Advice Needed: Mother-In-Law Enabling Brother-In-Law Affecting "MY" Young Family
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Advice Needed: Mother-In-Law Enabling Brother-In-Law Affecting "MY" Young Family
Hello all...this is my first post to this site.
My brother in law is a 25-year-old Heroin addict and has been addicted to various opiates for the past 7 years. I’ve known him for 10 years and have watched him destroy his life and his family, particularly his mother.
He picked up a pill habit in high school and over the years has progressively gotten a larger habit and at this point is a full-blown IV Heroin addict. About 3 years ago he began to inject and that is when his behaviors escalated and now at this point he is on the edge of death.
The biggest problem is his mother who is a “Class A” enabler. A few years ago mom and dad got separated/divorced and consequently was the perfect excuse for my BIL to escalate his use. He has always played the victim card and uses every difficult situation life brings to use/get high. Growing up he had everything handed to him as his parents had money and he never worked hard for it. His parents did him a major disservice the way they raised him and I know for a fact that plays into why he is the way he is now.
After the separation mom moved into her own apartment and the fact that this man-child has no job, responsibility or the life tools to live on his own, moved in with her. This is the point that the enabling skyrocketed because dad would not buy into the ******** in the past but now that he is out of the picture he knew he could play mom for a fool.
A ton of BS went on leading up to these past few years but honestly I want to stick to the point. As most addicts, they are very good at deception, manipulation and scamming for their needs. My BIL does this with every word that comes out of his mouth. The problem is that mom believes or wants to believe or trust him at his word. No matter how illogical the story seems she cannot prevent herself from allowing him to mold the story in such a way that she finally just believes it. Whenever my wife or I get wind of his stories (mom tells my wife) we immediately warn her that the story doesn’t make sense and that every story has a common denominator…Money! He also is a professional thief and has literally stolen everything in her house and pawned it…when I say everything I mean everything and lately he has taken her vacuum, kitchen appliances and furniture. The only things left in her home are too heavy or big but eventually he will just get his friends to help him. It is the saddest thing to watch your MIL live like a prisoner but at the same time I can’t feel sympathy because she keeps letting this happen to her. Even after mom realizes she’s been scammed she continues to fall into the same traps, and she will kick him out for a few hours only to let him back in once the rain falls or he comes crying back (guilt trip) telling her he’ll go to rehab or never do it again. It is absolutely mind-blowing to watch this insanity between the two of them. Mom puts forth no effort to research drug addiction even when we try to explain the severity of it and the fact that her child will eventually kill himself or be killed. I swear she thinks this is just some High School ********, even though he is 25 years old and this has been going on for 7 years strong. It’s some deep psychological denial. I have suggested she seek counseling and go to Naranon meetings to help her understand what she is dealing with and perhaps give her the strength to face the problem but she just ignores me and the problem. Various times I have told her when he gets arrested to not bail him out or she should call the police for the stealing to get him in court rehab, but every time he makes her feel guilty and threatens his safety to get her to do what he wants (give me money to pay off cops or they’ll arrest me) Yes..the stories are absolutely comical to believe she actually buys them! I could write a whole book on these crazy stories that make no sense.
I absolutely understand that kicking your child out is one of the hardest things a parent can do. I haven’t experienced this myself but she should realize that an even harder thing to do is to bury your child.
At this point my focus is to protect my family from him. He stole 3K worth of jewelry from his sister (my wife) 4 years ago, which we got back from the pawnshop, but after that incident we laid down the law that he was not welcome in my home or welcome to any of my possessions. Since doing that he hasn’t been able to steal from us again. I will not allow or be victim to him nor be an enabler.
Now I have a young child who I do not want near him at all, but MIL and wife make my wishes difficult to keep. They both downplay the dangers a drug addict poses because they still see him as the little boy they knew. I see a threat to the safety of my child. So whenever I make efforts to block being around him I get flak from them saying that I’m overreacting. This immediately enrages me and causes stress between my wife and I, which is where his drug use affects me directly. They are in a cloud of HOPE with him and I am looking at him in reality. He knows he can’t ******** me and he knows I know what’s really going on. What really pisses me off is when I watch him scamming them and how he still walks around like he’s the popular kid in high school looking all ghetto and cool guy-ish…. I literally want to beat the crap out of him and just totally burn him (call him out ☺) in front of everyone. He doesn’t even realize he is a 25 year old loser that lives with mommy with no job, girl, possessions etc. etc.
Question: My wife’s family takes a 1-week vacation each year out of state. He is on probation and I have a police detective in my family who has told me that he has an active bench warrant for absconding his probation a couple months ago. Because he is a non-violent offender they haven’t pressed to pick him up. However he has a trial coming up this month and since he hasn’t turned himself in so far he will likely miss this new trial for probation violation charge and come after him. My hope is that he gets locked up before this vacation because when he goes on this trip I am the one who has to babysit him to ensure he doesn’t steal from everyone in the house. As I mentioned before he is a class A thief and will steal anything if given the chance. Mom and wife tend to trust him, which always ends badly. So I am the one that has to lock my suitcases, I am the one who has to stay back at the house if he stays back (can’t leave him alone) and I am the one who has to be even more vigilant in watching my child in the house (dropped pills, needles, dope baggies, etc.) Now mom is not 100% on going this year which would mean he wouldn’t go but if she does go he has to go too because mom is afraid to leave him alone in her house.
I have told my wife that he should not go and there is no reason for him to go on vacation (no job and no one likes him in the family)and he is on probation. She agrees with me but says her mom wont listen to her or any of the concerns. I feel like mom should deal with the consequences of enabling her son and not put the rest of the family in a bad situation caused by both of their actions. Mom knows he can’t leave state on probation but he has already started his scam her by telling her that he requested to get off probation early (conveniently right before vacation)! Which is the complete opposite of reality (warrant, probation violation)!
Question: He is on probation and has an active warrant so he cannot leave the state without asking. Obviously with the warrant for a probation violation he would get either locked up or be monitored a lot closer than he is now. Would you notify the Sheriffs/Probation office and let them know he intends to leave the state which would hopefully get him picked up before the vacation to ensure he wasn’t going or would you hope that the system catches up to him on its own to avoid becoming involved (revenge against me from him)?
The best thing that could happen to him at this point is to get court-mandated rehab or get locked up and be forced to face his addiction. The only other option aside from that is death.
It’s tough in my situation because I’m stuck on the outside of “their” family issues when it comes to making decisions or helping but the fact is I’m affected by all of this just as much via my wife. I'm really wanting him to get put into the system to save his life because I feel like everyone else is just "hoping" things get better. Unlike them, I see a opportunity here to get him the help he needs but I don't want to risk hurting my relationship with my wife by doing something behind her back like telling on him...I just know that if I went to them and told them I was going to inform his probation officer they would resist me and continue to protect him.
Appreciate any feedback or if anyone has been in the same situation and maybe it worked out or maybe you regret getting involved more deeply.
My brother in law is a 25-year-old Heroin addict and has been addicted to various opiates for the past 7 years. I’ve known him for 10 years and have watched him destroy his life and his family, particularly his mother.
He picked up a pill habit in high school and over the years has progressively gotten a larger habit and at this point is a full-blown IV Heroin addict. About 3 years ago he began to inject and that is when his behaviors escalated and now at this point he is on the edge of death.
The biggest problem is his mother who is a “Class A” enabler. A few years ago mom and dad got separated/divorced and consequently was the perfect excuse for my BIL to escalate his use. He has always played the victim card and uses every difficult situation life brings to use/get high. Growing up he had everything handed to him as his parents had money and he never worked hard for it. His parents did him a major disservice the way they raised him and I know for a fact that plays into why he is the way he is now.
After the separation mom moved into her own apartment and the fact that this man-child has no job, responsibility or the life tools to live on his own, moved in with her. This is the point that the enabling skyrocketed because dad would not buy into the ******** in the past but now that he is out of the picture he knew he could play mom for a fool.
A ton of BS went on leading up to these past few years but honestly I want to stick to the point. As most addicts, they are very good at deception, manipulation and scamming for their needs. My BIL does this with every word that comes out of his mouth. The problem is that mom believes or wants to believe or trust him at his word. No matter how illogical the story seems she cannot prevent herself from allowing him to mold the story in such a way that she finally just believes it. Whenever my wife or I get wind of his stories (mom tells my wife) we immediately warn her that the story doesn’t make sense and that every story has a common denominator…Money! He also is a professional thief and has literally stolen everything in her house and pawned it…when I say everything I mean everything and lately he has taken her vacuum, kitchen appliances and furniture. The only things left in her home are too heavy or big but eventually he will just get his friends to help him. It is the saddest thing to watch your MIL live like a prisoner but at the same time I can’t feel sympathy because she keeps letting this happen to her. Even after mom realizes she’s been scammed she continues to fall into the same traps, and she will kick him out for a few hours only to let him back in once the rain falls or he comes crying back (guilt trip) telling her he’ll go to rehab or never do it again. It is absolutely mind-blowing to watch this insanity between the two of them. Mom puts forth no effort to research drug addiction even when we try to explain the severity of it and the fact that her child will eventually kill himself or be killed. I swear she thinks this is just some High School ********, even though he is 25 years old and this has been going on for 7 years strong. It’s some deep psychological denial. I have suggested she seek counseling and go to Naranon meetings to help her understand what she is dealing with and perhaps give her the strength to face the problem but she just ignores me and the problem. Various times I have told her when he gets arrested to not bail him out or she should call the police for the stealing to get him in court rehab, but every time he makes her feel guilty and threatens his safety to get her to do what he wants (give me money to pay off cops or they’ll arrest me) Yes..the stories are absolutely comical to believe she actually buys them! I could write a whole book on these crazy stories that make no sense.
I absolutely understand that kicking your child out is one of the hardest things a parent can do. I haven’t experienced this myself but she should realize that an even harder thing to do is to bury your child.
At this point my focus is to protect my family from him. He stole 3K worth of jewelry from his sister (my wife) 4 years ago, which we got back from the pawnshop, but after that incident we laid down the law that he was not welcome in my home or welcome to any of my possessions. Since doing that he hasn’t been able to steal from us again. I will not allow or be victim to him nor be an enabler.
Now I have a young child who I do not want near him at all, but MIL and wife make my wishes difficult to keep. They both downplay the dangers a drug addict poses because they still see him as the little boy they knew. I see a threat to the safety of my child. So whenever I make efforts to block being around him I get flak from them saying that I’m overreacting. This immediately enrages me and causes stress between my wife and I, which is where his drug use affects me directly. They are in a cloud of HOPE with him and I am looking at him in reality. He knows he can’t ******** me and he knows I know what’s really going on. What really pisses me off is when I watch him scamming them and how he still walks around like he’s the popular kid in high school looking all ghetto and cool guy-ish…. I literally want to beat the crap out of him and just totally burn him (call him out ☺) in front of everyone. He doesn’t even realize he is a 25 year old loser that lives with mommy with no job, girl, possessions etc. etc.
Question: My wife’s family takes a 1-week vacation each year out of state. He is on probation and I have a police detective in my family who has told me that he has an active bench warrant for absconding his probation a couple months ago. Because he is a non-violent offender they haven’t pressed to pick him up. However he has a trial coming up this month and since he hasn’t turned himself in so far he will likely miss this new trial for probation violation charge and come after him. My hope is that he gets locked up before this vacation because when he goes on this trip I am the one who has to babysit him to ensure he doesn’t steal from everyone in the house. As I mentioned before he is a class A thief and will steal anything if given the chance. Mom and wife tend to trust him, which always ends badly. So I am the one that has to lock my suitcases, I am the one who has to stay back at the house if he stays back (can’t leave him alone) and I am the one who has to be even more vigilant in watching my child in the house (dropped pills, needles, dope baggies, etc.) Now mom is not 100% on going this year which would mean he wouldn’t go but if she does go he has to go too because mom is afraid to leave him alone in her house.
I have told my wife that he should not go and there is no reason for him to go on vacation (no job and no one likes him in the family)and he is on probation. She agrees with me but says her mom wont listen to her or any of the concerns. I feel like mom should deal with the consequences of enabling her son and not put the rest of the family in a bad situation caused by both of their actions. Mom knows he can’t leave state on probation but he has already started his scam her by telling her that he requested to get off probation early (conveniently right before vacation)! Which is the complete opposite of reality (warrant, probation violation)!
Question: He is on probation and has an active warrant so he cannot leave the state without asking. Obviously with the warrant for a probation violation he would get either locked up or be monitored a lot closer than he is now. Would you notify the Sheriffs/Probation office and let them know he intends to leave the state which would hopefully get him picked up before the vacation to ensure he wasn’t going or would you hope that the system catches up to him on its own to avoid becoming involved (revenge against me from him)?
The best thing that could happen to him at this point is to get court-mandated rehab or get locked up and be forced to face his addiction. The only other option aside from that is death.
It’s tough in my situation because I’m stuck on the outside of “their” family issues when it comes to making decisions or helping but the fact is I’m affected by all of this just as much via my wife. I'm really wanting him to get put into the system to save his life because I feel like everyone else is just "hoping" things get better. Unlike them, I see a opportunity here to get him the help he needs but I don't want to risk hurting my relationship with my wife by doing something behind her back like telling on him...I just know that if I went to them and told them I was going to inform his probation officer they would resist me and continue to protect him.
Appreciate any feedback or if anyone has been in the same situation and maybe it worked out or maybe you regret getting involved more deeply.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Don't go there.
He isn't interested in getting the help "he needs" or he would get it.
Even though you're "stuck on the outside of “their” family issues", you are firmly planted on the inside and in charge of your direct family issues.
If your boundary is "I don't take vacations with drug addicts and neither do my children", plan to go somewhere else if he's going.
Doesn't matter if mom gets upset, and since wife isn't clear-headed about the situation, she will just need to deal with it as well.
Protect yourself and your children from the addicts and enablers.
He isn't interested in getting the help "he needs" or he would get it.
Even though you're "stuck on the outside of “their” family issues", you are firmly planted on the inside and in charge of your direct family issues.
If your boundary is "I don't take vacations with drug addicts and neither do my children", plan to go somewhere else if he's going.
Doesn't matter if mom gets upset, and since wife isn't clear-headed about the situation, she will just need to deal with it as well.
Protect yourself and your children from the addicts and enablers.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by stuck7 
At this point my focus is to protect my family from him.
Terrific idea.
My hope is that he gets locked up before this vacation because when he goes on this trip I am the one who has to babysit him to ensure he doesn’t steal from everyone in the house. So I am the one that has to lock my suitcases, I am the one who has to stay back at the house if he stays back (can’t leave him alone) and I am the one who has to be even more vigilant in watching my child in the house (dropped pills, needles, dope baggies, etc.)
Terrific idea.
My hope is that he gets locked up before this vacation because when he goes on this trip I am the one who has to babysit him to ensure he doesn’t steal from everyone in the house. So I am the one that has to lock my suitcases, I am the one who has to stay back at the house if he stays back (can’t leave him alone) and I am the one who has to be even more vigilant in watching my child in the house (dropped pills, needles, dope baggies, etc.)
Have you considered Alanon for yourself?
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Out of ALL this mess there are only two things you have any remote chance of controlling:
1) Exposing your children to the addict
2) Allowing the addict into your home
If you don't want to play babysitter, then don't go on the vacation.
If you don't want the children to be around him, then make other plans.
If your wife disagrees with you and is stubborn enough to take the kids anyway, you have bigger issues than just the addict and they should be addressed.
All the rest of it -- your MIL and wife's relationship with the addict -- are way beyond your control.
Do some reading here about "boundaries"....then get you some.
1) Exposing your children to the addict
2) Allowing the addict into your home
If you don't want to play babysitter, then don't go on the vacation.
If you don't want the children to be around him, then make other plans.
If your wife disagrees with you and is stubborn enough to take the kids anyway, you have bigger issues than just the addict and they should be addressed.
All the rest of it -- your MIL and wife's relationship with the addict -- are way beyond your control.
Do some reading here about "boundaries"....then get you some.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
Appreciate the feedback...and I agree with most of it. I set my boundary a long time ago to not try to control the relationships between my wife, MIL & BIL.
I'm merely am frustrated to watch them mishandle this whole thing (IMO). This isn't all really about getting my BIL in trouble so that I won't have to deal with him on vacation, thats part of it but the main goal is to at least force him to deal with his addiction via consequence (court ordered help). I dont think he really wants to stop using but I don't think he's been forced to really question it.
Even though I despise him now for how he has hurt my wife and family I do want to have him back in my life. Before he started down this path I treated him like a little brother in his early teens and we acted like true brothers and I miss that. I catch glimpses of the good times when we do see each other at family events and joke around, but the fun sooner or later reverts back to him being all f'd up.
My wife and I have decided that this will be the last time we go on this family trip and if we ever do go with MIL & BIL we will not be in the same rental home. I agree that I can really only control MY child and MY home.
I guess if I do have to see him on this vacation I can use it as an opportunity to talk to him.
I'm merely am frustrated to watch them mishandle this whole thing (IMO). This isn't all really about getting my BIL in trouble so that I won't have to deal with him on vacation, thats part of it but the main goal is to at least force him to deal with his addiction via consequence (court ordered help). I dont think he really wants to stop using but I don't think he's been forced to really question it.
Even though I despise him now for how he has hurt my wife and family I do want to have him back in my life. Before he started down this path I treated him like a little brother in his early teens and we acted like true brothers and I miss that. I catch glimpses of the good times when we do see each other at family events and joke around, but the fun sooner or later reverts back to him being all f'd up.
My wife and I have decided that this will be the last time we go on this family trip and if we ever do go with MIL & BIL we will not be in the same rental home. I agree that I can really only control MY child and MY home.
I guess if I do have to see him on this vacation I can use it as an opportunity to talk to him.
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Join Date: Apr 2024
Posts: 1
Relatable
Originally Posted by stuck7
Hello all...this is my first post to this site.
My brother in law is a 25-year-old Heroin addict and has been addicted to various opiates for the past 7 years. I’ve known him for 10 years and have watched him destroy his life and his family, particularly his mother.
He picked up a pill habit in high school and over the years has progressively gotten a larger habit and at this point is a full-blown IV Heroin addict. About 3 years ago he began to inject and that is when his behaviors escalated and now at this point he is on the edge of death.
The biggest problem is his mother who is a “Class A” enabler. A few years ago mom and dad got separated/divorced and consequently was the perfect excuse for my BIL to escalate his use. He has always played the victim card and uses every difficult situation life brings to use/get high. Growing up he had everything handed to him as his parents had money and he never worked hard for it. His parents did him a major disservice the way they raised him and I know for a fact that plays into why he is the way he is now.
After the separation mom moved into her own apartment and the fact that this man-child has no job, responsibility or the life tools to live on his own, moved in with her. This is the point that the enabling skyrocketed because dad would not buy into the ******** in the past but now that he is out of the picture he knew he could play mom for a fool.
A ton of BS went on leading up to these past few years but honestly I want to stick to the point. As most addicts, they are very good at deception, manipulation and scamming for their needs. My BIL does this with every word that comes out of his mouth. The problem is that mom believes or wants to believe or trust him at his word. No matter how illogical the story seems she cannot prevent herself from allowing him to mold the story in such a way that she finally just believes it. Whenever my wife or I get wind of his stories (mom tells my wife) we immediately warn her that the story doesn’t make sense and that every story has a common denominator…Money! He also is a professional thief and has literally stolen everything in her house and pawned it…when I say everything I mean everything and lately he has taken her vacuum, kitchen appliances and furniture. The only things left in her home are too heavy or big but eventually he will just get his friends to help him. It is the saddest thing to watch your MIL live like a prisoner but at the same time I can’t feel sympathy because she keeps letting this happen to her. Even after mom realizes she’s been scammed she continues to fall into the same traps, and she will kick him out for a few hours only to let him back in once the rain falls or he comes crying back (guilt trip) telling her he’ll go to rehab or never do it again. It is absolutely mind-blowing to watch this insanity between the two of them. Mom puts forth no effort to research drug addiction even when we try to explain the severity of it and the fact that her child will eventually kill himself or be killed. I swear she thinks this is just some High School ********, even though he is 25 years old and this has been going on for 7 years strong. It’s some deep psychological denial. I have suggested she seek counseling and go to Naranon meetings to help her understand what she is dealing with and perhaps give her the strength to face the problem but she just ignores me and the problem. Various times I have told her when he gets arrested to not bail him out or she should call the police for the stealing to get him in court rehab, but every time he makes her feel guilty and threatens his safety to get her to do what he wants (give me money to pay off cops or they’ll arrest me) Yes..the stories are absolutely comical to believe she actually buys them! I could write a whole book on these crazy stories that make no sense.
I absolutely understand that kicking your child out is one of the hardest things a parent can do. I haven’t experienced this myself but she should realize that an even harder thing to do is to bury your child.
At this point my focus is to protect my family from him. He stole 3K worth of jewelry from his sister (my wife) 4 years ago, which we got back from the pawnshop, but after that incident we laid down the law that he was not welcome in my home or welcome to any of my possessions. Since doing that he hasn’t been able to steal from us again. I will not allow or be victim to him nor be an enabler.
Now I have a young child who I do not want near him at all, but MIL and wife make my wishes difficult to keep. They both downplay the dangers a drug addict poses because they still see him as the little boy they knew. I see a threat to the safety of my child. So whenever I make efforts to block being around him I get flak from them saying that I’m overreacting. This immediately enrages me and causes stress between my wife and I, which is where his drug use affects me directly. They are in a cloud of HOPE with him and I am looking at him in reality. He knows he can’t ******** me and he knows I know what’s really going on. What really pisses me off is when I watch him scamming them and how he still walks around like he’s the popular kid in high school looking all ghetto and cool guy-ish…. I literally want to beat the crap out of him and just totally burn him (call him out ☺) in front of everyone. He doesn’t even realize he is a 25 year old loser that lives with mommy with no job, girl, possessions etc. etc.
Question: My wife’s family takes a 1-week vacation each year out of state. He is on probation and I have a police detective in my family who has told me that he has an active bench warrant for absconding his probation a couple months ago. Because he is a non-violent offender they haven’t pressed to pick him up. However he has a trial coming up this month and since he hasn’t turned himself in so far he will likely miss this new trial for probation violation charge and come after him. My hope is that he gets locked up before this vacation because when he goes on this trip I am the one who has to babysit him to ensure he doesn’t steal from everyone in the house. As I mentioned before he is a class A thief and will steal anything if given the chance. Mom and wife tend to trust him, which always ends badly. So I am the one that has to lock my suitcases, I am the one who has to stay back at the house if he stays back (can’t leave him alone) and I am the one who has to be even more vigilant in watching my child in the house (dropped pills, needles, dope baggies, etc.) Now mom is not 100% on going this year which would mean he wouldn’t go but if she does go he has to go too because mom is afraid to leave him alone in her house.
I have told my wife that he should not go and there is no reason for him to go on vacation (no job and no one likes him in the family)and he is on probation. She agrees with me but says her mom wont listen to her or any of the concerns. I feel like mom should deal with the consequences of enabling her son and not put the rest of the family in a bad situation caused by both of their actions. Mom knows he can’t leave state on probation but he has already started his scam her by telling her that he requested to get off probation early (conveniently right before vacation)! Which is the complete opposite of reality (warrant, probation violation)!
Question: He is on probation and has an active warrant so he cannot leave the state without asking. Obviously with the warrant for a probation violation he would get either locked up or be monitored a lot closer than he is now. Would you notify the Sheriffs/Probation office and let them know he intends to leave the state which would hopefully get him picked up before the vacation to ensure he wasn’t going or would you hope that the system catches up to him on its own to avoid becoming involved (revenge against me from him)?
The best thing that could happen to him at this point is to get court-mandated rehab or get locked up and be forced to face his addiction. The only other option aside from that is death.
It’s tough in my situation because I’m stuck on the outside of “their” family issues when it comes to making decisions or helping but the fact is I’m affected by all of this just as much via my wife. I'm really wanting him to get put into the system to save his life because I feel like everyone else is just "hoping" things get better. Unlike them, I see a opportunity here to get him the help he needs but I don't want to risk hurting my relationship with my wife by doing something behind her back like telling on him...I just know that if I went to them and told them I was going to inform his probation officer they would resist me and continue to protect him.
Appreciate any feedback or if anyone has been in the same situation and maybe it worked out or maybe you regret getting involved more deeply.
My brother in law is a 25-year-old Heroin addict and has been addicted to various opiates for the past 7 years. I’ve known him for 10 years and have watched him destroy his life and his family, particularly his mother.
He picked up a pill habit in high school and over the years has progressively gotten a larger habit and at this point is a full-blown IV Heroin addict. About 3 years ago he began to inject and that is when his behaviors escalated and now at this point he is on the edge of death.
The biggest problem is his mother who is a “Class A” enabler. A few years ago mom and dad got separated/divorced and consequently was the perfect excuse for my BIL to escalate his use. He has always played the victim card and uses every difficult situation life brings to use/get high. Growing up he had everything handed to him as his parents had money and he never worked hard for it. His parents did him a major disservice the way they raised him and I know for a fact that plays into why he is the way he is now.
After the separation mom moved into her own apartment and the fact that this man-child has no job, responsibility or the life tools to live on his own, moved in with her. This is the point that the enabling skyrocketed because dad would not buy into the ******** in the past but now that he is out of the picture he knew he could play mom for a fool.
A ton of BS went on leading up to these past few years but honestly I want to stick to the point. As most addicts, they are very good at deception, manipulation and scamming for their needs. My BIL does this with every word that comes out of his mouth. The problem is that mom believes or wants to believe or trust him at his word. No matter how illogical the story seems she cannot prevent herself from allowing him to mold the story in such a way that she finally just believes it. Whenever my wife or I get wind of his stories (mom tells my wife) we immediately warn her that the story doesn’t make sense and that every story has a common denominator…Money! He also is a professional thief and has literally stolen everything in her house and pawned it…when I say everything I mean everything and lately he has taken her vacuum, kitchen appliances and furniture. The only things left in her home are too heavy or big but eventually he will just get his friends to help him. It is the saddest thing to watch your MIL live like a prisoner but at the same time I can’t feel sympathy because she keeps letting this happen to her. Even after mom realizes she’s been scammed she continues to fall into the same traps, and she will kick him out for a few hours only to let him back in once the rain falls or he comes crying back (guilt trip) telling her he’ll go to rehab or never do it again. It is absolutely mind-blowing to watch this insanity between the two of them. Mom puts forth no effort to research drug addiction even when we try to explain the severity of it and the fact that her child will eventually kill himself or be killed. I swear she thinks this is just some High School ********, even though he is 25 years old and this has been going on for 7 years strong. It’s some deep psychological denial. I have suggested she seek counseling and go to Naranon meetings to help her understand what she is dealing with and perhaps give her the strength to face the problem but she just ignores me and the problem. Various times I have told her when he gets arrested to not bail him out or she should call the police for the stealing to get him in court rehab, but every time he makes her feel guilty and threatens his safety to get her to do what he wants (give me money to pay off cops or they’ll arrest me) Yes..the stories are absolutely comical to believe she actually buys them! I could write a whole book on these crazy stories that make no sense.
I absolutely understand that kicking your child out is one of the hardest things a parent can do. I haven’t experienced this myself but she should realize that an even harder thing to do is to bury your child.
At this point my focus is to protect my family from him. He stole 3K worth of jewelry from his sister (my wife) 4 years ago, which we got back from the pawnshop, but after that incident we laid down the law that he was not welcome in my home or welcome to any of my possessions. Since doing that he hasn’t been able to steal from us again. I will not allow or be victim to him nor be an enabler.
Now I have a young child who I do not want near him at all, but MIL and wife make my wishes difficult to keep. They both downplay the dangers a drug addict poses because they still see him as the little boy they knew. I see a threat to the safety of my child. So whenever I make efforts to block being around him I get flak from them saying that I’m overreacting. This immediately enrages me and causes stress between my wife and I, which is where his drug use affects me directly. They are in a cloud of HOPE with him and I am looking at him in reality. He knows he can’t ******** me and he knows I know what’s really going on. What really pisses me off is when I watch him scamming them and how he still walks around like he’s the popular kid in high school looking all ghetto and cool guy-ish…. I literally want to beat the crap out of him and just totally burn him (call him out ☺) in front of everyone. He doesn’t even realize he is a 25 year old loser that lives with mommy with no job, girl, possessions etc. etc.
Question: My wife’s family takes a 1-week vacation each year out of state. He is on probation and I have a police detective in my family who has told me that he has an active bench warrant for absconding his probation a couple months ago. Because he is a non-violent offender they haven’t pressed to pick him up. However he has a trial coming up this month and since he hasn’t turned himself in so far he will likely miss this new trial for probation violation charge and come after him. My hope is that he gets locked up before this vacation because when he goes on this trip I am the one who has to babysit him to ensure he doesn’t steal from everyone in the house. As I mentioned before he is a class A thief and will steal anything if given the chance. Mom and wife tend to trust him, which always ends badly. So I am the one that has to lock my suitcases, I am the one who has to stay back at the house if he stays back (can’t leave him alone) and I am the one who has to be even more vigilant in watching my child in the house (dropped pills, needles, dope baggies, etc.) Now mom is not 100% on going this year which would mean he wouldn’t go but if she does go he has to go too because mom is afraid to leave him alone in her house.
I have told my wife that he should not go and there is no reason for him to go on vacation (no job and no one likes him in the family)and he is on probation. She agrees with me but says her mom wont listen to her or any of the concerns. I feel like mom should deal with the consequences of enabling her son and not put the rest of the family in a bad situation caused by both of their actions. Mom knows he can’t leave state on probation but he has already started his scam her by telling her that he requested to get off probation early (conveniently right before vacation)! Which is the complete opposite of reality (warrant, probation violation)!
Question: He is on probation and has an active warrant so he cannot leave the state without asking. Obviously with the warrant for a probation violation he would get either locked up or be monitored a lot closer than he is now. Would you notify the Sheriffs/Probation office and let them know he intends to leave the state which would hopefully get him picked up before the vacation to ensure he wasn’t going or would you hope that the system catches up to him on its own to avoid becoming involved (revenge against me from him)?
The best thing that could happen to him at this point is to get court-mandated rehab or get locked up and be forced to face his addiction. The only other option aside from that is death.
It’s tough in my situation because I’m stuck on the outside of “their” family issues when it comes to making decisions or helping but the fact is I’m affected by all of this just as much via my wife. I'm really wanting him to get put into the system to save his life because I feel like everyone else is just "hoping" things get better. Unlike them, I see a opportunity here to get him the help he needs but I don't want to risk hurting my relationship with my wife by doing something behind her back like telling on him...I just know that if I went to them and told them I was going to inform his probation officer they would resist me and continue to protect him.
Appreciate any feedback or if anyone has been in the same situation and maybe it worked out or maybe you regret getting involved more deeply.
Wow, wow, wow.
First off, I am so terribly sorry you are expecting this. Second, the similarities between your situation and mine are crazy.
I sympathize with YOU so much.
Currently (and unfortunately,) we are living with my in-laws. My husband got cancer, and life ever since has been a struggle (financially.)
His parents (especially his mother,) are some of the worst enablers I’ve personally dealt with.
i grew up around alcoholics, my mother being the worst, and relative enablers. This combination has made me have 0 empathy or sympathy for addicts or enablers.
back to the in-laws…
My husband is 1 of 3 children and the only one to have done anything with his life. The other two live off food stamps, or in his brother’s case, mommy’s money.
Ive know for years that his brother was using something, jsut didn’t know what exactly. I expressed this many times to my MIL and she’d just brush it off and blame the COVID VACCINE for his paranoia and hallucinations… 💀
fast forward to 03/2024, BIL was arrested for assaulting his own father (dad and mom of course begged cops to drop charges…) and BIL was put in a hospital while under arrest.
SOMEHOW he was able to be released to his using gf, who then did not “take care” of him.
we have a little one. We desperately do NOT want to be living in this house. We are doing everything we can to make ends meet and get out.
that pressure just came on ten fold as now they are ALLOWING THE BIL TO LIVE IN THE HOUSE!!
they told my husband multiple times he was not welcome or allowed back, due to our child’s safety.
they lied.
he uses very hard drugs and the dad has FOUND THEM in the house.
its caused a tremendous rift in my marriage and as much as I worry about our relationship, my top concern is our child.
my husband dances around his parents feelings because they’ve “helped him so much” but I’ve told him that’s manipulation and that shouldn’t be a reason to sugar coat our concerns, etc,
I have extremely firm boundaries now in place but he will not express them to his parents because he wants to “keep the peace” and not worry about US being kicked out. (Know how ****** up his parents are I would not put it past them.)
it’s only keeping the “peace” between him and his parents.
i also feel helpless and one sided in this situation.
i feel like this wasn’t helpful to you but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone at all and im so sorry for your situation.
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