healing self esteem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
healing self esteem
so it's been since Feb 14th that my ex and I were officially "together"
I know its only been four months, with some very minimal contact here and there...and then the last month with pretty much nil. so many great things are happening in my life, but still I feel the residual pockets of loss and grief and loneliness.
I joined a dating site about two weeks ago, in the middle of the night on a whim. there is a part of me that wants to just say "life is short" that its been over two and a half years that I spent learning to love myself deeply enough to let go of him. I think part of me wants to just drive the final nail, go out on a date and laugh with some other man...
my therapist told me today that she thought it might be a good idea...to just enjoy a date. to see that there are other men out there...to help let go of those residual spidery strands of the web that I lived in.
I just got off the phone with this guy. hes in production biz and suddenly I became afraid that he probably knows my ex's ex sponsor...the one that I spoke with when I experienced my ex's first relapse in our relationship...the one that asked me "what was so wrong with me that I would try to be in a relationship with a relapsing addict"...and suddenly I felt the despair within my self esteem...
I thought of how it would be to try to explain to someone who might be interested in me...why it was that I would have stayed in a relationship for over two years with someone who was smoking crack (and god knows what behaviors go with it) and it just made me sad...
I pray that G finds recovery, but I realize now that as I move forward I not only have my own various issues and alcoholism (in recovery) to put on the table...but that I am now the "ex girlfriend of a crack addict"...I just feel like what I thought I was doing was so compassionate and caring and "valorous" but at the end of it all I just end up as even more damaged goods.
sorry, probably a pity party...having a rough day.
I know its only been four months, with some very minimal contact here and there...and then the last month with pretty much nil. so many great things are happening in my life, but still I feel the residual pockets of loss and grief and loneliness.
I joined a dating site about two weeks ago, in the middle of the night on a whim. there is a part of me that wants to just say "life is short" that its been over two and a half years that I spent learning to love myself deeply enough to let go of him. I think part of me wants to just drive the final nail, go out on a date and laugh with some other man...
my therapist told me today that she thought it might be a good idea...to just enjoy a date. to see that there are other men out there...to help let go of those residual spidery strands of the web that I lived in.
I just got off the phone with this guy. hes in production biz and suddenly I became afraid that he probably knows my ex's ex sponsor...the one that I spoke with when I experienced my ex's first relapse in our relationship...the one that asked me "what was so wrong with me that I would try to be in a relationship with a relapsing addict"...and suddenly I felt the despair within my self esteem...
I thought of how it would be to try to explain to someone who might be interested in me...why it was that I would have stayed in a relationship for over two years with someone who was smoking crack (and god knows what behaviors go with it) and it just made me sad...
I pray that G finds recovery, but I realize now that as I move forward I not only have my own various issues and alcoholism (in recovery) to put on the table...but that I am now the "ex girlfriend of a crack addict"...I just feel like what I thought I was doing was so compassionate and caring and "valorous" but at the end of it all I just end up as even more damaged goods.
sorry, probably a pity party...having a rough day.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Until you take more time to heal those self-esteem issues, it might be safer to do it without any vulnerability to a new male acquaintance. Entering the dating scene with that kind of fragile self-image....it's a risk.
Maybe another four months?
Maybe another four months?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
You know... bad things happen to good people. It doesnt change the fact that the person is a good person.
It's not your fault that you saw potential in a human being and gave that person a chance. It's not your fault that even after they screwed you over, you gave them another chance. You got entangled in a bad situation and couldnt find your way out for a while, but you did and that's all that matters.
If someone were to judge you because you were in a bad situation and you got yourself out, then that person is not worthy of you to date anyways.
Also, if you didnt have the experience that you've had... you wouldnt be on here helping other people and sharing your story. Just a few days ago you were encouraging me, a complete stranger. That shows compassion and empathy which are precious qualities.
Online dating can be frustrating tho. It can be very hard to find someone that you will chemistry with or click with... it's that way for EVERYONE... so try to separate that piece and not reflect it as something being wrong with you.
It's not your fault that you saw potential in a human being and gave that person a chance. It's not your fault that even after they screwed you over, you gave them another chance. You got entangled in a bad situation and couldnt find your way out for a while, but you did and that's all that matters.
If someone were to judge you because you were in a bad situation and you got yourself out, then that person is not worthy of you to date anyways.
Also, if you didnt have the experience that you've had... you wouldnt be on here helping other people and sharing your story. Just a few days ago you were encouraging me, a complete stranger. That shows compassion and empathy which are precious qualities.
Online dating can be frustrating tho. It can be very hard to find someone that you will chemistry with or click with... it's that way for EVERYONE... so try to separate that piece and not reflect it as something being wrong with you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
lesliej sounds like you have had a pretty tough time of late, but have you thought about letting go of some of your negative titles and replace them with more positive ones. you might have dated a drug addict and gave him chances when he didn't deserve them but that is someone who is caring. maybe instead of looking at yourself as the ex gf of a crack addict, ask yourself why you stayed in an unhealthy relationship for 2.5yrs and what can you learn about yours and possibly change. we are given these opportunities to test and learn from. take it as a big learning opportunity and then move on. let go of the negative titles, and give yourself some gold stars for making the right choice in the end and learning more about yourself and that you have a big enough heart to give someone a second chance.
as for internet dating, take it from someone who has been on there on and off for 8years and has met some great people, and some real jerks, if you aren't able to take a heap of knock backs and be strong enough to recognise a bad choice from 8 keystrokes, then your already fragile self esteem is going to take a big beating. go give yourself some more time and join some groups where you can meet new people, and enjoy the company of others without the stress of being on a date.
good luck with it all, and sounds like you are doing just awesome, but need some more you time. hugs.
as for internet dating, take it from someone who has been on there on and off for 8years and has met some great people, and some real jerks, if you aren't able to take a heap of knock backs and be strong enough to recognise a bad choice from 8 keystrokes, then your already fragile self esteem is going to take a big beating. go give yourself some more time and join some groups where you can meet new people, and enjoy the company of others without the stress of being on a date.
good luck with it all, and sounds like you are doing just awesome, but need some more you time. hugs.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I don't think it's necessary to "tell all" on the first date. To simply say "I had a bad experience in a relationship with an addict and am still healing" about sums it up. The rest can be left for some other time, if there is another time.
Hold your head up...you had a problem and did something about it! That's more than most folks can say about the problems in their lives.
Of course, if you don't feel ready there is nothing wrong with taking more time to heal and find your balance.
Whatever you choose, good luck.
Hugs
Hold your head up...you had a problem and did something about it! That's more than most folks can say about the problems in their lives.
Of course, if you don't feel ready there is nothing wrong with taking more time to heal and find your balance.
Whatever you choose, good luck.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Lots of good stuff here for you.
I haven't dated for about 27+ years so I am not one to tell you anything about online dating. But I can tell you that when I "found" my husband (a strong, healthy, non-addict), I did some very specific things.
1. I dated on a referral basis only. I was lousy at picking men out for myself to date but my friends did a much better job. My husband was a "referral" from a co-worker.
2. I paid close attention to how he spoke about his family.....particularly about his mother. My husband had a great relationship (healthy and positive) with his parents and siblings.
Those two things helped me find a great mate whom I love deeply. Of course there's much more involved but those were my two primary focus points.
As for online dating, I've never tried it but my brother met his wife through online dating and she's a gem. There is also a thing called Meetups ( I think that's the name of the site) where you join a group of like-minded people to do activities. Dog walks. Movies. Hiking. Skiing. Croquette (lol). Any interest you have there's a Meetup group doing it. This seems to me to be a great way to meet people--male and female--for friendship. And friendship can evolve into a relationship or be a great source of referrals.
Your posts here show what a truly beautiful, caring person you are. You deserve someone who recognizes those qualities and cherishes them.
gentle hugs
ke
I haven't dated for about 27+ years so I am not one to tell you anything about online dating. But I can tell you that when I "found" my husband (a strong, healthy, non-addict), I did some very specific things.
1. I dated on a referral basis only. I was lousy at picking men out for myself to date but my friends did a much better job. My husband was a "referral" from a co-worker.
2. I paid close attention to how he spoke about his family.....particularly about his mother. My husband had a great relationship (healthy and positive) with his parents and siblings.
Those two things helped me find a great mate whom I love deeply. Of course there's much more involved but those were my two primary focus points.
As for online dating, I've never tried it but my brother met his wife through online dating and she's a gem. There is also a thing called Meetups ( I think that's the name of the site) where you join a group of like-minded people to do activities. Dog walks. Movies. Hiking. Skiing. Croquette (lol). Any interest you have there's a Meetup group doing it. This seems to me to be a great way to meet people--male and female--for friendship. And friendship can evolve into a relationship or be a great source of referrals.
Your posts here show what a truly beautiful, caring person you are. You deserve someone who recognizes those qualities and cherishes them.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: minnesota
Posts: 272
anyway, that was the past. do we have to be accountable for everything we did in the past? that's what healing is all about. it's like, "i made some bad choices because of the place i was in, then i got better, then i made new choices" good for me, is what i think. you should be applauded for the steps and progress you are making. best wishes and your heart will move you in the right direction if you listen to that voice deep within you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
thank you all so much for the replies, some times you just need to reach out for a little support, and also to do a check in to see if you are way off the path. I am thinking that it may be too early to really put myself out there, however I have to say that the flirting feels kind of good. its bittersweet. I think it's kind of nice to have a little light hearted attention but yeah, as English says I think it might be too soon...definitely too soon for a "relationship" which makes me feel like its too soon for a lighthearted date...??? because in one sense if you're not ready than what are you doing?
thanks for the first date fifth step comment, so true...and that's exactly what I was thinking, like I should tell ALL if I'm going to be an honest person. but I guess I can just slow down on that.
I also appreciate the sweet comments on being gentle with my caring/compassionate self. I think that after all is said and done that is what I have learned in the deepest way. how to still love and have compassion for my ex while at the same time realizing I couldn't "have" him. I had to let go in order to do the best thing for both of us. I learned a deeper level of love for him...and for myself.
on the forensics level...I have thought about that often.
I met my ex on a night toward the end of my grad program. before I went out that night I was sent a msg from someone dear who said "let it shine" and I did. I was hosting an art show on my campus. my piece of artwork was a linen prayer flag labyrinth and in the center was the word "compassion". the piece was very powerful and beautiful and I felt that way that night too. I was letting it shine. I had a feeling my then "pre-ex" was going to show that night because I had invited him thru facebook, we had gone to HS together almost 30 years previous, and I knew that he had recently done some work with my brother and that he was also "in recovery".
When I turned and saw him standing there it was love at first sight. His behaviors, the way he charmed me, responded to me and my work. Where he was at in his life...staying fit and handsome, in grad school for counseling...the way he stayed late to help me gather my ceremonial items...it was all just too good.
When I got home the next day and rcv'd a response email from him, telling me what I wanted to hear in poetic promise...I cried. I felt like God was giving me this beautiful gift in my life. I had been sober for four years and I had not had a date. I felt like I had arrived at a point where I was ready...and there it was, the door opened...and it was beautiful.
I found out about crack and bi-polar not long after that. Maybe a month. But I really had NO idea what I was about to deal with and because I had three siblings all successful in recovery I just insisted that it would work. That first relapse I remember thinking that it was the CRUELEST joke from the heavens.
Now...all this way down on the path...I have come to wear just a gentle smile.
I think about my banner waving that night...my hoisting of that "compassion" flag in the middle of that sacred labyrinth. It was my idea that compassion was at the heart of all spiritual endeavor. But I guess I had A LOT to learn. Including having compassion for myself.
sorry for the ramble.
thanks for the first date fifth step comment, so true...and that's exactly what I was thinking, like I should tell ALL if I'm going to be an honest person. but I guess I can just slow down on that.
I also appreciate the sweet comments on being gentle with my caring/compassionate self. I think that after all is said and done that is what I have learned in the deepest way. how to still love and have compassion for my ex while at the same time realizing I couldn't "have" him. I had to let go in order to do the best thing for both of us. I learned a deeper level of love for him...and for myself.
on the forensics level...I have thought about that often.
I met my ex on a night toward the end of my grad program. before I went out that night I was sent a msg from someone dear who said "let it shine" and I did. I was hosting an art show on my campus. my piece of artwork was a linen prayer flag labyrinth and in the center was the word "compassion". the piece was very powerful and beautiful and I felt that way that night too. I was letting it shine. I had a feeling my then "pre-ex" was going to show that night because I had invited him thru facebook, we had gone to HS together almost 30 years previous, and I knew that he had recently done some work with my brother and that he was also "in recovery".
When I turned and saw him standing there it was love at first sight. His behaviors, the way he charmed me, responded to me and my work. Where he was at in his life...staying fit and handsome, in grad school for counseling...the way he stayed late to help me gather my ceremonial items...it was all just too good.
When I got home the next day and rcv'd a response email from him, telling me what I wanted to hear in poetic promise...I cried. I felt like God was giving me this beautiful gift in my life. I had been sober for four years and I had not had a date. I felt like I had arrived at a point where I was ready...and there it was, the door opened...and it was beautiful.
I found out about crack and bi-polar not long after that. Maybe a month. But I really had NO idea what I was about to deal with and because I had three siblings all successful in recovery I just insisted that it would work. That first relapse I remember thinking that it was the CRUELEST joke from the heavens.
Now...all this way down on the path...I have come to wear just a gentle smile.
I think about my banner waving that night...my hoisting of that "compassion" flag in the middle of that sacred labyrinth. It was my idea that compassion was at the heart of all spiritual endeavor. But I guess I had A LOT to learn. Including having compassion for myself.
sorry for the ramble.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I felt like God was giving me this beautiful gift in my life
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Just because it didn't last forever doesn't mean it's not beautiful in someway and maybe you were the gift that night, you truly are today.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Just because it didn't last forever doesn't mean it's not beautiful in someway and maybe you were the gift that night, you truly are today.
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