Adult Daughter - Percoset addiction - help?!
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Adult Daughter - Percoset addiction - help?!
posted this in newcomers...but, i don't think it belongs there...so posting here hoping someone can help.........
Overwhelmed right now, but here are the basics...adult daughter who has been living with me and successfully hiding a bad percoset addiction for i don't know how long. All hit the fan in the last couple months...her sister who is 17 called her out on her crappy behavior, and being a bad mother to my little granddaughter....since then it has been insane.
Beat up her sister over something stupid and then left the house with grandbaby and bf for about a week, stayed in a hotel....then just showed back up like everything was fine. I made her sign a contract to stay in the house, no drug use, no violence, etc...mandatory therapy. But, then last week, i found out she was still using, evidence left out in her room......confronted her and told her if she did not go to rehab, i would call children's services....she said she would kill herself if she had to go to rehab, that she was going to go pick up granddaughter and leave the state and I would never see either one of them again....i did what i had to with the suicide threat and called the cops. They took her to hospital for eval and found percoset, cocaine and weed in her system...but, released her the same night.
She spent the last 4-5 days "detoxing" while taking xanex for her anxiety and smoking weed for the nausea...some detox huh?
She's blaming me for creating stress and making her use, blaming her sister for being so mean, all the typical addicts sh*t....
on friday her plan was to find detox program, go to meetings, check in daily with the counselors from the hospital - she has done NONE of this, and here we are mid day monday and she is saying she's just taking it a day at a time, that she just wants to forget about it all....in other words, she wants to be left alone to do whatever the hell she wants...to counselors and friends, she says all the right things, that she knows she needs help, she wants to be a good mom to her kid, she's sorry, blah, blah, blah....but, actions speak alot louder than words and she is taking no real action to get help.
i don't know what to do anymore........I have paperwork ready to get emergency custody of my granddaughter if this does not change, but, it all hurts, and she is blaming me for not being supportive, positive, etc.
Overwhelmed right now, but here are the basics...adult daughter who has been living with me and successfully hiding a bad percoset addiction for i don't know how long. All hit the fan in the last couple months...her sister who is 17 called her out on her crappy behavior, and being a bad mother to my little granddaughter....since then it has been insane.
Beat up her sister over something stupid and then left the house with grandbaby and bf for about a week, stayed in a hotel....then just showed back up like everything was fine. I made her sign a contract to stay in the house, no drug use, no violence, etc...mandatory therapy. But, then last week, i found out she was still using, evidence left out in her room......confronted her and told her if she did not go to rehab, i would call children's services....she said she would kill herself if she had to go to rehab, that she was going to go pick up granddaughter and leave the state and I would never see either one of them again....i did what i had to with the suicide threat and called the cops. They took her to hospital for eval and found percoset, cocaine and weed in her system...but, released her the same night.
She spent the last 4-5 days "detoxing" while taking xanex for her anxiety and smoking weed for the nausea...some detox huh?
She's blaming me for creating stress and making her use, blaming her sister for being so mean, all the typical addicts sh*t....
on friday her plan was to find detox program, go to meetings, check in daily with the counselors from the hospital - she has done NONE of this, and here we are mid day monday and she is saying she's just taking it a day at a time, that she just wants to forget about it all....in other words, she wants to be left alone to do whatever the hell she wants...to counselors and friends, she says all the right things, that she knows she needs help, she wants to be a good mom to her kid, she's sorry, blah, blah, blah....but, actions speak alot louder than words and she is taking no real action to get help.
i don't know what to do anymore........I have paperwork ready to get emergency custody of my granddaughter if this does not change, but, it all hurts, and she is blaming me for not being supportive, positive, etc.
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Do you have a support person/network (family, friends, Al-anon, Naranon or Families Anonymous)? Dealing effectively and safely with an addict prone to violent outbursts usually requires some backup. Is there anyone you can reach out to at this time who can provide some help?
Blaming others is adolescent behavior; beating someone up is assault and it is criminal behavior. It's good that you have whatever needs to be in place to get custody of your grandchild if necessary. Definitely sounds as though your daughter is not capable of providing stable, sane parenting. Thank goodness you can be there for her child.
That being said, I can't emphasize enough the importance of seeking support for what you are going through. It is extremely painful, difficult, frustrating, confusing and can be very damaging to everyone involved. But there are resources you can draw upon. If there are meetings in your area, get to one as soon as humanly possible.
Will be praying...
Blaming others is adolescent behavior; beating someone up is assault and it is criminal behavior. It's good that you have whatever needs to be in place to get custody of your grandchild if necessary. Definitely sounds as though your daughter is not capable of providing stable, sane parenting. Thank goodness you can be there for her child.
That being said, I can't emphasize enough the importance of seeking support for what you are going through. It is extremely painful, difficult, frustrating, confusing and can be very damaging to everyone involved. But there are resources you can draw upon. If there are meetings in your area, get to one as soon as humanly possible.
Will be praying...
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i have been talking to a few of my friends alot lately, venting and trying to get them to talk to my daughter too...but, she just does not seem to realize the seriousness of her addiction....i just read the piece here on how to know when they are full of crap and YUP...that is her.
She is 24 and acting like a spoiled 5 year old....lots of tears and outbursts, but, not for the right reasons...it's all self pity...i know she's fragile right now, but, if she wants my support, she has to TRY to get herself some help.
i am a single mom, and have a very high stress job as well...after the last month of hell at home, i come to work with major construction and that to deal with and this morning construction workers busted a water pipe and flooded at least one of my tenant spaces....
I am very near my breaking point....and i can't break...my other daughter and my granddaughter need me, i need to keep it together...but, it seems harder by the moment. Even getting to meetings is tough, i work 10-12 hours a day and then need to be home for my granddaughter at night (since mommy dearest isn't providing the security and attention a 4 year old needs)........
She is 24 and acting like a spoiled 5 year old....lots of tears and outbursts, but, not for the right reasons...it's all self pity...i know she's fragile right now, but, if she wants my support, she has to TRY to get herself some help.
i am a single mom, and have a very high stress job as well...after the last month of hell at home, i come to work with major construction and that to deal with and this morning construction workers busted a water pipe and flooded at least one of my tenant spaces....
I am very near my breaking point....and i can't break...my other daughter and my granddaughter need me, i need to keep it together...but, it seems harder by the moment. Even getting to meetings is tough, i work 10-12 hours a day and then need to be home for my granddaughter at night (since mommy dearest isn't providing the security and attention a 4 year old needs)........
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You have so much to cope with right now. Just being the single parent of a teenager (under ideal circumstances) can be enough to stress you out!
Do you belong to a church or other faith community? If so, can you ask for a home visit from the congregation leader (priest/pastor/rabbi etc.) for counseling? It has been my experience that they will make whatever arrangements are necessary to help during times of crisis. Just having an experienced, compassionate listener can relieve some of that pressure-cooker feeling.
If you are not part of a faith community, but there is one in your area, you can still call/stop in, explain your situation (including your heavy schedule and need to care for your granddaughter), and there may be help available for you that you never knew existed. I know our priests will listen to/counsel/make appropriate referrals to anyone who asks for help--member, non-member, "believer" non-believer--whomever needs assistance (sometimes people in crisis will just stop in to the church and be ministered to by clergy and/or staff members).
There are online Naranon, Alanon and Families Anonymous meetings for people who can not attend in-person groups. Friends can be lifesavers, but unless they have first-hand experience dealing with addicts, addiction issues, especially when young children are involved in the situation, often require "stronger medicine": support groups (at least on-line) and professional help/insight. Your 17-year-old daughter might benefit from Alateen (online or in person if possible).
I pray you find some respite during this terribly stressful season. You deserve it.
Do you belong to a church or other faith community? If so, can you ask for a home visit from the congregation leader (priest/pastor/rabbi etc.) for counseling? It has been my experience that they will make whatever arrangements are necessary to help during times of crisis. Just having an experienced, compassionate listener can relieve some of that pressure-cooker feeling.
If you are not part of a faith community, but there is one in your area, you can still call/stop in, explain your situation (including your heavy schedule and need to care for your granddaughter), and there may be help available for you that you never knew existed. I know our priests will listen to/counsel/make appropriate referrals to anyone who asks for help--member, non-member, "believer" non-believer--whomever needs assistance (sometimes people in crisis will just stop in to the church and be ministered to by clergy and/or staff members).
There are online Naranon, Alanon and Families Anonymous meetings for people who can not attend in-person groups. Friends can be lifesavers, but unless they have first-hand experience dealing with addicts, addiction issues, especially when young children are involved in the situation, often require "stronger medicine": support groups (at least on-line) and professional help/insight. Your 17-year-old daughter might benefit from Alateen (online or in person if possible).
I pray you find some respite during this terribly stressful season. You deserve it.
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i have some issues when it comes to organized religion, due to my upbringing...but, do welcome any and all prayers my way.
I have raised 3 girls on my own, was married for a few years, unfortunately to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, so I am very familiar with the term FOG used here....
I spent years doing all that i could making sure to get my kids away from an environment of drugs etc...i busted my butt working to get them in a nice town, good schools etc...only to end up here dealing with all this anyway.
<sigh>
I have raised 3 girls on my own, was married for a few years, unfortunately to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, so I am very familiar with the term FOG used here....
I spent years doing all that i could making sure to get my kids away from an environment of drugs etc...i busted my butt working to get them in a nice town, good schools etc...only to end up here dealing with all this anyway.
<sigh>
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Daughter (24) is not currently employed, was laid off a year ago and then took EMT classes, got a job as an EMT which she lost due to drug use.
My grandaughters father is in the picture, but, is/was also using, so he is not a viable parent either...although he seems in slightly better shape than my daughter right now.
My grandaughter is the most amazing, fantastic, funny and lovable child i have ever known....she is my little love and it is a shame that she is not getting what she needs from either parent.
My grandaughters father is in the picture, but, is/was also using, so he is not a viable parent either...although he seems in slightly better shape than my daughter right now.
My grandaughter is the most amazing, fantastic, funny and lovable child i have ever known....she is my little love and it is a shame that she is not getting what she needs from either parent.
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How does she get the drugs?
Do you pay for anything of hers? (phone, car, ins.)
You are already enabling her just by letting her live there.
The $$ would just add to it.
It really sucks that you are being held hostage because of your love for your granddaughter.
When you decide to finally put your "I will not live with anyone that does drugs" boundary in place you will also need to be prepared to pull the trigger on several tough decisions.
You can find that strength here if you're ready.
I wish you luck.
Do you pay for anything of hers? (phone, car, ins.)
You are already enabling her just by letting her live there.
The $$ would just add to it.
It really sucks that you are being held hostage because of your love for your granddaughter.
When you decide to finally put your "I will not live with anyone that does drugs" boundary in place you will also need to be prepared to pull the trigger on several tough decisions.
You can find that strength here if you're ready.
I wish you luck.
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I know before she was selling to feed her own habit, but, now that i have proven i will call the cops on her....she may be very afraid to do that. And no, I'm not paying for anything else of hers, other than letting her live in my house.
i did put up that boundary, as soon as i found proof she was still using, i gave her the ultimatum of rehab or i get authorities involved...she refused, i called the cops....i thought a night in the ER, would be enough of a shock to make her really see herself a little more clearly...
her therapist keeps telling me i am being too hard on her, need to be gentle and positive....having a damn hard time with that....i want to kick her a$$. I'm going to call him again tonight, let him know that she has not checked in with the substance abuse counselor since thursday, she was supposed to check in a few times a day with them...so clearly she is NOT serious about getting clean....
Ironic that she's sleeping her days away, not doing anything and I've had little or no sleep in days and am spending my days working full time and desperately seeking help....guess that is the same old story around here....
i did put up that boundary, as soon as i found proof she was still using, i gave her the ultimatum of rehab or i get authorities involved...she refused, i called the cops....i thought a night in the ER, would be enough of a shock to make her really see herself a little more clearly...
her therapist keeps telling me i am being too hard on her, need to be gentle and positive....having a damn hard time with that....i want to kick her a$$. I'm going to call him again tonight, let him know that she has not checked in with the substance abuse counselor since thursday, she was supposed to check in a few times a day with them...so clearly she is NOT serious about getting clean....
Ironic that she's sleeping her days away, not doing anything and I've had little or no sleep in days and am spending my days working full time and desperately seeking help....guess that is the same old story around here....
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The hard part in all of this is your granddaughter. Your daughter needs to be on her own to figure it all out--but she has a child. Tough place to be. Your letting her stay with you, no job, no responsibilities, is hindering her. My son sat in my home for seven long months. He was one big pity party. It wasn't until he moved out that he began to get motivated--and the pity party ceased. I haven't heard one lament from him since he moved out. It's better on me, too. I was getting sick emotionally having him here under foot, watching his every move, seeing his relapses first hand and personal. We are not the cause of our children's drug addiction nor are we the answer to their drug addiction.
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Tried talking to her again last night, my granddaughter had come home after spending the last few days with her other grandparents....
So i try the gentler approach, asking what her plans are to get better.....she tells me she is 5 days clean and does not need any help, she will go to therapy once a week and claims she will do drug tests. I ask about going to meetings, outpatient and she says that NEVER works, ALL addicts that do that stuff just find more people to use with, that she doesn't want to talk about or think about her drug use and that if she is forced to do any of that stuff she will use again. Tells me i am stressing her out and making her want to use. (yeah, it's all my fault)...I am telling her I am asking becuase I love her and because i know she is hurting, and that i want her to get help...which starts her ranting about how no one cares about her...........i walk away........she is ranting after me..."sure, walk away from your daughter, yeah, you care, bullsh%t"...then lets out a sort of primal scream...i run back to the stairs to see what happened and there is my little granddaughter, saying did you hear mommy scream, i'm scared...and she is headed up the stairs to me...my daughter comes and tries to grab her...i say "don't you see what you are doing, she is scared, please stop"....she screams "you are the one scaring her".......
so several times last night she pulled my granddaughter away from me, poor kid is scared and just wants hugs and love........i checked a couple times and they would leave her alone in the room, while (i assume) they were smoking pot or whatever in basement, and then come running back as soon as she heard me with the little one.
I'm gonna have to try for custody, it is the ONLY way to protect that kid.
So i try the gentler approach, asking what her plans are to get better.....she tells me she is 5 days clean and does not need any help, she will go to therapy once a week and claims she will do drug tests. I ask about going to meetings, outpatient and she says that NEVER works, ALL addicts that do that stuff just find more people to use with, that she doesn't want to talk about or think about her drug use and that if she is forced to do any of that stuff she will use again. Tells me i am stressing her out and making her want to use. (yeah, it's all my fault)...I am telling her I am asking becuase I love her and because i know she is hurting, and that i want her to get help...which starts her ranting about how no one cares about her...........i walk away........she is ranting after me..."sure, walk away from your daughter, yeah, you care, bullsh%t"...then lets out a sort of primal scream...i run back to the stairs to see what happened and there is my little granddaughter, saying did you hear mommy scream, i'm scared...and she is headed up the stairs to me...my daughter comes and tries to grab her...i say "don't you see what you are doing, she is scared, please stop"....she screams "you are the one scaring her".......
so several times last night she pulled my granddaughter away from me, poor kid is scared and just wants hugs and love........i checked a couple times and they would leave her alone in the room, while (i assume) they were smoking pot or whatever in basement, and then come running back as soon as she heard me with the little one.
I'm gonna have to try for custody, it is the ONLY way to protect that kid.
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While you're filing for custody, you might want to check with an attorney about evicting your daughter ASAP. Please be sure to emphasize the drug aspect. I can't imagine you getting custody if the courts find out you're allowing illegal drugs in the home.
When my daughter was using or a dry drunk, I stopped asking what her plans were. She either told me whatever I wanted to hear, or the truth because she knew I wouldn't kick her ass out the door, until I did.
Who are they? Mom, it is YOUR home and you're the boss of YOUR home. No one is there doing anything that you're not allowing.
Originally Posted by Elphie 
So i try the gentler approach, asking what her plans are to get better.....
........i checked a couple times and they would leave her alone in the room, while (i assume) they were smoking pot or whatever in basement
........i checked a couple times and they would leave her alone in the room, while (i assume) they were smoking pot or whatever in basement
Who are they? Mom, it is YOUR home and you're the boss of YOUR home. No one is there doing anything that you're not allowing.
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Originally Posted by Elphie
i checked a couple times and they would leave her alone in the room, while (i assume) they were smoking pot or whatever in basement, and then come running back as soon as she heard me with the little one.
I'm gonna have to try for custody, it is the ONLY way to protect that kid.
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His parents are much older and recently moved to a retirement village, he can't stay with them....and normally i would have an issue with it but, at the moment, he is at least keeping me informed and seems in much better shape than her. Although he is a bit of a idiot, i have more confidence that he will protect the little one.
The ONLY reason i have not kicked her (or both of them) out, is because of the little one....if i take custody, they both gotta go.
The ONLY reason i have not kicked her (or both of them) out, is because of the little one....if i take custody, they both gotta go.
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One of the saddest things to me in this....AD's best friend, who also has a little girl around the same age as my granddaughter....died of OD last september, so many things that should have been wake-up-calls, have instead been reasons to use....
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Originally Posted by Elphie
so many things that should have been wake-up-calls, have instead been reasons to use....
Addiction is a terrible thing to be under its control. I told my son after he came home from rehab that addiction is the closest thing to demon possession I can think of. Maybe he is one of the lucky ones in that he is still alive and seems to be doing well now. Time will tell.
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My heart goes out to you. I think you are doing the right thing helping your grandaughter. And your other daughter that got beat up. I think you should get the paperwork ready for your grandaughter. It's not gonna change until she goes to rehab. In the meantime you sound like the best person to care for your grandaughter. She is blessed to have you.:ghug3
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I agree with PrayingMama, Al-Anon or Nar-Anon would be a great help to you.
I have a friend who had to involve child protective services to have her grandson removed from her AS GF's home.
Your granddaughter is truly blessed to have you in her life.
You have found a great support system with this group as well.
You are in my prayers.
I have a friend who had to involve child protective services to have her grandson removed from her AS GF's home.
Your granddaughter is truly blessed to have you in her life.
You have found a great support system with this group as well.
You are in my prayers.
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Got to play with my little buddy last night!!! Yay...lots of hugs, giggles, pillow fights, popcorn and cuddling....when she is with me she is usually right up on me or against me....she clearly CRAVES that closeness that she is not getting with her parents.
THAT was good for my soul...she has such a wonderful little spirit.
Finally ate something after a few days of feeling sick from all this, nice big salad.
Tried to talk to AD again, but, if i don't agree with her decisions/choices, etc...she storms off...she wants me to try to go and talk with her & therapist, which i will do, but, will NOT be tag teamed. She needs substance abuse treatment, i can't back down on that point.
She is still mentioning using according to her bf, but, he is trying to be firm with her...but, he also cannot watch her 24/7...she is supposed to take a drug test today, but, as you all know this one may be clean, but, if she knows she will be tested once a week she will use after the test and hope that she is clean by the next test...it is all such b.s.
THAT was good for my soul...she has such a wonderful little spirit.
Finally ate something after a few days of feeling sick from all this, nice big salad.
Tried to talk to AD again, but, if i don't agree with her decisions/choices, etc...she storms off...she wants me to try to go and talk with her & therapist, which i will do, but, will NOT be tag teamed. She needs substance abuse treatment, i can't back down on that point.
She is still mentioning using according to her bf, but, he is trying to be firm with her...but, he also cannot watch her 24/7...she is supposed to take a drug test today, but, as you all know this one may be clean, but, if she knows she will be tested once a week she will use after the test and hope that she is clean by the next test...it is all such b.s.
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