story74

I haven't cried in a long time, but tonight I did. I'm so stressed about money. My xah left me with 20k in debt. In the divorce settlement he was suppose to pay 10k, but hasn't paid a dime. In fact, he is 3 months behind on child support enforced by the state. So, tonight I got a bug up my butt and started searching for homes for sale. I don't want to rent anymore. Well, my xah's whores rental is up for sale, and I did it. I looked at it and all the pictures. Now, she doesn't own it. She rents. He lives there. I saw the bedroom they did it in for 6 months while I was at home raising his son. Its a nice place. Here I am trying desperatly to make ends meet (can't even afford shoes or clothes for my son)while he is shacked up with this high end bartender alcholic coke ***** who has great taste and 2 mugshots on mugshots .com. he left us to starve. I'm picking up all the pieces. Not only financially, but emotionally. I'm doing everything I can to save my son who has anger issues. Why? Because daddy just abandoned us. And I wanted it so bad. I wanted him to disappear forever. And he has. Haven't heard from him 7 weeks. Missed my sons birthday. So as much as I wanted this, I'm so surprised at how this seems to be just another painful stage to get thru. My poor son. How could you just leave for family? Just walk out. I will never understand this. Ever. I'm trying so hard to get through this. But he is such a piece of #$@^. I have no empathy. None. While I am worried about putting food on the table, my finacial future and my sons well being, he is out f%^&*() and partying. It disgusts me.

Ann

If you are struggling with debt right now, you may not want to think about buying a house until you get financially settled...or was that just a reason to see their place? It's okay if it was, you wouldn't be the first person here to go looking to see how the other side is doing.

The thing is, you have a full life ahead of you and so do your children. You need time to grieve the loss of your dreams, you need time to heal from the trauma you have been through and you need time to regain your balance and feel ready to face life again.

Things WILL get better, you will be okay. It just takes time and healing first.

I'm sorry you hurt so much right now, but send hugs and hope for better tomorrows.

Windmills

I understand. I really do. It's heartbreaking being mummy and daddy at the same time, it's awful knowing the child's 'father' is way more interested in himself and his own life than being a parent to this amazing little person they helped create. And if I had a way to look into his life, I can't guarantee I wouldn't do it. I wished for SO long he would disappear off the face of my world, he did it (last conversation was 9th May) and I feel so angry at him for it.
I'm not in a good place tonight, if I posted a thread it would be pretty similar to this one. Hugs from one pissed off mama to another!

dollydo

Unfortunately, men walk out on their families every day. IMO they have the ability to
toss everything in a drawer, close it and move on. Women seem to keep opening
the drawer, attempt to re-explore and analyze the contents over and over again to
come up with a solution.

I wouldn't jump into buying a home now, get your financial issues resolved, pace yourself
to secure your financial future.

I am sorry that you are in pain, however, you and your son are much better off without him, he has nothing positive to contribute to you or your sons life.

oooopps

makes me wanna be a man. that's a very useful skill to have when dealing with shittty things in life.

Story, burn that damn drawer. Repriortize your focus ... you will be ok.

story74

Thanks. I know buying a home is not in my near future. But, I was just checking prices. Plotting and planning. I will get my finances in order. My son will have a wonderful education. And I am giving him everything I can. I am doing anything and everything for him. In reality, nothing matters but what he will become, and how he will contribute to society. I(we) will get thru this.
Just pissed. And I will burn that drawer! I have a great job, kid and love where we are heading. } am lucky enough to have help from my family and my son will be going to a beautiful private school. I can get thru this. He is just a selfish ass. I hope he disapppears forever. Again, thanks. This forum helps me regain mybreath in so many ways!

suki44883

When my alcoholic dad left me and my mom when I was about 9 years old, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. While my mom had never worked, had zero experience, and didn't even have a driver's license, she went on to do very well for herself and has since retired with a very nice pension. She went on to do much better financially than my dad.

We just do what we have to do. You and your son will be fine.

FindingErica

(((hugs story)))

I don't know how or why someone can walk from their child. Some people just are deplorable. Your son is fortunate to have such a dedicated mother, though if life were fair he would have two dedicated parents. his actions are his own responsibility and one day he will have to answer for it in some way.

zoso77

Story74...

Wow...I really don't know what to say. I'm really, really sorry. But, I'm also not surprised by your AXH's behavior. His eyes only look in one direction: inward. And when things are like that, when someone only cares about doing what makes them feel good, those around them get hurt badly. You'll never truly "get it". It just is. And as painful as it is, as much as it sucks, you now have a chance to heal, to move forward, and to start enough life.

Crying's OK. Being angry's OK, too. Acknowledge the anger, sit with it, but be careful not to feed it, as that will only drive you backwards. Your biggest concern is your son, and you know this. Protect him, listen to him, hold him tight if he needs to be held. And when the time comes, make the best decision you can make regarding buying a house.

Please, be safe.

ZoSo

LoveMeNow

The best revenge is a life well lived.........


P.S. I am so sorry for your pain but just know bigger, better and healthier things are waiting for you and your son. God Bless!!

Jody675

i agree with LoveMeNot. your best revenge is to live a happy healthy life with your son. help him heal his anger. even pity his dad for not being able to be the type of person that your family needs, but anger won't help in the long term. he has a strong mum who obviously loves him greatly, and he needs you to show him how to deal with his emotions in a positive and productive manner. but i too understand the need to vent and get anger out when you realise how unfair life is right now.

i have struggled through financially over the years and created my own amount of debt (can't blame my exH for that) but over the years i have paid it all off and done very well for myself and my kids. while i earn less than my ex and have a larger mortgage than he, i don't have a partner who is sponging off me and draining me of any excess money, so i can afford a lifestyle of o/s trips and nice things. he can't work out how i do this, but funny thing is my kids can. and they have already told me that they will never let a man who isn't working into their lives, and they would never do what his gf is doing to him. go and enjoy your life. sounds like you will be just fine. just get over each day for the sun is brighter for you and your son.

i love this site for its venting and support opportunities....ahhahah

suki44883

My mother was angry for a long time, but it didn't stop her from doing what she had to do. She taught me to never be dependent on another person for my livelihood. Sometimes I think she may have taught me that lesson a bit too well, but I have always made sure I never had to rely on someone else to keep a roof over my head or food on the table for me and my girls.

Things are different today. Back in my mother's day, most women didn't work outside of the home. Their job was to take care of the house and the kids while the father went to work to provide the money. I don't know if things are better now or not. The family unit has suffered in the process, but at the same time, I think it's important for women to know they can make it without a man if they have to...not just due to divorce, but if the husband dies, the woman still has to pay the bills and provide for the kids. I don't think it's ever a bad idea for a woman to have something to fall back on in case things don't work out as planned.

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry this is a rough time right now. I don't know why some men do what they do. But not all men are like that. Take care of you and your son. Make the best life you can for the two of you.

You and your son will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

Sunshine2

Story74, I suspect in 3 years from now you will look back and be grateful to him for letting you discover just how strong you really are. You and your son will survive and survive well. Just hang in there.

oooopps

What a wonderful reminder. I struggle to make sense of my own experience and how to make peace with it. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'll miss the short and brief good memories.... but overall, I came out feeling proud of the things I've learned, the strength I've discovered that I have in me, and my courage to walk away from something that is bad for me. Despite all of the pain that I've experienced, I AM a wiser woman now. Never say no to wisdom.

Thank you for this.

SeekingGrowth

Story, I can complete relate to your experience, as my experience with my ex was similar. He left our family when my children were 1-1/2 and 3-1/2, and although he didn't completely disappear from their lives, he did not contribute much financially or emotionally after that. I carried almost all the responsibility, financially and otherwise, which really made me angry in the early years.

Looking back now, I think that both he and I realize that I got the better end of that deal. It is a privilege to raise children, a blessing in so many ways. It feels wonderful to see that my children have grown into (for the most part) happy, healthy, successful young adults, and know that I had a very large part in making that happen - I gave them so many of the opportunities and positive life experiences that fill their memories today and helped make them who they are. It is so rewarding, probably the most rewarding thing in my life, to see this. My ex doesn't have that. His selfishness all those years brought him momentary satisfaction with nothing to show for it today. He has virtually no relationship with his children - they think he's a jerk.

And even when they are young, when you are so busy and counting pennies and worrying, you have those moments, nearly every day, where you get to give something to your children and watch their faces light up. What could possibly be better than that? Would you trade places with your ex if you could? Do you think that his constant efforts to satisfy his selfish desires gives him more pleasure than the look on your son's face gives you when you do or give him something that delights him?

Your ex doesn't get it, but my bet is that the joy you receive in providing for your son - as tough as it can be sometimes - far exceeds anything that he experiences as he focuses on satisfying his own selfish desires.

One more thing - it's really nice to be able to make decisions for yourself and your children without competing and possibly conflicting opinions of the other parent. There's something to be said for being solely responsible.

story74

Thanks to all. You all have helped me regain strength. Brush myself off and enjoy life.

On another note, my son revealed to me today why he is angry. It helped me so much gaining perspective on his mindset and what was bothering him. It hurts, but it helps.

Thanks to all support!

womaninprogress

My parents were alkies, divorced when it was unheard of, but my mom always had a good job. That's one thing I learned all too well from her.

So much so that I always knew I would have children, but was unsure about ever being married.

Today my daughter is 17. She has turned into the most amaizing young woman. Her dad went to prison when she was 6mos old. He's been hit and miss in her life ever since. Very little financial support and no child raring support at all.

But I hold my head up high and know that's MY girl. She's so smart and funny and wise. Although quite spoiled.

In fact she told me that on the last visit with her Dad, he was bragging to his friend about her in front of her, and she AND her grandparents on his side basically said that she turned out so great because of the hard work and support she got from her mother. I guess he had that one coming.

It's hard, it was so hard when I've been sacrificing and struggling and then on the one weekend a year he would get her it would be amusement parks and good times, she always thought he was the hero and I was the "bad guy". All my money went to a roof over her head, food in her belly & education. Little money for the fun stuff that makes one a hero in kids eyes. But now that she's older she knows. And she's greatful. And she's ALL MINE! She is the reason I was put on this earth.