Deserving

I will try to make this concise. My boyfriend of nearly four years is a heroin addict. When exactly he started is unclear to me since this is all shrouded in lies, but it has been going on for over a year (probably closer to 3 years if you include the painkiller abuse). He did not have this problem when we met, he started because of depression (which on occasions, he has said that I caused). I have never used painkillers to get high. So my first question is this:

Is it possible that I did actually create this problem in him? I feel that the addictive tendency was there in him, and he is using me as an excuse. I feel that I could only be accountable if I actually gave him the drugs, and of course I didn't, he went out and got them on his own behind my back.

I have gone through a range of emotions and tactics in coping with this. The first time the word "heroin" came up, I cried and pleaded with him. I was terrified and saddened. I threatened to leave him, in what I thought to be a "tough love"way. I thought that I convinced him, and that our love overpowered the situation. Now in hindsight, I think he just decided that he would have to lie to me from that point on. When I found heroin in his apartment, he lied and said that he picked it up for someone, that it wasn't his. When I found it again, I was REALLY pissed. Ready to just run away. I hid it from him and watched him go crazy, until I realized that this outcome would be disasterous. Ultimately I've become mostly apathetic with occasional outbursts of nagging and snooping, and obviously none of this is right. He needs profesional help, but most of all he needs to be committed to changing his life, for good. And as of now, I don't see that in him. I don't bother bringing it up anymore. Recently he decided (through discussion with his mom) that he wants to go to detox. This is not the first time I have heard him say this. What worries me is that he made this decision in a secretive way, and he was very defensive when he told me about his plans. He acted like I was going to somehow critisize his efforts. I think that all of my feelings are justified, but despite that I try to be supportive. But I'm running out of coping mechanisms and I'm questioning everything. Part of me is full of hate and resentment and disgust. I've lost the physical connection, we haven't touched each other in over 6 months. We usually don't have actual conversations, or show each other any real affection. I'm mad that he doesn't take care of himself. I love him and want him happy and healthy.

So my last questions are here:

Is it true that addicts cannot love? If so, is it better for me to stay of go? Am I being an enabler by turning my head to some of his very obvious signs and symptoms? As you all can relate, this life is making me crazy.


I'm not even sure what I'm expecting to hear from this "concise" rant. But thanks in advance to anyone who might read this/comment.

crazybabie

Hello,I am sorry your going through this,
He started because of depression,
here are my two cents worth take what you want and leave the rest.

IMO, he is using you as an excuse if he got depressed and it was becoming a problem for him he could have went and gotten evaluated and help if necessary.

I battle with myself as to if addicts can love my experience has been an addict can not love in the way I need.

There are some stickies at the top of this forum you might like to read while you wait on people with more experience that I have.

What addicts do, enabling, there is a lot of good information in the stickies.

LoveMeNow

Welcome to SR, sorry for what brings you here!

Here is what you are dealing with - Read it slowly. This is what woke me up!

I AM YOUR DISEASE

You know who I am, you’ve called me your friend
Wishes of misery and heartache I send
I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees
I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease.

I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul
I’ll become your new master, in total control
I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game
Till your entire existence is crippled with shame

When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise
Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise
But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared
I’ll want only to hurt you, with no mercy spared

If you have your own family, Ill see its destroyed
I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed
I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please
I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease

I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell
I’ll sweep you through heaven, then drop you in hell
I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go
And then when I catch you, you won’t even know

I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike
What’s yours becomes mine, cuz I take what I like
I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees
I’m your constant companion… I am your disease

If you have any honor, I’ll strip it away
You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray
I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare
I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care

So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime
I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time
I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of ease
I’m that madman inside you…I am your disease

But today I’m real angry…you want to know why?
I let all in recovery, entirely slip by
How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong?

One minute I had you…then next you were gone

You just can’t dismiss all the good times we’ve shared
When you were alone…wasn’t it I who appeared?
When you sold those possessions you knew you would need
Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed

Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear
You escaped with your lives when you found your way here
Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat
It’s what you must say when you’re claiming that seat

Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose
But, I’m not giving up. cuz I can’t stand to lose
So stand in your groups and support hand in hand
Better choices will save you…leaving me to be damned

Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week
Be damned inner strength, however unique
Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches
Be damned every addict, who back to me strays

For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before
Those who love misery will crawl back for more
So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here
But next time around, you’d just better beware

You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time’
There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb
Well if that’s what you’re thinkin, you ain’t learned a thing
I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring

But you say you’ve surrendered, so what can I do?
It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you
Creating your nightmare for me was a dream
I’m sure gonna miss you…we made quite a team

So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you
I’ll stand by your side watching all that you do
I’m ready and waiting, so call if you please
I won’t let you forget me…I am your disease

SeekingGrowth

Deserving, you did not create this problem. He did not use because of you. His assertion that you are to blame for his addiction is TYPICAL addict behavior - this is what they do - they blame other people, circumstances, anything to get themselves off the hook. And the greatest blame usually falls on the persons closest to the addict. He may really believe that you are to blame (i.e., he is in denial as to his SOLE responsibility for his predicament) or he may be saying this in an attempt to manipulate you (addicts are generally "manipulation artists") - either way, it's completely wrong. Whatever personal issues exist between the two of you, or whatever depression he may be experiencing, there were all kinds of options to choose from in terms of how to deal with it. HE chose heroin, with no consultation with you.

Second - I think an addict can love someone, but the further they sink into addiction, the more distant and almost irrelevant that emotion becomes, as their PRIMARY love affair and obsession is with their DOC. Ultimately (and maybe especially with heroin?), that becomes THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, far eclipsing other things that would be of primary importance to non-addicted people ... such as loved ones. As long as he is in active addiction, he will most likely not hesitate to trample all over you -- lie, betray, cheat, and steal. If he's not there yet, his addiction will take him there unless he decides to get into recovery. Addiction is a progressive disease, and the more it progresses, the uglier it gets.

Lastly, you cannot love him into recovery, or "reason" him into recovery, or argue him into recovery, or threaten him into recovery. HE has to decide that he really WANTS it, and he will only want it when the negative consequences of his addiction outweigh the benefits of the high IN HIS OWN MIND. Addiction only responds to consequences - not to threats, or bribes, or loving behavior. You cannot make a "deal" with an addict (if you quit drugs, then I will give you this) - he cannot keep up his end.

Everything I'm saying here is pretty much what you'd hear at any "friends and family" session at any rehab center. It's the "conventional wisdom" - everyone whose spent any time in the world of addiction knows these things to be true. I also personally experienced everything I'm saying here - my son was a heroin addict. I guess there could conceivably be an exception to the rule - but I wouldn't bet on it.

LoveMeNow

The 3 C's off Addiction:

You didn't Cause it,
You can't control it,
You can cure it!

You can, however,

Cause YOUR own happiness.
Control YOUR own thoughts and feelings.
Contribute to YOUR recovery.

lesliej

I love my exABF unconditionally and have deep compassion for his suffering. I pray for him and hope he finds recovery.

What I discovered after navigating through all the lies, deceit, manipulation, deflected blame, accusations, anger, etc etc etc (which I know is all part of his disease) is that while I love him as a person unconditionally... I DO have conditions on what I want in a love mate and partner.

I know he loves me, even under all that pain and anguish that his addiction causes. I believe he is better off without me because I no longer love him in a way that allows for deflecting blame, accusations, and deceit. When I provided my own self as that person for him I acted out of CO-dependency. Now, even though I love him, he stands alone. That way maybe, just maybe, he can see more clearly where he really is in his life.

I know that I can see MORE way clearly where I am at in MY life. I am NOT to blame for someone else's drug addiction! That is just simply absurd. Oldest lie in the book for an addict.

LoveMeNow

oops, bad typo!! sorry!

crazybabie

leslie, you just said how I feel about AH in a way I never would have thought to word it ty

saraylah

Having an ABF is hard and I was addicted to our relationship. The arguing, the fighting, the making up, the feeling sorry for him. But I did get tired of it all once he started blaming me for him going out and getting high. We had the same addiction - crack, but I knew that if I could stay clean he could stay clean. When I stood back and looked at the big picture, I realized all the reasons he gave me about me making him want to go get high like you didn't answer your phone so I didn't know where you were, or you made me sad cause you didn't let me hug you or we argue alot and you make me stress out-Honestly to him they are reasons because he was sick and thats what they are- sick. The addiction has made their mind soft- To a healthy minded person those were and are excuses to go get high. Yeah I am sober now and I had to walk away from him because he just didn't want to get away from the dope and it hurt me for a while because how can the person choose a substance over LOVE. Well that just showed me how much he loved me. I know he did love me in his own way but it wasn't healthy because of addiction. ( hes in jail now serving two years cause his addiction landed him there) You know what you need to do and thats get up and walk away, its just hard. But you will be able to do it once you've had enough. He'll be allright I promise you. He'll either realize hey I am loosing the best thing in my life to this dope or he'll remain in that fog of addiction and You deserve to enjoy life and smile, not be locked in some house with the blinds down inhaling smoke from all the cigarette smoke. Good luck to you. And I hope you're boyfriend tries to get some help. Stay strong.
And to answer your questions if an addict can love- yes mam they can and its the drug they love first. Its the high they love second. Its the looking for the next hit that they love. Its the not facing responsibility of their life that they love, its doing nothing to make themselves better that they love. They are blinded and afflicted with a disease that makes them feel what they think is good. Addiction is a chameleon and it lies to the addicted mind. Your boyfriend isn't the same person you fell in love with, hes progressed in his disease and the disease has worsened.
I wish you luck cause you're story sounds so similar to me and my xboyfriends story. You love him and you miss the guy that you fell in love with. Gosh it is hard but you must live too and its time that you do so.

Deserving

Wow, thank you all for your responses! You are all so kind for taking time to share. And I really appreciate your well wishes, I have felt so alone in my frustration.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Deserving, I also have to agree with everyone. My own son has no love for anything except Heroin. It has destroyed our family and our trust. He is 22.
Please get away from the addict. If you don't do anything different, don't expect he will change. Heroin is the most addictive, deceitful and debasing drug out there. Trust me, he will hurt you emotionally, financially and maybe even physically if you get in his way of using.
I have lost my precious son and the only thing that could ever bring him back is his entire collapse of everything he believes to be true. I allowed him home twice and both times he fell back into it. 3 years now of pure hell.