Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!! This nightmare is not ending!!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!! This nightmare is not ending!!
AH called tonight and I consented to talk to him. He was talking about how he is 20 days sober, loves me, is so sorry, is starting to love himself, goes to a NA everyday. I told him i was still leaving him and that he should stay where he is for awhile. He cried and told me how he is dealing with his issues. I felt we were coming to some understanding. He tells me he needs some money to pay the bills. I told him that he could send me a list of stuff that needs to be paid and I would prioritize. He almost has me agreeing that I wont file divorce at this time and we can just see how things go with us apart and if his recovery sticks maybe pursue marriage counseling. I said but you have a job there and should stay awhile. Then he tells me...
He has no job!!!! WHAT???? He has been lying to me and he never started this job two weeks ago. So is just sitting out there in a city away from his family hanging at unemployment office and NA meetings? He said he lied to me so I wouldnt be stressed out by him not having a job. yes this is better (sarcasm). I thought at least I would have some child support from him. He said he took interview classes. He used to ace interviews right and left. He always worked. Who the hell is this person? I literally am at a point where I can't take anymore. Thank God, thank you God, that I listened to people who were not blinded by FOG and I took a lease on a house here and kept my job. In a way it is a weird relief because now I don't have to wonder if I threw away a life out there. I would have gotten out there with no job or a new job just starting, an unemployed husband and a house I couldn't afford.
Who is he? My life is a nightmare, a reoccurring nightmare with no end in site.
Oh yea I forgot, he said two weeks ago he was so low that he thought about blowing his brains out because i wasn't talking to him and he felt so bad about all he had done. I didn't even play into that, i said well that probably would have been a bad idea for you. Argh!
On a positive not I told the kids we were not going to live with Daddy and I had a house for them, but they would be in a new school district and the girls would be sharing a room. They didnt care about the things i thought would upset them. They all looked kind of relieved, like they were scared too and now knew things would be ok and that I had life under control. I think kids know more than they let on. I guess I'm really going to find out what I am made of, hopefully tough stuff.
He has no job!!!! WHAT???? He has been lying to me and he never started this job two weeks ago. So is just sitting out there in a city away from his family hanging at unemployment office and NA meetings? He said he lied to me so I wouldnt be stressed out by him not having a job. yes this is better (sarcasm). I thought at least I would have some child support from him. He said he took interview classes. He used to ace interviews right and left. He always worked. Who the hell is this person? I literally am at a point where I can't take anymore. Thank God, thank you God, that I listened to people who were not blinded by FOG and I took a lease on a house here and kept my job. In a way it is a weird relief because now I don't have to wonder if I threw away a life out there. I would have gotten out there with no job or a new job just starting, an unemployed husband and a house I couldn't afford.
Who is he? My life is a nightmare, a reoccurring nightmare with no end in site.
Oh yea I forgot, he said two weeks ago he was so low that he thought about blowing his brains out because i wasn't talking to him and he felt so bad about all he had done. I didn't even play into that, i said well that probably would have been a bad idea for you. Argh!On a positive not I told the kids we were not going to live with Daddy and I had a house for them, but they would be in a new school district and the girls would be sharing a room. They didnt care about the things i thought would upset them. They all looked kind of relieved, like they were scared too and now knew things would be ok and that I had life under control. I think kids know more than they let on. I guess I'm really going to find out what I am made of, hopefully tough stuff.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
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Give yourself a lot of credit for removing you and your children away from your AH. That shows your strength both as a mother and human being fighting for survival.
Like all things in life... that nightmare shall pass.
Like all things in life... that nightmare shall pass.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
good for you erica. a tough day but with a good ending for you. you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. and don't be too tough on yourself, but listen to what your inner voice is screaming (and i bet it was screaming at the point where he almost has you convinced that life is going to be rosy again and there is a happy ending in site). you had a win today. a win for you and your kids.
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Location: Alabama
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(((((((((((((Erica))))))))))))) My kids are grown now 2 of which are active users and AH is now hinting he wants to come home he is not working any program your an inspiration I agree the nightmare never seems to end. I suppose we have too end it ourselves.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Thank you to all. It means so much to have somewhere to go that I can talk about stuff with people who not only understand but see the situation for what it is. My AH was a functioning addict before he left here 3 months ago and since then it has been a mountain of BS.
And yes, he almost had me convinced, sobbing and making recovery speak. He loves me and I am the strongest, smartest, most beautiful, most wonderful woman in the entire world who he doesn't deserve and he never appreciated what he had with the kids. I felt sorry for him so broken but I still repeated a lot of the abuse he has said to me. I wonder if he will be so nice when his money runs out cause he ain't getting no mo'! I told him I have a divorce lawyer, and he said go get the money back from her and deposit it in the account so he can pay bills.
. Yeaaaaaa..... Nope! I said nope my dad gave me that money so I could divorce you and it will stay there. I'm thinking that this is a good and bad time because he doesn't have a leg to stand on right now. But he doesn't have any income to garnish either.
What really makes me mad is he lied about being employed then blamed me stating I had said I didnt want anymore bad news. He was perfectly content to sit out there waiting for us to move to our doom. Waiting me to come take care of him.
I don't know why I am surprised. I've watched my meth addicted sister pull every trick in the book on the family but especially my parents for 20 years. Oddly AH was always the tough one who didn't feed into her bull and now he is doing the same stuff.
And yes, he almost had me convinced, sobbing and making recovery speak. He loves me and I am the strongest, smartest, most beautiful, most wonderful woman in the entire world who he doesn't deserve and he never appreciated what he had with the kids. I felt sorry for him so broken but I still repeated a lot of the abuse he has said to me. I wonder if he will be so nice when his money runs out cause he ain't getting no mo'! I told him I have a divorce lawyer, and he said go get the money back from her and deposit it in the account so he can pay bills.
. Yeaaaaaa..... Nope! I said nope my dad gave me that money so I could divorce you and it will stay there. I'm thinking that this is a good and bad time because he doesn't have a leg to stand on right now. But he doesn't have any income to garnish either.What really makes me mad is he lied about being employed then blamed me stating I had said I didnt want anymore bad news. He was perfectly content to sit out there waiting for us to move to our doom. Waiting me to come take care of him.
I don't know why I am surprised. I've watched my meth addicted sister pull every trick in the book on the family but especially my parents for 20 years. Oddly AH was always the tough one who didn't feed into her bull and now he is doing the same stuff.
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FindingErica:
I agree with others, who commend you for your strength and commitment to staying focused on what's best for your kids and you!
Too bad we humans don't have a switch that we can use to turn off memories, mixed emotions, and pain. It certainly would help to be able to bypass those in the midst of difficult transitions.
You sound like a wonderful and very smart lady and mother. Hang in there. I'm hoping as time passes, things will settle and you'll find peace.
Take care.
I agree with others, who commend you for your strength and commitment to staying focused on what's best for your kids and you!
Too bad we humans don't have a switch that we can use to turn off memories, mixed emotions, and pain. It certainly would help to be able to bypass those in the midst of difficult transitions.
You sound like a wonderful and very smart lady and mother. Hang in there. I'm hoping as time passes, things will settle and you'll find peace.
Take care.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think kids know more than they let on. I guess I'm really going to find out what I am made of, hopefully tough stuff.
You will be okay, you will survive and thrive, just trust life and let yourself be led.
May your tomorrows be filled with sunshine.
Hugs
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Yeah, life seems like a nightmare right now. (I kept asking "please God let me wake up from this nightmare." But I can feel your strength and love the humor too). This experience will help you become an empowered, stronger woman and mother.
God has a plan...follow it!!
There is a great stickie about how to tell if your addict is sincere about recovery. I was so happy I read that. My husband game got "sloppy" as and I got smarter. He was still trying to BS me but I wasn't so easy any more and he knew it. Then he was alone and had to face his demons.
My husband was high functioning, very loving and I was clueless about addiction and stuck in denial. As his addiction progressed "I started asking the same questions.."who is this man?" Oh, how I despised him!!!
Had my husband been verbally abusive too, I would be in jail! (kidding
)
God has a plan...follow it!!
There is a great stickie about how to tell if your addict is sincere about recovery. I was so happy I read that. My husband game got "sloppy" as and I got smarter. He was still trying to BS me but I wasn't so easy any more and he knew it. Then he was alone and had to face his demons.
My husband was high functioning, very loving and I was clueless about addiction and stuck in denial. As his addiction progressed "I started asking the same questions.."who is this man?" Oh, how I despised him!!!
Had my husband been verbally abusive too, I would be in jail! (kidding
)
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
just be aware of this...
for me, the "easy" game of tears & remorse...led the way to sneering blame and accusations once my ex understood that the tears weren't paving the way.
of course with some support and clarity the game doesn't work. BUT it does still hurt and wound (not to the extent it used to but it still wounds on a subtle/insidious level) so that is why no contact becomes the best defense.
of course with divorce proceedings moving forward there will be some contact necessary but keep turning toward more and more limitation. he's going to be discovering his tears didn't do the trick and the big guns are going to come out.
I don't even know or care if it is intentional...its like an addicts turrets or aspbergers. all I know is we don't need to suffer the abuse once we have recognized it!
for me, the "easy" game of tears & remorse...led the way to sneering blame and accusations once my ex understood that the tears weren't paving the way.
of course with some support and clarity the game doesn't work. BUT it does still hurt and wound (not to the extent it used to but it still wounds on a subtle/insidious level) so that is why no contact becomes the best defense.
of course with divorce proceedings moving forward there will be some contact necessary but keep turning toward more and more limitation. he's going to be discovering his tears didn't do the trick and the big guns are going to come out.
I don't even know or care if it is intentional...its like an addicts turrets or aspbergers. all I know is we don't need to suffer the abuse once we have recognized it!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
Have you given serious consideration to not taking his calls?
What possible good can come from this nonsense?
What possible good can come from this nonsense?
I told him to stop digging for the quick fix to over two years of active addiction. I told him my decisions are fueled by my kids needs for care, safety and shelter. I really can't even begin to trust him until I see a long term recovery and when he sticks with it past the honeymoon phase with NA.
Addicts, always looking for the quick fix to their problems
. Guess its time to stop talking to him again because the fear/anger will be next. On a more positive note, I can't believe how much I am starting to feel like myself. The headstrong, independent person I have suppressed. Feels good!
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Originally Posted by lesliej
just be aware of this...
for me, the "easy" game of tears & remorse...led the way to sneering blame and accusations once my ex understood that the tears weren't paving the way.
for me, the "easy" game of tears & remorse...led the way to sneering blame and accusations once my ex understood that the tears weren't paving the way.
I've been on the receiving end of his blame game and it wasn't pretty. He goes for my mental/emotional jugular. I'll pass
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He's already escalating to anger in his texts so I told him no more contact. He now is blaming me, this is my fault for not standing by my man and our marriage vows. He has a disease with no cure... Blah blah. And I'm lazy for not finding a new job in the new state and moving out there.
I told him he is entitled to his feelings and I am done talking.
Is there some Addiction for Dummies rule book out there they all follow? It's like everyone here with an A spouse knows what will definitively come next. I have to make a decision to get out of this house I think.
I told him he is entitled to his feelings and I am done talking.
Is there some Addiction for Dummies rule book out there they all follow? It's like everyone here with an A spouse knows what will definitively come next. I have to make a decision to get out of this house I think.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I have to make a decision to get out of this house I think.
Your program is working!!! Stick to those boundaries.
You are making my heart smile!
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Mi
Posts: 20
Good for ou! I'm also dealing with the nightmare of an AH (soon to be ex, 5 more months). It isn't easy but be so so proud of yourself for doing what's right for your kids, and even what's right for AH (maybe this will help get him to rock bottom faster). I am thankful that my little boy is to young to have a clue (10 months). But your kids will thank you one day, for saving them from the hell that comes with addiction. Goos luck, stay strong! You can get through anything with God
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by FindingErica
I don't know why I am surprised. I've watched my meth addicted sister pull every trick in the book on the family but especially my parents for 20 years. Oddly AH was always the tough one who didn't feed into her bull and now he is doing the same stuff.
In the future when he tries to FOG you, just say, "You sound just like Sis." Repeat as needed.
Focus on your children's relief, not on his misery. You did really well and the dawn is coming. Many hugs to you.
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