HardHat74

Where to start... Here's the shortened version... My wife's sister is a junkie (I no longer use the term 'addict' because it's too sanitized for her). She's 28, been in and out of numerous treatment centers all across the country. Has been in and out of jail over the past few years for things like strong arm robbery (snatching purses from little old ladies), breaking and entering, probation violations etc, not to mention she has contracted a few highly contagious diseases. When one of her boyfriends OD'd (and died) a couple years ago the police discovered a duffel bag that contained firearms and a hand drawn map of the Bank of America down the street (evidently they were planning a bank robbery to get drug money). She is currently in another treatment center here in California. My wife caught her shooting up in our bathroom when she and my in-laws came for a visit back around Easter. She not only has drug addictions but has a few mental issues that doctors have diagnosed her with such as extreme ADHD, depression etc. Here's my problem... She will be leaving this treatment center in the next month and I have a strong feeling my wife is going to attempt to let her sister move in with us. I have told my wife in the past when she tossed around this idea that I was completely against it. She has no intention of getting better or trying to get off drugs (she has told this to all of us as recent as Easter), however my wife and her father seem to think that they can 'control' her if she stays close to them. There is so much enabling going on here it makes me sick to my stomach, I am constantly biting my tongue when I am around her and her family. I refuse to allow this girl in my house let alone let her move in. This may be the event that forces me to make a tough decision. Has anyone had to deal with a situation similar to this? How did it turn out? Thanks...

kmangel

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation as this? How many hours do you have available to you to read up on the hundreds of similar posts people have made here?

Don't under any circumstances let the woman live with you. You'll be sorry. Even if your sister-in-law wants to fully recover, your home is not the place to do it. There are places where she can live that will work with her post rehab.

If your wife and her father think they can "control" your sister-in-law, they will soon discover how futile that exercise will be. Al-Anon is in order for you, your wife and father-in-law. You can not control another human being and addicts are some of the most clever, deceiving people on the face of this earth. Your sister-in-law will have you believing her rubbish. There will come a day when all of you will see through all the lies and manipulation, but unfortunately it may take quite a long time for everyone to get on board with the truth of what is really happening.

Stand firm.

oooopps

let me just type down some of the things you've shared:

junkie
in and out of jail
strong arm robbery
snatching purses from old ladies
bank robbery plans
shooting up IN YOUR HOME just back in Easter which was roughly only 2 months ago

You do not need to bite your tongue about this. Your wife should not subject the marriage and family into this kind of mess. It is unfair AND DANGEROUS for all of you. Do you guys have kids??

DO NOT LET HER STAY AT YOUR HOME.

outtolunch

I echo what has been said.

Do you have children at home?

ChasingJme03

I would say get her to a detox center that has a sliding fee basis. Good Luck!!

SeekingGrowth

From treatment center to sober living environment (SLE), that's what I say. If she's going to recover, she needs the structure and rigor of a halfway or 3/4 house. You don't want to be her jailor, warden, SLE director, and probably couldn't do an effective job of it if you tried. At best, I'd offer to pay for a month or two at an SLE (if money is a problem), and if she doesn't like that option, then she's on her own.

I agree with everyone else that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU LET HER LIVE IN YOUR HOME.

FindingErica

11 years ago I brought my junkie sister into our home one night. She called me and I felt bad for her. I let this lunatic into my home and you know the thanks I got? She held me and my infant daughter hostage in my living room with an ice pick for hours. I was so scared and my husband couldn't hear us upstairs. She could have killed or seriously injured us.

11 years later she is still a junkie. In and out of jail. She is one of the loonies you see wandering the streets. Nothing anyone has done for her has stuck.

Your wife still sees her sister and she is viewing her through the wrong lenses. Don't make the same mistake.

Kindeyes

Setting a boundary with your wife would be a good idea.

What are you willing to accept and what are you not willing to accept? Setting the boundary ahead of time would be best and then be prepared to stick to it.

My son will never be allowed to stay in our home again. My dear husband has set a boundary (at my request and agreement) that if I even hint at allowing our son to live with us, my husband will move out. I CANNOT bear the thought of my husband moving out. It is FAR more powerful than my codependent nature as it pertains to my son. Why on earth would I trade living with a healthy, loving man for a person (our son) who has proven that our drug/alcohol free environment does absolutely nothing to help him. Quite honestly I don't think the matter will ever be an issue but the boundary is there and is very clear.

I would suggest that you lay the boundary out before the matter is even approached by your wife. Sister moves in, I move out until she's ready to live on her own. I would be willing to bet that wife will object loudly, tell you that you are being unfair by asking her to "choose", and basically pitch a little hissy fit. That's ok. That's what people do when they don't get their way. But stick to the boundary and you'll find that you'll be in a better place mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. And when it comes down to the "choice", I suspect your wife will make the right choice.......and you'll never have to move out......but just be prepared to do it if you have to with the assumption that it will be quite temporary......so don't get a long term lease.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. Addiction simply sucks......the life out of a family if allowed to do so.

gentle hugs
ke

dollydo

My boundery would be: If she moves in, I move out.

I will not have an addict in my house.

Do what is best for you.

kmangel

When my son went to rehab I came here to tell others about our situation, that we were planning to have our son move in with us. Right away people told me not to let him move in with us--that there are other options for him. My husband would have none of it. Our son came home to us. Though it was not a horrible experience, it was not in the best interests of any of us. Our son refused to go to NA or AA, he didn't work, he relapsed a couple of times. After seven months, I finally had had enough and began to set boundaries. Fortunately my son was already in the process of moving out to live with his girlfriend. So far so good. He's working and appears to be doing well.

If he falls back into addiction while living with his girlfriend or they just decide to call it quits for other reasons, I've made it clear that our home is not Plan B. I don't know if my husband would try to override my decision that our son not live here in the future or not. My husband is more of the enabler than I am. He might since he refused to consider our son living in a home for recovering addicts when I brought it up when our son was in rehab. I hope I'm never forced to make a choice like you are having to make now.

HardHat74

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I am hoping that this plays out for the best and I am able to continue supporting my wife. But, as you all have recommended and pointed out letting her sister move in is not an option. I hope that my wife and her father will realize that in the end her sisters recovery is not something they can "fix" or control. It has been my own personal experience and seeing others struggle with addiction to know that one will only get better when they truly decide to. Her father can send her to thousands of treatment centers but until she wants to get clean it's all futile. It's easy to say "I want to get better"... to mean it and attempt it is a whole different story.