Moving Forward - Language of Letting Go
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Moving Forward - Language of Letting Go
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Moving Forward
Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.
It doesn't help.
It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.
Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.
Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation
Moving Forward
Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.
It doesn't help.
It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.
Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.
Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Although it has been 8 years since my son contacted me, I still need to remind myself that it's okay for me to live my life well, as God intended.
I was so broken when I found recovery that I only had two options...to go down with my son in his dark place where I am certain I would have died, or to rise to a place of light and live well, placing my son's care in God's hands every morning in prayer.
There was no in-between anymore. It was "Get busy living or get busy dying" as the Shawshank Redemption quote goes. I could die in the problem (my son's addiction and my own codependency) or live in the solution (my recovery).
I chose to live. I chose to heal and find beauty in every day again, good days or bad. I chose to work diligently on my recovery every day so that I did not slip back into my old ways and the dark place they took me.
It's okay to live in peace, happy and joyous each day. It's okay to find my own light and pray that one day my son will find his own and follow.
It's really really really okay.
Hugs
I was so broken when I found recovery that I only had two options...to go down with my son in his dark place where I am certain I would have died, or to rise to a place of light and live well, placing my son's care in God's hands every morning in prayer.
There was no in-between anymore. It was "Get busy living or get busy dying" as the Shawshank Redemption quote goes. I could die in the problem (my son's addiction and my own codependency) or live in the solution (my recovery).
I chose to live. I chose to heal and find beauty in every day again, good days or bad. I chose to work diligently on my recovery every day so that I did not slip back into my old ways and the dark place they took me.
It's okay to live in peace, happy and joyous each day. It's okay to find my own light and pray that one day my son will find his own and follow.
It's really really really okay.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Oh Ann......this one made me cry this morning. My head tells me its ok.....but my heart doesn't always play nice with my head.
Thanks for sharing this.....I need reminders that it's ok for me to live my life and my son to live his. It's ok for me to love him from a distance. And it's ok for me to be happy.
gentle hugs
ke
Thanks for sharing this.....I need reminders that it's ok for me to live my life and my son to live his. It's ok for me to love him from a distance. And it's ok for me to be happy.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
It took me a long time to believe and accept that I had the right to be happy in spite of what my RAS was doing. There's this "mom" quote out there that says something like: "You're only as happy as your least unhappy child." This was my motto. Whether it was my addict son or my "normal" other children, my codependency kept me chained to their moods. I typically matched the mood of my most unhappy child. And I was obsessed with changing their mood... because it would mean I could change mine.
I learned, through working my own recovery program, that I could stay emotionally consistent in spite of what everyone else around me was feeling. But it was easier to believe I HAD the right as opposed to actually ACTING on it. Logically, I knew I should live my own life and be happy. I knew that was okay. I knew I had the right to be happy. But the hard part was actually doing something about it.
It was hard for me because I thought it was easier to fix my mood by fixing my kids' moods instead. It somehow seemed like the more efficient way to find happiness. Like a shortcut. Fix my addict or whoever else, and then life would be great.
Letting go of the addict and attempting to fix my happiness within MYSELF... that was frightening and overwhelming. It was hard. If my happiness wasn't based on my kids, then what on earth was it based on?? It took me a long time to find ways to be happy and peaceful completely separate from my kids because my whole identity was tied up in being a mom.
I still struggle with this. I understand that my codependent traits aren't going to disappear. I have to manage them. So I work at it and read my literature and go to meetings. I never stop learning from others who struggle with these same issues. And I constantly evaluate my life and look for ways to take care of myself.
Moving forward in recovery is an adventure. I am getting to know myself. My likes and my dislikes. I read something (maybe from Codependent No More) that said: "I don't know what I feel; I know what you feel." Well, I'm starting to learn what I feel.
And it's starting to sink in that it's better and more efficient to find lasting happiness by working on myself instead of trying to fix my addict or my other kids. It's not easy. But I understand that my happiness can't be dependent on the changing moods of others, which is completely beyond my control. In order to be emotionally stable, I need to tie my happiness to myself. That's what moving forward in recovery means to me.
I learned, through working my own recovery program, that I could stay emotionally consistent in spite of what everyone else around me was feeling. But it was easier to believe I HAD the right as opposed to actually ACTING on it. Logically, I knew I should live my own life and be happy. I knew that was okay. I knew I had the right to be happy. But the hard part was actually doing something about it.
It was hard for me because I thought it was easier to fix my mood by fixing my kids' moods instead. It somehow seemed like the more efficient way to find happiness. Like a shortcut. Fix my addict or whoever else, and then life would be great.
Letting go of the addict and attempting to fix my happiness within MYSELF... that was frightening and overwhelming. It was hard. If my happiness wasn't based on my kids, then what on earth was it based on?? It took me a long time to find ways to be happy and peaceful completely separate from my kids because my whole identity was tied up in being a mom.
I still struggle with this. I understand that my codependent traits aren't going to disappear. I have to manage them. So I work at it and read my literature and go to meetings. I never stop learning from others who struggle with these same issues. And I constantly evaluate my life and look for ways to take care of myself.
Moving forward in recovery is an adventure. I am getting to know myself. My likes and my dislikes. I read something (maybe from Codependent No More) that said: "I don't know what I feel; I know what you feel." Well, I'm starting to learn what I feel.
And it's starting to sink in that it's better and more efficient to find lasting happiness by working on myself instead of trying to fix my addict or my other kids. It's not easy. But I understand that my happiness can't be dependent on the changing moods of others, which is completely beyond my control. In order to be emotionally stable, I need to tie my happiness to myself. That's what moving forward in recovery means to me.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by washbe2 
How do you always find just the right things to say in such a beautiful way? I want to be like you. 
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You are all so kind, I'm so glad to share something that will touch your heart.
Being Still, there was a time before recovery when I would wake up in the morning and check on my mother (who was in a nursing home at the time),
then check on my husband and his business, then check on my son...and only if each one of them was okay,
would I give myself permission to be okay too. So I truly relate
to what you posted here.
The thing I learned is that I don't hold the key to anyone else's happiness, they do.
But I hold the key to my own and only I can unlock that door and
decide to live my life well...regardless of the choices, good or bad, of
those around me make.
So let's all give ourselves permission that just for today it's okay to be happy and free.
Let's all walk together and maybe stop for some ice cream along the way, and sit and listen to birds and
watch a sunset...because we CAN if we want to, we just need to begin...
Washbe, your ice cream's dripping, TJP could you hand her a napkin please?
Being Still, there was a time before recovery when I would wake up in the morning and check on my mother (who was in a nursing home at the time),
then check on my husband and his business, then check on my son...and only if each one of them was okay,
would I give myself permission to be okay too. So I truly relate
to what you posted here.
The thing I learned is that I don't hold the key to anyone else's happiness, they do.
But I hold the key to my own and only I can unlock that door and
decide to live my life well...regardless of the choices, good or bad, of
those around me make.
So let's all give ourselves permission that just for today it's okay to be happy and free.
Let's all walk together and maybe stop for some ice cream along the way, and sit and listen to birds and
watch a sunset...because we CAN if we want to, we just need to begin...
Washbe, your ice cream's dripping, TJP could you hand her a napkin please?
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