw a text that he was at his uncle's. I knew exactly what that meant. He was getting his weed which used to be a ritual with him before he had to quit it for his last job. On one hand, I was so angry at his uncle, I mean, here is your nephew struggling with addiction and you hand him a bag of weed??? But then I simply felt disgust. And knew that his trip to his Mom's this week would probably not be focused on him checking out an inpatient facility. Even if he did, how seriously is he taking this if he's bringing pot with him? He even took his daughter which I don't think was productive but that's just my humble opinion.

In a week he'll be back to get the rest of this stuff but I'm moving it all down to the basement and changing the lock to the apartment.

Just out of curiosity, what's with the stealing or taking things that don't belong to you? I'm not talking about stealing valuables to sell to buy your DOC. I mean, taking things from a lost and found, saying you "forgot" that you were wearing/carrying/put in pocket an item from a store and walked out with it, bringing things home from his last job, even noticed he snagged a bunch of canned goods from my cabinets and hid them in his box of shoes (whatever, I can buy more). Is this part of the whole disease?
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Old 07-03-2012, 05:48 AM
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good for you for feeling good about something. i know that even though it was a very tough day, the day my exH moved out, i felt completely empowered by finally being on my own. i no longer felt that any of his issues were mine. it was like (as you said) a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders too. enjoy the moment and keep reminding that you are in a better position today. i can't comment on the rest of the stuff, but to be honest, does it matter? if he wants to keep screwing up his life then don't waste your energy even thinking about it or making sense of it. they are HIS issues to own. let them go. so my guess, your question about still being a codependent would still be, that you have still got room to grow. but hey, don't be hard on yourself, who doesn't have room to grow. enjoy your new found strength and power. you should be proud of yourself.
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Old 07-03-2012, 06:02 AM
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Addicts steal, addicts lie it is part of their disease. If they think they have put one over
on another it is a rush to them.

Keep moving forward, you are doing fine!
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Old 07-03-2012, 06:18 AM
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Just from one day to the next, after wondering if my compassion was going to keep dragging me down, I have suddenly shifted that compassion to a very detached emotion. It's there, but I have to really reach to feel it for my ex. My point is, it's not emotionally charged now.

I may not ever get the rest of the money he owes me. But I'm free.

What a difference just one day can make.
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Old 07-03-2012, 12:09 PM
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Hopeful,

I'll share my experience.

Addicts have this false sense of entitlement. They have a very blurred sense of right from wrong.

My addict owed me a few hundred bucks. Keep in mind I was a student living on a very tight budget with massive law school loans. He would come up with all sorts of excuses why he needed to borrow money and made me feel bad about his situation ...

long story short... to help him out when he freshly got cleaned, I told him, instead of paying me back X amount, since he is not working right now, he could pay me back X (less than what he owed me) amount instead. It was my kindness to help him at my cost.

Then he got a good job and got paid very well. He didnt have bills to pay because he was living with his sister (no rent) and had a old car to drive from his mom. He still wasnt paying me back. So I asked him if he could pay me back all of it (instead of the lesser amount) ... Guess his response?

"I'm not gonna pay you back the extra money just because you're being a cheap biatch"

WOOOOOOOOW.. REWIND PLEASE. I'm the cheap Beep when you're the one that owes people money and doesnt want to pay people back?!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Dont you have any any shame? How did your parents raised you?

I was so ready to cut him off then.

Of course then I got a phone call the next day begging for forgiveness, saying how wrong he was, that he loved me so much ... plus he gave me half of the money that he owed me, then I got sucked back into the abuse.

My parents always taught me never borrow money from people. That's what the banks are for... and if someone does any favor for you, you make sure you make it up and dont owe them anything. So my addict's thinking totally blew my mind. The fact that he thought he was entitled to pay me less money than he owed and that I was wrong to ask him to pay me back all of the money he borrowed/stole from me.

For a brief second, I thought I was crazy... but CLEARLY he was crazy. I dont even know why I ever doubted myself.
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Old 07-03-2012, 12:37 PM
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oh by the way, I forgot to add... after he got a job and started to get paid... he was spending it on concerts (the kind where everyone is high) and drinks at the bar.

So that was more important than paying me back.

Addicts are so selfish. Gah. I'm so glad I'm done with him. I wish him the best.

Like Beyonce would sing "Thank God I dodged a bullet"
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Old 07-03-2012, 05:54 PM
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Ooooops, thank you for sharing. You have shed yet more light on my own situation. I would often be literally shocked at the audacity (or more accurately, the ba**s he had) of him *expecting* me to pay for this or that. After paying 100% of the bills and what I could on food (often times we had barely anything in the fridge), the first time I noticed how lopsided his thinking was when he commented that I was being stingy for not spending more $ on food and should let a bill or two slide. And like a fool, I didn't smack him upside the head for that! (well, I wouldn't have but you know what I mean :-)

since, I've noticed that entitlement and it disgusts me. He actually would turn it around on me when I would get so stressed out at how bad our (or, rather, my) finances were and reminding him he needed to start paying me back because of the hole I was in and would comment that I'm the one who expects things and he hates when people "expect". Grrrrr, the more I think about it the more I see just how manipulative he was.

But you know, his daughter is the same way. I don't just chalk it up to teenage years because she would literally go into my bedroom (had no reason since he was sleeping on the couch), go through my things (not just what was lying around) and take whatever she felt she wanted. After so long, I put a lock on the door and SHE got mad at ME.

What the hell is wrong with people??

I am so glad I was brought up the way I was so I get what you said about how your parents raised you.
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