oooopps

Hi everyone,

I am wondering if anyone could share their experience on NO CONTACT with their addict and how it has helped them with moving on and healing?

I was recently contacted by my ex heroin addict bf whom I havent had contact with for a year. We were together for 3 years. He texted me back in December which I ignored and last week I got a call from him wanting to talk. He told me how much he loved me, how special I am to him in his heart, how often he thinks of me and that I'm the best friend that he's ever had. He told me that he is doing really great, has a great job, and that if I ever wanted to go back to Colorado ... he wants to fly me out there. He said that I could stay with him or he would pay for the hotel and that we could say the goodbye that we never got to say properly. I also asked about drinking and he said he still drinks here and there to relax after work.

The phone call really messed me up. After hanging up with him, I felt very upset and emotional for daaays. I was kind of surprised by how strong my reaction was after one year... the anxious and wanting to hear from him and checking my phone to see if he would contact me feeling came back. After getting some help from friends, I was able to send him a text and said "maybe we could connect after my bar exam but right now it's not the time" ... I am currently preparing for the CA bar exam. It's 3 days long, extremely difficult and just a very gut wrenching and stressful process.

Our parting was very abrupt and painful. I never got to say goodbye to him when I left the state and moved back to CA. We parted ways when I graduated from law school and moved away and at the same time he was arrested and sent to prison for violating his parole by getting high and selling drugs to his minor 16 year old nephew.

I know I'm very lucky that I got away but there is a deeper reason why I'm checking this site for comfort everyday which I dont really understand. I think if somehow I did not leave CO, I would still be entangled in his heroin addiction, his in and out of jail/prison, his lies, stealing, and missing in the middle of the night. I still remember sobbing all the time, not being able to sleep and trying to maintain my barely there sanity to survive law school and maintain the GPA to stay in school.

When I think about him and he crosses my mind often... I remember how handsome, charming, funny, well-dressed he was. But then I also remember his droopy eyes, nodding off, locking himself in the bathroom, yellow stained fingers, tract marks and spoons and needles under the bed...

and then I remember all the times we've laugh out butts silly and talking about the future. And then I remember him asking me to borrow money because of crazy-ass reasons that I still dont remember I believed, him leaving me in the middle of the night and missing for hours, not answering the phone...

memories are kind of very torturous.

I want to know if anyone out there has successfully cut off their addict and has since found peace, comfort and healing? This would really helped me.

Thank you.

Shout out to Anvilhead. Your writing has helped me tremendously. I am a buddhist but it doesnt conflict to say... God Bless you and thank you for your writing.

pinkdog

Wow! I was just thinking about this! I dated a man that I felt head-over-heels for. It came to my attention that he had problems with alcohol and drugs. He became evasive, unreliable and just plain impossible to believe. I could see no future. I'm glad I decided on no contact right away. Saved myself so much heartache. It was just a blip on my lifescreen. It could've been my life forever. Whatever he is doing, it is with someone else. It was a great decision.

tjp613

Well, I kind of think you've answered your own question, haven't you? There you were, calmly living your life, productively studying your *** off and preparing for a brilliant career....La La La... and then WHAM!!!!!!! Now here you are, all discombobulated, confused, and over-analyzing the obvious.

How is going NO CONTACT helpful and how does it aid in healing? I really think you know.

oooopps

I guess what I'm wondering is... will I ever reach a point of "indifference" with this experience? I'd like to get there one day and find true peace.

It helps to hear other people's perspective so that I dont feel so alone in this stressful time. Studying has not been productive and I feel very worried, stressed, and at times hopeless with this exam.

story74

Imho, just don't take any calls from him and go on with your life. Count your blessings you were not married and had a family with him. The fact is he may be healthy/ not using right now, but who knows if he will relapse. Can you imagine having 2 kids with him and one day he disappears bc of relapse? The pain and the effect it would have on those children is life changing. Now, who knows. Maybe he will stay sober for the rest of his life. But it is a gamble. Are you willing to gamble? Also, you were ande maybe still are in love with him. Maybe you haven't met anyone else since. Give it time. It will pass. Like I said...imho. addicts are people too, but I have been thru it with a child and it is so painful. There is no. Ratinoalizing and having a normal conversation with an addict. That is why I chose no contact. All he did was hurt and disappoint time after time. No contact helps me move on to normal and happy.

Good luck with your choices.

LoveMeNow

I also asked about drinking and he said he still drinks here and there to relax after work.

Doesn't sound like he taking his recovery all that serious. Is he working a program?

oooopps

he said there is a meeting that he likes on Friday nights... but who knows if he is really going to them. He used to talk about wanting to go to meetings but he never went. He only went to the ones mandated by court.

oooopps

I must admit... I am occasionally confused. Why do we miss the person despite having gone through so much pain & suffering caused by the addict? This question obviously doesnt apply to parents of addicts, they share an entirely different type of relationship...

i dont know.. i am confused.

lesliej

be very very wary...think it all the way through if you must, play the whole tape if it helps...but you can just start counting days of no contact again. time is of the essence.

my ex disappeared for a week on a huge crack binge when I was finishing my thesis. I had round the clock team of people calling me, keeping me on track, working really hard to try to keep me focused.

in some way way down deep sad place there is some part of me that would have thrown over my thesis for him, I would have sabotaged my degree for a useless cause. the wounds are very deep...

and the slightest contact can re-traumatize the wound.

stick with your plan to get through the bar.
there is no reason whatsoever to rush into contact with him before your exams
be gentle with yourself, because you are not alone in that feeling when you are heading into such a stressful testing process...

getting distracted by him can almost be like a relief...after all that's what a lot of us were doing when we were actively codependent, we were, at the VERY least partially, distracted from our own life. you might be welcoming the distraction, even if it is painful, to avoid the stress of the test.

keep praying on your focus and your test. breathe, meditate. get your community/posse together and tell them you need accountability/support

i will never forget my sister on the phone long distance...several times a day...saying "DON'T LOSE THE THESIS!!!" because I was in very near danger of doing so...

DO IT

Vale

I changed my phone #.

I was gettiing dopey,loopy texts-----"yeah,it's ME,
I broke (again)...haha...what else is new? Could you drop by my (addict hard-time
-violent-ex-con boyfriends place) and slide some cash under the door?!?!?!"

That dumb assed text BEGGED me to respond...

"Yeah, I'll get right on that!!!!"

...but I didn't--I just changed my number.Sometimes I think she will drop me a PM
on facebook----but my page would disappear permanently the next day.To be truthful,
I doubt she has the ability to think that clearly.When I was enabling her---most of the
time she couldn't even get the street intersections/time correct.Or would show up :20
late.
Do I wonder about her? Sometimes.Not nearly as much as I used to.I simply cannot convey how
marvelous life is when you separate from the chaotic unpredictable hell that
is an addicts life.

When you drive off the lot in a brand new NO CONTACTMOBILE you have no buyers
remorse whatsoever.You turn the top down and cruise down the boulevard saying
"why the HELL didn't I do this LONG AGO!!!"

(Sweet ride)

MeredithD1

Once I was in N/C with my XH, I was really able to see how being with him affected me. I was so reactive to him that once I went N/C, I was able to observe my thinking instead of being overtaken by it, and I was able to "get a grip on myself" to see just how insane my life with him had been. It took a while to clean up the mess. It took even longer to release the resentment.

EJG123

You may never be completely indifferent but you'll stop thinking abut him much if you stay no contact. If you want a wound to heal, you just can't keep poking around in it.

dollydo

NC gave my back my power, my senseability, my life.

Kindeyes

I was no contact with my XAH for many years. After being divorced for about 29 years we began contact again about a year ago to try to reconcile for our addicted son. It turned into a nightmare! Why? Because XAH is still in active addiction.

It started out very innocently with the intent to show a united front for our son. To put the past behind us and behave like adults. Within a few short weeks it turned into serial text messages from him, phone calls to my office leaving messages on a general voicemail box, crazy messages dredging up all past hurts, and lightly veiled threats. I filed a restraining order on him, changed my phone number and learned a lesson. The experience zoomed me back in time 28 years.....to re-experience all the hurt and craziness that resulted in divorce and eventually into no contact. I will not make that mistake again.

My experience of no contact with my son is very different. I am definitely in a better place when I don't have contact with him but I do miss him and think about him every day. I don't think that will change but I am dealing with it through prayer. That works for me. I agree with Cynical One.....I know that I can't dabble in a relationship with my son as long as he is in active addiction. I am an addict. He is my addiction.

No contact is an unfortunate necessity when a relationship (or person/people) are toxic. As a recovering codependent, I am at risk when dealing with an active addict. I choose not to take that risk.

gentle hugs
ke

oooopps

while it's important to let our wounds heal by having no contact which I stick to and abide... i also think it's important to take care of the wound while it's healing. Whether its cleaning it or putting the right medicine on it. Or else it can heal into a very ugly wound... full of pus underneath the thick scab.

Just havent figured out how to tend to mine to make it as flat as possible.

Talltrees

I think you made a smart decision by telling him that now was not the time.

Going no-contact with my heroin addict brother helped me to gain self-esteem. Since I haven't been around him, I believe I've done more with my life than I ever could have if I had allowed his abuse to continue to affect me. I've almost finished college, got married, have two children, bought my second house, and he has stayed the same person all these years and is now in jail, all while I've become an adult. Of course, the relationship between siblings is a bit different from that of a boyfriend and girlfriend.

Also, what you said about how he still drinks sometimes would definitely be a red flag for me. Every time my brother has been forced to stop using heroin (probation, a new living situation, etc.), he just switches to alcohol (and a lot of it), and still displays the same unacceptable behaviors. I don't believe an addict is truly "clean" when he replaces his substance of choice. I think that total abstinence is the responsible way for an addict to stay clean.

By going NC, you have proven to yourself that you are wise and strong, and you respect yourself and your needs. It sounds like you're on track right now---so why risk it?

oooopps

Talltree,

Thank you for sharing your experience. I read your posts on your other threads and I must say even as a stranger, I am proud of your accomplishments and I want to give you a hug.

You brother sounds very much like my heroin addict ex. Alcohol always led him to relapse. Who am I kidding that THIS TIME it will be different? My ex drinks alcohol like it's water and he always said it's because their family is Scottish so it's natural for them to drink a lot or some BS along that line that I was too gullible to believe.

In your "I suck with boundaries" post... I can really relate to your experience with your family members. My ex's parents are all enablers and addicts. The mom is a pill popper and would give my ex pills all the time when he "cant sleep", when he "cant cope", when he "is anxious"...

the dad is an alcoholic who will black out, fall down and bleed all over the place. In fact, the dad has crashed enough cars and fell down enough times that he is not quite normal anymore. I've learned from the other family members that he used to be a very funny and lively man. I came too late into the picture but I always noticed that his father's eyes looked very very empty. I cant quite explain it... empty vessel would be an adequate way of describing him.

Now my ex's younger sister whom he is super close with, would drink a ton with her brother, do coke with him, and invite him too all sorts of parties and hang out when she knows all of that will lead him to relapse on the needles. And then she will get upset and angry about him using and say things like "if you use heroin I want nothing to do with you" ... next thing I know, she is giving him money and picking him up from prison. All he needed to do was tell her "how she is his favorite and how much he loved and adored her" ...

It's a sick game he plays... I read from someone's post that some addicts can talk TICKS off of dogs. That was exactly the person my heroin addict ex was and still is... as evident from his phone call to me not long ago.

I used to try to reach out to his family all the time. Begging for help. But the efforts were always futile and only led my ex to become more angry with me for meddling or snitching on him. I remember once he dozed off in the middle of a phone conversation and I couldnt get his attention (this was when I knew he was using)... I hung up and called his mother to check on him (they lived together then) to make sure he is ok and he got sooooo angry at me for calling his mom. He basically cussed me out.

That family was all sorts of f-ed up.

In hindsight, I am sooo glad that none of these people are in my life anymore. It had such a toxic, hopeless and draining effect on me. I felt like I was drowning slowly.

People are like plants... keep pouring poison on us and we will die.

Talltrees

My apologies for not responding earlier. I wanted to say thank you. I don't say as much as I want to other people on here, mostly because I am not confident enough to think I can be helpful. But I read through threads sometimes because I remember and learn from every single one of them. I want to be like you, and many others on SR who have given me strength to turn away from what hurts me. It means a lot to me that you shared your struggle to help me. Thanks. And *HUGS* for you too :-)