grayduchess

I know this is over, for both of us. I can't even kid myself anymore there is any chance whatsoever he is willing to do anything to help himself or give us a chance at relationship survival. I keep trying to be grateful for this because I know it is the best for me. I succeed sometimes...

I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the last few weeks. When I was homeless I was busy trying to survive but after I got moved in and somewhat settled the depression and sense of loss of "what could have been" set in HARD. The point of this post is I think I'm substituting one DOC for another. I can't have him so I'm.... what? self-medicating maybe?

I'm drinking every day. All I can think about on the way home from work (I work the overnight shift so this is at 6:30am) is cracking open a beer. I was running some errands at 9am a couple of days ago and COULD NOT convince myself to go home even with a cold case already in the truck. I turned the opposite way, feeling that it was against my own will) and headed for the nearest open bar and had a shot. Didn't even think about trying to make last week's Al-Anon meeting. I was busy getting drunk. God, I'm a wreck...

SeekingGrowth

Wow. You know that you don't want to go down this road. I presume you know enough about addiction to know that the core problem is developing a habit of reaching for a "thing"/substance for comfort, rather than reaching out to other people and your HP. Reaching for the substance is tempting because it gives instant (if temporary) relief, while reaching out in a healthy way to people and your HP requires that you actually deal with and work through the problem. No instant pain relief, but the thing/substance approach only delays and ultimately intensifies the pain, and it creates additional problems. You can't avoid dealing with the core issues at some point. I'm sure that I'm not saying anything you don't already know, and my advice would be to see a therapist and/or get yourself to Al-Anon or AA.

Other things to think about: Life is about change, and pretty much nothing is forever. And change typically means loss, with the accompanying grief. But losing one thing opens the door to something else. As painful as your loss is, that loss has created space in your life for something new, and possibly wonderful, to move in. You need to grieve what you have lost, but try to not stay mired in the past. Even as you grieve, remain hopeful for the future. Other good things are out there waiting for you, and will move into the space that has now been created by this change in your life. Pray to your HP, reach out to your friends and supporters, and know that new, enriching opportunities await you. But not if you keep yourself stuck in the past and block the new, positive things waiting to fill your world with alcohol; not if all your free time is spent in bars and/or under the influence, as then you are not open and available to those new, enriching opportunities.

Reach out to people, find opportunities for service. And exercise - that always helps, as it pumps up your natural endorphins and helps you to feel good about yourself.

Wishing you the best, and sending you positive vibes and prayers.

Kindeyes

After my dad was killed in a plane accident (he was also my business partner), I started to drink regularly. Every single night I would come home and have 1/2 bottle of wine.....exactly 1/2 bottle. Now, that may not sound like a lot to some people (others may think....holy cow...that's a lot) but it doesn't matter what other people think about it. It was a problem for me.

When I got in my car at the end of the day to come home, I started thinking about that glass of wine. When I got home, I had to pass through the kitchen from the garage so I would pour it on my way to change my clothes. This became a ritual of sorts. I was VERY specific.....I wouldn't allow myself to drink more than that 1/2 bottle of wine......every single evening.

I did this for almost a year and a half. It became habit. I was self medicating to get through the grief of losing my dad/business partner. Am I an alcholic? I dunno. Does it matter to me? Nope. I just knew that I needed to stop. For me, 1/2 bottle got me loopy and made be feel foggy the next morning. It slowed my digestion (I have a compromised digestive system) and was generally very unhealthy for me. After winding up in the hospital with my digestive issues once again, having basically a mental breakdown while in the hospital, I made a commitment to myself not to drink.....anything with alcohol in it anymore.

So that's what I did. I feel better. I think clearer. Could I have a drink now and then? Maybe but it's really not important to me. I stopped for me. Not for anyone else. A nice glass of lemonade or iced tea quenches my thirst. The funny thing.....I often drink it out of a wine glass. Why? Because I think they're pretty.

The moral of my story? If it's bugging me, I have a responsibility to myself (no one else) to change it.

gentle hugs
ke

lightseeker

KE said it well as did SG. Even your tag line stated it "I think I'm substituting". Dealing with pain is painful. Grief and the loss of a dream go hand in hand. I've been dealing with it the last year (or more) and have noticed times when I've wanted to escape the pain/grief (whether by wanting a drink, obsessing over spidar solataire, eating, or wanting a replacment partner).

We are going to have those emotions and it's how we chose to handle them that makes a difference. I know that I want to go ahead and deal with it and hopefully learn and grow so I won't repeat my mistakes. If I numb myself then I am not going to make any progress.

Substituting exercise or a meeting have really helped me a whole lot. The grief is still there but at least the way that I am dealing with it isn't making me feel worse in the long run. Still struggle with it but I suppose that's pretty normal.

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and think you are on to something with the substitution. So now what??????? hugs....

micealc

Grey duchess.....There are so many on this Board today in Simular
situations,with Husbands/Partners and there abuse of Alcohol,etc...+ abandoning kids.....it would be great if ye could all connect.
Heres wishing you Recovery and Peace for you and your Kids.:ghug3

grayduchess

Thank you, all of you, for your responses and your support. Each of you brought up some important points.

Seeking - right now, I feel like I do want to go down that road, even though my intellectual side knows how totally self-destructive and foolish and unproductive that is. If anything, I think I'm using alcohol to help me wallow in it, not for any sense of relief because there IS none. I do pray to my HP several times a day and this forum is my best source of support. My kids actually support my drinking. My daughter brought me a bottle of my favorite wine the other day.

KE - you're absolutely right, it's all on me, whichever way I go. Your story (I'm sorry for your loss) sounds similar to the historical me; limit myself, become ritualistic in even my bad habits, making a commitment to myself, for myself, to stop doing things that are affecting me in a negative way. One of my issues has always been sticking to it long term. As my profile states "crawling in and out of a bottle for 40 years". I don't know that I fit the bill for a clinical diagnosis of an alcoholic. I've certainly been guilty of bouts of alcohol abuse multiple times over decades. My concern is that this time is different. Always before when I drank heavily it was a choice. It was premeditated with no excuses. I wanted to and I did. This time it feels more like an uncontrollable craving. I have to fight it off even to wait a few hours because of responsibilities that need handled first. I've NEVER felt like this before...

lightseeker - now what indeed... The best answer I have right now is I don't have a clue. I'm looking for something, anything, to grab onto to motivate me to get it together, to work on me/this in a productive way. I'm still on a virtual roller coaster. I have moments, sometimes even hours, of clarity and focus when I'm so grateful to not be living in the chaos, no walking on eggshells, not having anyone verbally beating on me and my self esteem. I take the utmost pleasure in throwing money on my kitchen counter and leaving it there knowing it will still be there later, or even tomorrow. But then suddenly, with no warning, I'm in the depths of despair, sometimes feeling homicidal and suicidal. The only thing that holds me back is knowing the impact either/both of those would have on my children & grandchildren.

I've been through a lot of things in my life but I have never felt like I am feeling now!

micealc - thank you for your good wishes, they are much appreciated. You are right, there are so many in similar situations. I imagine connecting with each other is the very point of Al-Anon/NarAnon.

Re: meetings - can an active drinker even go to AA meetings??

incitingsilence

Only requirement to attend an AA meeting is the desire to be clean.

Maybe now is different because it is suppose to be. Crawling in and out of the bottle for 40 years is somewhat of a sign and yet only you will know exactly what it is.

I hit a point when I couldn’t use him as a distraction or as the blame anymore. I let my anger for always having to be the responsible one and that look on his face of high to help me cross a line I knew better than to.
But then maybe this was what should be. When I stopped using so many years before, I really didn’t walk away and out of it all healthy. I just stuffed the past further down and further down, using life, the kids, him ... hell anything to not have to focus on me. Now I had no choice but too, I was forced to by my actions when I took that first drink. It took 4 year but I did walk away, so much healthier and with a lot less baggage.

You are not alone.

Keeping good thoughts, you hang in there.

grayduchess

incitingsilence - that was very thought-provoking. There is no doubt my issues go much, much deeper than my current situation. The very fact I was with this man for over 10 years testifies to that. My family of origin consisted of a pathological liar who was a raging codie. I think often of generational curses since at the tender age of 10 mother found herself to be the woman of the house. Grandma took her oldest son, oldest daughter and infant and ran away with another man leaving my mother and two other children behind with Granddad who was a kind and gentle soul with a mental age of approximately 10 himself. It wasn't long before the state took mom and her brother and sister and put them in foster care.

Dad was a verbally & physically abusive alcoholic who never had a steady job for long until the age of 37. He was a hard drinking, fist-fighting, skirt-chasing man who I worshiped as a child. I went everywhere with him when I was young and that was usually bars and junkyards. He humiliated me quite frequently as a teenager by hitting on any of my girlfriends who came to the house and at the age of 60 sat in town trying to pick up 14 year olds. I was born 20 years into their marriage, an only child. Praise be to the HP in His infinite wisdom because between the two of them they had zero parenting skills!

I was smoking pot by the age of 12, drinking regularly and doing other drugs by 14, was an unwed mother by 17 and in jail by my 21st birthday. Both my parents died the year I turned 22, 11 months apart. I went on to marry a non-functional alcoholic 18 years my senior and was barefoot & pregnant most of the 80s. Stayed with him for almost 20 years. Immediately ended up hanging out with old friends drinking and doing drugs again. Found a new alcoholic to be with who died in my arms 6 months later of liver failure at the age of 49 and THEN the country girl went into the city and found herself a crack addict/alcoholic with mental problems who was born addicted to heroin and was raised by a foster mother who became a single parent when he was 4 years old when her alcoholic husband ran his car off a bridge coming home drunk one night.

The day we met I told him I didn't want involved with anyone who drank a lot or did drugs and he assured me he was only a social drinker and never touched drugs. Within 6 months he had me smoking crack with him and we had to buy 30 packs in order to still have a couple beers left the next day.

Oh YEAH, the issues go much deeper than the current situation!

Kids - do not try this at home!!!!

Endofline

Oh I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I know what your going through. I think our longing to be loved and to save the husband ,boyfriend or whatever significant other that we know is a bad boy but has a good heart is part of our problem. We hate the chaos that they bring and the anxiety we have day to day but then when they are gone, there is this emptiness this hole in our heart and it's so hard to move on. Sometimes I think I didn't want to move on I didn't want to lose that loving feeling. My logical side says I need to move on and experience a healthy love but in the mean time when I have down time I'm sad. I try to get some exercise in everyday after work but then I just want to take something to put me to sleep so I won't sit here sad alone reminiscing over happier times or sad ones for that matter. I wish I could feel like ew what did I ever see in him, but I don't I love him and I want him to want to quit using drugs and drinking alcohol and love me back. Now I know just who is going to respond to this post and tell me to get therapy and be harsh But I don't care I'm about being honest with my feelings and that's where I am in my life. You can always vent to me I understand and I'm not crazy I'm just in love with an addict. It happens that's why we post here.

grayduchess

Thanks, EoL. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the two of us are still deep in denial. Please don't think harshly of those who are only trying to help! I've come to the realization I'm not "recovering" from anything so I'll be bowing out now. Maybe I'll get my head together eventually and maybe I won't, but either way there are too many good people here for me to continue wasting their time trying to help me until/unless I really begin to help myself. Nor do I need to be enabling others.

Peace and love to all of you. My prayers and good wishes go out to each one of you.

SeekingGrowth

Endo and Grayduchess, I think you're describing the essence of co-dependency - aren't you? I suffered from it as well - I think loving an addict causes those of us with a predisposition in this area to travel quickly down that road. As my prior posts state, my "AS" was not really my son - he was my son's best friend who moved in with us in January 2010 after his mother died. I'd known him for many years, but didn't know that he was a drug addict until well after he moved in. He was struggling with grief (and addiction), and his needs in so many areas tickled my co-dependent nature. I threw myself into helping him, and realized the severity and intractability of his addiction late in the game. He treated me horribly - disrespect (rarely overt, but evident in his actions), defiance, destruction of property - and yet I loved him so much, as I thought I saw this core of sweetness, creativity, and unique talent within him. I made it my mission to help get this kid on the "right track," which required among other things getting rid of the drugs. I had no idea of the impossibility of this task - this was before I'd learned about addiction, recovery, and the need for the addict to "want it." The more my efforts met with failure, the more determined I became to conquer this thing and get my AS on a healthy path. I was like a dog with a bone -- over the course of two years, my AS's life BECAME my life, and everything else in my life that was important became tangential, taking a seat far in the back. And then my AS was killed.

And now I am not only grieving the loss of this young man (which is normal and healthy), but I am also grieving my loss of purpose. There is a HUGE hole in my life because my AS had BECOME my life - in a very unhealthy way. My grief is unnaturally, inappropriately devastating because I had become so dependent on my AS to give MY life purpose. I would never in a million years have wished for my AS to be gone, but the truth is that his absence from my life is healthier for me. I can get back to having my OWN purpose, focusing on MY OWN life, rather than having my life consumed by the life of another.

Maybe the depths of grief you both are experiencing is due in part to an unhealthy attachment to your loved one, too. If so, then as hard as the loss is, it gives you a chance to focus on your own lives now, develop your own priorities and sense of purpose, rather than allowing your life to be consumed by the lives of your loved ones.

CanfixONLYme

Grayduchess - don't leave! you are not on anyone's time schedule except your own and you go at whatever pace you want to reach there.

Keep coming on here - keep posting (if you want to of course). I care very much and I know others do too.

Big hugs!!

Windmills

We do understand you know. We've all been stuck in a rut too, it takes real time and courage to move forward. It took a long time to dig yourself into that hole, it'll take just as long to get back out x