Tool or crutch ?

Old 06-13-2012, 03:53 AM
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Tool or crutch ?

Do we use this site for a tool to help us recover for each of our own problems,whatever they maybe alcoholism,substance abuse, co-dependency etc... Or is it a crutch do we wallow in our misery does it somehow keep us connected to the very thing we need let go of.does misery love company like the old saying goes? Does knowing that someone else is just as bad off give us comfort because they can relate or does it make us feel were not as miserable as someone else?
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Old 06-13-2012, 04:15 AM
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oh this is going to be an interesting thread. ( i just wanted to use a smiley face for the first time)

i use it as a tool to try and sort out how I'm feeling and get advise from people who have an understanding and knowledge of an environment that is completely foreign to me. i also like that i can offer my thoughts about areas that i am comfortable sharing in as i may not have ever been involved in drugs or alcohol problems, i have had to deal with my own demons. so its like a give and take. i have received many bits of advise that has let me get through this issue, and now its time to give back a little.
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Old 06-13-2012, 04:49 AM
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For me, SR is a tool I use to cope with my addictions. Sober 1 year 11 months, no crack 9 months, no coffee with lots of sugar since May 22nd, and no cigarettes for 8 days.
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Old 06-13-2012, 04:49 AM
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Knowing someone has lived what I lived or watched what I have brings me no comfort, and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, nor do I wallow in the misery playing that well at least I don‘t go through what they do. It might show me I am not alone, but honestly that isn’t real comforting either…

Others stories can and do become a great distraction for those not ready to work on themselves. A place like this for me will be a learning tool. I am still teachable, and hope to remain that way.
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Old 06-13-2012, 05:38 AM
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Endofline, you must have read my mind. I was only thinking about this yesterday. Why am I always drawn to this site...in the morning, then again at night. I read the posts, I look for answers to our problems. I go to self help classes to learn some more, and everyone there is looking for the same answer. The problem is, it will never be found as nobody has one. Am I going crazy looking for something that doesn't exist?

A crutch or a tool? Probably a bit of both. I actually wonder sometimes if continuously reading the posts is making things worse for me, or better. I sometimes think that the more I read and hear about other people's problems makes me more depressed and confused.
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Old 06-13-2012, 05:54 AM
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Thumbs up

For me, I use SR as an added tool in my
own on going journey in recovery passing
on my own ESH, experiences, strengths and
hopes of what life was like before, during
and after alcohol.

I have to remember what is important in
my life. And what's important is, I can't
keep what I have achieved each day in
living sober if I don't pass it on to others
that are still struggling with addiction.

Getting out of my own selfish thinking and
needs to reach out to help another is a very
humbling experience.

Good topic...!
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Old 06-13-2012, 06:43 AM
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I joined this site at the beginning of 2011 when I was still with my STBXH as I was desperately looking for some hope in the midst of all the insanity I was living in.

None of my normie friends were in this type of situation and 95% of them could not understand the horrors I was putting myself through. What my STBXH was doing to himself and our marriage was unfathomable. I felt a deep shame and so alone that I searched online to find some solace. Thank God for SR!

I read voraciously through both of the alcohol and substance forums morning and night and started to post my story... (I felt it was like a diary but with supportive friends who would comment on them). At times I was infuriated at responses I found to be cold and callous and shot back scathing remarks to soothe myself. I felt I was already living in a hell in real life, I didnt need to also get additional grief from total strangers on a site that was suppose to help me in my time of need.

It took me almost a year to finally "get it" for myself. I feel that "tough love" from those who were seasoned veterans esp. at the beginning of my journey threw me into a bigger depression so I stepped away for a while. I then came back )
(thank goodness) and continued on MY path of recovery despite what others said or didn't say. It helped me get some thicker skin, allowed me to forgive others (and myself) for being human and taught me we are ALL here for the same reason: to find answers. The findings will most likely be not what we want, but rather what we need to survive and eventually thrive.

I thank everyone (tough lovers and wonderful supporters alike). Though sometimes I still see threads that get under my skin, I try not to engage in the anger from the postings. I'm flawed however and have put my foot in it a few times by defending others, its really teaching me some valuable lessons for this forum and real life.

I feel that this site is needed as a crutch in our darkest hours - to read others stories... To know we are not alone. I am with a poster above and also don't wish this crap on anyone so no I'm not comforted by others tragic stories. I do however see that though I lived through my own hell, there are those who fair far worse and I
pray and send good vibes their way. Helped me to stop wallowing in my own muck and start appreciating what I do have in my life.

With my STBXH out of my life, I don't come on here very much anymore but always come in for a refresher when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Well, although he's physically out of my life, he's reared his addictive head a few times since Nov which has resulted in me calling the police on him and having a harassment warning issued at him. He still tries to email me once in a while but I ignore these and come on here for affirmation that I am still on the right path and getting better and stronger in my resolve to divorce as soon as possible (and being happy about it!).

Never in a million years did I ever think I'd get here and it really is because of SR and the people here (everyone) is the reason where I am today.

Thanks SR peeps!
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Old 06-13-2012, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Endofline View Post
Do we use this site for a tool to help us recover ... Or is it a crutch do we wallow in our misery...
I know why I use this site. Why do you use it? Tool or crutch?
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Old 06-13-2012, 07:17 AM
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Some people use it as a crutch. A crutch (which is a tool) to help them stand when dealing with the addict in their life is causing them to feel like they can't stand on their own.

Some people use it as a tool to enhance their own recovery and to learn from others who are farther down the path.

There are two other reasons that were not questioned so let's address them here.

Some people use it as a means of performing their Step 12 work, sharing their ES&H with others.

And some are here for their own personal amusement.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 06-13-2012, 07:25 AM
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Community.
This site, can be a tool or crutch I guess...I feel I am part of a community here.

In my two and a half years with my exABF I talked to a lot of people. A lot of people were patient and kind and supportive. There did, eventually, come a time when I was no longer comfortable calling my recovery community. As much as I was totally frustrated and heartbroken with the repetitive excuses of my ex for why he had used "again"...my family, friends, therapist and sponsor were pretty exhausted with my multifaceted antics that allowed me to stay in such a desperate relationship.

"But I love him..."

I found SR the night that I was having him move out. One more time I had him packing his things...but this time it wasn't just a couple of suitcases, it was all of his belongings. I knew that night that it was the beginning of a process of letting go and grief. I also knew my own patterns, and I was afraid that I would let him back again.

I knew that my community was exhausted. Witness: my long posts! LOL!!

SR...the LIVING BREATHING PEOPLE here...have been a community...and it's 24/7!!! I have needed to be here, to process, to be honest, to avoid total isolation, to respond, to reflect, to share.

In some programs of recovery it is important that you share the message. This is the Experience, Strength & Hope of one another. People who do not have that E, S & H do not have it to share. "Normies" have a hard time understanding how you could love someone who has the horrific behavior of an addict. Normies don't understand the twisting, blaming, justifying, rationalizing, isolating, secretive ways of an addict...or a CODEPENDENT! We need each other to remember, to be open, to share, to respond.

Crutch? Tool? How about Community? People of SR have allowed me to process, and I have held myself accountable here to stay in recovery from my DOC...and my face to face community is thankful that I have this group of people who care.

Now...I can sit back and wait for Cynical One to say the same thing in one sentence! LOL
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Old 06-13-2012, 07:27 AM
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I use it to share my ES&H, and learn from that of others. I'm also working my step one right now and I find posting here helps me to reflect. I'm certainly not wallowing, I'm moving forward all the time.
I know that some members love to sit in their own misery and don't particularly want to move from that spot, but each to their own, the majority of members are on their own journey towards recovery.
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Old 06-13-2012, 07:47 AM
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I came to SR to learn about addiction because I was still thinking it was all him, all his fault. Remove the pills, life would be great again...was still my thinking.

I was full of shame, fear and guilt. I still believed if he really loved me......

What I found was...lots of mind blowing information about addiction, I was not alone, what I was experiencing - wasn't that abnormal for being involved with an addict. I was not crazy or weak but I was very unhealthy.

He was not the only problem. I had lost my true self...trying to save him. I lived in a FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). I needed to have self care and start putting the focus back on me. These things had become foreign to me. I certainly have not been an A student but I am trying...which is still very new for me.

Also, I found hope and inspiration. I have seen such growth (Windmills, awesome job) and I am determined to grow too. I want to be healthy, strong and independent again...with or without him.

Lastly, I think at times, I have spent too much time on SR (for me) instead of reading my books and/or attending a meeting. I like the "social" part of a forum. I have gotten caught up in other posters problems. Its still part of my codependency issues. Also, in the past, I have used the intenet as a form of escape and I am working on this with my therapist. But for now, if I am learning positives steps to work on my recovery, I am ok with it.
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:30 AM
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I use it to find people who can relate to my situation and maybe to find some guidance and advise from others who have had to face the same decisions. I see how it could be a crutch for some and possibly myself, I am aware of this and trying not to use it that way.
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Old 06-13-2012, 09:16 AM
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a tool or a crutch ~ isn't it the same thing?

I looked up the definition of crutch ~ A device used for assistance or support

isn't a tool used for the same?

Just my opinion - we can use this site for many things, a sounding board when we have no one to hear us, a place to gather information on a subject no one wants to talk about, crutch to help us thru the dark times and a tool to help us walk the path before us ~

WE are SoberRecovery ~ we have the ability to make this site what we decide we want it to be ~

For me, it is one of my recovery life-lines and I am grateful.

Just my e, s, & h,

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 06-13-2012, 10:28 AM
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I would have said a tool until I read KE post I do use SR as a crutch (tool) in the way she described as well as a overall tool. I came here looking for a way to fix the addicts in my life
or addict when I first joined I didn't stay long the first round but I am in for the long haul this time.

What I found was not what I was looking for, I found the truth, I am grateful for that. I had to learn the truth in order to get out of denial. I had to know the truth to see I am sick. I have too know the truth in order to get well.

I read more than post lately seeking the ESH which is what lead me to F2F meetings, helps keep me as grounded as I can be at this time.

I also see it as a sounding board if I just need to get something out since everyone in my life is addicted or a RA from some substance. I have no other place well wait yes I do thanks to SR I now also have my meetings and the people from there.

I am grateful for everyone here, the newcomers remind me although minimal I have made progress, those who have found recovery (Yes, it is an on going process) give me hope that if I continue to work hard I will someday have a sense of peace, and the members who are what some call a bit harsh well I know that I need that as well.The people who come from the other side and share I need them as well.

Need sounds so codependent however this need IMO is not out of codependency it is for my benefit so I can live my life best as I can and the way I deserve.
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Old 06-13-2012, 10:44 AM
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For me this site has been a support system, a sounding board, insightful, and a learning experience, I could go on and on. Great place to share ES&H.
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Old 06-13-2012, 11:41 AM
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Wow I would have to say that I find a little of my own story in each and everyone that replied to this post. I am so new to this everyday I feel different emotions at different times of the day. I being honest so please don't posting back that I'm in denial. I know what I am faced with I'm not denying it. I still have feelings for a man that doesn't care for me at all. That I know is why I'm sick and why I'm on this site. Im trying to let go it should be so easy since he is such a **** head to me and I still deep down know I care. I don't let him know this anymore and I don't contact him since he moved out but I know that I would only be fooling myself if I said I didnt still in some sick way care about him. I'm happy to hear from all of you,funny it seems like we are all untied on this post. A few days ago I posted something about money can't buy you love but it can help and many of you seemed more than a little annoyed with me. The thing is we can all have different opinions and still support and help each other through our dark times. Thank you all for sharing.
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Old 06-13-2012, 11:46 AM
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No one is annoyed at you. I can disagree with a person's opinion but it doesn't mean I'm angry with THEM or that I dislike THEM, I just have a differing opinion which I try (sometimes don't quite manage) to put across as respectfully as I possibly can. That I disagree with someone else's opinion is no reflection on my overall feelings about them- it's ok to not agree on everything as long as you don't verbally harm anyone in the process
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Old 06-13-2012, 12:56 PM
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Great post Windmill!

EOL - When I look backed at my life, I found I never really accepted rejection with any grace, understanding or maturity. In fact, it made me want what I couldn't have even more.

In a previous relationship - everyone I knew, including his friends, always wondered what I was doing with him. I even believed it too...in the beginning. Huge EGO!! But he was so nice, so loving, so flattering. I was in love and I knew him "differently" then all the rest.

He was a dry drunk, I just didn't know it. I never had even heard that expression. He had issues in every area including intimacy. I started to think it was me, my fault. I honestly thought "how could this man not be so in love with me, I am the best thing that ever happened to him." Then it got worse, I began thinking "if HE doesn't love and want me, who will?" My self worth had slowly started to deteriorate.

When he started drinking, I moved out and on. I never got healthy though. I still had the "it wasn't me, it was all him" thinking. I was glad I got out relatively quickly (around 8 months) but I wish I knew then what I KNOW today.

I had tried to make someone who couldn't love himself, love me! His love for me or lack of had determined my self worth. Huge mistake. I got rid of him but I had not got rid of my problem. Today, I am working on the problem.

Just something to think about.
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Old 06-13-2012, 01:08 PM
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Also, having feelings for someone who has been a huge part of your life isn't sick. It's OK to be sad and miss him. It's ok to feel anything you're feeling. You have to give yourself a chance.
I'm around here a lot, I'll let you into a secret. Some evenings (I'm in the UK, it's 9pm here) I go very quiet and don't post at all. Know why? Because I'm in pain, I'm missing my ex, I'm on the phone to my sponsor talking it all out- sometimes for 2-3 hours, that woman can seriously talk! I left him almost eight months ago. I'm only maybe a quarter way into dealing with all the **** left behind from our relationship. Noone's perfect, you just have to keep going forward. Sometimes I pause or slow down but as long as I'm not going backwards, it's ok.
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