Adult Daughter - Percoset addiction - help?!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Been a rough week....suspected daughter of using again (hanging with the friends from before)...texted a friend to ask if she would come give her the test. Whole night a disaster....daughters ABF - ended up in hospital puking blood from drugs/drinking, nearly died....we woke her up at 3 am to tell her and test her. Positive for several drugs, lots of freaking out, accusations, irratic behavior.
Friday i went to courthouse, got guardianship of my granddaughter and a restraining order served on my AD to get her out of house. A few more ugly scenes....too much detail to go through again.
She checked in late last night to a 4 day program in boston, then tried to check herself out today...they said no, but, she will likely check herself out in the morning....BF had checked himself out of hospital Friday without getting fully diagnosed (they told him he could die, without treatment) supposedly went back to hospital today, suicidal thoughts...so at least maybe he will stay in psych ward a few days...she says now she wants to find outpatient. But WTF, now she is homeless, lost custody of her kid and still wont stay in a GD program....at wits end.
Friday i went to courthouse, got guardianship of my granddaughter and a restraining order served on my AD to get her out of house. A few more ugly scenes....too much detail to go through again.
She checked in late last night to a 4 day program in boston, then tried to check herself out today...they said no, but, she will likely check herself out in the morning....BF had checked himself out of hospital Friday without getting fully diagnosed (they told him he could die, without treatment) supposedly went back to hospital today, suicidal thoughts...so at least maybe he will stay in psych ward a few days...she says now she wants to find outpatient. But WTF, now she is homeless, lost custody of her kid and still wont stay in a GD program....at wits end.
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Location: Burnsville, MN
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Elphie,
Sorry to hear about the chaos going on. Can you shut the door on it? You have a restraining order and guardianship of your granddaughter, is there any way you can have a bit of no contact with your daughter and her boyfriend for a while? Just try to get your life and your granddaughter's life on an even keel and routine?
Nothing you do will convice either your AD or her boyfriend to seek recovery right now - let them go on their own for a while. Even "hearing" updates day to day can be frustrating. (In rehab, out of rehab, liking rehab, not liking rehab, etc., etc., etc. . . . it would be enough to make my spin!)
Take care of yourself and your granddaughter, good luck!
Sorry to hear about the chaos going on. Can you shut the door on it? You have a restraining order and guardianship of your granddaughter, is there any way you can have a bit of no contact with your daughter and her boyfriend for a while? Just try to get your life and your granddaughter's life on an even keel and routine?
Nothing you do will convice either your AD or her boyfriend to seek recovery right now - let them go on their own for a while. Even "hearing" updates day to day can be frustrating. (In rehab, out of rehab, liking rehab, not liking rehab, etc., etc., etc. . . . it would be enough to make my spin!)
Take care of yourself and your granddaughter, good luck!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
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Dear Elphie,
So sorry to hear you've been going through such suffering. I agree that a break sounds like the best thing you can do right now for yourself and your granddaughter--everyone really.
I hope you have good friends around you to lean on. Sending blessings and prayers your way.
So sorry to hear you've been going through such suffering. I agree that a break sounds like the best thing you can do right now for yourself and your granddaughter--everyone really.
I hope you have good friends around you to lean on. Sending blessings and prayers your way.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Saint Paul MN
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Help!
You know what you need to do. But, it's hard to do. There is no reason you have to put up with this kind of behavior any more, but if you continue to be attached to her this way you are going to suffer and eventually pay a very high price for being so close to someone actively addicted. You need to cut loose. The only problem with this is that you are also going to have to do something about your granddaughter. That is the only reason to be connected to her mother. You can do something by being assertive. Go to the courts and file for custody of the granddaughter because the mother is neglecting the child and presenting a real hazard to the child because of the active using. This is a tough thing to do.
You need counseling or some stronger support network to guide you through the steps you know you need to take. It takes courage, but you can be boosted by knowing that you are acting on behalf of your grandchild. The other part of this is to not support your daughter in anything she does. You can't keep seeing her or allowing her access to the house and her sister.
I know that to be told all this seems arrogant and high minded...but sometimes people can see better what needs to be done because you are so close to the action it dulls your sensibility.
Hang in there ...it gets better, but you have to do something to make it so.
You need counseling or some stronger support network to guide you through the steps you know you need to take. It takes courage, but you can be boosted by knowing that you are acting on behalf of your grandchild. The other part of this is to not support your daughter in anything she does. You can't keep seeing her or allowing her access to the house and her sister.
I know that to be told all this seems arrogant and high minded...but sometimes people can see better what needs to be done because you are so close to the action it dulls your sensibility.
Hang in there ...it gets better, but you have to do something to make it so.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 71
rogwatts - i did get guardianship, and restraining/vacate order - daughter is out of the house and not sure where she is at the moment....
I have not seen her/talked to her since early Friday morning, and have at least until the 25th with restraining order in place.
Just trying to work and find day care and spend time with the little one....best thing i can do right now is keep my focus there.
I have not seen her/talked to her since early Friday morning, and have at least until the 25th with restraining order in place.
Just trying to work and find day care and spend time with the little one....best thing i can do right now is keep my focus there.
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Little one is good, been keeping her busy and have support that is helping me with her....she is just such a little love, giving lots of hugs and kisses....
Because of RO, not in contact with AD, but, hearing through others at least lets me know she is safe. Just so heartbreaking to know she has made the choices she has and that she is where she is....still does not seem willing (or able) to find inpatient long term program....only looking at outpatient and has been to a couple of NA meetings. At least it is something and will hopefully help change her mindset from entitlement to recovery.
This is all so hard, and trying to work, take care of a 4 year old and the next two weeks I've also got a prior commitment to a volunteer organization i work with....then need some down time, so quiet, some peace....
Because of RO, not in contact with AD, but, hearing through others at least lets me know she is safe. Just so heartbreaking to know she has made the choices she has and that she is where she is....still does not seem willing (or able) to find inpatient long term program....only looking at outpatient and has been to a couple of NA meetings. At least it is something and will hopefully help change her mindset from entitlement to recovery.
This is all so hard, and trying to work, take care of a 4 year old and the next two weeks I've also got a prior commitment to a volunteer organization i work with....then need some down time, so quiet, some peace....
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Toledo, OH
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You are doing the right thing... tough love! Do not be part of the problem! Be there for your grandchild but if you want to see your AD healthy you need to make it as hard as possible for her to get the drugs! By helping her with bills you're helping her with drugs so awesome job not giving in.
She's an adult she is no longer your responsibility and the people that have to work hard for what they have are MUCH better off than the people who get help their whole lives, trust me that's how me and my sister are, night and day! It sounds backwards but addicts are all backwards too, that's just how you gotta deal with them.
When she claims you're not being supportive that's when you know you're doing the right thing!!!!!!!!!!!! In an addict's eyes supportive means enabling, falling into their trap, believing their lies, everything you're not supposed to be doing! They don't even know what supportive means and just like when raising your children if you're the mean parent you know you're being a good parent! You can't be a parent and a friend at the same time just like you can't be a supporter and an enabler at the same time, the only thing you would be supporting is her habit! She needs to understand however long she's been lying and using it's going to take AT LEAST that long to earn your trust back! Addicts don't understand that, they think one clean **** test and all should be forgiven. Addiction is such a selfish disease, stay strong!!!!
She's an adult she is no longer your responsibility and the people that have to work hard for what they have are MUCH better off than the people who get help their whole lives, trust me that's how me and my sister are, night and day! It sounds backwards but addicts are all backwards too, that's just how you gotta deal with them.
When she claims you're not being supportive that's when you know you're doing the right thing!!!!!!!!!!!! In an addict's eyes supportive means enabling, falling into their trap, believing their lies, everything you're not supposed to be doing! They don't even know what supportive means and just like when raising your children if you're the mean parent you know you're being a good parent! You can't be a parent and a friend at the same time just like you can't be a supporter and an enabler at the same time, the only thing you would be supporting is her habit! She needs to understand however long she's been lying and using it's going to take AT LEAST that long to earn your trust back! Addicts don't understand that, they think one clean **** test and all should be forgiven. Addiction is such a selfish disease, stay strong!!!!
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super busy all weekend with my other interests (volunteer program)....so little one was busy and had fun too....
more of the same from AD and her BF, neither in inpatient programs, both will continue to fail if they do not just surrender to recovery....
sad.
more of the same from AD and her BF, neither in inpatient programs, both will continue to fail if they do not just surrender to recovery....
sad.
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now hearing that she is no longer staying with a friend, but, sleeping in her car...breaks my heart, i've been homeless and it is awful....i know she is hurting, but, she still does not seem to be willing to surrender to recovery, inpatient, etc....long term.
Still seeking sympathy, support, and still fighting with ABF, who i'm hearing is now in jail for punching out her car window, although i'm sure there is alot more to that story than what she is telling people....and I'm glad my granddaughter is safely away from their fighting.
Oldest has the little one today, for fun activity day! and then I was promised this morning "lots of cuddles" tonight
Still seeking sympathy, support, and still fighting with ABF, who i'm hearing is now in jail for punching out her car window, although i'm sure there is alot more to that story than what she is telling people....and I'm glad my granddaughter is safely away from their fighting.
Oldest has the little one today, for fun activity day! and then I was promised this morning "lots of cuddles" tonight
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Elphie, the new drugs they are taking DO NOT show up on the drug tests. We gave our son a 12 drugs test and he past it. We could tell just by looking at him he was wired and had been up for days.
He was doing Bath Salts. That stuff is really scary and makes them violent. He will snap at a drop of a hat. He says, mom I am not doing anything illegal. That is their mind set. Do not trust drug test.
I know what you are going through. My heart hurts for you.
I have asked my son to leave. The only time he can come here is when we have his girls every other weekend and that is for them not him. They miss their dad so much and are having a hard time with the break up.
I have just started coming here yesterday and have found a lot of help and GREAT advice. I am going to a meeting tonight. I have learned in this short time, I NEED help. I am getting sick over it. We have to take care of ourselves. What ever you do get help to keep your sanity. Your granddaughter will need you to be ok.
Prayers going your way.
He was doing Bath Salts. That stuff is really scary and makes them violent. He will snap at a drop of a hat. He says, mom I am not doing anything illegal. That is their mind set. Do not trust drug test.
I know what you are going through. My heart hurts for you.
I have asked my son to leave. The only time he can come here is when we have his girls every other weekend and that is for them not him. They miss their dad so much and are having a hard time with the break up.
I have just started coming here yesterday and have found a lot of help and GREAT advice. I am going to a meeting tonight. I have learned in this short time, I NEED help. I am getting sick over it. We have to take care of ourselves. What ever you do get help to keep your sanity. Your granddaughter will need you to be ok.
Prayers going your way.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Court yesterday, RO was extended until November 1, based on recommendation from the victims advocate at courthouse....
AD finally got in touch with DCF case worker (after a WEEK)....case worker is meeting with her on Friday, hopefully she will have some luck convincing AD to get in a residential program.
could literally feel my heart breaking seeing her and knowing she's in pain yesterday, but, she has GOT to realize that she needs help and it can't just be help the way SHE wants it.....
Little one is doing well, getting lots of love and attention that she wasn't really getting when both parents were living at the house and using. She really is such a little love and it helps when she is so loving, cuddly, giving lots of kisses and hugs...she thrives on that and it is definitely good for me too.
AD finally got in touch with DCF case worker (after a WEEK)....case worker is meeting with her on Friday, hopefully she will have some luck convincing AD to get in a residential program.
could literally feel my heart breaking seeing her and knowing she's in pain yesterday, but, she has GOT to realize that she needs help and it can't just be help the way SHE wants it.....
Little one is doing well, getting lots of love and attention that she wasn't really getting when both parents were living at the house and using. She really is such a little love and it helps when she is so loving, cuddly, giving lots of kisses and hugs...she thrives on that and it is definitely good for me too.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
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Dear Elphie,
I'm so glad to hear that your daughter is in touch with her case worker. I'm so sorry for your anguish. My mother's heart goes out to yours. Stay strong. Your daughter has a chance. You are doing the best things you can do for her, your granddaughter, and yourself.
When you mentioned about all the cuddles you and your granddaughter share, it reminded me of the maxim: We need four hugs a day to survive, eight to maintain, and 12 hugs a day to grow and thrive. How wonderful it is you and she have each other to lavish hugs on.
Blessings to you and peace. I pray your daughter seeks recovery.
I'm so glad to hear that your daughter is in touch with her case worker. I'm so sorry for your anguish. My mother's heart goes out to yours. Stay strong. Your daughter has a chance. You are doing the best things you can do for her, your granddaughter, and yourself.
When you mentioned about all the cuddles you and your granddaughter share, it reminded me of the maxim: We need four hugs a day to survive, eight to maintain, and 12 hugs a day to grow and thrive. How wonderful it is you and she have each other to lavish hugs on.
Blessings to you and peace. I pray your daughter seeks recovery.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Some texting with AD last night. More guilt about me (her family) not being supportive...not helping her through recovery....more excuses of why she can't/wont get into a long term inpatient program.....more self pity about not seeing or talking to "HER" daughter...more entitlement.
Isn't recovery supposed to make them humbled? Not seeing much of that. She is saying some of the right things, never wants to use again, never wants to live like that....wants to be a good mom all that, but, actions not words show the truth.
Isn't recovery supposed to make them humbled? Not seeing much of that. She is saying some of the right things, never wants to use again, never wants to live like that....wants to be a good mom all that, but, actions not words show the truth.
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Just curious...if you have a RO on her, why are you texting with her? Isn't that against the RO rules?
If you have custody of the child, why not go no contact with your AD? Communication with her just keeps you upset. If you don't know what she is doing, it can't upset you.
If you have custody of the child, why not go no contact with your AD? Communication with her just keeps you upset. If you don't know what she is doing, it can't upset you.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Hi Elphie I'm new here but just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you. I have been and am in the same situation as you. My daughter is 24 and also a addict . I just got permanent custody of my grandchildren last week (4 year old and 9 months) the baby was born addicted and had to stay in the hospital for a 7 weeks after she was born. I know it is really tough knowing what the next step is. For me I had to focused on what was best for my grandchildren. It has not been easy but they are a blessing in my life. My daughter is still out there using and homeless and it just breaks my heart but I know that only she can make the decision to get sober I can't do it for her.
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i (probably stupid) had the RO modified so that she could check in with me, her biggest hurt was that she could not call. but, now it is the begging to talk to her daughter, which i just don't think is a good idea right now at all....little one is in a good way, i don't want talking to "mommy" to mess up the safe, comfortable zone we are in now with her.
I'm ready to set that boundary again if she continues to push, and I'll stop answering any attempt at contact.
Need to touch base with DCF worker as well and see what they think.
I'm ready to set that boundary again if she continues to push, and I'll stop answering any attempt at contact.
Need to touch base with DCF worker as well and see what they think.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by Elphie 
Isn't recovery supposed to make them humbled? Not seeing much of that. She is saying some of the right things, never wants to use again, never wants to live like that....wants to be a good mom all that, but, actions not words show the truth.
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I worry too much, I know that, and i'm trying to see where the future leads and unfortunately that is very uncertain right now, and it is my AD that is responsible for where it goes from here.
She has been doing outpatient treatment for about 10 days (not enough IMO), supposedly clean for about 18 days, but, still making excuses for not getting into a residential program, I know from what i read here and elsewhere it is not easy and not instant, that the system is seriously flawed when it comes to getting in somewhere, but, i also know she is not really pushing hard, because of all the lame excuses....no where to leave her truck...it would mess up her unemployment...this program is too long, this one too religious....wont take her insurance.....she doesn't need long term, the IOP is giving her all she needs.... blah, blah, blah.
She left me a message to that effect last night, asking for my help in finding resources, but, i know from DCF worker that she was handed a list of state funded programs, halfway houses, sober houses, shelters, etc...I certainly don't have access to more resources than what someone like DCF could provide to her....and I can't help her or push someplace to take her....this is up to HER.
One of the places I had called a few weeks ago, told me very bluntly to stop calling places for her, stop doing the work for her.....and he was right.
Her bf is now in a sober house after spending a few nights at a very scary shelter in the city full of junkies, unwashed, strung out, gave him a good view of his future if he doesn't stop....so now again, at sober house in safe place, drug tested at the door every day, they are going to refer him into a program, he's looking for work, etc...respecting my wishes to not continue to bug me about talking to the little one....all good signs that HE is on the right road.
when will my AD really get it and do the same?? NO more excuses, no more self pity, no more entitlement, demands, expectations that others should help her.....
She has been doing outpatient treatment for about 10 days (not enough IMO), supposedly clean for about 18 days, but, still making excuses for not getting into a residential program, I know from what i read here and elsewhere it is not easy and not instant, that the system is seriously flawed when it comes to getting in somewhere, but, i also know she is not really pushing hard, because of all the lame excuses....no where to leave her truck...it would mess up her unemployment...this program is too long, this one too religious....wont take her insurance.....she doesn't need long term, the IOP is giving her all she needs.... blah, blah, blah.
She left me a message to that effect last night, asking for my help in finding resources, but, i know from DCF worker that she was handed a list of state funded programs, halfway houses, sober houses, shelters, etc...I certainly don't have access to more resources than what someone like DCF could provide to her....and I can't help her or push someplace to take her....this is up to HER.
One of the places I had called a few weeks ago, told me very bluntly to stop calling places for her, stop doing the work for her.....and he was right.
Her bf is now in a sober house after spending a few nights at a very scary shelter in the city full of junkies, unwashed, strung out, gave him a good view of his future if he doesn't stop....so now again, at sober house in safe place, drug tested at the door every day, they are going to refer him into a program, he's looking for work, etc...respecting my wishes to not continue to bug me about talking to the little one....all good signs that HE is on the right road.
when will my AD really get it and do the same?? NO more excuses, no more self pity, no more entitlement, demands, expectations that others should help her.....
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