forsakenforgive

I was on a dating website. I had never met anyone from there before, and I met this man. He was different, challenging, and entertaining. After talking for a short while, we met up. I like to take things slow and feel a person out before getting near a relationship. Eventually we became friends.

I moved back in April to a new home and share the lease with my mother. I have a 4 year old daughter, but I simply don't make enough in this economy to live on my own.

Shortly after moving, my friend needed a place to go. He was being kicked out of the house he'd rented from his sponsor for some time. He was devastated. I didn't understand everything, and should have seen the red flags, but I let him move in as long as he paid his rent on time and helped around the house.

That never changed. He went to work 6 days a week in his familys business, and brought home the check for rent every week. However, late in may my mother confronted me about some important jewelry that had gone missing. Knowing my mom pretty well, I didn't even think twice and just assumed she'd lost it. She does it quite frequently. Not even a week later my mom came to me again saying the ring of my recently passed grandmother was gone.

Knowing my friends past I asked him and naturally he denied it. There had been warning signs of a relapse, and he had started going to IOP after work, so I believed him.

At the beginning of June I got a message one morning from my friend saying he was in the hospital. He'd OD'd on heroin, and simultaneously ruptured an abscess and gone septic.

Needless to say I was at the hospital the next day, and visited him nearly everyday. Through the hallucinations, him soiling himself, and even after he broke through a window to escape... I kept going. Crying the entire time.

Having finally connected with his mom, I realize the extent of his addiction over the last 10years, and up until this relapse, he had been sober over a year. He's now in rehab and has voiced that he KNOWS if he does drugs again, he will die. He had died before in a previous OD, which left him unable to walk. The doctors said he probably never would again. But he did. This time, he has heart damage and stomache/intestinal damage, and been diagnosed with hep c.

My problem is this. I love my friends unconditionally. I am hurt by what he has stolen and hurt that his addiction and bad choices have brought this to my family. I'm even more angry at myself for not seeing the red flags and protecting my family from this.

After rehab, he will be moving back to my home. I'm not so naive to think this couldn't happen again. And I'm reading everything I can on the web and in NA books, so I can learn to be a better friend. No co-dependency, not making excuses for his bad behavior and being able to let him suffer the consequences of his actions. In review I'm sure I slipped up somewhere, but for the most part, during his relapse I let him dig his own hole and suffer his own consequences.

I suppose the reason I'm posting is because my head and heart agree that letting him come home with the condition of him focusing on his recovery by attending meetings, working the steps, etc, is okay. I've made sure to explain that if he needs to go move to a recovery house, then that is what needs to happen. In the meantime, we've agreed that he will attend church with me, and I will attend Nar-Anon meetings with him.

But I'm still afraid. I'm still sad. I'm still struggling with what his relapse cost me. I had considered him a close friend, and this whole time I've only seen a shadow of the person inside of him. I've never stuck around my friends who suffered active addiction to protect myself from this devastating loss of property but also and namely, the emotional toll it exacts. I refuse to feel bad for him, and I won't coddle him, I never did and I won't start now.

The trust I had for him has been blown out of the water, and my mind is reeling from almost losing my friend. Since he has come back from the hallucinations of withdraw, he talks of nothing but his sobriety. And I am so proud of him for that. Hes been sharing in group sessions, and it really seems that he wants this for himself. I'll never become psychic so I can't say with 100% certainty that he is telling me the truth. His mother has confided in me, that he seems changed from the last relapses he's had since he first started using. That the look in his eye, his words, his demeanor seem to indicate change, but she has cautioned me to not get my hopes up and to take this all day by day.

I don't have any friends in my life to be my support in all of this. They all believe that if a person is an addict, even through recovery the person suffering addiction cannot be a friend.This is a hard decision to make on my own. I have faith in God, that this happened for a reason, but I'm terrified of misinterpreting everything. I pray daily for the clarity I seek on this. Heck, even the sermons at church seem to fit my life to a T right now, and the harder I pray and meditate on this, I feel like I'm making the right choice.

Can you guys give me advice on how to handle things once he comes home? What is the best way to be a friend to someone who has addiction? How can I support his recovery and encourage his sobriety?

I realize he alone needs to do this. Nothing I can say or do will fix this problem. I just hate being powerless, and I am seeking ways to help myself to get through this. The feeling of being powerless to directly affect his recovery and continued sobriety hurts.

Just writing this all down has really helped. Sorry for such a long post, but a lot of this is pent up emotion from the last month. I know I'll continue to come back to this post as I've got so many things rattling around in my head that its hard to keep my thoughts straight.

Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.

Forsaken&Forgiven

crazybabie

How does your mom feel about him coming back there?

What is the best way to be a friend to someone who has addiction? How can I support his recovery and encourage his sobriety?

Let him work his program and you work yours (Hands off the addict)

I really hope he can stop and stay stopped my daughters fiancee overdosed 3 times and the last one he did not survive.

forsakenforgive

My mom doesn't know what has actually happened thus far. Without even including my friends relapse, she is without a doubt the most judgmental person I have ever known. If I tell her, she wouldn't let him within a mile of this house. However, she deserves to know the truth, but it should be from him not me.

In regards to working his program, I'm more then happy to support that. But what do you mean by my program? I don't have one. I've never been an addict.

Thank you Angie for your response! <3

crazybabie

forsakenforgive, most of us here attend some program for codependency and/or to hear others Experience Strength Hope (ESH) such as Nar-anon, Al-anon, Family's Anonymous.

Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum yet?
Is there some reason your planning on attending his meetings? That is a very unusual thing that most places do not allow?

As, for you mom IMO she deserves to know before he moves back in even if from him the jewelry was priceless?

crazybabie

My problem is this. I love my friends unconditionally. I am hurt by what he has stolen and hurt that his addiction and bad choices have brought this to my family. I'm even more angry at myself for not seeing the red flags and protecting my family from this.

How do you plan to protect your family in the future? He is in your words a friend what about your mom? Your allowing him back in without her even knowing the truth. IMO your being very selfish I see RED Flags with your choice there


Take what you want and leave the rest.

forsakenforgive

I had read through quite a few, but not all. I'll make sure to do that in the morning. <3

As far as the meetings go, during my readings and searches, I read that it can be beneficial for close friends/family members to attend with the recovering addict, as it can show support. If I read correctly there are some open meetings that do allow people to attend regardless of use, but you have to know someone who is addicted. The day after reading about potentially attending meetings, I asked him if he would attend church with me on Sundays. He said yes and also told me he wasn't sure if I'd be interested but would like it if I could attend some of his meetings once he comes home. I'm excited to go in hopes that I can learn from other recovering addicts and that they could give me some hope that my friend can have a successful future.

My mother deserves to know. When she finds out, it will be world war III, and not just on him. She has every right to live her life the way she wants, and believe what she wants, but it has always complicated our relationship. She still does not accept me as an individual who is no longer a child, and has abused me throughout my life. Moving in together was a last resort for us both, and I fear that this whole situation, when it comes to light, will probably end what little respect we have for each other at all. Unfortunately, I'm not afraid to lose the relationship with her because of our past, but it makes the economic situation I'm in far more precarious then I'm able to handle.

Not to diminish her loss, but he also stole from my own jewelry. My graduation ring, engagement ring, and a few other rings that had more emotional value then I care to think their worth.

forsakenforgive

You are probably correct in that not telling my mom straight away is selfish. Hopefully my previous post helps to clear up the few reasons that exist for not telling her everything.

I want to hear any and all input. Even if it isn't what I want to hear, it may help me see things I'm missing from my own thought processes. Its why I have been looking for people who have been in similar situations, that I could learn from. Every case is unique but addiction behaviors seem to be very similar.

I appreciate the honesty in your post and I look forward to anything else you may suggest.

oooopps

I think it's wrong to place your mom in that kind of situation. She should not be subject to having her things stolen... especially valuable things like the ones you've mentioned. If you do decide to let him stay with you guys, since she shares the lease, she has the right to know. That way she can take precautions to protect her belongings.

There are other places for your friend and your home is not it. Please protect your mother and daughter.

Katiekate

Hey there , welcome. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

It's important that you do get educated about addiction and what addicts do, there is so much information here on the forum.

You also mentioned that you had a 4 yo son. Your family does not deserve nor need to be living with a herion addcit.

Let this guy make his own way, it is most likely from what you have said that if he does not have intensive treatment that he will just continue to repeat the past. Quitting relapsing over and over again.

You are providing him a soft place to land, it's probably the worst thing you can do. Let him figure his life out, he stole from you Mom, I'm not sure how you feel that allowing him back in your home is the best course of action. I personally would never trust anyone, addcit or not who came into my home and stole from me and more importantly my mother.

Just because the guy has detoxed does not mean the he is well. He won't be well , even in a program or going to meetings for years. He will steal from you again.

dollydo

A child should never be exposed to addiction of any kind. Bringing an addict into the home is an irresponsible decision. A child can be taken from a home where addiction is present, as the Department Of Human Resources considers it child abuse.

Detox is nothing but a drop in the bucket, recovery requires a life long dedication to a strong program and soberity. He is not recovered.

He will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working his program or not. There is no cure for this disease and it is his responsibility as an adult to fend for himself and resolve his issue.

"She still does not accept me as an individual who is no longer a child."

Perhaps her opinions are a direct response to your lifestyle and choices.

You are playing with fire and if you let him back in your home...you, your child and your mother will get burned.

Taking5

You are doing a disservice to your mom by not telling her about this guy. This is your responsibility to tell her, even if you were just roommates. He was given a place to live and he abused the priviledge. He can find somewhere else to live now.

You should also check pawn shops in your area and see if you can find any of the jewelry, or any record that he pawned anything. If you find evidence of this you should go to the police and have him charged.

SundaysChild

Who owns the home- you or your mother?

crazybabie

I can feel the bitterness you still have with your mother unfortunately I can also relate to that. However, that still does not make it right for you to withhold this information from her.

There are so many people here who have children whose parent is an addict why would you even consider bringing an addict in the home with your 4 year old daughter? Why would you subject her to this? You are her mother and it is your responsibility to protect her. I thought I was protecting my kids my way of thinking was my AH only smoked pot he had ever since we got together at the ripe young age of 15/16.

Life became very chaotic later 3 kids and all 3 sick him constantly hunting his pot.
2 of my sons became addicts. They are grown and no longer live at home nor does he I asked him to move 2 months ago he graduated to pills over the last few years or so.

For your daughters sake get him out of your life now. You know so little about him what you do know is what he has told you while he is an active user do you know what that means? 99 percent or more lies.

Ask yourself what is it about him that excites you so much? Look into yourself. your not a 16 year old rebelling against mom you are a mother yourself. You said your mom was abusive you have a choice to be there for your daughter you have a choice to make an unselfish decisions that is in your daughters best interest.

I would have my friend go to a SLE, and honor my obligation to my child. The above posters are correct your child could be removed from the house a true friend would not even want you in that position.


He was being kicked out of the house he'd rented from his sponsor for some time.
That say A LOT on its own.

Sunshine2

I agree with Anvil. When people show you what they are, you should believe them. A lot of heartache in this world is saved when we understand this.

But I'm still afraid. I'm still sad. I'm still struggling with what his relapse cost me
His next relapse will cost you more. And the next one more. Why do you feel it is your duty to save him? Is whatever you get out of this more important to you than your daughter's well being? Your daughter will grow up to resent you like you resent your mom if you put her through this. You say your mom abused you, but you are abusing your daughter by exposing her to an addict.

Let him go somewhere else where he can embrace recovery (or not) without affecting yourself, your daughter and your mother. What would being kind and gentle to yourself and your family look like?

lolcabbage

This whole thing doesn't make sense. He stole from you and your mother, and you're not even requiring him to return the items? And on top of that you're helping him steal again by letting him in? And you have a kid? Your entire plan is crazy on all levels, I don't understand.

You'd be better off just letting ANY RANDOM PERSON in to live with you, literally. The guy already proved multiple times he is WORSE than any random person.

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR.

My guess is that you will be unable to hear what anyone tells you about this man and you will need more experience with him to determine for yourself whether he is honest and clean.

My guess is that it will not take long for him to relapse again. There is a good chance he will die in your home with a needle in his arm. Please make plans now about how you will find help for your daughter when that happens.

You have done all your research and you have no idea, sadly, that all that research has made you feel you can handle what is to come, and that no one will be traumatized by the inevitable gut emotional pain and shock of experiencing a hardcore drug addict in the sanctuary of the family home.

Find yourself a counselor, dear. You are going to need one.

Post here if you need further support.

LuvMySis

Yet you're going to allow him to come back? What a horrible thing to do to your daughter and mother.

forsakenforgive

wow, such an overwhelming response from so many! Thank you everyone.

I admit I was hoping for a more supportive forum, but seeing these responses has encouraged me to dig deeper.

To be clear, I cannot fix him. I cannot save him from himself. These are things I know. This is the first time I've stayed close to a friend who has addiction. I recognize very clearly that this is something he will have to deal with for the rest of his life, and I pray that he can stay in recovery until it is his proper time to pass from old age. I'm not so naive to think this will be the outcome in truth, but it doesn't hurt to pray for it. However unlikely it may be.

I've called his mother and asked her very directly about her experiences and about this being an enabling step by allowing him back here. Its a very fine line, and I have to decide if I can walk it. Honestly, I would rather see him in a home built for the type of support he needs. He's looking into it, and as long as his insurance covers it, thats the plan. Its when or if this plan falls through that we need to consider him coming home.

I'm also going to a mental health facility (they also offer Al-Anon, Nar-anon, and support for familes/friends going through this stuff) today and going through the intake process to find a therapist to help me make sure I'm thinking things through completely and not allowing my emotions to take me in the wrong direction.

I also approached my mom about things today. We had a nearly civil conversation and i presented things to her as the facts I knew, what I still didn't know, and asked how she wanted to go forward. After praying we came to the conclusion that we would like to see him go to a home first, but if that didn't happen then his coming home under certain conditions based on his recovery being his number 1 priority, then it was something we are willing to deal with on a day to day fashion.

I'm not a generally optimistic person, I'm more of a realist. I don't like to let my emotions hinder my progress in life and I don't like to see what isn't there. People come into our lives, for good or for bad, to teach us lessons on how to improve our own lives. Although the physical loss of things is difficult, they are just things. If he is willing to make amends properly, we will be ready to forgive him. Until that time it is a precarious walk and doing this is a sacrifice for us as a family.

Regardless of where he ends up living, the questions directed to this forum in my initial post still apply and still haven't been answered completely.

What are some of the best things I can do for my friend once he has left rehab? I appreciate the 'distance with love' and although difficult, I have done it in the past with other friends and have no problem applying that here. But since he wants me closer then I have been to others in similar situations in the past, and I am willing to try, what do you all recommend? I feel I'm going in the right direction, and am taking some of the necessary steps but I need to see it all.

Thank you all for addressing the housing situation so poignantly, it has prompted me to try harder to encourage him to find a better place for his post-rehab recovery.

forsakenforgive

Also I'd like to point out, my friends who i could not bear to stay by their side through the rehab and initial post-rehab homes, are still my friends today. A few relapsed and only one lost my friendship completely from his inability to stick with recovery. None of my friends were in rehab for 'simple' drugs. All were in for heroin use, soboxine abuse, and/or prescription medications.

I have seen some of the later stages of recovery and acknowledge that they will be in recovery for the rest of their lives.

I've gone to them for advice, and they agree that staying by him in his time of need is a great thing as long as I am able to keep myself in a reality check. But I needed someone who is not directly suffering from the disease of addiction to give some input which is again why I came here.

So please, if you can, offer advice on how to be the best kind of friend someone who wants to recover needs.

LoveMeNow

I don't believe there is such a thing as "simple" drugs. Addiction is addiction and without treatment, it will progress.

I am surprised that your other friends feel the way they do...as most recovering addicts I have known know that a person must hit there bottom and they most do that alone.

Your friend needs a sober living house, a job, and most importantly the desire to be clean. If he gets kicked out of a SLE, the last place he needs to be in your home because there will be good reason for him being kicked out of the SLE. DRUGS!!!

Has he attempted to get your mother back her things? He knows what happened to them...and that is least he can do at the moment.

P.S. We are a very supportive forum, we just don't enable bad decisions.

Please love yourself and your daughter more then anyone....especially an active drug addict. Nothing good will come from that relationship.