treadingwater

I haven't posted in awhile. Our 23 year old son is still using. We've been in this cycle since we became aware of his alcohol and drug us 5 years ago. The downside is, he has in the last few years escalated to the hard drugs. Heroine, meth, bath salts, vyvance...you name it he will use just about anything to get high. He is on Suboxone and sees his addictionologist once a month. I am seeing this is all a huge GAME of manipulation and just another tool for him to extend his drug use.
Last year his drug use had become so bad that we had to give him a choice to leave or go to rehab. For a short while he decided to leave, when life became truly difficult he cried out for rehab. But now we know the pattern it was really a way to just get a roof over his head and a detox. He did the rehab for a short while, 3/4 house until he moved in with a friend. Of course a fellow user.
Okay this is my delimna he cashed in a trust in January for pennies on the dollar. His credit is so bad he was not able to open a checking account so I let him send it to me, was about 19K. His game plan was for me to pay his rent each month and give him a small allowance. He is barely working part time at a fast food place so he does not have the money to survive. (Does have a felony).
We have his car garaged and we will be damned if we allow him to have it, especially without insurance. So now he is down to about 5K and he is hounding me for money each week. In fact he wants it all. Yes we all know where the money is going.
I know I am sounding so much like an enabler but I know if I give him all the money that he has left he will have it gone in a heart beat. (He did that the last time he had a payout) . I truly worry about what will happen when this mney runs out. I have been hoping and praying he would see the light.

My husband and I know he has been using...it is apparent just by his behavior he is not just on suboxone!!! Dropping weight, not sleeping....
We don't see him often since he lives across town in the "HOOD". Yesterday I met up with him because he wanted money and of course he had a story behind it. He needed the money for a deversion class that he was offered by his probation officer.
At the time I picked him up his cell phone was out of juice. NO SURPRISE, he looked like HELL, heavy eyed etc... I did give him the money and we went round and round. I dropped him of at the train station and I headed back to my side of town. Since his phone was dead he used mine. So this morning I'm noticing that he has signed on to facebook and not signed out. Of course I am A DARN Nosey mom and I ready all the recent private message. My gut is in knots but I'm not surprised.
So now I am ready to call his Dr. and let him know what I know. My son boasts how he pulls the wool over his eyes and passes his drug test so he can get more suboxone and what have you.
A big part of me wants to rip into him and let him know I know for certain what is going on. But I know it wont' matter ....he's already spiraling down and has an I don't care if I die attitude.
My emotions are all over the place...sad, mad as hell you name it. I know that I can not control him. I feel like I'm on this slow train ride of death. I am pissed as hell at him and his druggie friends and I want to tell the entire world. I sick reading about bath salts, rone, shards, hardware, carpet farming yadda, yadda, yadda.

I know that I can not control him. I am just so very sad watching him do this to himself. I do and I don't understand the grip this evil stuff has on our loved ones. I DO want to save him but I know I can't. I BEG GOD to let my son see what he's doing to himself and CARE.
I'm sorry this is so long. I know you all understand and are where I am at or have been there.
I so so don't want to bury a son.

PrayingMama

My 21-year-old son is in detox right now (for the first time) for heroin. I do know how you feel. We have been dealing with this for years, too. The sorrow, anger, confusion, and disgust can feel overwhelming. I have found great help at meetings, Families Anonymous especially, but also Al-anon and NA--I find it helpful to listen to recovering addicts because I want to understand as much as I can about what makes them use, and what makes them enter recovery and work to heal.

The money merry-gp-round is crazy making for everyone involved. I honestly do not feel qualified to offer advice regarding the doctor/prescription situation except to suggest that if you're paying for it, stop. We did that with my son's psychiatrist when we realized that he was not taking the antidepressants--ever--and was selling the anti-anxiety meds to buy street drugs.

I pray you find some peace today. It's always easier to think more clearly when your heart is a little calmer. God knows the anguish you are experiencing. Sometimes it helps me when I'm at the end of my rope to tell God that He has to deal with this situation/person because I just can't any more, and He has to help me let it go. Easier said than done, but worth the prayer.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Treading Water, my heart goes out to you. My 22 AS is off the grid after a large theft from our home. I tried to "control" him by divvying out money for his needs when he got out of rehab into SLE. NOTHING worked. IMHO, I would not give him more money and I would tell the doctor what you found.
I heard a young recovering addict here on SR say his mom told him "I won't help you up but I will help you down". Three years later he is clean and in recovery. Our addicted children are holding our motherly love hostage to their drug usage. It is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done, but I cannot and will not give him another cent while he is in active usage. I dont have a clue where he is, and I am not going to file a missing persons report. My HP is handling this now. I pray for your peace as this type of behavior your son is doing is emotional blackmail.
Hugs,
Teresa

Sleepwell

Dear Treadingwater, I too have a son who is on exactly the same path to self destruction. It is absolutely horrendous to watch and I feel your pain, anger, sadness, and all the other negative emotions that come with it. He is 22 years old. After much reading (including this site) and my husband and I undertaking a 6 week family drug help course, I have come to the conclusion that there really is nothing I can do for him except hope he sees the light one day.

We are in a situation whereby my parents have allowed him to stay at their place in a back room bungalow while they are away travelling for three months and he has decided that the main house is the better option and has broken in. But not just broken in, he has trashed the place including holes in walls, doors, ceilings, etc. They don't even know it yet. My stress level is sky rocketing in anticipation of their homecoming in about 3 weeks. My parents are the enablers, not us any more. And that is the thanks they get from him! We can only hope they see the light.

We asked our son to leave our house a few years back and we do not provide him with any money whatsoever. My contact with him is minimal as I cannot tolerate his behaviour. It's so difficult but for my own sanity, this is the only option.

I wish you, your son and everyone else all the very best.

Take care.

EJG123

I would stop handling his money altogether as soon as possible. Use what you have to pre-pay a few months of his rent, give him the rest of the cash, and then wash your hands of it. If he's getting a paycheck, he can use a cash checking service.

The longer you remain the person he goes to for cash, the uglier it will be when he runs out.

Justfor1

Addictionologists and trained psychiatrists can also be tricked by an addict. They have good intentions but addicts will find a way to get what they want. To the doctors it's a career but to the addict it is "life or death".

treadingwater

I appreciate everyone's heartfelt support and advice. I am in so much turmoil and still have not decided what to do. Our son has no idea that I've read his facebook. It wasn't like we didn't have our suspicions. He even mentioned in one of his facebook private messages that his dad had commented on his weight loss the last time he was at our home. He said he went and weighed himself and couldn't believe he had dropped from 180 lbs to 165 lbs.

If I question him on using drugs and ask what he is using he doesn't adamantly deny it. He's mainly indifferent and just without hope. He has said often that drugs are his life, that he's screwed without drugs.
I get angry and think how can he be that low and without hope. Short of being a diet coke phen I try to relate to his addiction but they are not the same.
I need to decide my next step, there is a part of me that wants to throw the money at him and say go do what you want with it. But then the other part of me says HELL no I am not letting you kill yourself with this money. Either way it's fast or slow.
I was also reading another thread on one of the other forums about tough love and most of the recovering addicts that posted said that they only rebelled more when their parents cut them off. I don't think I have it in me to say I would cut him out of my life.
I do know when his money runs out I will not let him put us/me into debit again. I will not work to pay off his bills this go around!!!

My son is definitely a rebel in terms of choices and can be spiteful, but it's more like okay you peeved me off so now I'm going to go get high. It's just another way of him not taking personal responsiblity and blaming someone or something for his drug use.
I truly think there is a disconnect...he does say he's not wired like us. "ADDICT TALKING POINTS"
I know they are all excuses and ways to push us further apart. In my heart I want to believe deep down he does want to get clean but he's not willing to suffer the consequences of staying clean. Other then his druggy friends he has no friends, no nothing... Ahhh but yes he does have parents that love him and would be there for him if he truly stayed clean.
He says he doesn't care if he dies and talks as if it is iniment. I believe he's lonley and scared, scared because he is in such a hole financially, academically etc... Thinking about all the debt he has incurred and where he is in his young life IS makes me depressed!

I don't know how much more his body can continue to take, the abuse is unbelieveable.
He has been in the hospital for overdosing 3 times and 3 different times for pancreatisis.
You would think he would be scared straight. There was one short occassion he did get scared enough to want rehab and he had a pretty good run of it for about 3 months but then boom decided to throw the towel in. He said it was too hard to stay clean.
I truly appreciate all your thoughts and prayers...
My heart goes out to all Mom's and Dad's that have a child battling alcohol and drugs it is pure HELL.

crazybabie

((((((treadingwater)))) My oldest AS was on disability and I was his payee, things would get very ugly when he wanted cash, I remained his payee to many years out of fear of what may happen. I finally had too let go.None of our local agencies would be his payee so Social security finally gave him the money in his name.

I would worry constantly about him having a large sum of cash at a time that was before I was getting any help for me. Ii understand why your struggling with that decision. I will keep you and yours in my prayers.

laurie6781

(((((treadingwater)))))

I am going to tell you a story. It is a story that I have told repeatedly on this
site when the need arose. It is MY story.

In January of 1979 a family meeting of sorts, was held at my folks house, my
mom was the spokesperson. I was told that they all had had enough. If I
called on the phone they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be shut
in my face and if I attempted to or did steal from them the police would be
called.

Pizzed?? You bet I was. I moved all the way across the country to California.
Now mind you, at 29 I and my family were told that if I continued to drink I
would be dead by 30. That didn't happen, I sure showed him didn't? When
this 'family meeting' occurred I was 33 1/2 years old. They all said ENOUGH
this was MY problem and I was the one who had to fix it.

No, they had not gone to Alanon, I don't believe any of them ever did. They
were all in 'self preservation' mode. They knew they were at the end of their
ropes.

It took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery, and the last 1 1/2 years was
spent living on the streets of Hollyweird. But, I did reach my bottom.

My folks had bailed me out so many times from so many jams. It was so bad
that they paid a particular Attorney a retainer and I was the one that would
call him when another incident would happen where I needed legal advice. I
never paid him a penny, but his bill was always paid in full by my folks. Well,
that and everything else was no more.

The COLD REALITY did slowly seep in over my denial.

I found sobriety on 6/7/81 and 24 hours later in the ER of Olive View Hospital
I died. Matter of fact I died several times that day, and the ER Doc after the
last heart stoppage and trying resucitation for 28 minutes was writing the TOD
on my chart when my heart started on its own. That was my SECOND CHANCE.
That was when MY LIFE STARTED.

I won't go into here what all it took in those early years of recovery, but I will
say it was NO picnic in the park. lol By the time I was coming up on 3 years
sober and clean, Mom, Dad, and I had a pretty good grasp on rebuilding our
relationship. I was able FINALLY to thank my parents for giving me the boost
I needed (literally kicking me out of my family) to start on the road to my
recovery.

I post this to tell you this:

Of all the things my parents did for me, both before and after my recovery,
KICKING ME OUT WAS THE BEST THING DID FOR ME!

Was I angry when they did this? You bet I was! Was I in rebellion mode?
For sure! Was I going to 'show them' they were wrong? Yep again. How-
ever had they not done what they did, I would have been dead a long long
time ago.

When mom and I finally sat down to talk about this, I had finally started to
regain their trust. I asked her what made them/her decide that they had to
do this? She said she knew that she and daddy had reached the point of
"this is enough, I cannot do this any more." She also relayed to me that had
they not done that, she just knew that she and daddy would end up in padded
cells somewhere, it was that bad.

I thanked them both profusely for what they had done for me. That last act
of all their acts was the most important thing that had ever happened to me.
It still remains the most important thing that my folks ever did for me.

Over these many years, of working with others and lots of sponsoring, I have
found that those that had been literally 'thrown out' like I had been, were very
grateful.

Yep that is true for the ones I know and have worked with, but ONLY AT FIRST.
Once they found recovery and the fog started to life they realized just how much
their families did love them to do do the most horrendous act of all .......,,,,,,
disowning them.

I know this will be a hard decision for you, however, by giving him HIS money, and you stop being his banker,
you will bring yourself a great deal of healing and yes
eventually some peace and serenity.

Sending good thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

Love and hugs,

ps: please remember that at all times we are walking with in spirit! You
are not alone.

Kindeyes

I was also tired of the roller coaster ride.....so I decided to get off of it and my life is definitely more peaceful. My son is homeless, jobless, couch surfing, sleeping in his car....I don't know. I've heard from him twice briefly in the last four months.....I was polite but I'm sure, very distant because I feel so disconnected from him. I know I love him but I really don't know who he is anymore.

People who haven't been through this can't understand what drives a mother to totally disassociate from her offspring. People judge them and think (or worse they say) that I didn't try hard enough....that I should keep helping him until he comes to his senses. And it was things like that that kept me engaged.....thinking......if only I did this one thing or said just the right words. If only I loved him more and talked with him.....he would get sober. If only I spent my every last dime sending him to rehabs and risk my financial future....he'll get clean and sober. It is the most desperate feeling.

The thing I didn't realize is that the other people who love ME were watching this happen and it was causing them similar pain. They were watching me self destruct while trying to achieve something that was not within my power to achieve in the first place. Those people began the process of pulling away from ME to stop their own pain.

I was faced with a choice. Continue to "help" someone who didn't want my help (unless it was money or a place to live for free) in the first place......and lose all of the healthy people in my life.......or stop the insanity.......and give my son the dignity to live his life as he chooses whether I agree with it or not.

I had to get to a point that I accept that his lifestyle will eventually kill him......or he'll wind up in jail.......or he'll get sober. Whatever happens to him is more within his control than mine. I don't like that I've had to accept it. But I have and it has brought me peace.

I will always love my son.....but I can't have a front row seat to his self destruction. It's just too painful.

There are many of us here who understand what it means to love someone enough to let them go.

Gentle hugs from another mother
ke

outtolunch

Back when, I nearly bankrupted myself financially, emotionally and physically trying to fix my daughter. It came down to saving myself or die creating opportunities for her and trying to save her from herself. Accepting, really accepting, that I had not control over my daughter and letting go was humbling stuff for me.

Getting of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride was the smartest thing I did.

JMFburns

I was doing crazy things to "help" my son. At one time I had 5 pay day loans open and had pawned my decrepit computer for $25 to give money to my son for whatever outlandish lie he told me he needed money for. . .where was it really going? Drugs. I was so crazy in my own head trying to "help" my son.

I finally realized one or both of us were going down, not going to make it out of this insanity alive. What if I died? Who would be left to take care of my son? How would he survive without me helping him. That was kind of my wake up call . . . if I wasn't here he'd have to live on his own. I didn't control anything.

I struggled every day in love, pain, agony, but took care of myself and started saying "no" to my son. I didn't believe his stories, didn't have money to give him, didn't take his phone calls anymore. I even had to have coworkers/friends wait with me for my bus home because I didn't trust myself if my son approached me on the street.

I love both my children, but have realized through all of this that I did a dang good job of raising them to the best of my ability. It is time for them to stand on their own 2 feet, whatever their choices might be. I have NO control over that.

story74

Dealing with an addict whether your son, husband or father is a roller coaster ride. Anxiety, depression and sadness are there, sometimes more than others. I think I agree with most when you just get to a point you can't take it anymore and let go. But, just because you let go doesn't mean that all the pain immediately goes away. You still have bad days. It is like a death. You miss them. But, you can't take the disappointment any longer. Once you let go, you are able to move on and focus on you and your happinesss. Slowly, it gets better. It is very painful.

lonelystar

yup , to totally understand where your coming from

honestly im not one to baby my children, never have , i myself grew up without a mother so i learned the hard way that YES one can survive indeed, well my AS drug use turned me into a monster , trying to save him and yadda yadda yadda, I have come to the conclusion that id like to detach but lo and behold he doesnt want to grow up, told me so himself ,i believe this is one of his main problems that he keeps using, but hes in rehab now soon will be coming home, im not really hopefully just realistic, honestly im not going to dwell on his drug use if he uses what i want is for him to grow up face his problems and reality and thats what im going to be concentrating on , why should i be in control of a grown mans life, weather its who his friends are, or where he is wasting his money, it just makes no sense whatsoever, lately the person that im upset with the most is myself and ive learned a whole lot about myself since he has been away, wishing you all the best