I am destroyed,hurt, shamed,
 

I am destroyed, hurt, shamed. I need some 2 cents.
A quick snapshot. I have been with my wife for almost 10 years. I know her for over 13 years. I have two small wonderful healthy children with her. When I started dating her. She told me she was in the program had had been clean for many years. 13 to be exact. Bomb shell hit me. I caught her cheating on me, in the most disgusting way possible. She had an affair for almost 5 months. We started working through it when she came and confessed she is addicted to prescription pain killers for almost 3 years. A lot of them. A new total bomb shell hit. I got cut at the knees again. We are both in our forties. She is kicking and has been clean for over 2 weeks now. But the extent of the lying, cheating, and stealing is truly devastation. Beyond belief. I cannot believe I did not see this. She came home to me every night. She talked to me about going to meetings and how others are cheating and using also. So I am a broken man. She is coming out of the fog, and remembering a lot of stuff that she did and I guess being honest to me about it. She wants to save the marriage and all the good stuff now. But how do I deal with the betrayal and the no trust now. And can anyone answer this question please. “How much responsibility does the using of the drugs have, to lead to do all the things she did”. Also, is she responsible for her actions?

Welcome to SR. I am so sorry for your pain. Addiction is the most miserable experience in my life too.

I will let others with more wisdom and a healthier perspective share their thought and advice. Their knowledge and advice is as true as can get.

God Bless!

Yes. I did the test for both. Both of us negative. Thank my HP.
Problem is that I am not an addict. I don't drink or do any drugs. I don't have a problem
With drinking. I just don't. So I was impressed at the time for her "queen of na" ranking. He words. Should I leave. Should I stay. Anyone with a similar poblem. Please reply.

Hi cat, welcome. I am so sorry for your pain, and it does sound horrible, betrayal x's 10.

IMO, what I would do is begin the process of my own recovery. There are no quick answers and you have been living with and addcit for a very long time, the unbelievability of it all is so hard to face. It will take time.

There are a bunch of stickies at the top of this section of the forum, it's a good place to start, lots of books to read that may be helpful, counseling for yourself, al anon, and of course lots of understanding and support here too.

One foot in front of the other, that is all we all have here. You will eventually get your sure footing again and make positive and healing steps forward.

You do not have to make any decisions today :) Phew!

We are always here. sending you a big hug Katie

I'm so sorry for your situation. When children are involved, it's so difficult to know whether to stay or go. What would be in their best interest? Prayfully, you and your wife can get proper counseling and make the best decision.

Life with an addict is not an easy path. I pray she does whatever is needed to help her be where she needs to be.

Welcome to SR.....I'm so sorry for the situation that has caused you to seek this forum out.

Addicts are responsible for their actions. Addiction isn't an excuse for bad behaviors but it certainly may be a reason. There is no reason to rush into any decision. Her actions will be very telling now that the information about her affair and addiction is out there.

Please take care of you, your finances, and your precious children. And know that you have a resource for support here.

gentle hugs
ke

I'm very sorry for your devastation and crisis.

I think these kinds of affairs are the most difficult to forgive, as they do take some calculation and choice-making by the adulterer. Someone drunk out of her mind who falls into bed on a business trip....never to see the man again.....that type of infidelity seems easier to me to be able to repair.

But what I know of some opiate addicts who are your wife's age: they often have jobs, often with great responsibilities. They often have children, and they show up at the soccer games and PTA. They often go to the gym and work out. On the surface, they look normal. As long as they have their DOC on schedule, they operate in life pretty well, and sometimes for many years like this.

So, if a woman is making apparently conscious choices and behaving within normal bounds in most areas of her life while addicted to opiates, then saying no to sex with another man seems to me something she would be capable of doing.

It will be very hard to trust her again. She has told a thousand lies. I'm so sorry for your pain. You did not deserve this; don't let anyone tell you "it takes two" to destroy a marriage. With addiction, it takes only one.

Thanks katie. Your words are helpful.

To ENGLISHGARDEN:

You are the closest to hitting the nail on the Head as anyone. All you said is100% true about her.
She got up, went to work,went to kids partys, all that. She just confesed to living
A double life for 2 to 3 years.WTF. REALLY. I love my children more than anything in the world.
I don't know what i should do. Should I stay for them. Should I ,can I . Thanks to all.

Of course she's responsible for her actions.

I can't tell you what to do here. It's not my place. What I can tell you, though, is she is a very, very sick person. Recovery, should she choose to embrace it, is a lifetime committment. And you have to recover as well from your hurt and your pain. The days ahead are going to be very difficult for you and will involve making decisions you don't necessarily want to make. You need to decide what is best for you, and what is best for your children.

Glad you found your way to us.

Best,
ZoSo

You sir, have been disrespected more than anyone deserves. There are no good reasons for it, only excuses.

"Staying for the kids" is dumb.

So many people choose to be miserable because they think they are making some great sacrifice for the kids.

Then they wonder why their children can't seem to have healthy relationships when they get older because they have grown up in abusive, cold homes.

Better off with a strong, clear-headed single parent/ step parent.

I wish you luck.

Englishgarden, really gets it she always really seems to nail e drugging on the head for me. I love your posts it almost like you we lived parallel lives in some way. My drug addict husband, can be extremely high functioning I'd he has just the right amount now of opiates. It's when he mixes then with vodka or tequila or runs out of them that he becomes a beast. When he takes Xanax and mixes that with alcohol he does things that he would not normally do I believe cheating is one of those things and he has blackouts and doesn't remember anything. He obviously takes way more thatn any doctor would prescribe. But I can tell when he just has the right let's say amount of painkillers for his tolerance at this point he is actually a happy guy. I I can tell now just what he has or doesn't have or has mixed. He still isn't the wonderful man he was before he ever started this. That is a different person all together unfortunately I think he is gone. Because he is so high functioning he thinks he doesn't have a problem wish is even worse to me I almost wish something bad would happen to wake him up to this disease. I'm the only one hitting rock bottom. Thanks englishgarden for all your post they are so helpful

i'm thinking the only one that will be leaving is her.

This is something you will probably need some real time support with.

We are here for you. xo