From Addiction to Recovery. My Story *long*
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
From Addiction to Recovery. My Story *long*
Please don't get the idea that I am bragging or glamorizing my drug use .. I wrote my story as flippantly as I lived my life in my active addiction.
At the age of 9 I started smoking cigs, by 10 I had drank my first bottle of Boones Farm (I think that was the name) Strawberry Hill Wine and smoked my first joint. I thought the way the weed make me giggle and first feeling of being buzzed by the wine was kind of fun ... (Therein was the problem for me all in one word F U N) I was a kid ... I like to have f u n. So, naturally I added drinking and smoking pot list of fun things to do ... Funny thing about it is ... They became the only things I liked to do (that is unless of course, I found another drug like valium to add to the fun things to do list) Then along comes huffing Bactine from a paper bag. Thank God that just didn't seem like much fun so I didn't do that again. Gave me a headache. Plus it was just too much work for me. I mean you gotta go to the store to buy bactine, get a paper bag, spray it in the bag, huff it out and all you get is red blood shot eyes and a headache NO Thank you.
So I just stuck with my weed and booze and my occasional valium for now until I discovered "whites" "crisscrosses" added them to the list too ... along came Black Beauties I didn't really give a crap about em. I just took them when I was out drinking just because someone gave em to me.
Throw in codeine
I stayed pretty steady using the same drugs until I was introduced to qualudes. I feel immediately in love with them ... They were awesome and became my funniest thing to do while I was drinking.
Lets slam some codeine (ew, freaky - not sure about that one)
Next came my full on barbiturates addiction with Tuinal (a blue n red capsules AKA Rainbows), Seconal (red capsules AKA Reds) , & Nembutal (yellow capsules AKA Yellows) oh, and the non-barbs ... Placidyl (red and green with the nasty tasting overly strong like cinnamon yucky flavor)
One of my favorite things to do was to take reds, yellows, and tuinals break the seal open em up and mix the powders from each of them together put em back together and eat em that way (of course there was always some extra power left over that would be twisted into a piece of paper towel and swallowed with a glass of wine or a shot of tequila)
Lets try shootin' Tuinal
Then along came cocaine & crank honestly I preferred coke, but if someone had a blast of speed for me to do ... I wouldn't turn it down and lets not leave out the bLoTteR & MiRcO dOt AcId
Take some speed add in some coke and slam it ...
One of my other favorite things do to was use coke and take ludes together add alcohol and party hardy.
Gotta try Heroin ... snort it, not for me. Don't like sleeping through my high. Loved the initial affect of it though ... where every muscle in my back and body just relaxed if the high stayed like that I would have been hooked for sure, but too much sleeping for me. I thought of it as a waste of a good high
So here now, I've begun to deal cocaine so not only am I living the life of a druggie, but I'm a dealer on top of it. I had tons of friends and lots of dope. I no longer got regular gifts on holidays or birthday ... I would get presents that were either paraphernalia or dope ... I got to try and test all kinds of different coke because there was always someone wanting me to switch connections cuz they had the "kind" I worked that to my advantage every time.
Lets shoot coke (that became a thing for a while) even moved someone into my home because she would do me. I couldn't and didn't want to do it myself. So I had her live with me and paid her in dope to hit me at my beckon call.
I have heard a lot of people like the ringing in the ears, but not me. I hated it. This one particular night I went into the bathroom and I looked at the chick, extended my arm and said, "I don't want to hear the ringin in my ears" Well she hit me and I remember freezing for a minute then talking like a robot "get me out of the bathroom" I said in a robot like speaking manner. I didn't hear the ringing sound, but I did hear what sounded like two huge bumble bees one on each side of my ears ... buzzing away ... really loud and I went into my living room, squatted down to turn up the stereo to try to drown out the sound and my body jumped from a squatting position to a standing up position on its own. I bent down again and it did it again.
I couldn't breath right ... I went into my bedroom to lay down and I couldn't lay still so I got up and I pulled my curtain back and looked out towards the empty field behind my apartment. My heart was beating so fast and hard you could see my t-shirt moving in front ... short of like my heart was trying to jump out my chest.
I looked towards the field and there was this girl in a long black flowing gown dancing down a path towards me ... singing "I'm coming to see the new comer" I'm coming to see the new comer" (I remember it like it was yesterday, I will never forget how she sung it) then out in front of her to the right there was this man in a long black robe with long sleeves on it and a hood ... I couldn't see his hands because they he had his arms crossed and his hands were tucked into the sleeves. I could barley see his face ... and to his right and left side was a hooded being in a long black gown awaiting for his instruction. They were standing in a way that I couldn't see their faces and the hood covered their profiles ... off in the distance past the girl that was still singing and dancing slowly and flowingly toward me ... there was light and like an fence the went up towards the sky, but never ended. There was a man climbing the fence and he was dressed in jeans and a t shirt ... all he could think about was how do I get out of here. Then I looked back towards the hooded figure and he spoke to me. Not with his mouth, but it was a thought that was transferred from his mind to mine. He said, "come with me my child" I felt a good feeling from him, he seemed nice and I liked that he had addressed me as his child, but something (not a voice that I could audibly hear) but almost like a voice inside of me ... in my heart or soul said, "If you say yes to him, you will die"
Well now, that pissed me off. I thought what a deceptive piece of crap ... pretending to be all nice to me and he really just was there to take my life. I remember saying at that moment "God, If you let me live I promise I will never stick another needle in my arm to use drugs again" I then looked up at the robed and hooded figure and flipped him off .. saying out loud, @%$ YOU, I will NOT come with you. and I closed the curtain and walked away ... back into the front room. (Note: I do NOT by any means consider this to be a hallucination) I saw what I saw and it was real ... I considered it as an omen, or the devil there to receive my soul. NO ONE, NOTHING will every convenience me otherwise.
Where I told myself that I needed to get a hold of myself and calm my breathing down or I was going to die. I had told others in the house to just leave, to get out, take the dope and leave in case I died they wouldn't be there for the cops to take em to jail.
No one listened they just kept going into the bathroom (it was my two roommates and a friend) they just kept shooting up ... I told my other roommate that I felt weird and something was wrong ... she was on her way towards the bathroom and she literally growled at me like a dog and said don't ruin my high.
So I went and sat on the front steps ... I heard voices and saw a pair of brown shoes walk up without someone in them (I realize that to be a hallucination .. it was totally different from what happened earlier) I could recognize it as a hallucination.
I sat out on the porch and fought to breath until who knows when ... I can't tell you what happened after that... I don't know if I went to sleep, passed out or what. I vaguely remember opening my eyes and being on the couch, but I don't know anything else.
I don't remember the next day or how I came out of it all. It is just a blank to me. Something I will never know. A missing piece.
I will say this though ... I kept my promise to God ... I never ever shot up again. However, I continued to use in every other way.
I watched my roommates and friend continue to shoot up ... it made me sick to my stomach. I would literally sit out in the front room just waiting to hear a thud from someone dropping dead in the bathroom ... It was such a sick feeling. I went around and told everyone that slammed about my experience and I begged them all to stop slamming and told them that they didn't want to go where I had been, but no one listened.
Finally one day I happened to see one of my room-mates walking around like a zombie with her arms extended outward ... headed towards the other roomies door ... she just moved her wrist to tap out a knock .. the door opened and she went in and got her fix. This sickened me to no end.
Afterwards, I knocked on the door ... went in ... looked at the (chick I had moved in to shoot us up) and told her that I had to go to work, but by the time I got home I wanted her gone or else I would kill her. I said that I didn't want her shooting up people in my home any more and I wanted her out. She knew I meant it and was gone by the time I got home from work.
I was relieved ... but my other room-mate still hooked up with her and shot up in the van.
There was another person too that would hit her when he came over to score. I ended up telling him that if he showed up at my door anymore I would kill him too. So he quit coming around. I didn't want to see my roommate die at the hands of a needle. Warped as it was .. I didn't care if she snorted, but the needle had to go.
I became protective over my friend and stood up in for her in an area I knew she was too weak to stand up for herself. I know it didn't eliminate her using via the needle completely, but it got it out of my home and out of my face. So it helped me anyway. Then came the smoking it .. I never did like smoking coke .. it made sound become amplified to the point of almost making me nutz so I didn't smoke it, but I cooked it for my roommate and her friends ... I would get paid in dope to cook it ... people would buy dope from me and throw me a half gram or qt to cook it up for them ... I had all the dope an addict could ask for ... and more ...
I snorted and watched others smoke it and watched them when it was all gone .. they would crawl all over the floor looking for crumbs they might have dropped ... it looked like a snake pit of bodies crawling around and over and on each other looking for carpet dope ... made me sick ... I hated it ... I would see them down on the floor for hours and hours ... smoking bread crumbs or anything else that looked like a white rock ... using rum 151 to make the flame to smoke it with and if they ran out of run ... lighter fluid would do, or perfume, or whatever else was flammable ... that drove me nutz too ... I hated the smoking of coke and every thing about it.
I snorted away and began to despise my life and the people in it. My relationships sucked ... they were all druggies and crazy ... either beat on me or shot at me or what the @%$ ever crossed the drug crazed mind. So time marched on I was going down the tubes ... I was using so heavily that I couldn't even do a bump without literally passing out.
Finally I moved and eliminated a lot of people from my life, but I still used and still did barbs n coke, drank like a fish ... then Scotty and I got together. Our story picks up where mine leaves off.(To Read Scotty's Story Google William Scott Simmons)
My relationship started in drug use and ended in me getting clean and him continuing his use .. I was so miserable to the point that I considered suicide was the answer to get away ... I felt I had tried everything and nothing worked .. people, drugs, alcohol had let me down and left me empty ... but something spoke to my heart and said, "Have you tried God yet? Until you've tried God you haven't tried everything" ... I wasn't a believer in God and actually had major issues with "the God thing" but I thought, No I haven't tried God .. so right there in my kitchen I prayed, God, I don't want to drink, I don't want to use drugs .. I don't even want to smoke anymore ... Three days went by and I realized that I hadn't done any of those things nor had I the desire to do them ... and I thought to myself .. there must be something to this God thing ... to my amazement ... three days turned into three weeks, then three months .. to three years ... I had been pulled by the hand of God from the pit - What I had tried to do for myself over the years, but was too weak to do .God did in an instant. A step of faith, a simple prayer coming from a ripe and oh so ready heart and the Lord stepped in and changed my entire life.... I was finally free! I give him all the glory, honor and praise. I cannot thank him enough.
I've lived drugs to the fullest ... I've lived the lifestyle of an addict/dealer ... I've done recovery and walk in it on a daily basis ( I prefer my life drug free )
I hurt those that loved me when I was active in my addiction ... I have done to my mom what some moms here are going through with their daughters/sons ... I have been to my oldest child what some kids here are going through with their addicted parent(s) .... I have been to my friends and family what your addict has been to you and your family ... I have done it all and repeated it over and over again .. I know the lifestyle like the back of my hand ... I could do it blindfolded ... I have found recovery and have had done to me what some of you here are experiencing with your loved one who is addicted ... I have tried anything and everything and retried it till I couldn't try it no more I have tried to save my loved one from himself only to lose me and have to find my way back over and over and over again ... I am not God .. I do not have the power to save anyone, but myself ... I am powerless ... but not paralyzed ... I have walked the path before a lot of you here that are seeking answers as to what the hell is going on and how you can help your addict ... I have been down the road as an addict and have been in recovery ... I can help those of you who are using ... you have to be willing .. you have to want it ... I can save you alot of pain and misery if you will trust us and listen to wisdom and the voice of experience.
Where ever you are at ... what ever your circumstances ... Nothing is impossible with God ... you can become whole if you are willing and want it bad enough ... It doesn't get handed to you on a silver platter, it won't be wrapped in a cute lil package all neat and tidy ... you will be required to give all that you've got and give up all that you know ... it will take willingness, courage, strength ... there is light at the end of tunnel ... If your having a hard time finding the way ... there are people here that can provide you with a flash light and give you directions .. I can guide you the way, but you have to walk the path and do the foot work for yourself.. If you fall down you have to get up and brush yourself off and get back on the path.
I have watched friends die from drugs, I have reached down into the pit and tried to pull a friend or loved one out, I have watched them reach back only to see that the voice of their addiction was calling for a just one more time bump, or shot and that one more time was the last time for them ... I have wept because they were so close to getting out of the pit ... I almost could touch their hand, by all I got was a brushing of skin touching and they slipped away and out of my reach ... I have stood at my friends funeral and looked upon his wife as she grieved over his coffin with ... I have heard the words run through my head ... "I'm not hurting anyone" but he never got to see her grieve him to know that he was hurting her and he hurt his stepson and me and all his other friends and family .. he hurt us big time ... he hurt us one LAST TIME with everlasting pain. An ain't no more chances to change .. can't kiss it and make it better kinda hurt ... Though, his suffering is over ... We will always remember the pain associated with helplessly watching him go down ...trying to reach him and not being able to ...
The addict thinks that their using isn't hurting anyone by using drugs" but if you've ever witnessed a grieving parent or spouse, relative or friend burying a loved one ... You know just how untrue that statement is ... Drugs do hurt more than just the drug user ... but the drug user on the other hand has been over taken by addiction and haven't a clue to the pain their addiction causes those who care about them ... Addiction is selfish and the only care the addict has is how to get the next fix .. Whoa is always the addict ...
I have been on both sides of the coin. I have hurt and been hurt ... Now I am here ... I am reaching out to you ... the addict ... you the one that loves an addict ... please if you reach back ... make sure to grab on and hold on for dear life ... don't look back down into the pit ... look up and trust that this is the only way out ... don't let go ... cover your ears and don't listen to the voices of just one more time or just one more chance ... You are here now ... you are alive now ... your addict is alive now ... one more chance might mean his/her life ... one more time might take your life ... take my hand now and don't let go.
I know where peace is, I know where joy is ... I know where freedom is ... follow me ... I can lead you there ... care to walk with me?
I am here for a reason ... the reason is YOU!
Sher AKA Nyte"Passion"
At the age of 9 I started smoking cigs, by 10 I had drank my first bottle of Boones Farm (I think that was the name) Strawberry Hill Wine and smoked my first joint. I thought the way the weed make me giggle and first feeling of being buzzed by the wine was kind of fun ... (Therein was the problem for me all in one word F U N) I was a kid ... I like to have f u n. So, naturally I added drinking and smoking pot list of fun things to do ... Funny thing about it is ... They became the only things I liked to do (that is unless of course, I found another drug like valium to add to the fun things to do list) Then along comes huffing Bactine from a paper bag. Thank God that just didn't seem like much fun so I didn't do that again. Gave me a headache. Plus it was just too much work for me. I mean you gotta go to the store to buy bactine, get a paper bag, spray it in the bag, huff it out and all you get is red blood shot eyes and a headache NO Thank you.
So I just stuck with my weed and booze and my occasional valium for now until I discovered "whites" "crisscrosses" added them to the list too ... along came Black Beauties I didn't really give a crap about em. I just took them when I was out drinking just because someone gave em to me.
Throw in codeine
I stayed pretty steady using the same drugs until I was introduced to qualudes. I feel immediately in love with them ... They were awesome and became my funniest thing to do while I was drinking.
Lets slam some codeine (ew, freaky - not sure about that one)
Next came my full on barbiturates addiction with Tuinal (a blue n red capsules AKA Rainbows), Seconal (red capsules AKA Reds) , & Nembutal (yellow capsules AKA Yellows) oh, and the non-barbs ... Placidyl (red and green with the nasty tasting overly strong like cinnamon yucky flavor)
One of my favorite things to do was to take reds, yellows, and tuinals break the seal open em up and mix the powders from each of them together put em back together and eat em that way (of course there was always some extra power left over that would be twisted into a piece of paper towel and swallowed with a glass of wine or a shot of tequila)
Lets try shootin' Tuinal
Then along came cocaine & crank honestly I preferred coke, but if someone had a blast of speed for me to do ... I wouldn't turn it down and lets not leave out the bLoTteR & MiRcO dOt AcId
Take some speed add in some coke and slam it ...
One of my other favorite things do to was use coke and take ludes together add alcohol and party hardy.
Gotta try Heroin ... snort it, not for me. Don't like sleeping through my high. Loved the initial affect of it though ... where every muscle in my back and body just relaxed if the high stayed like that I would have been hooked for sure, but too much sleeping for me. I thought of it as a waste of a good high
So here now, I've begun to deal cocaine so not only am I living the life of a druggie, but I'm a dealer on top of it. I had tons of friends and lots of dope. I no longer got regular gifts on holidays or birthday ... I would get presents that were either paraphernalia or dope ... I got to try and test all kinds of different coke because there was always someone wanting me to switch connections cuz they had the "kind" I worked that to my advantage every time.
Lets shoot coke (that became a thing for a while) even moved someone into my home because she would do me. I couldn't and didn't want to do it myself. So I had her live with me and paid her in dope to hit me at my beckon call.
I have heard a lot of people like the ringing in the ears, but not me. I hated it. This one particular night I went into the bathroom and I looked at the chick, extended my arm and said, "I don't want to hear the ringin in my ears" Well she hit me and I remember freezing for a minute then talking like a robot "get me out of the bathroom" I said in a robot like speaking manner. I didn't hear the ringing sound, but I did hear what sounded like two huge bumble bees one on each side of my ears ... buzzing away ... really loud and I went into my living room, squatted down to turn up the stereo to try to drown out the sound and my body jumped from a squatting position to a standing up position on its own. I bent down again and it did it again.
I couldn't breath right ... I went into my bedroom to lay down and I couldn't lay still so I got up and I pulled my curtain back and looked out towards the empty field behind my apartment. My heart was beating so fast and hard you could see my t-shirt moving in front ... short of like my heart was trying to jump out my chest.
I looked towards the field and there was this girl in a long black flowing gown dancing down a path towards me ... singing "I'm coming to see the new comer" I'm coming to see the new comer" (I remember it like it was yesterday, I will never forget how she sung it) then out in front of her to the right there was this man in a long black robe with long sleeves on it and a hood ... I couldn't see his hands because they he had his arms crossed and his hands were tucked into the sleeves. I could barley see his face ... and to his right and left side was a hooded being in a long black gown awaiting for his instruction. They were standing in a way that I couldn't see their faces and the hood covered their profiles ... off in the distance past the girl that was still singing and dancing slowly and flowingly toward me ... there was light and like an fence the went up towards the sky, but never ended. There was a man climbing the fence and he was dressed in jeans and a t shirt ... all he could think about was how do I get out of here. Then I looked back towards the hooded figure and he spoke to me. Not with his mouth, but it was a thought that was transferred from his mind to mine. He said, "come with me my child" I felt a good feeling from him, he seemed nice and I liked that he had addressed me as his child, but something (not a voice that I could audibly hear) but almost like a voice inside of me ... in my heart or soul said, "If you say yes to him, you will die"
Well now, that pissed me off. I thought what a deceptive piece of crap ... pretending to be all nice to me and he really just was there to take my life. I remember saying at that moment "God, If you let me live I promise I will never stick another needle in my arm to use drugs again" I then looked up at the robed and hooded figure and flipped him off .. saying out loud, @%$ YOU, I will NOT come with you. and I closed the curtain and walked away ... back into the front room. (Note: I do NOT by any means consider this to be a hallucination) I saw what I saw and it was real ... I considered it as an omen, or the devil there to receive my soul. NO ONE, NOTHING will every convenience me otherwise.
Where I told myself that I needed to get a hold of myself and calm my breathing down or I was going to die. I had told others in the house to just leave, to get out, take the dope and leave in case I died they wouldn't be there for the cops to take em to jail.
No one listened they just kept going into the bathroom (it was my two roommates and a friend) they just kept shooting up ... I told my other roommate that I felt weird and something was wrong ... she was on her way towards the bathroom and she literally growled at me like a dog and said don't ruin my high.
So I went and sat on the front steps ... I heard voices and saw a pair of brown shoes walk up without someone in them (I realize that to be a hallucination .. it was totally different from what happened earlier) I could recognize it as a hallucination.
I sat out on the porch and fought to breath until who knows when ... I can't tell you what happened after that... I don't know if I went to sleep, passed out or what. I vaguely remember opening my eyes and being on the couch, but I don't know anything else.
I don't remember the next day or how I came out of it all. It is just a blank to me. Something I will never know. A missing piece.
I will say this though ... I kept my promise to God ... I never ever shot up again. However, I continued to use in every other way.
I watched my roommates and friend continue to shoot up ... it made me sick to my stomach. I would literally sit out in the front room just waiting to hear a thud from someone dropping dead in the bathroom ... It was such a sick feeling. I went around and told everyone that slammed about my experience and I begged them all to stop slamming and told them that they didn't want to go where I had been, but no one listened.
Finally one day I happened to see one of my room-mates walking around like a zombie with her arms extended outward ... headed towards the other roomies door ... she just moved her wrist to tap out a knock .. the door opened and she went in and got her fix. This sickened me to no end.
Afterwards, I knocked on the door ... went in ... looked at the (chick I had moved in to shoot us up) and told her that I had to go to work, but by the time I got home I wanted her gone or else I would kill her. I said that I didn't want her shooting up people in my home any more and I wanted her out. She knew I meant it and was gone by the time I got home from work.
I was relieved ... but my other room-mate still hooked up with her and shot up in the van.
There was another person too that would hit her when he came over to score. I ended up telling him that if he showed up at my door anymore I would kill him too. So he quit coming around. I didn't want to see my roommate die at the hands of a needle. Warped as it was .. I didn't care if she snorted, but the needle had to go.
I became protective over my friend and stood up in for her in an area I knew she was too weak to stand up for herself. I know it didn't eliminate her using via the needle completely, but it got it out of my home and out of my face. So it helped me anyway. Then came the smoking it .. I never did like smoking coke .. it made sound become amplified to the point of almost making me nutz so I didn't smoke it, but I cooked it for my roommate and her friends ... I would get paid in dope to cook it ... people would buy dope from me and throw me a half gram or qt to cook it up for them ... I had all the dope an addict could ask for ... and more ...
I snorted and watched others smoke it and watched them when it was all gone .. they would crawl all over the floor looking for crumbs they might have dropped ... it looked like a snake pit of bodies crawling around and over and on each other looking for carpet dope ... made me sick ... I hated it ... I would see them down on the floor for hours and hours ... smoking bread crumbs or anything else that looked like a white rock ... using rum 151 to make the flame to smoke it with and if they ran out of run ... lighter fluid would do, or perfume, or whatever else was flammable ... that drove me nutz too ... I hated the smoking of coke and every thing about it.
I snorted away and began to despise my life and the people in it. My relationships sucked ... they were all druggies and crazy ... either beat on me or shot at me or what the @%$ ever crossed the drug crazed mind. So time marched on I was going down the tubes ... I was using so heavily that I couldn't even do a bump without literally passing out.
Finally I moved and eliminated a lot of people from my life, but I still used and still did barbs n coke, drank like a fish ... then Scotty and I got together. Our story picks up where mine leaves off.(To Read Scotty's Story Google William Scott Simmons)
My relationship started in drug use and ended in me getting clean and him continuing his use .. I was so miserable to the point that I considered suicide was the answer to get away ... I felt I had tried everything and nothing worked .. people, drugs, alcohol had let me down and left me empty ... but something spoke to my heart and said, "Have you tried God yet? Until you've tried God you haven't tried everything" ... I wasn't a believer in God and actually had major issues with "the God thing" but I thought, No I haven't tried God .. so right there in my kitchen I prayed, God, I don't want to drink, I don't want to use drugs .. I don't even want to smoke anymore ... Three days went by and I realized that I hadn't done any of those things nor had I the desire to do them ... and I thought to myself .. there must be something to this God thing ... to my amazement ... three days turned into three weeks, then three months .. to three years ... I had been pulled by the hand of God from the pit - What I had tried to do for myself over the years, but was too weak to do .God did in an instant. A step of faith, a simple prayer coming from a ripe and oh so ready heart and the Lord stepped in and changed my entire life.... I was finally free! I give him all the glory, honor and praise. I cannot thank him enough.
I've lived drugs to the fullest ... I've lived the lifestyle of an addict/dealer ... I've done recovery and walk in it on a daily basis ( I prefer my life drug free )
I hurt those that loved me when I was active in my addiction ... I have done to my mom what some moms here are going through with their daughters/sons ... I have been to my oldest child what some kids here are going through with their addicted parent(s) .... I have been to my friends and family what your addict has been to you and your family ... I have done it all and repeated it over and over again .. I know the lifestyle like the back of my hand ... I could do it blindfolded ... I have found recovery and have had done to me what some of you here are experiencing with your loved one who is addicted ... I have tried anything and everything and retried it till I couldn't try it no more I have tried to save my loved one from himself only to lose me and have to find my way back over and over and over again ... I am not God .. I do not have the power to save anyone, but myself ... I am powerless ... but not paralyzed ... I have walked the path before a lot of you here that are seeking answers as to what the hell is going on and how you can help your addict ... I have been down the road as an addict and have been in recovery ... I can help those of you who are using ... you have to be willing .. you have to want it ... I can save you alot of pain and misery if you will trust us and listen to wisdom and the voice of experience.
Where ever you are at ... what ever your circumstances ... Nothing is impossible with God ... you can become whole if you are willing and want it bad enough ... It doesn't get handed to you on a silver platter, it won't be wrapped in a cute lil package all neat and tidy ... you will be required to give all that you've got and give up all that you know ... it will take willingness, courage, strength ... there is light at the end of tunnel ... If your having a hard time finding the way ... there are people here that can provide you with a flash light and give you directions .. I can guide you the way, but you have to walk the path and do the foot work for yourself.. If you fall down you have to get up and brush yourself off and get back on the path.
I have watched friends die from drugs, I have reached down into the pit and tried to pull a friend or loved one out, I have watched them reach back only to see that the voice of their addiction was calling for a just one more time bump, or shot and that one more time was the last time for them ... I have wept because they were so close to getting out of the pit ... I almost could touch their hand, by all I got was a brushing of skin touching and they slipped away and out of my reach ... I have stood at my friends funeral and looked upon his wife as she grieved over his coffin with ... I have heard the words run through my head ... "I'm not hurting anyone" but he never got to see her grieve him to know that he was hurting her and he hurt his stepson and me and all his other friends and family .. he hurt us big time ... he hurt us one LAST TIME with everlasting pain. An ain't no more chances to change .. can't kiss it and make it better kinda hurt ... Though, his suffering is over ... We will always remember the pain associated with helplessly watching him go down ...trying to reach him and not being able to ...
The addict thinks that their using isn't hurting anyone by using drugs" but if you've ever witnessed a grieving parent or spouse, relative or friend burying a loved one ... You know just how untrue that statement is ... Drugs do hurt more than just the drug user ... but the drug user on the other hand has been over taken by addiction and haven't a clue to the pain their addiction causes those who care about them ... Addiction is selfish and the only care the addict has is how to get the next fix .. Whoa is always the addict ...
I have been on both sides of the coin. I have hurt and been hurt ... Now I am here ... I am reaching out to you ... the addict ... you the one that loves an addict ... please if you reach back ... make sure to grab on and hold on for dear life ... don't look back down into the pit ... look up and trust that this is the only way out ... don't let go ... cover your ears and don't listen to the voices of just one more time or just one more chance ... You are here now ... you are alive now ... your addict is alive now ... one more chance might mean his/her life ... one more time might take your life ... take my hand now and don't let go.
I know where peace is, I know where joy is ... I know where freedom is ... follow me ... I can lead you there ... care to walk with me?
I am here for a reason ... the reason is YOU!
Sher AKA Nyte"Passion"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by nytepassion 
... I am reaching out to you ... the addict ... you the one that loves an addict ... please if you reach back ... make sure to grab on and hold on for dear life ... don't look back down into the pit ... look up and trust that this is the only way out ... don't let go ... cover your ears and don't listen to the voices of just one more time or just one more chance ... You are here now ... you are alive now ... your addict is alive now ... one more chance might mean his/her life ... one more time might take your life ... take my hand now and don't let go...
I believe in letting go. It's not my job to get the addict out of the pit of his own making. And holding on and giving one more chance is far, FAR, FAR more likely to destroy my life and the lives of the normal people I am responsible for and to than it is to help the addict. Grabbing on and holding on for dear life to an addict is detrimental to the addict, and more importantly it's detrimental to the loved one. It's detrimental to everyone.
It's not my job to sacrifice my life to 'save' someone who does not want to be saved or is not ready to be saved or who is not willing to save himself or who is fighting me not to be saved. My life has as much value as any addict's, and it is wrong and self-serving of any addict to tell me that I should hang on at all costs and risk being dragged down into his/her pit of addiction.
There are organizations much better qualified to help addicts than any family member or friend--and even they do not hold on for dear life: Salvation Army, rehabs, etc... let go and wait for the addict to come to them and voluntarily hold on to them--not the other way around. The lives of the non-addicted should not be made yet more miserable than they already are by the addict's expectation that friends and family ought to be holding on for dear life and suffering yet more.
I'm sorry if it hurts any addict's feelings that their non-addicted friends and loved ones might choose to let go and move on with happy productive lives without them; but that's the cost choosing not to fight your addiction. You might be 'let go' and left behind.
In truth the most loving thing the families of addicts can do for the addict and for themselves is to let go and move on with their own lives.
JMHO.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by SadHeart
i'm sorry but I think this is bad advice.
I believe in letting go. It's not my job to get the addict out of the pit of his own making. And holding on and giving one more chance is far, FAR, FAR more likely to destroy my life and the lives of the normal people I am responsible for and to than it is to help the addict. Grabbing on and holding on for dear life to an addict is detrimental to the addict, and more importantly it's detrimental to the loved one. It's detrimental to everyone.
It's not my job to sacrifice my life to 'save' someone who does not want to be saved or is not ready to be saved or who is not willing to save himself or who is fighting me not to be saved. My life has as much value as any addict's, and it is wrong and self-serving of any addict to tell me that I should hang on at all costs and risk being dragged down into his/her pit of addiction.
There are organizations much better qualified to help addicts than any family member or friend--and even they do not hold on for dear life: Salvation Army, rehabs, etc... let go and wait for the addict to come to them and voluntarily hold on to them--not the other way around. The lives of the non-addicted should not be made yet more miserable than they already are by the addict's expectation that friends and family ought to be holding on for dear life and suffering yet more.
I'm sorry if it hurts any addict's feelings that their non-addicted friends and loved ones might choose to let go and move on with happy productive lives without them; but that's the cost choosing not to fight your addiction. You might be 'let go' and left behind.
In truth the most loving thing the families of addicts can do for the addict and for themselves is to let go and move on with their own lives.
JMHO.
I believe in letting go. It's not my job to get the addict out of the pit of his own making. And holding on and giving one more chance is far, FAR, FAR more likely to destroy my life and the lives of the normal people I am responsible for and to than it is to help the addict. Grabbing on and holding on for dear life to an addict is detrimental to the addict, and more importantly it's detrimental to the loved one. It's detrimental to everyone.
It's not my job to sacrifice my life to 'save' someone who does not want to be saved or is not ready to be saved or who is not willing to save himself or who is fighting me not to be saved. My life has as much value as any addict's, and it is wrong and self-serving of any addict to tell me that I should hang on at all costs and risk being dragged down into his/her pit of addiction.
There are organizations much better qualified to help addicts than any family member or friend--and even they do not hold on for dear life: Salvation Army, rehabs, etc... let go and wait for the addict to come to them and voluntarily hold on to them--not the other way around. The lives of the non-addicted should not be made yet more miserable than they already are by the addict's expectation that friends and family ought to be holding on for dear life and suffering yet more.
I'm sorry if it hurts any addict's feelings that their non-addicted friends and loved ones might choose to let go and move on with happy productive lives without them; but that's the cost choosing not to fight your addiction. You might be 'let go' and left behind.
In truth the most loving thing the families of addicts can do for the addict and for themselves is to let go and move on with their own lives.
JMHO.
I don't recommend anyone hold onto their addicted loved ones. There is no life in and that is not they way they will get clean. I'm sure if you read more of my writings you will get me.
The reason I come here is to help those with addicted loved ones and those that are caught in the web of enabling & codependency learn from someone who has been on both sides of the coin. I am all for letting go and letting God. It is either let go or be dragged.
Passion
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
one more chance might mean his/her life ... one more time might take your life ... take my hand now and don't let go.
You really really touched my heart with this post. I have known you a long time and you rarely share as openly as this, and I am so grateful you shared today.
You helped me understand, you helped me replace anger with compassion, and most of all you helped me remember to be grateful for the hand of recover...all we have to do is reach out.
Hugs and Hugs
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I read about Scotty on your site. He tried but he could never really beat it. And all the other senseless deaths too. How sad!
I appreciate you sharing your story. Thank God, for your recovery.
I am left wondering why some people can beat an addiction and some can't??????
I appreciate you sharing your story. Thank God, for your recovery.
I am left wondering why some people can beat an addiction and some can't??????
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
I appreciate you sharing your story. Thank God, for your recovery.
I am left wondering why some people can beat an addiction and some can't??????
I am left wondering why some people can beat an addiction and some can't??????
If he had been able to make that connection I doubt he would have lost his life. To this day it breaks my heart that he lost his life to drugs. You know he really was a good guy. He had a drug and alcohol addiction and ultimately it stripped him of everything right down to his life.
There was nothing I could say or do that could reach him. So I had to abandon ship and let go to save myself and the kids.
I know that I am one of the lucky ones to have made it out of drugs. I don't know why all don't.
All I know is as long as there is breath - there is hope and I will give it my best shot to reach even just one person.
Hugs,
Passion
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Thanks Passion for sharing this and I totally got that the reaching out is for the hand of recovery - no matter which side of the fence you are on. Addiction kills - no matter what side of it you are on.
You captured the chaos of active addiction and the thinking (or lack thereof) that accompanies that. Your spiritual experience is profound. I agree with you - you can tell that it wasn't a hallucination. I had an experience about 12 years ago that I know was real too so I know what you mean.
It's interesting, in my work at the hospital I've spoken with a number of people that had the spiritual removal of desire for drugs....long time users that had the obsession lifted. I have realized that God is the only way that my obsessions will be lifted.
Thank you for your testimony for recovery......
You captured the chaos of active addiction and the thinking (or lack thereof) that accompanies that. Your spiritual experience is profound. I agree with you - you can tell that it wasn't a hallucination. I had an experience about 12 years ago that I know was real too so I know what you mean.
It's interesting, in my work at the hospital I've spoken with a number of people that had the spiritual removal of desire for drugs....long time users that had the obsession lifted. I have realized that God is the only way that my obsessions will be lifted.
Thank you for your testimony for recovery......
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by Ann
I got that, Passion, I understood that whatever side of addiction we are on, we can reach out for the hand of recovery, yes?
Hugs hugs and more hugs
Passion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
passion that is just an amazing and insightful story of your past. thank you for sharing. i am very happy that you found your way out and want to share with others who may be needing some support that there is light at the end of the tunnel. i am not a believer in God, but a believer in spirituality, but as far as I'm concerned it really doesn't matter what you believe in, as long as its something positive and gives you something to believe in.
thanks again for sharing. I'm sure your children are very proud of you and your recovery.
thanks again for sharing. I'm sure your children are very proud of you and your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Thank you for sharing. Your story helped to emphasize that I am not the answer (nor the cause) of my son's addiction. He is on his journey and there is no telling what will occur in his life to cause his spiritual awakening.
We (his family) love him but we can't bear to watch the buildup to this event......the desire to "help" him before it occurs is too great......and only prevents it from happening.
I pray that he knows that we love him.....and I pray that he doesn't become a casualty of this disease. I pray that he understands that we are here when/if he chooses recovery. There is a beautiful light that shines in him but it has been extinguished by meth and heroin. I do believe that there is a purpose and a time for everything........but I don't always get to know what that is. He is in God's hands.
Your story gave me hope. And I think that ultimately, for the friends and family of addicts, that was your intended message. I got it.
Thank you.
gentle hugs
ke
We (his family) love him but we can't bear to watch the buildup to this event......the desire to "help" him before it occurs is too great......and only prevents it from happening.
I pray that he knows that we love him.....and I pray that he doesn't become a casualty of this disease. I pray that he understands that we are here when/if he chooses recovery. There is a beautiful light that shines in him but it has been extinguished by meth and heroin. I do believe that there is a purpose and a time for everything........but I don't always get to know what that is. He is in God's hands.
Your story gave me hope. And I think that ultimately, for the friends and family of addicts, that was your intended message. I got it.
Thank you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Mayflower, AR
Posts: 416
Thank you. Your story (and Scotty's) touched me deeply. I have a daughter who is a meth addict. I have spent the last week tormenting myself over thinking she is using again. Reading your story I realized I KNOW she is using again, the signs are all there. I have ignored them; I didn't want to see them.
As for signs, when you wrote of your experience that night looking out your back window I could actually see what you saw. You received a powerful one and I believe I received one today. I found this site to deal with my own alcohol and marijuana addictions. This was the first time I came to the friends and family forum and your's was the first thread I have read here. I have always believed everything happens for a reason and there was a reason I opened that thread.
I felt your hand reaching through the pain; I totally understood what you were saying when you wrote that. Feel mine reaching back in thanks and understanding.
As for signs, when you wrote of your experience that night looking out your back window I could actually see what you saw. You received a powerful one and I believe I received one today. I found this site to deal with my own alcohol and marijuana addictions. This was the first time I came to the friends and family forum and your's was the first thread I have read here. I have always believed everything happens for a reason and there was a reason I opened that thread.
I felt your hand reaching through the pain; I totally understood what you were saying when you wrote that. Feel mine reaching back in thanks and understanding.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by ladybug77
Thank you. Your story (and Scotty's) touched me deeply. I have a daughter who is a meth addict. I have spent the last week tormenting myself over thinking she is using again. Reading your story I realized I KNOW she is using again, the signs are all there. I have ignored them; I didn't want to see them.
As for signs, when you wrote of your experience that night looking out your back window I could actually see what you saw. You received a powerful one and I believe I received one today. I found this site to deal with my own alcohol and marijuana addictions. This was the first time I came to the friends and family forum and your's was the first thread I have read here. I have always believed everything happens for a reason and there was a reason I opened that thread.
I felt your hand reaching through the pain; I totally understood what you were saying when you wrote that. Feel mine reaching back in thanks and understanding.
As for signs, when you wrote of your experience that night looking out your back window I could actually see what you saw. You received a powerful one and I believe I received one today. I found this site to deal with my own alcohol and marijuana addictions. This was the first time I came to the friends and family forum and your's was the first thread I have read here. I have always believed everything happens for a reason and there was a reason I opened that thread.
I felt your hand reaching through the pain; I totally understood what you were saying when you wrote that. Feel mine reaching back in thanks and understanding.
Grab on and hold on tight. There is freedom in recovery. Embrace it. The path can be hard but the rewards are so sweet. Totally worth it!
I am here for you cheering you on. Feel free to message me privately if you ever want to talk. You are in great hands on SR and you will find support for your journey. We are family here and the love flows forth. Welcome home
Passion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I write it all out the same way, flippant and so totally wrapped up in how I just was and how I felt in each moment. I also would add in that there would be this arrogance, this bullet proof, this stomping of my feet as my life and whispered begging of please leave me be, let me go so I can ...It was in that true sense of being let go that saved me, make me look at what I had become... but then my story takes me through ages 12 to 18, so the mentality makes total sense. When I starting drinking again in my 40's, mixing in them pills, the tone is so different, and it makes so much sense, it almost scares me that it all finally became clear.
This was a trigger, it is them memories that serve a purpose to remember because I need the reminder of the truth ... the unpredictability, the insanity, that using can bring.
I have known your story for years, and scotty's, different places different times, you words were always refreshing to read, and at one time a smack in the face that I SO NEEDED!
Thank you for sharing again.
(HUGS)
This was a trigger, it is them memories that serve a purpose to remember because I need the reminder of the truth ... the unpredictability, the insanity, that using can bring.
I have known your story for years, and scotty's, different places different times, you words were always refreshing to read, and at one time a smack in the face that I SO NEEDED!
Thank you for sharing again.
(HUGS)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Thank you...struggling with serial addicts in my life and have been trying to figure out a "next step"...in early recovery things were easier, but the depths get confusing and I have hit a place where I am blaming myself and that does no good at all.
I am angry/confused/frustrated as I am now aware of what alcohol/drugs have done through 4 generations of my family...and seem to be the only one who cares or wants to get better.
I am here to get better and to not get drug down any further...letting go...and loving...but need to love myself and that is the hardest thing.
I am angry/confused/frustrated as I am now aware of what alcohol/drugs have done through 4 generations of my family...and seem to be the only one who cares or wants to get better.
I am here to get better and to not get drug down any further...letting go...and loving...but need to love myself and that is the hardest thing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Hauppauge, NY
Posts: 62
Thank you
Thank you so much for sharing this. I come on this site once in a while and, as you know, there are no coincidences...I happened upon your post. My daughter (20) is a heroin addict. She is struggling on finding her way. My greatest hope is that she falls on her knees as you have done and ask Our Father to free her from this horrible disease. Thank you so much for your honest, heart felt story. As long as there is breath there is hope. Much love and prayers, Elissa
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