Help with FOG
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Angry at myself because Im a big pushover. Had a good day with my boyfriend but I promised myself I would keep an emotional distance. We had lunch, went shopping for food because he said he hadn’t bought milk or anything since we got home. He bought me flowers. Went home to put the food away and we got on the couch to watch a movie and cuddle. That led us to the bedroom and I turn to emotional mush.
My parents wanted me home to go to pool party at a certain time. I was late and my parents left with my sisters. I got a nasty phone call from my dad telling me I had changed, they couldn’t count on me, id broken my promise to be home, broken my promise to stay away from him until they got answers. I was setting a bad example for his daughters. And what he said that really hurt was his daughters because he is really my step dad, and they are his real daughters. But he has been my dad since I was 3 and my real dad died. That comment hurt really bad. So I left my boyfriend and changed and went to the party. My mom was glad but my dad ignored me.
I don’t know if I can do it but Im going to try to go no contact with my boyfriend all week. I told him to not call, not text, nothing until next Saturday, and if he broke that rule then each time would add a day more apart. He doesn’t understand and thinks I want to punish him, or Im wanting to break up .
I looked up a bunch of things on sociopaths after I read your post CyncicalOne and there are a whole bunch of blogs and forums from women who were involved and didn’t know until it was too late. They say its hard to diagnose and cant be cured most time. But my boyfriend doesn’t sound like what they describe here at all:
The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.
Let’s look at these questions individually.
Do they feel love?
The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.
Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.
They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.
It is all an act.
A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.
What does a sociopath feel?
One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,
“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”
They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:
“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”
One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.
What hurts a sociopath?
Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.
This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.
You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.
How can you communicate with a sociopath?
Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.
If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.
Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:
1. Provide as little information as possible.
2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
3. Do not trust. Verify.
4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.
Implications of no empathy and no fear
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.
What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.
That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.
My parents wanted me home to go to pool party at a certain time. I was late and my parents left with my sisters. I got a nasty phone call from my dad telling me I had changed, they couldn’t count on me, id broken my promise to be home, broken my promise to stay away from him until they got answers. I was setting a bad example for his daughters. And what he said that really hurt was his daughters because he is really my step dad, and they are his real daughters. But he has been my dad since I was 3 and my real dad died. That comment hurt really bad. So I left my boyfriend and changed and went to the party. My mom was glad but my dad ignored me.
I don’t know if I can do it but Im going to try to go no contact with my boyfriend all week. I told him to not call, not text, nothing until next Saturday, and if he broke that rule then each time would add a day more apart. He doesn’t understand and thinks I want to punish him, or Im wanting to break up .
I looked up a bunch of things on sociopaths after I read your post CyncicalOne and there are a whole bunch of blogs and forums from women who were involved and didn’t know until it was too late. They say its hard to diagnose and cant be cured most time. But my boyfriend doesn’t sound like what they describe here at all:
The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.
Let’s look at these questions individually.
Do they feel love?
The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.
Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.
They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.
It is all an act.
A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.
What does a sociopath feel?
One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,
“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”
They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:
“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”
One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.
What hurts a sociopath?
Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.
This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.
You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.
How can you communicate with a sociopath?
Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.
If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.
Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:
1. Provide as little information as possible.
2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
3. Do not trust. Verify.
4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.
Implications of no empathy and no fear
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.
What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.
That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 82
This was another one I found about it:
If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone
If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone
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I could be wrong, but I think unless you're ready to let go of him and move on ... the no contact thing is kind of pointless because all you're going to do is look forward to Saturday coming. You are just prolonging your own suffering.
emotional distance only works if you are committed to adding distance... not just temporarily not hearing from that person and then when you connect again it's fireworks, butterflies, and emotions all over again... Same thing with walking a mile, taking 5 steps forward and then 3 steps back is going to take a lonnnnng time to get to where you need to be. In the mean time, you're frustrated, confused and pissed off.
you sound like you're still trying to figure him out. that is way too much energy spent on the wrong place...
trust me, I've been there. When I was consumed by my ex's addiction... I went on Amazon and ordered 6 books on heroin addiction... 6 and I read all of them! I should have dedicated that time to my own studies and my own well-being.
emotional distance only works if you are committed to adding distance... not just temporarily not hearing from that person and then when you connect again it's fireworks, butterflies, and emotions all over again... Same thing with walking a mile, taking 5 steps forward and then 3 steps back is going to take a lonnnnng time to get to where you need to be. In the mean time, you're frustrated, confused and pissed off.
you sound like you're still trying to figure him out. that is way too much energy spent on the wrong place...
trust me, I've been there. When I was consumed by my ex's addiction... I went on Amazon and ordered 6 books on heroin addiction... 6 and I read all of them! I should have dedicated that time to my own studies and my own well-being.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 41
Pink, I am sorry that your step-father seemed to draw a distinction between you and your step-sisters. I agree, that was hurtful. You may wish to talk to him about this, just mention that it really hurt your feelings and you never thought of him as anything less than your dad. He may have reacted this way because he witnessed your mother's worry and became angry with you as "the cause" of her worry. Its probably just because he loves your mom and doesn't like to see her unhappy.
Oh, with regard to sociopathic behavior by addicts, I believe that although some addicts are sociopaths, the majority are not. Many are, however, selfish and immature because they have spent too much time in a stupor avoiding life and consequently have not grown-up.
Good luck to you dear.
Oh, with regard to sociopathic behavior by addicts, I believe that although some addicts are sociopaths, the majority are not. Many are, however, selfish and immature because they have spent too much time in a stupor avoiding life and consequently have not grown-up.
Good luck to you dear.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by oooopps 
I could be wrong, but I think unless you're ready to let go of him and move on ... the no contact thing is kind of pointless because all you're going to do is look forward to Saturday coming. You are just prolonging your own suffering.
emotional distance only works if you are committed to adding distance... not just temporarily not hearing from that person and then when you connect again it's fireworks, butterflies, and emotions all over again... Same thing with walking a mile, taking 5 steps forward and then 3 steps back is going to take a lonnnnng time to get to where you need to be. In the mean time, you're frustrated, confused and pissed off.
you sound like you're still trying to figure him out. that is way too much energy spent on the wrong place...
trust me, I've been there. When I was consumed by my ex's addiction... I went on Amazon and ordered 6 books on heroin addiction... 6 and I read all of them! I should have dedicated that time to my own studies and my own well-being.
emotional distance only works if you are committed to adding distance... not just temporarily not hearing from that person and then when you connect again it's fireworks, butterflies, and emotions all over again... Same thing with walking a mile, taking 5 steps forward and then 3 steps back is going to take a lonnnnng time to get to where you need to be. In the mean time, you're frustrated, confused and pissed off.
you sound like you're still trying to figure him out. that is way too much energy spent on the wrong place...
trust me, I've been there. When I was consumed by my ex's addiction... I went on Amazon and ordered 6 books on heroin addiction... 6 and I read all of them! I should have dedicated that time to my own studies and my own well-being.
You ended up leaving your boyfriend right, but he is still using heroin right?
he didnt stop or try to right.
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Originally Posted by AndreaB
Pink, I am sorry that your step-father seemed to draw a distinction between you and your step-sisters. I agree, that was hurtful. You may wish to talk to him about this, just mention that it really hurt your feelings and you never thought of him as anything less than your dad. He may have reacted this way because he witnessed your mother's worry and became angry with you as "the cause" of her worry. Its probably just because he loves your mom and doesn't like to see her unhappy.
Oh, with regard to sociopathic behavior by addicts, I believe that although some addicts are sociopaths, the majority are not. Many are, however, selfish and immature because they have spent too much time in a stupor avoiding life and consequently have not grown-up.
Good luck to you dear.
Oh, with regard to sociopathic behavior by addicts, I believe that although some addicts are sociopaths, the majority are not. Many are, however, selfish and immature because they have spent too much time in a stupor avoiding life and consequently have not grown-up.
Good luck to you dear.
I never thought of my boyfriend as a sociopath but I read Cynicalone post and then I really wasnt sure what it was like a mental disorder, so I had to look it up and found all these things. But they dont sound like him, its more like what you said in that he hasnt outgrown some of the selfish behaviors and lying that he did when he used drugs 3 years ago. So hard to figure all this out.
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I feel like Im too emotional around him and I need time to think about our relationship. Im hurt because he lied to me, but when Im with him I let all his explanations take that anger away and everything he says makes sense. But when Im away from him I have doubts and things other people say make sense and they dont match what he is saying. But even since Im at my parents he is calling and texting and its hard to think. If there is a chance he goes back to drugs in the future do I want to be with him? Can I trust him? I want to get married, I want to have kids.
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Originally Posted by pinkchampagne
You ended up leaving your boyfriend right, but he is still using heroin right?
he didnt stop or try to right.
he didnt stop or try to right.
He also never tried to get clean on his own. It was always because of parole, probation, arrest, prison, something that cut short of his use. And then we start over the abuse cycle.
The point is... I no longer want to wonder or think about his heroin use. If he does, that is his problem. If he doesnt, then great for him. I've given enough energy and attention to this person for 3 years that I completely neglected my own happiness and well-being. So I took that power back.
I am 27 and I made the decision that I dont want something so toxic in my life. Sometimes I wonder about him being with another girl... but it's only short-lived because that girl was me and I was completely miserable. That new girl isn't going to have it any better and I pray that she is smarter than me to not give him 3 years of her life.
In the mean time, I can look forward to the future. I will meet new people and find new opportunities and that is exciting. From this experience, I learned to not put up with BS and toxic people. I learned that I dont *need* him to move on in life and that is a wonderful thing.
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Originally Posted by pinkchampagne
I don’t know if I can do it but Im going to try to go no contact with my boyfriend all week. I told him to not call, not text, nothing until next Saturday, and if he broke that rule then each time would add a day more apart. He doesn’t understand and thinks I want to punish him, or Im wanting to break up .
.
Boundaries are something you do for you: "I need to step back from this relationship for a while, and will call you when I'm ready."
Rules are an attempt to control: "Don't call me, and if you do, I'll add another day to our separation."
This is something I'm working on for myself right now, so I guess my antennae are quick to notice it. Think carefully about what you need right now, and set boundaries that will help you achieve serenity. Make sure any boundary you set is for you - not an attempt to control his behavior.
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IMHO you are spending way too much time trying to figure him out and too little time working on you. You are codependent, have you read Codependent No More?
He has lied to you, over and over again, he possibly had something to do with a girls death...isn't that enough of a deal breaker for you? If not, what is?
As for your step dad, he is confused about your behavior, your relationship with this guy, I am too. Have you been 100% honest with your parents? If not, they have every right to be concerned even if you are not. They are not stupid, they are thinking with their heads, unlike you, who is attempting to think with your heart, a function that your heart is not capable of attaining.
What is the point of attempting to go no contact for several days? It's either on or off.
I am not trying to be harsh, I am concerned for your well-being, this guy is not who you want to believe him to be. Again I say, you are playing with fire, and, will get burned.
He has lied to you, over and over again, he possibly had something to do with a girls death...isn't that enough of a deal breaker for you? If not, what is?
As for your step dad, he is confused about your behavior, your relationship with this guy, I am too. Have you been 100% honest with your parents? If not, they have every right to be concerned even if you are not. They are not stupid, they are thinking with their heads, unlike you, who is attempting to think with your heart, a function that your heart is not capable of attaining.
What is the point of attempting to go no contact for several days? It's either on or off.
I am not trying to be harsh, I am concerned for your well-being, this guy is not who you want to believe him to be. Again I say, you are playing with fire, and, will get burned.
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Originally Posted by cynical one
I don't understand your thinking or reasoning behind this action, can you explain the why's? What is the end result you are looking for?
And your list of traits of sociopaths, I don't know how he LOOKS at you (#7), but you've described EVERY single other traits throughout your posts. EVERY other one.
Since he is home, was he cleared of all possible charges and is no longer a person of interest in the case?
And your list of traits of sociopaths, I don't know how he LOOKS at you (#7), but you've described EVERY single other traits throughout your posts. EVERY other one.
Since he is home, was he cleared of all possible charges and is no longer a person of interest in the case?
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Originally Posted by dollydo
IMHO you are spending way too much time trying to figure him out and too little time working on you. You are codependent, have you read Codependent No More?
He has lied to you, over and over again, he possibly had something to do with a girls death...isn't that enough of a deal breaker for you? If not, what is?
As for your step dad, he is confused about your behavior, your relationship with this guy, I am too. Have you been 100% honest with your parents? If not, they have every right to be concerned even if you are not. They are not stupid, they are thinking with their heads, unlike you, who is attempting to think with your heart, a function that your heart is not capable of attaining.
What is the point of attempting to go no contact for several days? It's either on or off.
I am not trying to be harsh, I am concerned for your well-being, this guy is not who you want to believe him to be. Again I say, you are playing with fire, and, will get burned.
He has lied to you, over and over again, he possibly had something to do with a girls death...isn't that enough of a deal breaker for you? If not, what is?
As for your step dad, he is confused about your behavior, your relationship with this guy, I am too. Have you been 100% honest with your parents? If not, they have every right to be concerned even if you are not. They are not stupid, they are thinking with their heads, unlike you, who is attempting to think with your heart, a function that your heart is not capable of attaining.
What is the point of attempting to go no contact for several days? It's either on or off.
I am not trying to be harsh, I am concerned for your well-being, this guy is not who you want to believe him to be. Again I say, you are playing with fire, and, will get burned.
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I think it's important to examine your motives to post on here. You ask what you should do, and SR members tell you but you seem to be looking for some kind of approval that it's ok to be with him, or that things will get better.
Many people here have live through your experience. They tell you from experience what is happening and what will happen next... I highly doubt that you will be the exception to a happily ever after. Why gamble on something so risky with no promise of winning?
I guess you can gamble and give him the rest of your 20s and maybe after 2 kids, marrying him... you will be strong enough to leave him in your 30s or 40s. But by then you will have wasted so much time.
Is the possibility of dating someone healthy, happy, with good morals not appealing to you? Those people are out there you know.
Sorry, I am very straightforward. I do think it's important to not sugarcoat things. Like you, I once found all sorts of excuse for my ex when my friends and family were desperately telling me to wake up.
I also want to get marry and have kids. That is a nice thought...
However, call me crazy but I will not marry someone whom I am not proud of, whom I cannot bring around to my family and dear friends, or someone who will steal from everyone and anyone near me.
Many people here have live through your experience. They tell you from experience what is happening and what will happen next... I highly doubt that you will be the exception to a happily ever after. Why gamble on something so risky with no promise of winning?
I guess you can gamble and give him the rest of your 20s and maybe after 2 kids, marrying him... you will be strong enough to leave him in your 30s or 40s. But by then you will have wasted so much time.
Is the possibility of dating someone healthy, happy, with good morals not appealing to you? Those people are out there you know.
Sorry, I am very straightforward. I do think it's important to not sugarcoat things. Like you, I once found all sorts of excuse for my ex when my friends and family were desperately telling me to wake up.
I also want to get marry and have kids. That is a nice thought...
However, call me crazy but I will not marry someone whom I am not proud of, whom I cannot bring around to my family and dear friends, or someone who will steal from everyone and anyone near me.
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Originally Posted by oooopps
I think it's important to examine your motives to post on here. You ask what you should do, and SR members tell you but you seem to be looking for some kind of approval that it's ok to be with him, or that things will get better.
Many people here have live through your experience. They tell you from experience what is happening and what will happen next... I highly doubt that you will be the exception to a happily ever after. Why gamble on something so risky with no promise of winning?
I guess you can gamble and give him the rest of your 20s and maybe after 2 kids, marrying him... you will be strong enough to leave him in your 30s or 40s. But by then you will have wasted so much time.
Is the possibility of dating someone healthy, happy, with good morals not appealing to you? Those people are out there you know.
Sorry, I am very straightforward. I do think it's important to not sugarcoat things. Like you, I once found all sorts of excuse for my ex when my friends and family were desperately telling me to wake up.
I also want to get marry and have kids. That is a nice thought. However, I dont want to marry someone whom I am not proud of, whom I cannot bring around to my family and dear friends, or someone who will steal from everyone and anyone near me.
Many people here have live through your experience. They tell you from experience what is happening and what will happen next... I highly doubt that you will be the exception to a happily ever after. Why gamble on something so risky with no promise of winning?
I guess you can gamble and give him the rest of your 20s and maybe after 2 kids, marrying him... you will be strong enough to leave him in your 30s or 40s. But by then you will have wasted so much time.
Is the possibility of dating someone healthy, happy, with good morals not appealing to you? Those people are out there you know.
Sorry, I am very straightforward. I do think it's important to not sugarcoat things. Like you, I once found all sorts of excuse for my ex when my friends and family were desperately telling me to wake up.
I also want to get marry and have kids. That is a nice thought. However, I dont want to marry someone whom I am not proud of, whom I cannot bring around to my family and dear friends, or someone who will steal from everyone and anyone near me.
I see what your saying about trying to control him by adding on days if he breaks my rule and calls texts me. That may have all been a mistake like he thought. Im not ready to end things with him yet in my heart because I still believe in him. I guess I should tell him that. Maybe slow things down but not go no contact.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Pink,
I agree that setting down rules is really different than a boundary....when I need time to think something through I really don't know how long it will take. So, it's better for me to leave it that I'll call you when I'm ready and not make some arbitrary date in the future.
If someone doesn't care for me enough to respect my boundaries (as in - don't call me or text me) then it's misguided for me to interpret that as "look at how much he loves me, he can't stay away and he wants me so much". It's a selfish move to continue to contact someone that has asked for space. Just my opinion.
I was married to someone with sociopathic tendencies and it took me YEARS to see through the act. I would have sworn that his "love" was real but in time I saw that it really was in relationship to his wants and needs being met and not about ME. He made it "just enough" about me to make me pretend that he cared about me the way that I want to be cared about. You don't have to meet all the criteria to have a tendency towards that personality disorder....manipulation and lying don't get better in time without a whole lot of work.
Will he use drugs again? Who knows. I've known people that were clean for 13 + years go back out. Even knew one woman with 25 years and she went back out. If someone continues to drink alcohol they really are not clean - they've just changed their drug of choice for the time being. There are no guarantees re: sobriety. Even in AA they say that only 10% of their members at any given time will end up dying sober. I don't know if that is a real statistic but I've heard it again and again at AA meetings.
Play the tape out....how do you really think that this is going to end? Relationships need to be built on trust and respect and do you really have that for him?
I agree that setting down rules is really different than a boundary....when I need time to think something through I really don't know how long it will take. So, it's better for me to leave it that I'll call you when I'm ready and not make some arbitrary date in the future.
If someone doesn't care for me enough to respect my boundaries (as in - don't call me or text me) then it's misguided for me to interpret that as "look at how much he loves me, he can't stay away and he wants me so much". It's a selfish move to continue to contact someone that has asked for space. Just my opinion.
I was married to someone with sociopathic tendencies and it took me YEARS to see through the act. I would have sworn that his "love" was real but in time I saw that it really was in relationship to his wants and needs being met and not about ME. He made it "just enough" about me to make me pretend that he cared about me the way that I want to be cared about. You don't have to meet all the criteria to have a tendency towards that personality disorder....manipulation and lying don't get better in time without a whole lot of work.
Will he use drugs again? Who knows. I've known people that were clean for 13 + years go back out. Even knew one woman with 25 years and she went back out. If someone continues to drink alcohol they really are not clean - they've just changed their drug of choice for the time being. There are no guarantees re: sobriety. Even in AA they say that only 10% of their members at any given time will end up dying sober. I don't know if that is a real statistic but I've heard it again and again at AA meetings.
Play the tape out....how do you really think that this is going to end? Relationships need to be built on trust and respect and do you really have that for him?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
If you tell your parents the whole truth they will support your going to meetings. You have nothing to be ashamed of, getting healthy is a positive...not a negative.
Codependent No More is a good starting point to recover from codependency, if you
do not start your recovery now it will get worse. Codependency is a condition that
will impact your life in a negative way, the longer it goes untreated the more crippling it will become.
Codependent No More is a good starting point to recover from codependency, if you
do not start your recovery now it will get worse. Codependency is a condition that
will impact your life in a negative way, the longer it goes untreated the more crippling it will become.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
As a parent, I get upset and angry when I am lied to or I sense dishonesty. I may not know what the truth is, but I can spot deceit a mile away. You dad is upset because he senses that too. You need to show honest behaviour if you want trust.
You just put yourself in danger again...and I'm not talking emotional danger. You might want to think about why you risk everything for an accused murderer and active addict.
Meetings sound like a good idea to me.
You just put yourself in danger again...and I'm not talking emotional danger. You might want to think about why you risk everything for an accused murderer and active addict.
Meetings sound like a good idea to me.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
when he used drugs 3 years ago.
PLEASE take your dang blinders off. He is NOT a 'former addict'. He is AN ADDICT and he will be for the REST OF HIS LIFE. He is doing no program of recovery, he has not been totally honest with you and Cynical One is correct:
I don't know how he LOOKS at you (#7), but you've described EVERY single other traits throughout your posts. EVERY other one.
Is this really the type of person you want to have children with?
Of course your dad/stepdad was angry. We parents are not perfect and when we see danger for a child that we love very much we can, do, and have lashed out. Was it right? No, and you and he need to have an adult conversation about thus. But please remember that when you do talk, that he was hurt by your actions, he saw the woman he loves hurt by your actions, and he sees one of the daughters he loves headed into some trouble that is going to be deeper than she can handle.
Time to remove the blinders and the rose colored glasses and looking where you do not want to look. For your own sanity, please go NO CONTACT.
I also agree with Dolly. Tell your parents about wanting to attend some meetings, get to some meetings. and get a copy of "Co Dependent No More."
Love and hugs,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"I want to get married, I want to have kids. "
I'd wait a looonnng time before considering that...you have alot of growing up to do and the guy you are hooked up with IMHO is not marriage material, today or tomorrow.
I'd wait a looonnng time before considering that...you have alot of growing up to do and the guy you are hooked up with IMHO is not marriage material, today or tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
When I met my ex, even after a year or two, I couldn't have identified him as a sociopath by that criteria. I don't even think when I left him I could have seen it. Now I've taken time, space and my energy away from him, I see it crystal clear. Do not have children with this man.
My daughter's father is an addict. He's not using all the time, he had fits and starts but it's horrendous, terrifying. I would never ever ever choose that life for her, ive chosen to run and move 15 miles away where he won't find us.. but equally I'd never have chosen for her to have no father around. You don't know whether your boyfriend is an abuser- he tld you he's not but that means NOTHING.
My daughter's father is an addict. He's not using all the time, he had fits and starts but it's horrendous, terrifying. I would never ever ever choose that life for her, ive chosen to run and move 15 miles away where he won't find us.. but equally I'd never have chosen for her to have no father around. You don't know whether your boyfriend is an abuser- he tld you he's not but that means NOTHING.
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