supportforme

I'm writing this post with the hopes that it may help at least 1 person face the reality of living with an addicted spouse. I kept reading all the posts here over the years and didn't see the danger I was putting my children in until now. Over 3 years ago, my AH admitted to an addiction to oxycodone after almost 2 years of erratic and disrespectful behavior, extramarital affairs, etc. At that time he begged me to give him a chance and help him. I decided to help him and "not destroy my kids lives with a divorce". I set boundries - no driving kids in car, monitor all cash, no drugs in house, etc. We lived in a continuous cycle of detox and relapse. He was high functioning, maintaing job, sharing responsibilities with the kids, trying to be a good partner with the exception of every 2-3 months, withdrawing and staying in the bedroom for 2-3 days. I became quite the detective during this time by searching his cell, bank accounts, ezpass just to see if he was taking pills. I was a fool. Recently, his behavior became bazar (repeating himself, falling asleep while talking, etc.) this never happened before. It all came to a head...long story short... he totalled his car, got a dui, was arrested, officers searched my home, federal officers contacted me and he is under a criminal investigation. I was shocked... this man never broke the law, coached little league, adored by his kids, worked around the house, never yelled, physically abused, we live in suburbia, etc. He was living a seperate life. I allowed the police to search my home, I cooperated with the federal agents, to prove to child protetice services & law officials that I was innocent. I realized that day that I endangered the welfare of my children by staying. He destroyed his kids lives and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I have filed for divorce and he is not in the home. My kids lives have been shattered. All I can do now is thank God, no one was killed in the accident and protect myself and my kids at all cost. If you are in this situation, please hear my words---I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it and I can't cure it - but I can absolutely do everything I can to protect myself and my kids so we are no longer a victim to this disease. The only thing that saved me is that I decided 3 years ago to begin therapy and I still continue. It prepared me for the devastation this disease causes. I thank God I found the strength to help myself. I just wanted to share for all of you that have children. I'm now left with rebuilding a life for me and the kids, which I know I can do. As for him, I pray to God that he gets the help he needs so that he can be a father to his kids. Thanks for letting me share.

LoveMeNow

The expression "let go or be dragged" really says it all.

I am so sorry for you and your children. Thank God is right!! Thankfully, you knew enough to get help when you did.

My prayers go out to you and your family...your AH too.

dollydo

Thank you so much for this post. I hope that all who have children living in the home with an addict will take your post to heart. The children are the true victims.

Farfalla

Thank you so much for posting. This is my life! I needed to read this today! It is amazing how my HP channels through another individual. GOD Bless you and your children. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing.

lightseeker

I'm so glad that you wrote this and hope that it will be the wake up call for anyone that needs to hear it. I so wish that I had heard something like this in 2004 when I got together with my now ex husband.

Once you get involved it is incredibly difficult to extract yourself (at least it was for me). Slowly (drip by drip) I learned the truth about my ex....if I had heard it all at one time I think I would have gotten it. However, each little piece of reality that he slipped in was parcelled out with me wanting to deny the situation since my heart was attached. I became as sick as he was without ever knowing it until I was smack in the middle of it.

I hope people don't think "my story is different" when they read this. We kid ourselves when we believe that our kids our okay. I kidded myself and I am learning to live with the pain of not putting them first for a long time. Kids do know, they are affected, it changes them.

I didn't even have the excuse that these were "our kids.....I know that the "promises" say that we will come to a place where we no longer regret the past but I honestly do not believe that I will ever get there in terms of what my choices did to my kids.

I appreciate your writing this....

SuzyMarie

I so appreciate you sharing this. I got involved with my ex almost 7 years ago. I too, slowly became so enmeshed in his addiction and became addicted to the chaos and drama associated with it. Over the years he has made some really poor choices when it came to his own children and subsequently my children, too. I still carry shame over my being so sick myself that I did anything I could to protect my addiction to him, and it was at the expense of my own kids. I just did not see it then And the situation did not get any better, addiction is a progressive disease. I am very thankful to be out of the relationship and very grateful to have mended my relationship with my kids.

Endofline

So nice that we all have each other support on this site . Here I am Friday night all alone wish there was some way to get together with all of you in person. I'm so lonely, now my husband is living with a friend and I'm sure partying and I'm justvsitting here and I can tell some of the few friends I have aRe just good onme and only being available when him and I are really on the outs. I made him my world and now I'm just alone.

LoveMeNow

I think most friends understand! But even so, better to be alone then in bad company.

:ghug3

Endofline

Thank you ,so much for your response I knowim glad he isn't in my face lying or begging out or ignoring me or just plain getting under my skin because he isn't what I want him to be. I just need to start totally from scratch and rebuild my life. It's different when your young and in school or a parent of yloungchild and meet people through kids. Mine are grown with lives of their own I'm just totally alone. It's a beautiful night I was going to take awalk bit I have been waiting for the lock smith since 630 to come change the locks. I'm ready for bed I guess some life

LoveMeNow

When we learn to love ourselves, we wont care who is around. And when we get comfortable being alone...thats when the right person will enter your life.

Be patient, be good to yourself, and get healthy so you can attract another healthy, whole person.

P.S. I am home alone and loving every second of it.

supportforme

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I've been actively on the site over the years but did not post because I needed to just absorb all the insight and guidance that you all so graciously gave me. I fooled myself for many years - he's a good man, he's working, he's kind, quack - quack.....This is a progressive disease. For me, it escalated to astronomical proportions within a 2 week period and in the end, he crashed and burned over a weekend. I reached my bottom and it's as if I see a path behind me now. I can no longer look at myself in the mirror and claim to be a good mother if I do anything less than what I'm doing now. I read the words but words cannot express the feelings once you hit your bottom and your path shifts= there is no longer doubt or should I, will he be better.... I thank God every day because I'm one of the lucky ones. I found the strength to continue with my therapy and growth to prepare me for the devastation. My children weren't in the car when he crashed. I can't completely control the emotional pain or even physical pain that his addiction has and will continue to cause me and my children; I can control our future by deciding to not allow his addiction to take us down with him. I can control our financial stability. I am the primary bread winner, have the mental and emotional capacity to rebuild. My heart goes out to those of you that are not as fortunate as I am. I will take this gift and rebuild. I have no choice -Now I understand why so many of you continue to provide your guidance and insight. I felt compelled to post with the hope that I can give someone the strenght they need. He hasn't taken everything - I have my wonderful boys, my integrity, my self respect and my wonderful family on SR Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. God Bless!!

Faithlove

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this post!!! I've read it numerous times. Its one that I always remember and look to for guidance and support.

I'd like to print it and give it to my in-laws but I doubt they would think this could happen to my stbxah. They still believe he's special. I now could care less if he's special or not. All I care about is removing my children from his craziness before Social Services is knocking on my door one day, or worse.

It makes me sick to think of all the what ifs that could happen to my precious sons because of stbxah.

So, thank you again for posting this! It's helped me to realize that even though I hold a doctorate and have a great job and am well liked in our community; that I'm not different. Addiction can destroy my life and my children's lives, just like anyone else's. It does not discriminate. It does not care if I'm a good person. Addiction will take my children down along with my stbxah if it needs to.

But I won't let it have my sons or me.

bunkie65

Amen to that! And thank God your able to rebuild yours and your childrens lifes! He will live just as he chooses and if he remains in active addiction...... well you know and so do I as heart breaking as it is the end results are unthinkable!

I left my active addict 7 years ago with a 2nd grader and a 5th grader, boys! Mine and his. I too stayed way to long while he spiraled into crack hell! I made a decision to leave it was not safe for us anymore. My sons are now 12th grade and 9th grade. My oldest is in the top 8% of his class and has been accepted to a 8 year dental program which he is getting over half of his tuition paid for and maybe more. My youngest is a's and b's a few c's. He struggled the most with anger as his dad continued to use and did not see him. I worked my 12 alanon program took them to alateen and got healthy and shared my recovery with my sons! I can't and don't even want to think what would of become of them if I would of stayed in that madness. I struggled being a single parent but had values, morals and lots of love and tools and understanding all of which I believe provided a safe and loving and stable environment for my sons yo grow up and be the awesome young men they are today.

So yess amen raising children in active addiction is a form of child abuse as I have read before. It is a scary unsafe hell and no place for children. You are an awesome mother and your kids will be just fine. Keep yourself healthy and nurture and love them and they will heal and you will too. Im living proof as are my sons you can come out the other side.

supportforme

Faith - Thank you for the kind words and for bringing this post to my attention. I NEEDED TO READ THIS TODAY!! With all the chaos, it is so easy to loose site of what we need to do to keep ourselves and children safe and healthy. It doesn't matter what your inlaws think so don't waste your time. What matters is that you are doing what's right for you and your children if we don't stay strong, this disease will take us and our children right down with them. I still pray every nite that my XAH finds the strength he needs, but there's nothing I can do for him. My reality check recently was to stop feeling the anxiety, pain and sadness over the father that my children no longer have and could possibly never have again. Nothing good is coming from those feelings. I am focusing on being what my boys need. Thank you again for reminding.

@bunkie - thanks for sharing and for your wonderful, encouraging words. your post strengthens my confidence in being able to succeed in raising these children in a healthy, loving, safe environment. Knowing you have made it past this part of the journey inspires me to keep growing. Thank you.

cynical one

Bump

KeepinItReal

Thank you for sharing. It confirms to me that while my husband is in active addiction he cannot live with me and will have to take me to court to see the kids.

subordinary

Cynical One, thanks for bumping this. I'm struggling with issues with my AW who is in recovery at this point but not living with us. I'd love to have her back in our lives but I need to be reminded that my kids are and should be my first priority.

sevenofnine

I needed to hear the reminder that anxiety and sadness over my kids losing their two parent house and maybe their dad too is serving no purpose except to hurt me. That's how it is, focus on taking care of the kids... Really really needed to hear that, plus remember the threat that living with addict might means for us.

LoveMeNow

Bump. Just a reminder about the truth about addiction and children.

I have seen pictures of him, her and their boys. It appeared to be the perfect family. Beautiful, successful, healthy.....they had it all.....until......... VERY SAD!!

charliesangel23

thank you so much for your post. my biggest struggle is the guilt I feel for not keeping our family together for our kids. your post sounds like the husband I used to have as well and it is so hard to come to the reality that is gone. reading others post helps keep me in that reality. thank you for giving me so strength and courage this morning to know I am doing the right thing for me and my kids!
hope everything works out for you and your children!