Abf and his "bestie"
ACoA & Codie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sun Prairie, WI
Posts: 21
Abf and his "bestie"
(Yes it was wrong of me to eavesdrop but of course I had to know what he was really saying.)
Just listened to him try to explain to his best friend why his best friend needs to support him in his decision not to use. Most of it was an argument. His best friend is as much of an addict as he is. I realized that he is making it look like his use is nobody's problem but mine. But he doesn't let anybody know the fact that he hurts me when he uses and they can't see that it hurts him that he's wasted 10 years under the influence. When I pointed that out he said that he will have another conversation with bestie so he understands the fact that his use actually hurts other people besides him. He admitted that it was a matter of pride. He didn't want others to know that he hurts me. The person that does that part of him and knows that he hurts me is completely supportive of him. She even told him that he's become somebody she doesn't recognize when he uses.
He seems so heartbroken that he had to argue with his best friend about supporting him. I feel guilty as though I caused this. I know I didn't but is there anything I can do to help him?
Just listened to him try to explain to his best friend why his best friend needs to support him in his decision not to use. Most of it was an argument. His best friend is as much of an addict as he is. I realized that he is making it look like his use is nobody's problem but mine. But he doesn't let anybody know the fact that he hurts me when he uses and they can't see that it hurts him that he's wasted 10 years under the influence. When I pointed that out he said that he will have another conversation with bestie so he understands the fact that his use actually hurts other people besides him. He admitted that it was a matter of pride. He didn't want others to know that he hurts me. The person that does that part of him and knows that he hurts me is completely supportive of him. She even told him that he's become somebody she doesn't recognize when he uses.
He seems so heartbroken that he had to argue with his best friend about supporting him. I feel guilty as though I caused this. I know I didn't but is there anything I can do to help him?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Hurt and often anger usually happen when someone does not live up to our hopeful fantasy for them.
He's living the life he chooses. So are you.
You can accept him as is or remove yourself from the situation. It's that tween part where we fool ourselves into believing we can fix other people- that's the real killer.
He's living the life he chooses. So are you.
You can accept him as is or remove yourself from the situation. It's that tween part where we fool ourselves into believing we can fix other people- that's the real killer.
ACoA & Codie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sun Prairie, WI
Posts: 21
I mean that he emotionally hurts me. We are NOT physically abusive except for me when I punched him in the arm repeatedly after the last time he used and lied. As a child, I'd attack my father when he was drunk and abusive towards his wife or father...I think my reaction towards Abf was somewhat habit. I felt awful about it and now that I recognize where it came from, hopefully I won't need to react that way.
While listening to his convo, I heard him tell his friend "Maybe sometime down the road I can sit down and have a drink with you but I can't think like that." I think he was partially trying to console his friend who acted like it was some sort of loss that Abf is choosing abstinence but I reacted like a ACoA, telling them both to "**** off" and walking out of the house.
I know that reaction is not going to help but sometimes my reactions are so impulsive!
I know I don't OWN any of this but that doesn't mean I don't want to console him over the losses he is experiencing due to the decision not to drink.
While listening to his convo, I heard him tell his friend "Maybe sometime down the road I can sit down and have a drink with you but I can't think like that." I think he was partially trying to console his friend who acted like it was some sort of loss that Abf is choosing abstinence but I reacted like a ACoA, telling them both to "**** off" and walking out of the house.
I know that reaction is not going to help but sometimes my reactions are so impulsive!
I know I don't OWN any of this but that doesn't mean I don't want to console him over the losses he is experiencing due to the decision not to drink.
ACoA & Codie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sun Prairie, WI
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
I don't want to console him over the losses he is experiencing due to the decision not to drink.
console him over his LOSSES for choosing NOT to drink? seriously? you mean like oh you poor baby having to quit acting like an idiot and become a responsible ADULT? sorry, that just does not make any sense.
your own acting out is perhaps a better place for you to focus your energies. being rash, impulsive and striking others indicates a lack of maturity and self control. fix YOU first, get you good n healthy n well....and let others do the same!
console him over his LOSSES for choosing NOT to drink? seriously? you mean like oh you poor baby having to quit acting like an idiot and become a responsible ADULT? sorry, that just does not make any sense.
your own acting out is perhaps a better place for you to focus your energies. being rash, impulsive and striking others indicates a lack of maturity and self control. fix YOU first, get you good n healthy n well....and let others do the same!
WOW is all I have to say to the rest.
ACoA & Codie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sun Prairie, WI
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by anvilhead
oh that's right, you want to fix HIM< not you..........sorry, MY BAD.
Thanks for the very helpful assumptions.
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