mrsbrownie

I have been reading and reading posts and threads just to learn more about addiction. And I hope that I dont sound stupid enough to asks the following questions, any insights or opinions will be highly appreciated.

So Ive read that there are significant others/wifes/gfs/bfs/husbands/moms/sisters who showed so much love and caring for the addicts to the point of being "enablers" which eventually lead to them being "co-dependents" and yet their As would manage to leave them/dumped them for someone else, and those someone elses could either be former or current As themselves or sometimes people who are not even into smoking moreso alcohol or drugs.

So my questions are:

Is the nature of the As/addiction?

Is it boredom that leads them to another relationship?

thank you so much for reading my post, and please enlighten me.

crazybabie

IMO, we are codependents which lead us to enabling in most cases.

I do not think it is boredom that leads them to another relationship rather I feel it is if they get well they need away from the codependent.

Just my thoughts, as you know others will be along later.

FindingErica

I believe the brokenness and need to "fix" nature of a codependant type naturally attracts/is drawn to addictive/abusive/needy types. Like a magnet to iron.

When addicted my AH can't love himself so he can't give real love. Instead he puts high demands and that are forever out of reach on me, but is never satisfied because what he wants can't be filled by another person. But being a codependent and perfectionist, I keep trying harder and harder, blaming myself for not being enough because I feel I need to live up to others expectations. That is why addicts and Codie's go like hand in glove, no normal person would put up with that.

Nowell

This is true advice assuming that the one left behind is a "codie". However if they are some "normal" person that has never been exposed to the mentality of an addict I can totally understand why the sudden reversal in behavior or jekyll and hyde type behavior of an ex-partner-addict would totally throw them for a loop, have them over analyzing it all, and blaming themselves. And even if one is a “codie” the advice to simply forget about them, move on, and put yourself first, sounds trite even w/in the proper context.
MrsBrownie, if you are still around to read this, you should consider checking out al anon -- there you will develop some context and learn to stop blaming yourself.

Katiekate

The nature of addcition compels the addcit to seek relationships, drugs, etc... that promote the addcition.

When a spouse or gf etc.. pushes against the needs of the addcition, the addcition seeks shelter.

My take anyway.

zoso77

It's funny. I've never pondered this question before.

I was dumped by my AXGF for some guy in NA, and she was particularly cruel and nasty on her way out the door. In addition to being an addict, she is a Borderline Personality. And while she was being nasty on her way out the door, there was some level of awareness on my part to understand this wasn't about me.

In the weeks leading up to our breakup, I had been going to Al Anon meetings 3 days a week, and what that did for me was really allow her to be her. There was a time when I mostly certainly was an enabler, but I was stopping that. I was much, much more at ease and more confident in my dealings with her. I wasn't reacting to her histrionics nearly as much as I used to. And I believe in my heart of hearts that my AXGF really wanted an enabler. So she met someone in program that blew sunshine up her you-know-what, and when she did, she had no use for me anymore.

And the Borderline part of her makeup asserted itself in her sadism on her way out the door. But even though I was really, really hurt, I was aware enough to recognize that she's simply very, very ill. As a result, I didn't ruminate on all the nasty things she said about me on her way out. That's about her, not me.

So, this is really a roundabout way of saying addicts are what they are. Borderlines are what they are. Why do they do what they do? Because they're addicts, and addicts are sick. If I had spent time trying to figure out precisely why my AXGF did what she did, I'd have gone nuts. So, I chalked it up to she's an addict, a whackjob, then put a bow on it and set it aside.

ZoSo

Vale

zoso77,

Just another head full of bad wiring.

but this....

>>>>>she's an addict, a whackjob, then put a bow on it and set it aside.<<<<<<

is PRICELESS!
(you are a poet!)

Xune

You have just helped me realize the type of people who posts in this forum.

I was absolutely baffled why anyone in a million years stands by these dysfunctional drunks who make no effort to get clean and sober!

I still don't know why these ladies don't choose a clean man, knowing full well they are in doomed relationships...but at least I have some kind of insight now.

JimmyDesperate

Well, my relationship broke apart when I confronted her about her drug problem.

In her mind there´s no drug problem and since she is a functioning user on the surface there´s no problem. Regardless if she has a new guy or not as she claimed ( they are so perfect at manipulating) I think the iron and magnet comparison is spot on. I felt so helpless as a codependent and drawn to her against my will. It´s highly irrational to go back and be hurt again and again and again.

They know the weaknesses of a codependent by instinct I assume. They play and exploit you. They will say anything you want to hear. I resent the feeling there might be something wrong with me and only me. The urge I felt to apologize for not being supportive enough. What is wrong with me?

Anyhue, the point is once you stand up to an addict I guess is you have two choices. You stay on your course or let the addict manipulate you to return to codependency. If you wont there will be always somebody else. Being a codependent makes you boring and uninteresting and when you don´t play by their rules and really mean it the next person is in line just be iron to a magnet.

The crucial moment for me was when I internalized codependency isn´t love. It´s just isn´t. I used to call it love, but I wont say it anymore I love her. I think I am just a codependent. Love makes us happy most of times, codependency makes us sad all of the time till we break out. The sense of liberation I felt when I deleted her phone number today speaks volumes. Such a small thing and why was very proud about myself I did it even afterwards I panicked not being able to text or call her. So what?

She doesn´t care and why would I?