what he was thinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
what he was thinking
Ive read and re-read all the posts, gone to al-anon, and sought professional help. it is a very difficult situation to explain to anyone who hasnt been there.
My boyfriend died by suicide a year ago. His drugs of choice were benzos and opiates, he'd supplement it with cocaine and crack. I've never done drugs and barely drink, it's fully ingrained in me to be anti-drug.
The lingering question is 'why?' Rationally I know the reasons. I was hoping some of you dealing with addiction can help me understand what he was thinking. It's so hard to decipher what was real and what was his addiction.
We had been together for over a year, he was very honest about his use. Six weeks before he died he was laid off from his job and was spiraling downward. He asked for help, co-workers and I found aoda counselors and a treatment program for him to go to while laid off. He was all for it, he was sincere in his efforts. Then something snapped, he broke up with me and started hanging around with an old girlfriend he was into drugs with. When he died I knew from experience that he wasn't sober, and the tox report proved it. What a mess. it feels so harsh to say -but this was bound to happen-it was like a slow moving trainwreck.
My question to all of you is - did I make it worse? I didn't enable his drug use-but I'm wondering if I pushed him too hard, that if I wouldn't of been so terrified of him dying I wouldnt have nagged him. What does it feels like (as a person with addiction) when people you love plead with you to get help, and tell you that it can get better?
My boyfriend died by suicide a year ago. His drugs of choice were benzos and opiates, he'd supplement it with cocaine and crack. I've never done drugs and barely drink, it's fully ingrained in me to be anti-drug.
The lingering question is 'why?' Rationally I know the reasons. I was hoping some of you dealing with addiction can help me understand what he was thinking. It's so hard to decipher what was real and what was his addiction.
We had been together for over a year, he was very honest about his use. Six weeks before he died he was laid off from his job and was spiraling downward. He asked for help, co-workers and I found aoda counselors and a treatment program for him to go to while laid off. He was all for it, he was sincere in his efforts. Then something snapped, he broke up with me and started hanging around with an old girlfriend he was into drugs with. When he died I knew from experience that he wasn't sober, and the tox report proved it. What a mess. it feels so harsh to say -but this was bound to happen-it was like a slow moving trainwreck.
My question to all of you is - did I make it worse? I didn't enable his drug use-but I'm wondering if I pushed him too hard, that if I wouldn't of been so terrified of him dying I wouldnt have nagged him. What does it feels like (as a person with addiction) when people you love plead with you to get help, and tell you that it can get better?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
bertie
Welcome to SR.......
None of us here can really explain what might have been going on in his head. But one thing is quite certain.....you weren't responsible for his drug use or his death.
When I was grieving for my father (he died piloting a small aircraft), I wanted to know WHY and WHAT HAPPENED. Was it mechanical failure? Was it pilot error? Was it a medical event? The NTSB never came up with a good conclusion and the coroner didn't have an explanation. We were left with no answers. It took a while but I finally concluded that we don't always get to understand the reasons why something happened. We just have to accept that it did. Acceptance that it happened and I would never know what happened in that cockpit to cause the crash. Just......acceptance.
I am so very sorry for your loss. He was lucky to have many people who loved him....you being one of them.
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to SR.......
None of us here can really explain what might have been going on in his head. But one thing is quite certain.....you weren't responsible for his drug use or his death.
When I was grieving for my father (he died piloting a small aircraft), I wanted to know WHY and WHAT HAPPENED. Was it mechanical failure? Was it pilot error? Was it a medical event? The NTSB never came up with a good conclusion and the coroner didn't have an explanation. We were left with no answers. It took a while but I finally concluded that we don't always get to understand the reasons why something happened. We just have to accept that it did. Acceptance that it happened and I would never know what happened in that cockpit to cause the crash. Just......acceptance.
I am so very sorry for your loss. He was lucky to have many people who loved him....you being one of them.
gentle hugs
ke
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
I'm sorry for your loss, but please believe me when I tell you it wasn't your fault. I am a recovering addict and I can tell you that when people that loved me pleaded with me to get clean it was irritating. I would sometimes just let them talk to get it out, but I wasn't listening. I couldn't wait until they shut-up already or to cut it short I would just get mad at them and walk out.
You did nothing to cause him to take his own life. His mind was hijacked by addiction.
Be gentle and kind to yourself.
Hugs,
Passion
You did nothing to cause him to take his own life. His mind was hijacked by addiction.
Be gentle and kind to yourself.
Hugs,
Passion
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Bertie...
Honey...I don't know what he was thinking. What I do know, what I do understand, is addicts, when in the throes of active addiction, simply aren't thinking rationally. They're not thinking about the consequences of their actions. They're simply doing whatever they're doing, one terrible moment at a time. Some addicts find recovery, embrace it, and go on to live lives they probably didn't think they were capable of when they were using. You'll find some of them here on this board, sharing their wisdom and sharing their love with people like you and I.
What happened to your boyfriend is not your fault. It...it just is. And now, you have to start healing. You have to start taking care of you. Coming here is a really, really good start. Perhaps returning to Al Anon is another good idea. Lastly...grief runs on its own schedule. You will grieve as long as you need to. If you need additional support, I would also recommend counseling so you can work through your emotions and feelings.
I am sorry for your loss. But I'm glad you found us, and both you and your boyfriend will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
ZoSo
Honey...I don't know what he was thinking. What I do know, what I do understand, is addicts, when in the throes of active addiction, simply aren't thinking rationally. They're not thinking about the consequences of their actions. They're simply doing whatever they're doing, one terrible moment at a time. Some addicts find recovery, embrace it, and go on to live lives they probably didn't think they were capable of when they were using. You'll find some of them here on this board, sharing their wisdom and sharing their love with people like you and I.
What happened to your boyfriend is not your fault. It...it just is. And now, you have to start healing. You have to start taking care of you. Coming here is a really, really good start. Perhaps returning to Al Anon is another good idea. Lastly...grief runs on its own schedule. You will grieve as long as you need to. If you need additional support, I would also recommend counseling so you can work through your emotions and feelings.
I am sorry for your loss. But I'm glad you found us, and both you and your boyfriend will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
ZoSo
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Bertie))) - I understand wanting to know the answers to your questions but there are times we just are not going to get those answers. I'm an RA, I actually attempted suicide a few times and I can tell you, I was NOT in my right mind. Addiction was totally in control.
I got into recovery, left behind my bf who wanted to continue smoking crack. Though it probably wouldn't be called suicide, he died a few years later because smoking that crack pipe was more important than going to a dr. for what turned out to be pneumonia.
I had gone NC with him. I was said that he died, but I know...without a doubt, that there was nothing else I could have done. I knew addiction inside and out, and there was still...nothing I could of have done. He didn't want my help, my ES&H, and I was not going to enable him.
Big hugs and prayers, I know this is hard.
Amy
I got into recovery, left behind my bf who wanted to continue smoking crack. Though it probably wouldn't be called suicide, he died a few years later because smoking that crack pipe was more important than going to a dr. for what turned out to be pneumonia.
I had gone NC with him. I was said that he died, but I know...without a doubt, that there was nothing else I could have done. I knew addiction inside and out, and there was still...nothing I could of have done. He didn't want my help, my ES&H, and I was not going to enable him.
Big hugs and prayers, I know this is hard.
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
Thank you all. Reading the experiences of people with addiction-active or recovered- helps so much. It quiets the 'whys' and 'what ifs'. It puts it into words that sound so familiar, it's as if he's here explaining it to me one more time. I know that if he could take it back, he would.
...And again- from your experiences -what does it feel like (as a person with addiction) when people you love plead with you to get help, and tell you that it can get better?
...And again- from your experiences -what does it feel like (as a person with addiction) when people you love plead with you to get help, and tell you that it can get better?
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
From what I have observed with my addict daughter and from reading other message boards, addicts in active addiction have the sense that they have "more" time than what is realistically there.
Just one more day, just one more run.....sooner or later a miracle is going to happen.....there is a pot of gold just around the corner. Whether it be money, opportunity or drugs.
Your boyfriend may have broken up with you and went with the old girlfriend to really go on a bender before going into treatment.
I have read where addicts used right up to the front door of the treatment center.
It's not until they have some clean time and common sense and treatment start to sink in that they realize just how messed up their thinking was.
Even recovering, there are "triggers" of people, places and things that is that little voice in their head that starts to tell them they can controll their use and just use "a little bit" and that is where the wheels of relapse start.
I have read that relapse is actually in the works for quite some time prior to actual use.
I have seen this and have actually predicted it when reading other people's posts on other boards.
That is usually when the ones with some substantial clean time will jump in and tell them to get their behind to a meeting and sink their teeth back into their program.
Some do just that....
And some let that little voice drive the bus.
It is the most heartbreaking disease to watch. What I would say to you is that your boyfriend is at peace and he no longer has the disease of addiction. And sometimes that brings more peace to the ones left behind than to watch years of lather, rinse, repeat.
It
Just one more day, just one more run.....sooner or later a miracle is going to happen.....there is a pot of gold just around the corner. Whether it be money, opportunity or drugs.
Your boyfriend may have broken up with you and went with the old girlfriend to really go on a bender before going into treatment.
I have read where addicts used right up to the front door of the treatment center.
It's not until they have some clean time and common sense and treatment start to sink in that they realize just how messed up their thinking was.
Even recovering, there are "triggers" of people, places and things that is that little voice in their head that starts to tell them they can controll their use and just use "a little bit" and that is where the wheels of relapse start.
I have read that relapse is actually in the works for quite some time prior to actual use.
I have seen this and have actually predicted it when reading other people's posts on other boards.
That is usually when the ones with some substantial clean time will jump in and tell them to get their behind to a meeting and sink their teeth back into their program.
Some do just that....
And some let that little voice drive the bus.
It is the most heartbreaking disease to watch. What I would say to you is that your boyfriend is at peace and he no longer has the disease of addiction. And sometimes that brings more peace to the ones left behind than to watch years of lather, rinse, repeat.
It
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
bertie, I have had 3 people who I dearly loved in my life commit suicide my dear brother 3 years ago e was only 27. a good friend and a cousin. I felt so very guilty about my brother and I wanted to know why, I wanted to know why about all of them but I never will know.
What I do know is it is not your fault, please be gentle with yourself.
What I do know is it is not your fault, please be gentle with yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
Thank you Yearforme, you hit the nail on the head. For him it was always 'just one more day, tomorrow will be better, all I need is x, y, and z to fall into place then I'll feel well enough to stop with the pills.'
It was heartbreaking the weeks before he died. I distanced myself to keep from worrying. I knew full well what was going on and felt helpless. For me it was 40 days of hell, I assume for him time was non-existent.
He would still check in, omitting the gory details out of shame, telling me he was working very hard on getting his life in order. He was trying- in a backwards, 'ill fix these other irritants so I can deal with my drug problem' kind of way. The day before he died he called to ask if I was proud of him. he was going back to work on Monday and asked my dad to go with him to look at a house to buy. I was (hopefully) proud, but entirely skeptical. My dad said Sunday morning he called and cancelled, slurring his words so bad that he left 2 extra voicemails to get his point across. I know that Sunday he died as if by accident. It was just another day of him coming down hard, this time the disease took him over completely.
It feels petty, I know it was his decisions alone, but I still hate his drug friends, dealers, and old girlfriend. The last year he had avoided so many of those triggers, saying 'for now I just need to avoid all of it, because they start calling me when I get paid, they know I'll buy drugs and share. I can't turn it down when offered, I can never do just a little.' Then the month before he died he reconnected with all of them, they were all at the funeral, they all claimed he was their best friend.
It was heartbreaking the weeks before he died. I distanced myself to keep from worrying. I knew full well what was going on and felt helpless. For me it was 40 days of hell, I assume for him time was non-existent.
He would still check in, omitting the gory details out of shame, telling me he was working very hard on getting his life in order. He was trying- in a backwards, 'ill fix these other irritants so I can deal with my drug problem' kind of way. The day before he died he called to ask if I was proud of him. he was going back to work on Monday and asked my dad to go with him to look at a house to buy. I was (hopefully) proud, but entirely skeptical. My dad said Sunday morning he called and cancelled, slurring his words so bad that he left 2 extra voicemails to get his point across. I know that Sunday he died as if by accident. It was just another day of him coming down hard, this time the disease took him over completely.
It feels petty, I know it was his decisions alone, but I still hate his drug friends, dealers, and old girlfriend. The last year he had avoided so many of those triggers, saying 'for now I just need to avoid all of it, because they start calling me when I get paid, they know I'll buy drugs and share. I can't turn it down when offered, I can never do just a little.' Then the month before he died he reconnected with all of them, they were all at the funeral, they all claimed he was their best friend.
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