Looking for help, guidance and thoughts
 

Hello I'm new to this whole forum thing. But my fiancé is an addict that is struggling with recovery. She told me it could be good for me to come on here for support. I guess I'm just looking for some answers, how can I help her, can I help her. She doesn't want to use anymore but struggles with anxiety and it brings her back to using. She is clean for a couple months at a time. She asked me why I would want to be with her. I just tell her I lover her unconditional and no matter what we will get thru it. She was just using for a week and today she wants to stop, she is withdrawing now. Looking for advice and some guidance. Thank you

((Helpfullover)) - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here. I'm both a recovering addict and a recovering codependent - I have many loved ones who were, or are, addicts.

I used to think I could help others in recovery, then once I became an A (addict) I realized that whether I continued using or chose recovery was my choice. A really good book to read is "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty, al-anon or nar-anon meetings may help, and reading/posting here is very helpful.

My family would not allow me using, and I am grateful for this. They allowed me to face the consequences of my using and all the consequences are what led me to recovery. I'm allowing the A's in my life the same dignity to live their life, even when I don't like it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Helpfullover, Welcome to SR,

She told me it could be good for me to come on here for support
I am impressed with that she obviously knows your gonna need a lot of support and she possibly has read this part of the forum so she may know your not going to like what you hear at times.

I guess I'm just looking for some answers, how can I help her, can I help her

You can't help her I know that is not what you want to hear trust me I didn't wanna hear that either. I have 2 AS (addicted sons) and my husband is an addict.
You can ONLY help yourself.

How can you help yourself? Read the stickies at the top of this forum, post here and attend Nar anon,ala non or Families Anonymous meetings.

I remember when I heard this I was thinking why should I be doing that after all it is the one I love who has a problem not me. As, you read and post you will see why.

Work the recovery program your gonna need the way you would want her to work a program for her.

I agree with Imperrfect, Codependent No More isa great book to read.
We will be here with you and for you during your journey.

I would like to add the three C's

You didn't Cause it
You can't Cure it
You can't Control it

You can't love anyone out of addiction either if we could I do not think any of us will be here. You can possibly prolong her from hitting her bottom by enabling.

So I'm I suppose to let her fall. She doesn't want to use. When does support become enabling? She wants to start school in the fall. She wants to get married but she is scared of hurting me. Ive know of her addiction since we started dating. She has told me many times that if it wasn't for our relationship and our support of each other she never would be this far in her recovery.

I'm not looking to control it. I know I can't. Just want to know if I can help if she wants help?

one answer:

support becomes enabling when you are taking ANY LEVEL of responsibility for the addict/alcoholic's recovery.

that would mean you also are taking responsibility for them being addicted.

read the three C's again.

she has to take full responsibility for her addiction and her recovery.

if she got put in jail would you bond her out?

Yes I probably would. I'm I not suppose too?

Bonding her out would be enabling when we enable we keep the addict from facing the consequences of THEIR actions/choices... the longer we enable can make it much longer before they hit their bottom and hitting their bottom is what it takes for them to get well.

I don't say any of this lightly, I have 2 sons who are addicts and also my husband is an addict. I have been an enabler many times... it took me awhile too understand that and I still have a longways to go in my own recovery.

What do I say to her if at times she tells me that she thinks she doesn't deserve to be with me?

Why do you have to say anything?

She told me it could be good for me to come on here for support. My first response to that was true however when you add

She doesn't want to use anymore but struggles with anxiety and it brings her back to using.

She says she wants to stop yet she has you come to a forum hoping you will stay with her she IMO, is not ready to stop.

I know she hasn't been using "all along". I know when she is using. First of all she tells me and second I can tell. I've been to nar-anon and I've been to NA meetings with her. I thought recovery is a life long battle that never ends, relapses and all.

I know she hasn't been using "all along". I know when she is using
I can't say your wrong about that however I can share my experience. I always thought my AH told me as well and I always thought I could tell if he was using in my case I was dead wrong I later found out not only was he using when I thought he wasn't hewas usingmore things then I knew about.

IMO, in my case he told me"some" things to appease me and maybe even to try and hold onto me.

One thing that took a while for me to understand was that I truly cannot help my son with his addiction, I am simply not qualified to do so. I always thought if I just did X (get him on his feet, help him get a job, help him get into school, make sure he knows how much I love him, etc etc etc) he would wake up and just be able to stop. The truth is it doesn't matter what I do. Until he feels that using drugs is no longer working for him he will not stop. When he does come to that decision I am still not going to be able to help him. I'm not an addiction specialist and have never been through recovery. Just as if he would need a doctor if he had cancer, he will need people trained and knowledgeable in curing addiction to help him through this. I will be there to encourage him in getting well as long as he's taking the steps to do so, but he has to decide to take the steps...not just talk about wanting to.

It's common for drug users to have underlying reasons for taking drugs - anxiety, mental illness, they're bored, etc...doesn't really matter. When they're ready to stop they will find ways to fix the underlying reasons and will find new coping mechanisms for whatever it is that ails them. Does your girlfriend have a support group she attends regularly and a sponsor? A counselor she's working with? Does she want to quit badly enough that she's willing to go to rehab? Is she doing anything to deal with her anxiety issues in a healthy way? These are the some of the things she would be doing if she was really committed to recovery.

You need to decide what things you are willing to accept in a relationship. Do you want to be involved with an active addict? Are brief periods of non-drug use acceptable to you? (notice i didnt say recovery - what shes doing is not recovery). Do you want to be helping her through withdrawals every couple months for the rest of your (her) life? Do you want to get married someday? Have kids? If so, do you want your wife/mother of your children addicted to drugs? Once you come up with the answers to these questions you will be able to explain to her what you are willing to accept in your life and what you're not willing to live with. What she does with that information is up to her.

As others have said, the only way you can "help" is by working on yourself. Learn about addiction and enabling then take action for your own well being. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Good luck!

"So...? "

Just as there is no real we as in " we are pregnant", there is no we in recovery. It's a one man show.