missy1

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend is a recovering addict. He was heavily into opiates when his parents found out in December. After he failed at getting clean on his own his parents pulled him out of school four months ago. We were friends and then roommates before we ever started dating, so we have lived together since the beginning of our relationship. Well, he comes back on Monday, and he seems positive (a little nervous, but happy to be coming back). I am really excited and happy to be starting fresh, but I am also very nervous.

See I started using with him before he left, when it was all fun and games before I realized how bad he was. When he left I started up again, with one of his best friends. That friend has since moved away, and I have been clean since he left (a little over a month ago).

I always made a point to never have any drug dealer's phone numbers, or my own connections. I thought it was a way to protect myself from ever using on my own and turning into an addict (stupid I know). Today was a really terrible day for me for multiple reasons, and I really wanted to get high. As if in answer to my own stupid wish, I saw the only person left where I live that could be a connection to drugs for me today as well. I wanted so badly to stop him and buy drugs, but I didn't. This happened to me once before this month and it really shook me up, so I went to my first NA meeting. It didn't profoundly change me or anything, but it did help, and I didn't relapse. I'm just so so scared because I know I am stronger than my boyfriend, and I don't know what's going to happen when he comes back. What if he's in the same situation and he isn't able to resist?

Monday is looming over me, and I really need some advice on how to handle a recently clean addict coming back into my house. Obviously step 1 is to stay clean myself, but I want to help in whatever way I can (without enabling of course). He knows I will kick him out if he starts using again, and I'm going to try to get him to go to NA meetings (his parents are already making him go to counseling). I feel like this is a unique situation, even for here, but if anyone has any advice it is much appreciated.

Kindeyes

I hope you will commit to your own recovery regardless of what he chooses to do. Recovery is an inside job.

Congrats on one month clean! Keep going back to those NA meetings. They say it works if you work it.......and it does.

gentle hugs
ke

missy1

Thank you, I'm one of the lucky ones. I got smart while I still have a job, and good grades, and still pay all of my bills on time and take care of my animals. I've met so many people who have destroyed their lives and it breaks my heart.

dollydo

Honestly, I really wouldn't be in favor of you two living together at this time. He can go into a SLH, and get back on his feet and focus solely on his recovery.

It is great that you are 1 month clean, however, this is but a drop in the bucket. You really need to keep your focus on your recovery and he needs to do the same.

Just my two cents.

missy1

Well, He is technically my tenant, and he has a lease, so unless I want to evict him, he will be living here (I WILL if he starts using again by the way). He is also starting school again, he only has one semester until he graduates. Basically, his time to focus on recovery was those four months, now its his time to graduate and get into grad school.

I know it's nothing trivial either, but my addiction never got to the point where I let any of my responsibilities slip (almost to the point where I feel as though by calling myself an addict takes away from the people who have bigger problems).

So, those are the parameters I have to work with, and I'm hoping someone can offer me advice on what to do within them.

lesliej

the fact that you are having cravings is a red flag that you two will be likely to cave in together.

often in a recovery plan you are not supposed to hang out with those with whom you used. you will trigger each other...

eviction is a strong word...interesting that you see it that way as Monday looms over you, you know where you are headed. cunning baffling powerful.
recovery doesn't have much to do with luck or smarts at all.

missy1

I don't really understand your last paragraph.

What do you mean see it that way? I mean we are civil people, but he has paid rent and he does have a lease, so technically the only way I could "make" him leave is to evict him. And I have made that to be my bottom line. I told him when he went away that the only way he could come back and live here is if he didn't do drugs any more, because I don't want to go through seeing him destroy himself again, and because it would tempt me.

SeekingGrowth

Good luck on Monday, Missy. I agree with Leslie -- odds are good that you and your boyfriend will relapse together. Opiate addiction is a powerful thing, and it sounds to me as though neither you nor your boyfriend are treating it with the respect it deserves. You said: "His time to focus on recovery was those four months, now its his time to graduate and get into grad school." He's an ADDICT -- and four months clean is saying little, especially if he was doing it in a safe environment like a rehab facility. Now that he will be back in his old world, facing all his old triggers (including you) and with freedom to come and go as he pleases, the real work AND DIFFICULTY begins. If he's not working a program HARD - as in daily NA meetings - I doubt he'll stay clean. And my bet is that eviction won't be an issue because he'll take you right down with him. Unless you are working your own recovery program and going to your own meetings. Sounds to me like you're treating this whole addiction thing too casually, and if you continue to do so, both you and he will be using in no time.