Lara

I have been in a part relationship with my best friend for over 10 years - I say 'part' as we live in separate countries - so only see each other 6 times a year - more importantly we have a very powerful friendship and have been through so much together. My friend H became addicted to cocaine in 2008. Together (with my sister - we are all very close) we got him into rehab - he did extremely well and has been in 'recovery' for almost a year. A few months ago he declared his love for me. Our relationship has become intimate and quite intense. Suddenly, out of the blue, he told me he needs to 'pull back' a little and needs me 'out of his life'. This is a shock for me - I have spoken to his counsellors and believe that any 'intimate' relationship is not advised at this stage. I believed I was truly supporting him. Daily messages, support etc. Am I losing him? Or must I trust that he is just battling a little, and doing everything in his power to not relapse? If he loves me so much - why push me away? I am desperately trying not to make this about me - I understand that it's critical he learns to trust himself and not become dependent on someone else - is this correct? What do I do?
Thank you all.

Ann

I'm sorry Lara, I know this must hurt, but I have to agree that it's time to move on and heal.

I hope you find peace soon.

Hugs

Lara

Thank you for your replies above - it hurts like hell. But time to move on. It was just so shocking - out of the blue. Anyway.

oooopps

Lara maybe this will help you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...me-let-go.html

Lara

Hey 'crazybabie' just read the link you suggested - powerful words. I am going to print it out and read it as a reminder. It is tough sometimes to 'surrender'. Which is the secret of life I suppose. My 'friend' has been such a huge part of my life...he was there when I lost my brother in a car crash - and our bond was so strong - through his active addiction - through rehab - through recovery - believed we would get through it all...whilst me doing my best to educate myself to addiction and being so aware as to not to fall into a codependent relationship - and not play the role of the 'rescuer'. I need to get his words out of my head "you are the love of my life" and 'I want you in my future"..... he texted me yesterday (10 days since he screamed at me 'Get the hell out of my life") that he is sorry and loves me, but needs to 'step back' as he will 'not make it'? I know I should not make this about me - as a recovering addict has so many obstacles and daily stresses to face....but I have to look after myself too - I (as the non-recovering other person) also have needs...This journey of addiction can be soul destroying for all concerned. So wonderful to have joined this forum - thank you

Jody675

sounds like he is trying to do the right thing by him, and you. although his technique of yelling at you was not good (but even in non addicted relationships this can still happen). he was probably hurting as much as you and did what is easiest in making you not want him. the silly things we do hey. but take a deep breath and just take each day as it comes for awhile looking for something to be grateful for each day. something that is just about you. you will find the right guy one day, and hopefully he will find recovery. good luck.

outtolunch

There's a 50-50 he is cutting all ties because he has relapsed. Regardless, he is living his life as he sees fit to do.

Lara

Hi 'Outtolunch' that is what his counsellor advised me - that either he has relapsed and is going through all the emotions of guilt,shame etc etc or he realises he is becoming too reliant on me for his emotional and other needs (which is dangerous for anyone in recovery) or it is simply over night (after 10 years) he no longer wants me in his life...but as you say - he is living his life as he sees fit - and if I truly love him - I need to respect his wishes and let him go.......

Lara

I have been reading through the forums on addiction and recovery....and I honestly believed (up until joining this forum) that I understood my friend / lovers behavior and addiction. But only after reading all your posts do I realise that I did not have a clue (being the non-addict in the relationship) what addiction really means. I am shocked - sounds so naive! I believed, that supporting H through his rehab (he attended Harmony Clinic) and attending support groups and counselling sessions with H and his therapists whilst he was in rehab - that I understood. I truly believed that for the past year whilst he has been in 'recovery' that I was supporting him. I truly believed (up until he screamed at me 10 days ago to get 'the hell out of his life') that his words he loves me, and wants a future with me, and I am the love of his life - were true. What's made it so much harder is we have been close friends for over 10 years. So this is not some whimsical romance. But the part that has hit me the hardest, is my complete ignorance as to truly what an addict means. And now, reading through all your posts, I realise H is not in recovery at all!!! He has been drinking again - but only one or two beers a night - I was lulled into believing this is okay - as long as it's not cocaine - that it's okay! How stupid of me. That ANY substance is a gateway to addiction. Also reading through, that if I do love him, that I need to let him go...that all my 'loving' him back is not going to help him fully recover. That this is not about me at all. That this is all about him. For days and days I have been agonising how he could just 'get me out of his life' in one moment - that he must still love me - but reading through others' posts - I am dealing with an addict for life - that his reasoning is not mine - and I need to walk away. But so so hard. It is easy to understand all the advise in theory - but to put it into practice is another story all together.

oooopps

Lara, I was you.

I researched, learned and experienced all that addiction had to offer (except for the addict being actually dead), then I decided to walk away. Before I walked, I thought it was impossible and that I would die from heart ache... but once I walked and kept walking... peace, comfort and healing began.

This is from the "40 lessons for finding strength in hard times" article i posted:

You must love yourself too. – One of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. When was the last time someone told you that they loved you just the way you are, and that what you think and how you feel matters? When was the last time someone told you that you did a good job, or took you someplace, simply because they know you feel happy when you’re there? When was the last time that ‘someone’ was YOU?

****

even though I walked away from my addict, he will always be in my heart because of how much we've shared and experienced together. But a life with him and the chaos that comes with him as a package deal is not what I want. So I accepted the fact that it's ok for me to walk. I can still wish him the best without communicate with him.

Lara

Thank you 'Ooooopps' for your words of wisdom. I am finding it frightening how only now do I realise how far down the path I was allowing my friend to take me. (or taking myself) I believed I was strong, and supporting my friend whilst remaining independent of it all - but now only see how so involved I have become in his healing - doing everything to keep supporting him - and losing myself. The heart ache is massive. I miss him terribly. But as you say, only we are responsible for our own selves. That no-one else can make us happy. I have been reading a lot of Ekhart Tolle (The Power of Now) and his other books - help so much... have you read any of them?

oooopps

No. I read a lot of books on heroin addiction. Felt like vomiting on several occasions because it got me so anxious and worried.

and then I gave all of the heroin addiction books I purchased to my addict's mother who is a huge enabler.... and then I quietly left all of their lives.

I do not have time for leisure reading right now, being on SR is already taking too much of my time for the time being. You are lucky that you have time to read books that you find interesting. Keep reading, keep learning, keep growing.

bobcat2000

I am new to this forum but not new to seeing all the hell of what being involved with an addict entails. I got so embroiled with Lesley that I lost myself totally. I have researched, studied and lived all there is as to being involved with an addict entails and the simple conclusion is that they are addicted for the REST OF THEIR LIVES and WILL drag you down a deep and dark road with their lies, promises of love, promises of getting better and they become master manipulators! The smallest of things can make them relapse and you have ZERO control over that! My advice is the same as everyone else’s walk away and as far away as you can no matter how tough it can be otherwise you may lose everything that you remotely care about!
My story might help you understand what I lost (almost): With me I became involved with Lesley due to my insecurities and feeling I was being restricted in my marriage. Yup I had an affair - looking back the worst decision of my life - little did I know how dark and deep this would take me. Lesley was a fun girl whereas my wife was sort of the opposite but I realise now she was just trying doing her best with my emotional ups and downs. Things got out of hand and I spent more time with Lesley and she got more and more addicted to coke - I took it a few times but luckily after having been rushed to hospital with her realised that it was destroying me - I lost my family, my 2 daughters and my marriage and the respect of my community. It was horrible and the more I tried to hold onto Lesley (as everything else had fallen apart) the more I lost myself! The thing that turned it around for me was seeing how much of my family I was missing out on and the effect my behaviour had on my kids. I am so thankful that my ex-wife is speaking with me and spoke to me, and may even allow me back in her life - my daughters are another story!
You are right no one can make you happy but you, but I would never have made it without the support of family (and especially my ex-wife). I hope that you do not have any kids as this can destroy them and hurt them - my daughters were young when this all happened and the fallout on them was massive - they are in their teens now but have got some issues they have to deal with!
I wish you all the very best and even though it is tough you will be alright and I hope you find a guy that will care deeply for you and walk to the ends for you and most importantly is not reliant on substances!