supportforme

Hi - I really need some help tonight. Some Background: I recently filed for divorce from my Husband of 15 years. He's been battling an oxycodone addication for the last 4 years. In May, I was faced with the reality of how severe his addiction is when he spiraled out of control and resulted in totalling his car, being arrested for DUI and forged prescriptions. Police came and searched my home; DEA agents interviewed me - young boys devastated. I hit my bottom and there was no choice for me other than to file for divorce and protect my and the boys. He has supervised visits and is not allowed in the home. I've been staying strong - There's no doubt about the divorce and protecting us. Since he was granted the supervised visits, he has been the model dad and I can see changes in his actions as a result of him working his recovery. I've made it clear to him and the boys that I pray that Dad works his recovery and gets better; but, I will never be married to Dad again. Here's my issue - He was admitted to the hospital tonight and they told him that he as Chronic Kidney Disease. Not sure what level yet. I have been talking to him on the phone to try to show support. I can't shut off the fact that I've been with this man for 20 years and the love does not stop. He expected me to go to the ER and be with him. I told him that I do care about him and will try to provide support to the extent I can. However, the boys have been through alot and Mom leaving to run to the ER will cause them more confusion and anxiety. So, if he is scared and wants to talk, I can listen. I feel like he is playing the poor me and I feel so guilty for thinking that. I know his actions caused this disease but I still feel so bad for him. I can't tell you how many times I thought, OK I'll call my mom and I can go to the ER to be there with him. I'm not having any doubts about divorce. I'm really struggling with the fact that the man that I shared so much with needs me and I feel guilty that I'm not there for him. God - I can't stop this overwhelming guilt and sorrow...

suki44883

He is trying to manipulate you. You have no reason to feel guilty. He does not need you, your children do. He is in the best hands, those of professionals.

Please do not feel guilty. You being there won't change anything.

lifewithoutbooz

Suki is right. Once you go there and see what a sorry state he's in he'll really start making you feel guilty. Maybe even try to convince you not to file for divorce. Be there for him over the phone for support but keep your priorities in clear focus - your kids.

Keep strong and keep coming here for support for yourself!

supportforme

Thanks for the quick replies. I've been strong and haven't wavered yet with my focus. That's exactly what stopped me - my kids need me. He's done enough damage and I need to focus on them and me. I guess, This is the first "relapse" I've had since I've reached my bottom in May. I know he's manipulating, I'm feeling sorry for him and allowing him to make me loose the focus. Thanks for the reality check.

lightseeker

I'm glad that you reached out for support because it is here for you. It sounds like you have really good gut instincts that tell you the best way to handle this. I think it's pretty normal to have those "left over feelings" that cause you to feel guilt.

The number one thing that is important is to take care of ourselves so that we can take care of our children. If we are taking care of another adult then we are not there for our children. I have not always made the best decisions along the way and I can't begin to tell you how much I regret them - and all of them are about my kids getting the short end of the stick.

If your husband is working a recovery program then there is a tight band of people there for him simply for the asking. I've never seen a group of people so willing to rally around someone as when a member of AA or NA makes the call and says "I'm in the hospital". I work in a hospital and see it all the time. The other members of their fellowship are really who they lean on to deal with the issues that present when hospitalized.

Your boundaries sound firm and appropriate and my suggestion is to try not to second guess yourself. You sound like a caring person but also one that knows when to draw the line.

I'm thinking about you and hope that you will post as much as you need to....

supportforme

thanks. I can read from your posts that you've been through what I'm just beginning. I know that if I left to go tonight it would have made my boys and me upset. My boys need to trust that they can depend on me to be strong. They may not understand my actions now, but I need to take them so they have the best chance of surviving this horrible disease in the future. This is another big step for me. It wasn't an easy one. But having this site keeps me grounded. It's so sad to know he just keeps getting the punches from the downstream impacts of his choices. I need to stay strong to rebuild and stay focused - I have my boys to raise and they are at a fragile state. I pray the damage he's done to himself is not terminal. I know it's in God hands. It's just so sad to know it's such a waste. Just rereading this reply I can see my thoughts flipping back to his welfare. I need to stay focused on me and the boys and I don't have the capacity to care for him right now. I have to save us. Thank you.

EnglishGarden

If he has been clean only since last month, then he is still operating with the addict mind, and if I were in your situation, I would protect myself just as you are doing. He simply cannot be trusted. In fact, unfortunately, it is possible he is at this moment thinking about ways he can cop some pills while he's in the hospital.

Best to keep your distance and let him assume full responsibility for his situation and what he intends to do about it. You are working a good recovery!

oooopps

so true. when my ex heroin addict bf was taken away and sent to detox, he called and asked if I could give him some of my xanax because he cant sleep and is very very anxious and stressed. Somehow he made me feel like if I didnt give him my meds, it means I dont care about his suffering. Even his sister told me that it was OK to give him a couple. Now I realize it really wasnt ok... nothing that happened from his addiction was ok.

supportforme

thanks for keeping me strong. He left the hospital and called me this morning to tell me he has kidney failure and nerve damage at the back of his brain and he's scared that he may die. I don't even know what to believe. I know he is trying to manipulate me into feeling bad. Can't shake the fear and guilt that he very well may have all these things and could be dying. I need to let go and trust a higher power. Easier said than done - your responses are giving me the insight to gain strength. Its a beautiful day and I need to go plan something fun for me and the boys God bless

crazybabie

Have a good day enjoying your boys you you sound in a really good place right now.

lightseeker

hang in there....I know how difficult it is to just stay right in the moment but that's a good place to hang out....that way you can be present for your life and your kids.

stay in touch!

Freedom1990

I often remind myself that God is either everything or God is nothing.

Sending you hugs of support!

oooopps

technically we are all dying... but addicts choose to die faster while killing slowly the people that care for them both emotionally and probably physically too. I cant imagine the amount of cells that die from our bodies as a result of stress and pain induced by the addict. It cant be healthy. Do they care?

supportforme

Thanks for all the support. I was busy enjoying the weekend with the boys What an overwhelming feeling to stay focused on our happiness and not allow his sickness to ruin our day. By staying strong I kept me and my boys happy. Unfortunatley, he had his reality check, but he got through it. Sad that on top of legal issues, causing the destruction of a family, he now has medical consequences. I told him you can choose to wallow in your self pity and sorrow. Or, you can be the Dad these boys deserve - either way. I will continue to put boys and me 1st.