pinkchampagne

I cant go home today like I was supposed to and I talked to my mom and told her part of what was going on and she is really upset and then she had my dad talk to me and he wants me to get on the next flight home but I told them I cant leave until my boyfriend can come with me. They know my boyfriend and they have met him and let him come to our house and spend Christmas, and they helped me move in with him even though they didn’t think I should Not because they didn’t like him but because they thought it was too soon. They like him and they are really confused what is happening but what Ive told them so far is that for a while years ago he used drugs and was with a bad crowd and its haunting him now but he is trying to work it out.

Our week was good except for the day he talked to the police all day. The rest of the week we had a good time and did a lot of normal vacation things and his attorney had asked on his behalf if the police needed anything else from him before he was scheduled to leave and go home and they ignored that call. Friday night we went out to a club and were dancing and having fun, and we came home late and stayed out by the pool and had some drinks and things were good but we were really tired on Saturday. Before we even woke up two cops showed up at his parents house and they wanted to talk with my boyfriend. His dad let them in but said he had to call his attorney before they talked. We had time to get up and get dressed and all that before he came. I was in the room for part of it and they kept asking him things and he just kept saying he didn’t know, or he didn’t remember and one of them was getting insulting and his dad started getting angry, but the attorney made him stop and said they were not getting anywhere and unless they had something else, and then they said something about not being able to question him in a hostile environment and they said he needed to come with them to be questioned at the police station, or they could arrest his dad for interfering or something which I don’t even think was true, but they must have had a right to make him go with them because his attorney said that he would go to the station on his own and they could continue their talk. But they wouldn’t let me go and my boyfriend said it was better that I stayed there with his mom, and he was really upset. That was yesterday and they kept him at the police station all night and he still hasn’t come back.

His dad came home late last night and said they had a right to hold him for questioning and they hadn’t arrested him. They weren’t holding him for anything to do with that girl I don’t think because he said it was something like conspiracy to traffic drugs. His attorney says they have nothing to charge him on but they can hold him maybe until Wednesday or Thursday because of the law. I told my mom I thought it was all a misunderstanding and that everything would be fine. But I didn’t tell here all the rest. I feel beat down and like there is nothing I can do to help him now. His parents did ask me to come and stay in the big house with them last night because I had just been crying all day and she said I looked sick and told me I needed to eat and calm down. I know you all are going to say my parents are right and I should go home and leave him here but if I cant do it right now. I cant leave and not talk to him and so far his dad has said I cant talk to him. But his dad said that my boyfriend asked him to tell me that he loved me and that he was ok. We had such a good time on Friday night and then this happened and his dad says they waited until the weekend on purpose. You guys know all about this stuff so does that sound right to you?

I think even if his dad wont say it that if they are going to charge him with something they will do it tomorrow because its Monday and there is no reason to wait until the end of their time. So if they keep holding him then they know they don’t have anything to arrest him with ,. I mean isn’t that right . If they could have arrested him they would have. His dad says they want him to tell them things and they are trying to scare him and wear him down by keeping him in jail. I think about how he must be feeling and it hurts my heart so bad, he is so sweet and he is not used to all of this. Please don’t start telling me how stupid I am and Lalala because that doesn’t help me even if you feel that way.

Katiekate

Sounds like this is just the beginning. My gut tells me they are holding him becasue they want information from him or they will be arresting him.

Honey, I think you should go home, it doesn't sound good, sounds like you are going to wait it out til Monday, but it might be a good idea to prepare yourself for the worst.

This has been going on all week, it just doesn't sound like nothing to me.

crazybabie

PinkC. I am not even sure what to say anymore, hon. Almost everyone here has said there is more to this than your realizing. They now have him in jail holding him for whatever reason.
They police were right to take him out of the hostile environment to question him.

You do not have all the facts and you keep being told everything will be Ok is it OK??????

Go home to your parents.

pinkchampagne

I have been thinking about what happens if he gets arrested and if he does then I am going to go home because I dont think he will be able to leave here, and that would mean that the police do have proof enough that he did whatever it was. But right now I dont know that and I feel like I cant leave him here like I couldnt even wait and believe in him.

I knew when I came on here I would be told to go home and I understand why your saying that because you have all had bad experiences with lying and being stole from and all the bad things. I didnt expect anythign different I know you feel like your tellign me all the same things so Im sorry keep postign and make you say it again. I feel so bad for him that is all and I love him and dont want him to think Im only here for the good times.

Im hearing you but like someone said maybe I need more time and proof he is lying to me.

laurie6781

Yes you have been told by many in both threads you have started that there
is more to the story. Now you are getting more to the story.

BTW al the addicts know in recovery and that is in the high hundreds, DO
NOT DRINK ALCOHOL as it too is a drug and is addictive. Y'all were out
drinking and dancing?????

Sweetie, please go home, listen to your parents, they do know 'best' in this sit-
uation.

This man, has way too much 'wreckage of his past' to clean up for you to
even be exposed to.

J M H O based on my 31 years of continuous and working with others and
28 years in recovery from being a codependent and working with others.

Love and hugs,

LoveMeNow

His father knows all that is going on, I assume he be will making sure you get on a plane very soon.

I am confused why your not asking his parents what is going on, or are you just not believing them?

Who ever left this girl, hands tied over her head and left her for dead NEEDs to pay the price for that decision. I hope its not your BF, but if it is...are you going to stand by your man through a trial and a prison term? Is your love as strong as you say.

I am sorry Pink but this is a valuable lesson for you. Learn now how to stand on your own and take care of YOU, Not selfishness but but self care. Big difference!!

lightseeker

Pink,

It sounds like you are not even being given all of the information that his parents know (let alone what your BF knows). You are right when you say that there is nothing that you can do to help him at this point. I certainly understand your parents concern because this whole story reeks of really poor life choices in every way.

Since you are determined to stay I guess all that you can do is wait it out. There is a saying in recovery "more will be revealed" and I'm sure that that will happen in this case. You've repeatedly been encouraged to return home and wait for him there but you say that you will not leave until your BF is able to leave with you....so...I guess that his parents home is just where you will be. Worrying and making yourself sick won't change anything that's going to occur - it will only wear you down for whatever will be happening next.

You sound like you have some time on your hands and I hope that you will take some of it to read....not about legal things or substance abusers but codependency. Since you admit that you can't do anything to help him at least you could use your time to help yourself. The more I learned about myself and why I made the choices that I did the less I worried about my now ex husband.

I'm sorry that your BF's parents aren't encouraging you to return home as well.... if my son was in the same boat as your BF I sure would be hating that an innocent young woman was being dragged through all of this as well.

I always feel better when I get some exercise and get out of the house. What are some other things you can do to use this time constructively?

I'm sure that you will have an awful lot of questions for your BF when he gets out. I believe that you are entitled to truthful answers to every single one of them but be aware that the whole story might not be what you are getting - from anyone.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's probably a duck.

lightseeker

BTW.....dating someone is when you LEARN about them and no.....you are not committed to stand by them in the bad times and not just the good times. Dating is a time for discernment. There are no "dating" vows like there are marriage vows. Even in a marriage, there are deal breakers. Also, I saw in your thread on the "women in recovery" forum. More red flags....your gut is trying pretty hard to tell you something.

pinkchampagne

I have talked to his parents, but I don’t know for sure if they are telling me everything and I am doubting them because if there was more they wouldn’t want me to know it maybe, and I don’t think I can completely trust them, but I think they feel that way about me too. Thats why now I think that I have to rely on what the police do because they are more unbiased. Im confused about a lot of things and maybe that is enough reason to leave but it makes me feel very guilty for thinking about going when I cant even talk to him. His parents didn’t give me an opinion on going home. I asked them what should I do, and his mom said he would be sad if I wasn’t here, and his dad said he could be released at any time. But then I know what the lawyer said about how long they could hold him.

I guess one of them would drive me to the airport if I decide to go home. I would like to go home because all of this is too much, but I feel guilty. I know you cant help me with that. Im going to wait until tomorrow and see what happens and I will read some more on here. I will stop bothering you guys because I know its annoying repaeating yourselves and there is nothing more you can tell me. Thanks for all your advice and opinions even if I didnt like some of them in the end you will maybe be right.

I do have a job, and I called today and left a message saying that I wouldn’t be in at all this week because I was stuck out of town. I think my boss will not be real happy, but he will call me probably tomorrow and Ill have to make something up to tell him like my boyfriend had a family emergency and we couldn’t leave or something. I think it will be alright.

pinkchampagne

thank you Lighseeker for all your help a lot of what you have said has made sense to me and I will work on changing my thinking to be stronger and not so emotional and guilty feeling because I am important to.

Windmills

I can see a real change in your thinking pinkchampagne. To me it seems like that coincides with your boyfriend being away from you. For me it was always much much more difficult to see reality with my control freak ex yabbering on at me. I'm not going to comment on what you should/shouldn't do, I've said my bit in other threads and the other ladies have pretty much got it covered in here. But don't stop posting, you're not annoying, it's just sad to see someone travelling the road to heartache that so many of us have walked before you.

LoveMeNow

Pink, your not annoying anyone. Many of have done EXACTLY what you have done. We stayed out of fear, obligation and guilt. (fog) Our mines were so foggy, we couldn't think straight either.

Some are only hard on you to wake up from denial. I was in such denial about my situation (and still am in many ways) that a foghorn was needed.

Be careful please. There is so many "great" things to learn from this situation. If you learn even some of them, this will be a invaluable experience for you.

Heartbroken0608

What good is staying there going to do? There is absolutely nothing you can do in this situation, whether you decide to support him or not, you can do so just as easily from home as you can from his parents living room. You have a job, a family, hopefully friends at home. Your life doesn't have to stop just because he's been detained. And going home doesn't mean you dont love him, it means your life is important too.

Not the same (or even close) but its what I thought of when I read your post. When I was in the hospital I told my husband and kids to go home, go to work/school. I know they love me, they don't have to put their entire lives on hold and sit around staring at me for me to realize that. I was being taken care of, all,was good. Your BF has his family there and his lawyer, he's being taken care of. You are not adding anything whatsoever to this situation by being there but you are losing a lot...trust of your boss, money from work, your parents sanity.

Go home.

Ursula745

Pink, as a manager myself, I will tell you right now that a boyfriend's emergency doesn't constitute an employee missing a week of work. And, if that employee were at all in attendance trouble, documented, and I could not rely on that person to be at work, I would let them go. And, they'd have to be a great liar to pull one over on me. I don't think you could.

You are putting your life, your job, your own self worth on the line for this guy who is not being honest with you. Your feeling guilty is you looking for approval and willing to sacrifice yourself for it. You need to learn to respect yourself and make your own decisions. I think you need to work on getting on solid ground for yourself. You keep asking other what you should do, then not doing it. Why can't you weigh the pros and cons of this and make the best decision for yourself? When will you think about YOU first?

Justfor1

He's being investigated for homocide yet he is still going out to clubs and drinking? Wow, is all I can say. If this trial drags on & on his legal expenses are going to be costing a fortune. Not sure if he is wealthy or not? SR is not allowed to give medical advice and I think or hop legal advice for serious charges. I suspect that's what you are really seeking.

LoveMeNow

I know, and if he is guilty....the word SOCIOPATH (anti social) come to mind.

Vale

Make the very best command decision you can make.
This is your life.You don't get another.Your SR friends are
competent combat tested navigators who have survived situations
where survival is anything but guaranteed----and indeed quite
problematic.
They are the last people who will judge you,look down on you, or
say "I told you so".They will be here for you should your name show up
on the list of casualties of this terrible conflict called addiction.

In the meanwhile,we will all be praying that your name doesn't show up
on that list
====+=========================

cece1960

I think all that is to be said has, and in the interest of everyone I'm closing this thread