amaslow

My 84 year old sainted mother unknowingly pours salt in my wounds!! Everytime something comes about either one of my messed up kids, the words out of her mouth are, :" It's a shame." It's a shame that it is costing me this money for my daughter, it's a shame that she stoled from us, it's a shame that my son was in prison,... It's a shame this .. It;s a shame that..

How is this helpful!!! Yes, it is a shame, but I choose to dwell on solutions, if there are any, not the problem, as much as I possibly can..I can have some pretty good pity partie by myself and let me tell you, they are not fun .... I am the one most effected by my kids.. I get the pain of it and the effect it has had on my life!!! Shame is one thing I don't need anymore of!! It seems so hopeless...I choose not to be hopeless!! I choose to think that good things can come from bad things!! I choose to think that we are all not necessarily entitled to a perfect life and when we don't have it, we have to roll with it.

It's hard to know what to say to an 84 year old without sounding harsh, but I wish she would can it!!

Thanks for letting me vent!

Ann

I try to be forgiving of anyone over 80, it's hard for them to relate to our lives today. Perhaps "it's a shame" is her way of saying "I'm sorry" and trying to be comforting to you.

Maybe just say to her, "Mama, I can't change what was and I just pray for better tomorrows." That sort of wraps up the topic and you can move on to more positive things.

Just my thoughts, my own mother lived to 90 and my father-in-law is 94...and I let them say anything they want, they've earned the privilege and I don't have to take it to heart, lol.

Hugs

laurie6781

I guess I learned a lot by my volunteer visiting those in nursing homes that no longer got visits for whatever reason.

Their life stories were always fascinating, however, I could finally hear how different the attitudes were when they were growing up. It helped me a lot in finally understanding they really are from a different era.

I like Ann's suggestion on how to change the subject,

J M H O

Love and hugs,

SadHeart

I feel your pain. My 69-year old mother, when talking about my 22-year old addicted son, always says, "It's a tragedy".

I'm not sure why it grates on me so badly; I think in her/our case it's because she so desperately wants to excuse my son, she calls it a 'tragedy' and holds him not one ounce responsible for all the misery he's causing for himself and everyone around him. It's not a tornado that dropped out of the sky and destroyed our home and family (a tragedy); it's a choice he makes every single day when he chooses to use (a tragedy of his making).

I think also it upsets me so much also because it makes me more anxious about him. It's a form of catastrophizing, a blowing up of a something that is a problem into a huge overwhelming disaster at a time when I'm trying to reduce it to his problem that is only occuring on his side of the street.

It's probably her way of dealing with her own helplessness and pain over it. That and coming up with blatantly codependent and rather sneaky schemes she thinks will fix the problem.

Whatever the reason, it's very anxiety provoking and irritating to me.

Nothing can be done about it, since it's my problem not hers. I don't talk to her about it, and keep her way out of the information loop. And when that doesn't work and she goes into hand wringing, "it's a tragedy", I just ignore it and change the subject.

I think it's just different ways of coping and how hard it is sometimes to mesh our coping mechanisms with other people's coping mechanisms.