Need a little help....please!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Need a little help....please!
Some of you may have read my heartbreaking situation with my 16 yr old son. I would really appreciate some support and/or advice.
I just got a call from the directer of the program my son is currently in. My son was kicked out a few weeks ago but they have kept him there while attempting to find another placement. The insurance is refusing to continue any more payments and there is still a waiting list for other treatment program. I was also told there have been no signs of any remorse or any attempts to change.
I am faced with very few options:
1. He can come home and live with me. This is NOT an option for me. Also, my daughter will move out permanently if I even considered this - which I am not.
2. He can live with his with father - 17 (?) day cleans and working a 12 step program.
3. Have him arrested for stealing my prescription, where as the judge may sentence him to a 9 month commitment program.
4. Foster care - in which we could be charged with abandonment and neglect. (psychiatrist recommended a therapeutic foster care after discharge from current program - problem is...there isn't any and Children Services would still most likey charge us).
5. Teen Challenge - mixed reviews and $2,000/month (a little too expensive for our budget unless my husband moved home).
6. Job Corp for Youths is not an option due to criminal record.
Please keep in my mind, I have tried everything possible to help my son. He refuses any and all help. He has serious psychological issues and although he is not addicted to any drugs, he is a very scary addict in the making. IMO, he will use anything and everything if he had access.
My son was raised by an on again, off again cocaine addict for the first 8 yrs of his life. She was beautiful, smart, funny and could be very likable. However, she was mentally unstable too and used her kids as pawns against everyone. She was pure evil and per own mother - she was this way long before the drugs. Her entire family refuses to have anything to do with her. My daughter is 18 and is doing every well despite her first 10 years of living with her birth mother. Only time will tell is any residual trauma will surface.
Also, we fought long and hard to remove the kids from her care. She had 3 teachers, a respected police offer, several coworkers, etc supportingher but in the end she was her own worst enemy and lost custody. P.S. To our amazement, she passed every court ordered hair follicle drug test. My husband did as well.
I just got a call from the directer of the program my son is currently in. My son was kicked out a few weeks ago but they have kept him there while attempting to find another placement. The insurance is refusing to continue any more payments and there is still a waiting list for other treatment program. I was also told there have been no signs of any remorse or any attempts to change.
I am faced with very few options:
1. He can come home and live with me. This is NOT an option for me. Also, my daughter will move out permanently if I even considered this - which I am not.
2. He can live with his with father - 17 (?) day cleans and working a 12 step program.
3. Have him arrested for stealing my prescription, where as the judge may sentence him to a 9 month commitment program.
4. Foster care - in which we could be charged with abandonment and neglect. (psychiatrist recommended a therapeutic foster care after discharge from current program - problem is...there isn't any and Children Services would still most likey charge us).
5. Teen Challenge - mixed reviews and $2,000/month (a little too expensive for our budget unless my husband moved home).
6. Job Corp for Youths is not an option due to criminal record.
Please keep in my mind, I have tried everything possible to help my son. He refuses any and all help. He has serious psychological issues and although he is not addicted to any drugs, he is a very scary addict in the making. IMO, he will use anything and everything if he had access.
My son was raised by an on again, off again cocaine addict for the first 8 yrs of his life. She was beautiful, smart, funny and could be very likable. However, she was mentally unstable too and used her kids as pawns against everyone. She was pure evil and per own mother - she was this way long before the drugs. Her entire family refuses to have anything to do with her. My daughter is 18 and is doing every well despite her first 10 years of living with her birth mother. Only time will tell is any residual trauma will surface.
Also, we fought long and hard to remove the kids from her care. She had 3 teachers, a respected police offer, several coworkers, etc supportingher but in the end she was her own worst enemy and lost custody. P.S. To our amazement, she passed every court ordered hair follicle drug test. My husband did as well.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by pinkchampagne 
I thought parents were responsible for minor children. you adopted him 8 years ago ?
I love him with all my heart but I am done being abused by him. I do not feel safe with him in my home for various, legitimate reasons which have been "validated" and supported by at least 4 professionals.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by pinkchampagne
it sound like he has mental issues not related to drugs dont think a little pot would make him like that.
on second thought........
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
I am faced with very few options:
1. He can come home and live with me. This is NOT an option for me. Also, my daughter will move out permanently if I even considered this - which I am not.
2. He can live with his with father - 17 (?) day cleans and working a 12 step program.
3. Have him arrested for stealing my prescription, where as the judge may sentence him to a 9 month commitment program.
4. Foster care - in which we could be charged with abandonment and neglect. (psychiatrist recommended a therapeutic foster care after discharge from current program - problem is...there isn't any and Children Services would still most likey charge us).
5. Teen Challenge - mixed reviews and $2,000/month (a little too expensive for our budget unless my husband moved home).
6. Job Corp for Youths is not an option due to criminal record.
Sounds to me like you only have two options. Number 2 or 3. Neither sounds good. I wish I knew what to tell you...I wish I had some good advice, but I just don't. It really sucks when they are considered minors and have no desire to get with the program, so to speak. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this awful mess. My heart goes out to you. ((((HUGS))))
1. He can come home and live with me. This is NOT an option for me. Also, my daughter will move out permanently if I even considered this - which I am not.
2. He can live with his with father - 17 (?) day cleans and working a 12 step program.
3. Have him arrested for stealing my prescription, where as the judge may sentence him to a 9 month commitment program.
4. Foster care - in which we could be charged with abandonment and neglect. (psychiatrist recommended a therapeutic foster care after discharge from current program - problem is...there isn't any and Children Services would still most likey charge us).
5. Teen Challenge - mixed reviews and $2,000/month (a little too expensive for our budget unless my husband moved home).
6. Job Corp for Youths is not an option due to criminal record.
Sounds to me like you only have two options. Number 2 or 3. Neither sounds good. I wish I knew what to tell you...I wish I had some good advice, but I just don't. It really sucks when they are considered minors and have no desire to get with the program, so to speak. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this awful mess. My heart goes out to you. ((((HUGS))))
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, to me, it would be 2 or 3, and I personally would lean towards 3, with the thought that the committment would help him to get on the right track. Although...no one knows what the outcome will be.
Boy, this is a tough call, there is no easy answer.
I too am sorry that you have to deal with this..you already have enough on your plate.
Boy, this is a tough call, there is no easy answer.
I too am sorry that you have to deal with this..you already have enough on your plate.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you Suki, I appreciate your kind words.
He is on probation and his JPO was informed of the situation (he stole an old and hidden RX of mine, took some and gave them out to a few others at his program) and she didn't do anything. Isn't that her job??
I have left her several messages and yet to hear back from her. She hand picked him for a new program in my county and it appears she has an agenda. She doesn't want my son to bring down the her success rate of the program and she continues to enable him so he can complete the program successfully and she can have another successful "candidate."
He is on probation and his JPO was informed of the situation (he stole an old and hidden RX of mine, took some and gave them out to a few others at his program) and she didn't do anything. Isn't that her job??
I have left her several messages and yet to hear back from her. She hand picked him for a new program in my county and it appears she has an agenda. She doesn't want my son to bring down the her success rate of the program and she continues to enable him so he can complete the program successfully and she can have another successful "candidate."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
Though I don't feel I qualified to offer my advice, I just want you to know that I am with you in your walk and pray you will find peace in whatever you decide. You sound like a caring person who wants what is best for your child.
Doesn't Teen Challenge offer financial help with the program? Would your son agree to it if they do?
At the age of 16, should you file charges, any records of trouble he is in would probably be expunged from his records as an adult.
Living with father....Maybe they could work a program together.
I care!
Doesn't Teen Challenge offer financial help with the program? Would your son agree to it if they do?
At the age of 16, should you file charges, any records of trouble he is in would probably be expunged from his records as an adult.
Living with father....Maybe they could work a program together.
I care!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
I was thinking 2 or 3 are also one options, where you live what is considered legal age? I know here in Alabama they can move out at 18 but cannot sign a lease etc.. and I was responsible for any doctor, hospital or other such bills until age 19.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Teen Challenge will not offer any financial help and due to the many cut backs, many programs have shut down.
My husband was here and we actually were able to sat down and discuss the situation like 2 mature adults. (The subject of my son can cause some heated debates). I actually saw raw emotion and lots of tears. He actually had to feel deal with his feelings without anything numbing them. He wants to have hope, and doesn't want to give up on his only son. And even with what he knows to be true - you can not help someone who doesn't want to be helped - he wants to try and help him. I am sure he has a lot of guilt and feels the need to try.
He called his sponsor and 2 other guys from NA and they were meeting after their meeting to discuss the situation. I was invited to come but chose not to.
He told me he understood and respected how I felt. He knows parenting from guilt and/or enabling will be the worse thing he could do. He says he doesn't want to lose me or our marriage. I told him that I would respect whatever decision he made but I am not willing to compromise in the least about how I feel. He understood!
I still have hope for my son, I still love him very much.....but without any postives changes, I am not willing to have him in my life.
My husband was here and we actually were able to sat down and discuss the situation like 2 mature adults. (The subject of my son can cause some heated debates). I actually saw raw emotion and lots of tears. He actually had to feel deal with his feelings without anything numbing them. He wants to have hope, and doesn't want to give up on his only son. And even with what he knows to be true - you can not help someone who doesn't want to be helped - he wants to try and help him. I am sure he has a lot of guilt and feels the need to try.
He called his sponsor and 2 other guys from NA and they were meeting after their meeting to discuss the situation. I was invited to come but chose not to.
He told me he understood and respected how I felt. He knows parenting from guilt and/or enabling will be the worse thing he could do. He says he doesn't want to lose me or our marriage. I told him that I would respect whatever decision he made but I am not willing to compromise in the least about how I feel. He understood!
I still have hope for my son, I still love him very much.....but without any postives changes, I am not willing to have him in my life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
Maybe my 7th option could be - He could come live with you, a drug expert and your helpful, loving, caring bf!!
on second thought........
on second thought........
This is such a tough situation. It sounds like you and your husband are approaching it with compassion, love, and a great deal of thought. You are working with professionals and trying to figure this out.
You have an awful lot going on right now. I imagine that it may be very confusing and fuzzy in your head.....I know mine sure would be.
You have said some incredibly beautiful prayers for others here on SR. Please know that we are all saying prayers for you and your son too. When things look bleak and we feel there are no options, that's when providence steps in.
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you so much KE! As always, your a breath of fresh air. 
Actually, I feel good right now. I am standing firm on my decision not to have him here. I realize more than ever how my indecisiveness can be very unhealthy for me I have no guilt, and protecting ME, my sanity, feels awesome.
A decision still hasn't been made, we have until Wednesday but whatever options we chose, I will be ok with it.
Also, my husband spoke to his sponsor tonight. He was told "your son needs to feel the consequences of his actions and it if he goes to a commitment program - both you and your wife can have peace of mind that he is safe and not hurting himself or anyone else." My husband felt at peace with that..of course coming from him and not me made a big difference. lol
I will continue to pray and ask God for guidance.
Actually, I feel good right now. I am standing firm on my decision not to have him here. I realize more than ever how my indecisiveness can be very unhealthy for me I have no guilt, and protecting ME, my sanity, feels awesome.
A decision still hasn't been made, we have until Wednesday but whatever options we chose, I will be ok with it.
Also, my husband spoke to his sponsor tonight. He was told "your son needs to feel the consequences of his actions and it if he goes to a commitment program - both you and your wife can have peace of mind that he is safe and not hurting himself or anyone else." My husband felt at peace with that..of course coming from him and not me made a big difference. lol
I will continue to pray and ask God for guidance.
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