frustrated ... can you convince an addict?
 

Maybe I'm naive. I try to tell my AH that I know he's still using and that he's not doing what he needs to be doing. He's not going to the doctor or meetings (he's on suboxone). Loaded on father's day and ruined that. Loaded again tonight. Calling out from work because his back hurts. REALLY? Why do I feel the need for him to fess up so I can do something. I know I need to leave him but am scared. Y? I supported my family myself with him as an addict for almost 10 years. Obviously I can take care of just myself and daughter. What can I do to help or to have the strength to do what I need to do?

Hello Cris808

I am sorry for what has brought you here you will find a lot of information that will be useful. I can share my experience I wanted my AH to fess up because I felt he "owed" me that much after all I was doing almost everything raising the kids, taking them to their ballgames and girl scouts, traveling 100 miles a day for our sons chemo and radiation while he was out doing whatever it was he does.

I was shocked once when he told me he "owed" me nothing I was like Really?
Reality was he didn't owe me anything even after 31 years of being together and 28 years being married he was right. I however did owe myself something a way to find serenity a new healthier me.

What can I do to help or to have the strength to do what I need to do?

You can take care of you and the kids and give him the dignity of making his own choices. Have you read the stickies at the top of this forum yet? A good place to start.
The book Codependent No More is a great read, have you considered any meetings for you? Nar anon, Al anon, Families Anonymous.

All of us here know the pain and suffering your feeling the questions we ask ourselves, the WHYS... stick around and read posts by others and check out the stickies...

Thank you so much. I'm here to start healing. Where I live alanon or narcanon meetings are almost nonexistent . I just need a new perspective because all of my friends are sober. I have been reading the threads and stickys and they are deffinatly helping.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

He has to want and embrace recovery on his own.

And the best thing to do is take care of you and your daughter.

You can't "convince" him of his problem because then he'd either have to address it or you'd be justified in removing him from your home. If he is an addict and does not want recovery, then why would he admit it?

Welcome to SR. Although meetings may be difficult to find, it would be worth it to travel a little ways if at all possible. If not, you can buy the literature on line, attend meetings online, or simply stick around here. There are a lot of people here on SR with a lot of years of recovery (from addiction as well as codependence) and they can provide some support.

I left my AXH when the fear and pain of leaving him was less than the fear and pain of staying with him. I finally just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I felt used and used up. Marriage is suppose to be a partnership and there was no partnership.....it was more like a tug-o-war. I divorced him 30 years ago.....two years later......I met my current husband and we have now been married for 27 years. The difference between being married to an addict vs being married to a healthy man is like night and day. It doesn't mean that we never have problems.....it just means that we are able to work through them in a mature and healthy manner.

Trying to convince an addict to stop or to do things differently simply grounds them more firmly in their addiction. I'm not sure why it works that way but it does.

In dealing with an addict, the most important thing we can do is to take care of ourselves. We become so entangled with taking care of the addict that we completely forget about self care. When we take care of ourselves FIRST, we are available to care for those we love.....in this case your child(ren). Your husband is an adult and, in theory, he is capable of taking care of himself....which is how it should be.

Please.......take care of you and your precious child(ren).

gentle hugs
ke

Once you decide that enough is enough, you will put one foot in front of the other and keep doing that until what needs to be done is done. It is not easy or without doubt and regret, it doesn't always feel happy or without worry but it can feel liberating. Not much else to say, I'm in the process now with a perpetual lump in my throat.

I would like to encourage you to read all about addiction, enabling, codependency and detachment with love. This forum is a great place to start and I am so glad you have found your way here. Welcome :)

On your quest to find out what is happening in your life you will be surprised to find that you are an addict too. If you are anything like me, initially this will **** you off and you will reject the idea. I struggled with the thought of being an addict to because you see I was clean and sober at the time I stumbled upon such a ignorant concept. I wasn't an addict. I wasn't using. He was the addict not me! Well as time went on I began to see just what an addict I was. I wasn't addicted to a substance, but to my husband.

I was addicted to trying to help him get clean, stay clean, to rescuing him and feeling like the hero. I was addicted to the chaos that his addiction brought into our lives. You will learn that the only one you can change is yourself.

I spent endless hours trying to convince him that I knew he was using. I'd go through all the reasons why and how I could tell and what he was and wasn't doing and he spent less then a few quick words to blow it all out of the water. He'd simply say that I was crazy and making stuff up. Then he would jump in his truck and leave. I would sit home and cry and wonder what I had done that was so wrong. Eventually I would call around looking for him and beg him to come home. I would stay up all night and worry about him. Hours of lost sleep. Hours of arguing, crying, blaming, begging, pleading, threatening. Hours turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into years. Things only got worse.

That is until I began to read about enabling. I was shocked to find that all my previous efforts to get my husband to stop using was only adding fuel to the fire. All the things I had done in the name of love was not love at all, but rather enabling.

I learned that I needed to take care of me and let him be. I was no longer to argue, rescue, persecute, blame, beg or any of the things I had done in the past, but now I needed to focus on me and I was the one that needed to change in order to obtain the kind of peace and happiness that I so truly desired. I began walking down the path of recovery with the hopes my husband would change too, but that never happened. Even so I kept walking and eventually separated from him. I can say that today I am truly happy :)

I sit here today and can tell you that you have come to the right place to start your journey. You can and will learn so much here at SR. I would like to recommend a book titled, Codependent No More. By Melody Beattie. Great book and an eye opener.

You can't change him, but if you are here looking for answers that tells me you are desiring a change. Stick around I promise you won't be sorry you did :)

Passion

Yep. I'm the one with the problem. He's told me this a thousand times and it only makes me mad. But now I'm seeing that HE doesn't have a problem with his behavior, I do. I would love to be there for him yo get sober but almost 18 months in "recovery " and I think I've had enough. When I start to feel I have some measure of control of myself he pushes again. I read an excerpt from a book on here last weekend anout the angry and not angry partner. It almost perfectly described us. He pushes and I lose control and then he accuses me of being crazy. What an eye opener. I actually was believing him.

Thank you all for all your words of wisdom.

The hardest part is realizing and accepting there is NOTHING you can do except let go and focus on YOU.

welcome to S.R. you will b great when u make up your mind to leave him. the day will come. i know u can take care of yourself because u have been taking care of all of you for so long. it will b so much easier when it is over. my prayers are with u.

The more I tried to control/fix my daughter ( rationalized my behavior and called it support) , the more out of control I became.