Mitten2012

I’m pretty nervous about this appointment tonight, communication has never been my strongest quality, I’m very passive aggressive and usually just bottle things up rather than get into an argument…Yes, yes I’m working on this

But tonight will be our first appointment together with our counselor since AH went thru detox, he’s not staying at the house at the moment, I think he wants to come back but not really sure, the first week after detox it was all “sorry’s”, “I love you’s” and how guilty he was, I laid out a few things I’d like him to do before he came home, and he pretty much said he can’t do those things and it hasn’t been discussed again.

This last week he’s been very distant no more confessions of love or discussions about him moving back. I feel like we’re at a standoff, but I don’t think my requests were that unrealistic, in fact, it’s a plan we discussed with our therapist before he went to the rehab so really I just want him to follow thru with what we all agreed on…so I’m very curious/nervous/scared as to what she might say tonight…

Sometimes it feels soo much easier to just pretend everythings alright.

allforcnm

Mitten.

I think I know a little of what you are feeling because my husband is in rehab right now, and I just spent the weekend with him on a pass'.

We have a lot of issues to work out also, and we are both working individually with a family therapist right now. And soon we are going to be having sessions together with the therapist.

Im scared, and Im also very excited at the same time.

I think that you need to be honest about your issues, even if it is painful for both of you. I think he needs to do the same. Im going into this thinking it will be a process and take time, so pace yourself as my dad says.

I hope it goes well for you today.

Endofline

Good luck to you,I hope he hears in your voice the pain he caused and looks in your eyes and remembers what he would be giving up. I feel bad for you even though your way ahead of me my husband doesn't even admit he has a problem, just by your post I sense that things are still very much up in the air. It's like always hoping that things go well but never having any certainty. I know there are no garunteess in life but those of us that deal with addicts really live moment to moment. You deserve more you deserve to have someone you can count on as much as your partner can count on you. But I know what it's like you want it from the person who isn't sure they can do it rather than someone else. Hope it is the beginning of a new chapter for you both.

Mitten2012

Well it didn't go so well, the counselor really laid into him about looking for a job and getting in an exercise routine, he didn't take it well and eventually just got up and walked out.

He's been clean for 3 weeks and says its a daily/hourly struggle for him and takes all his effort mentally and physically, meaning he can't work cuz he's in recovery, he can't exercise to repair his broken body cuz he's in recovery, he can't make any long or short term plans, cuz he's in recovery...

Is it like this for others? Is this how it will always be? Can I never expect anything more from him then to be clean? I'm really not trying to diminish how great a thing that is, and I know it will be a life long struggle, but I also need a partner who contributes financially, emotionally, who wants to live a healthy productive lifestyle AND be clean not ONLY be clean.

Maybe I just need to be more patient...

LoveMeNow

I am so sorry Mitten that things did not go well. Is your husband working any kind of program?

Personally, I think anyone who has lived with an addict, supported them through detox, rehab or w/d's is extremely patient. I don't think your expectations of a relationship are unrealistic at all.

My husband finds keeping busy to be far more helpful as he works on his recovery. Too much idol time for me...is not a good thing either. I agree that "idol time is the devils playground."

I hope you are working on you. Finding your strength and truth will help you make better decisions for YOUR future.

God Bless

allforcnm

Mitten.

Im sorry about your session today. I was wondering after I read your post, was this therapist one you had been seeing on your own for a while?
And were those two things you mentioned items that he had agreed to earlier?

Im no expert on therapy because Ive just started myself, but my therapist I dont think would be that forceful like you implied happened especially not on the first appointment when there is no relationship between dr / patient.

I also dont think you are off base thinking that he needs to view his recovery as just a piece of his life going forward, but it is early for him. Is he involved in a certain type of recovery program ?

I hope things get better for you. My husband is just over 30 days clean so I can realte a little bit to all the emotional stuff going on.

Mitten2012

Thank you friends...he is in an outpatient program thru the rehab he detoxed at and is attending AA.

The therapist is someone we worked with before the detox only a few sessions though, and a strength training program was one of the things he agreed to before detox, but now says he "cant"...I did get a call from the therapist this morning saying she's not sure if she is the best person for us since her specialty is marriage not addiction so she gave me the name of a different counselor who has addiction experience and works with couples.

I’m just soo fricken exhausted, last night was the first night in a long time I actually cried and once I started I couldn’t stop, thank goodness I was alone since I was a blubbering mess, I’m still on the edge today, can barely type this post without my eyes watering, I just feel broken, like I have nothing more to give.

Freedom1990

I went through a 30-day inpatient rehab in 1986. When I was released, I was the single parent of an 8-year-old daughter. My counselor gave me a place to stay temporarily until I got on my feet.

Within a week I landed a job as a full-time CNA at a local nursing home. I was on foot at the time, beat the pavement putting in applications all over town, and I walked back and forth to work the first month of that job until my parents brought my car back to me (they had taken it so my then AH wouldn't use it).

I also managed to attend 4-5 meetings a week, in addition to parenting.

I do not get this mindset I see where newly "recovering" addicts can't focus on anything but recovery.

Part of recovery is getting out there and being the responsible adult we have never been.

Personally I will be eternally grateful for the experience of getting right back out there in the real world after rehab and having to carry my own weight.

Sending you hugs of support.

dollydo

I agree with Freedom, he is an excuse machine, this is a common trait of addicts, in recovery or not. The "I can'ts" always overshadow the "I cans".