Ann

Where there is one lie, there is no truth.

That's all I have to say about this.

pinkchampagne

I was so wrong about you guys.

Freedom1990

Indeed.

PaperDolls

Pink,

Whatever happens, whatever you decide. I wish you the best, and I'm certain everyone here does, even if they are being tough on you.

oooopps

I just want to point out that the people on here are strangers who have taken time out of their busy lives and possible pain and sadness to offer their support by sharing with you their life experience and knowledge. These people took time out to read everything you've written.

Some people here are parents that have lost their children to drugs, wives that are pregnant by their addict abusive husbands, wives with young kids left by their addict husbands... fathers, siblings, friends suffering from the wrath of this disease called addiction.... nobody here wants you to experience the same type of trauma. Take all the advice here with a grain of salt.

And before you make any such comments have some compassion for the strangers who are only trying to support you.

The truth is not always pleasant to the ears but sometimes they are the most valuable advice.

Back when my father warned me to stay away from my addict exbf (who was very newly clean then), I did not take his advice. Flash forward several years I wish I had listened to him then. I would have been spared from shedding so much tears and living in fear and anxiety for so long.

but then again, like i've said earlier... some life lessons cant be taught. You might just need to fall a few more times to learn, on your own... and that is ok.

zoso77

Wrong how, Pink?

Look, I don't know you. But, believe it or not, I care about what happens to you, and it's a fair bet that those of us on here who have been impacted by someone else's addiction cares about what happens to you, too.

Addiction is a dreadful, dreadful illness. And codependence isn't too far behind. Part of codependence is denial. We really, really want to believe what our addicts tell us. We really, really hope that somehow, someway, they see the light and start living a better sort of life. Unfortunately, a lot of times that simply doesn't happen. My AXGF was sooooo good at the talk, but when it came to the walk, she failed every single time. I bought into once too many times, and then she stuck it to me. I don't want to see that happen to you because it hurts like hell when it does happen.

But at the same time, you have to live your life. And if that means making mistakes, you make them. As I wrote before, please be aware of what it is you're dealing with.

All the Best...
ZoSo

changeschoices

If it were me, I would get independent: get a good job, get my own apartment, and let the BF get his recovery on track. You could still see him now and then and give him a year to get clean and go to therapy and AA. But I would still date other guys, guys who have to addiction/legal issues. See if you like any of them, see how things work out.

At the very least, don't move back in with him for at least six months. See how he acts over the next six months. He'll either act fine, or he will get angry at you for not moving in, which is a red flag.

You might consider hiring a private investigator to get to the truth on your BF's past. Maybe your parents will help pay for it.

I have daughters and if one of them was dating a man who had any sort of sinister criminal kind of stuff he was being questioned for, I would never let that man in my house, I would be hiring a PI, and I would question the sanity of my child. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but I am a mama bear when it comes to my girls.

Zoenob

Sounds like you are really wanting to brag and act like he is wrapped around your finger. Gifts from men for affections do not show respect or love.

This is a red flag for me. Has he ever dated anyone whose parents have the same amount of money as his? Has he ever dating a girl from his same social and economic background? Ask yourself why not.

Be careful. Do not even let yourself think you have any sense of power or control over him.

Windmills

Pinkchampagne, what was your last relationship like? Out of interest.
Just I recognise a lot of your thinking from when I met my ex.. But I was 16 then.
I'm not judging you for going back. We all have to walk our own path. Just please stay safe, look after yourself, and don't bring any children into the relationship for a very very long time. Selfish men don't make good fathers, rake it from me!

outtolunch

I am from Drew Peterson land, in the greater Chicago area. A prior wife or GF that goes missing or dies due to unnatural causes is a red flag that can't be ignored. The Police have yet to clear him. And he's introduced you to his world of drugs. Scary stuff in my book.

PrayingMama

Best wishes, Pink. As others have posted, some life lessons have to be lived to be learned. Hard but true.

LoveMeNow

You are wrong about us? Not sure what the means but if it's what I think it is.......I am glad the truth is stinging the heck out you....sometimes it's what helps wake up those of us who feel comfortable in denial.

That said, I only wish you had that same strength and courage when it came to your BF.

BTW, a half truth is still a whole lie. I wish you the best.

lightseeker

Hi Pink,

I'm confused about your comment. I know it must be hard to hear people second guessing your decisions and making comments and I'm guessing that is what you mean. Honestly, I think all of the comments come from a place of caring about you even though it might seem otherwise.

This is a board of people who for the most part have gone through a lot with our loved ones....our ears are perked up for the signs and symptoms that things are amiss. And your sincerity in your posts has tugged at a lot of hearts. I hope that you will see a lot of this is about caring for you and wanting you to be safe.

I know that I've made my own decisions (right or wrong) but what I had to learn to do was not care about other people's opinions about those decisions.

I hope that you are right about all of this more than you know ....but I also know that the rooms of recovery are here for you no matter what. Only you can tell your BF what you want........Please trust your gut no matter what....if you ever feel uncomfortable get out and question it later.

I know that no one could talk me out of doing what I wanted to do - but I sure have appreciated the fact that all of those people that questioned my choices were still there when I needed them. And not one person herre has ever hinted at "I told you so". My experiences almost costed me my life. I should have listened to my gut a whole lot sooner than I did. Just remember....your deep down gut won't steer you wrong.

Trust is something to be earned - not given. Especially when there has been a breech in the past.

Let me know how you are doing....

incitingsilence

This reads like one of them lifetime movies, minus the on cue music … but then it seems that everyone is on the same page, and won’t be needing the music to give a warning.

Am I missing something, so he jumps in, against your wishes of needing some space, and in some way reacting to you showing him you are in control. And you knew it was some manipulation tactic, knew he wasn’t being truthful, knew he had the poor pity me’s running, knew your parents brought it all…

And this is how you put it out there. Yet you find it odd how everyone here reacted to your moving in with him.

So I ask is it fair to leave your parents in the dark as to what the truth is?
It is fair to let them be played? Why would you let them be played?
Especially since they didn’t clear him yet.

The choices you want to make for your life are one thing, you want to walk back into this relationship, then so be it. Everyone will be here to help you when needed and to give the best advice they know mostly cause they made them mistakes of buying the lines at one time. But to have information, to know your parents were played and not to stand up to make that right...

Again, why?

Kindeyes

I wish you the best. Life is full of risks, rewards, successes and failures.....learn from them all. We'll be here if you need support in the future.....and I truly pray that you won't.

gentle hugs
ke

FindingErica

An advanced medical directive is a legal document stating what you want done if you are unable to make your own medical decisions. I think the poster was stating concern over your physical well being.

FindingErica

Red Flags all over the place for me.

Absolutes and unrealistic promises are the empty expectations of the desperate. This is where my AH is right now. Everything will be PERFECT, ALL his anger is gone, he will NEVER do drugs again. When my AH talks like this while playing the nice guy but is violating my boundaries, it scares me more than when he is angry. Because I KNOW that once he gets what he wants, he will let his guard down and go back to his former nonsense. Because no matter how sincere he sounds, change takes time and nobody is perfect. also the self pity tactic, i have found that when my AH starts using pity to reel me in, it is an eventual gateway for bitterness and anger. That is why I will not go back to AH at this time, maybe ever, because he wants a quick fix by saying a lot of right sounding stuff but I know deep in my heart things arent right and eventually he will let out his anger at me for making him humble himself.

What I heard you saying in your post is that he came over even though he knew you didn't want him too, violating your boundaries. He used pity, unrealistic promises and gifts to make you feel conflicted.

As an aside, take it any way you want, I wish I was in a position to get out without the ties of children, marriage and joint financial obligations. There are too many people in the world to tie yourself to a person who puts a huge question mark in your heart.

Vale

My SR friends,
Attrition is a reality.Like the freshly hatched little turtles hauling ass to the
waters edge-----while seagulls gulp them down right and left. SR is not about
control or being angry when heartfelt advice is not acted upon.It is (and can only be) a
navigational advisory service. How to jink instead of making a beeline to the
shore (so you are harder to track),how to camouflage yourself with a little seaweed (and hope you are lucky enough not to be born in daylight or under a full moon)
In the end,you can take all the good advice,employ it,and STILL end up as a
seagull snack.
All SR can do is up the odds,and maybe get 12% of the little turtles to the waters edge
instead of 9%. And it is only natural for old sea turtles like us to wince when we see hatchlings making a beeline toward the waters edge, at noon,uncamoflaged.
We know this is a varsity game,and those seagulls are playing for keeps.
It is the farthest thing from disrespect imaginable,because old turtles got
that way being wily and clever and lucky---and knowing every step of the way
just how much is on the line.It's not a video game.......no reset!

nytepassion

He put on his best poor poor pitiful me act and came by and lied to your parents. He tells them that it is tearing him apart that they don't trust him. Sounds like they have good reason not to.

He tells them he will do anything they asked if they would just approve of the two of you being together. AND They Bought It!

Then he tells you that he will do anything you want if you would move back in with him and apparently YOU BOUGHT IT TOO!

He knows all the right things to say to your parents to get them to let their guard down with him and all the right buttons to push to make you weak and give in.

He has promised no more lies, but he lied to your parents. A lie by omition is still a lie. If he didn't tell the whole truth he lied. So if he would lie to them to get what he wants what makes you think he won't lie to you to get what he wants? You know he lied to your parents, yet you think he seems so sincere. I think he is sincere to the degree that he sincerely will say whatever he thinks you and your parents want to hear in order to get his way. I call BS.

As for not being so crazy about the things you read from the meeting. It is easier to reject the hard work and take the easy way out and return with your bf then it is to face the truth and see things for what they are. It is a lot of work to learn all this stuff, but you are young and he has already made up your mind for you. Don't let go of the literature from the meeting and be sure to bookmark SR cause one day your going to need the information.

For now he has you right where he wants you and you are delaying the inevitable.

I noticed in another post you said, "I was wrong about you guys", It is not 'us guys' that you are wrong about and in time I have a feeling you will learn that lesson the hard way.

For now I wish you all the best and know that there are people here that care enough not to lie to you or BS you. All we want is the best for you. Hopefully one day you will want that for yourself too.

Passion

SundaysChild

Very well said, Vale. And no matter what we say to the hatchlings, we can't control the outcome. They will chart their own course. Participating in this thread is triggering my codie tendencies. I'd like to pick her up and carry her to the shore.