Left Son in Pain - Guilt in Progress
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Join Date: Jun 2002
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Posts: 452
Left Son in Pain - Guilt in Progress
AS has been in severe pain in neck, shoulders, arms for two weeks. He called me Wed. night to come take him to ER. He was frightened. I drove almost 2 hrs to pick him up. We were in ER all night. Horrible experience.
Sometimes even addicts have real pain. He knows where the hood is and doesn't need ER for pills. They wouldn't listen to his symptoms.. Took a chest x-ray. Period..Til I complained, so they took him for CAT scan. Came back in short time. Tech said AS couldn't/wouldn't manipulate arms in correct position. (He can't due to old accident..disabled)
The Dr. was furious and said to discharge him; he wouldn't treat him. Said he was trying to negotiate for meds. AS called him a "dumb ass" which didn't help. The dr. got madder and said that was "assault on a professional" and he was calling police and AS was going to jail! I tried to reason..No way...Told AS we were leaving then. Didn't sign out.
Minutes later, the hospital called and said AS needed to come back. The one scan they did succesfully get, showed an abnormality which needed further attention. I told them we would seek elsewhere; the dr. had said he was calling police. Caller said AS was not going to jail. We headed to another hospital in another town.
I know when pain is real. This is very real. Writhing and crying...threatening to end life, cursing, angry... I made a Stupid mistake!!!! I gave him a couple of xanax to help relax. He started dozing off, so when we got to 2nd ER, he wouldn't get out of the car, even when I sent for help. He was angry and refused to get out. I know. I hate me, too, for being so stupid!
I took him back to his room begging him the whole time to let me take him to ER. He has something significant going on and time isn't going to fix it.
After so much begging and no sleep, I told him if he wouldn't allow me to take him, I would leave and go home. He said "good riddance". I told him to call 911 if needed and that I wouldn't come back tonight or tomorrow.
AS has turned against me after all these years of saying it was nothing I had done. Now suddenly everything is my fault.
Listen closely newbies!! He said he was tired of being my cross to bear for my self-worth! Painful words to hear. I don't think that has anything to do with my difficulty in letting go. Does it? God, I pray not!! Forgive me if it has.
My husband thought maybe I should get a room in the area for the night, but I chose to come back home. Haven't slept since Tuesday night and still can't go to sleep. Home alone, feeling guilty for not staying nearby when AS is in such pain. I know he chose to got get out at the 2nd ER. but I feel responsible for that, too.
. I just couldn't take the yelling, blaming, cursing and helpless feeling any longer. So now I'm doing what he is doing. Crying, alone, and feeling miserable and guilty for leaving.
I'm in need of some serious bunny-slipper kicks. Sorry this is so long. I'm just in a grieving state again. Doubt either one of us will ever recover. Right now, I don't like me very much....and he doesn't either.
Sometimes even addicts have real pain. He knows where the hood is and doesn't need ER for pills. They wouldn't listen to his symptoms.. Took a chest x-ray. Period..Til I complained, so they took him for CAT scan. Came back in short time. Tech said AS couldn't/wouldn't manipulate arms in correct position. (He can't due to old accident..disabled)
The Dr. was furious and said to discharge him; he wouldn't treat him. Said he was trying to negotiate for meds. AS called him a "dumb ass" which didn't help. The dr. got madder and said that was "assault on a professional" and he was calling police and AS was going to jail! I tried to reason..No way...Told AS we were leaving then. Didn't sign out.
Minutes later, the hospital called and said AS needed to come back. The one scan they did succesfully get, showed an abnormality which needed further attention. I told them we would seek elsewhere; the dr. had said he was calling police. Caller said AS was not going to jail. We headed to another hospital in another town.
I know when pain is real. This is very real. Writhing and crying...threatening to end life, cursing, angry... I made a Stupid mistake!!!! I gave him a couple of xanax to help relax. He started dozing off, so when we got to 2nd ER, he wouldn't get out of the car, even when I sent for help. He was angry and refused to get out. I know. I hate me, too, for being so stupid!
I took him back to his room begging him the whole time to let me take him to ER. He has something significant going on and time isn't going to fix it.
After so much begging and no sleep, I told him if he wouldn't allow me to take him, I would leave and go home. He said "good riddance". I told him to call 911 if needed and that I wouldn't come back tonight or tomorrow.
AS has turned against me after all these years of saying it was nothing I had done. Now suddenly everything is my fault.
Listen closely newbies!! He said he was tired of being my cross to bear for my self-worth! Painful words to hear. I don't think that has anything to do with my difficulty in letting go. Does it? God, I pray not!! Forgive me if it has.
My husband thought maybe I should get a room in the area for the night, but I chose to come back home. Haven't slept since Tuesday night and still can't go to sleep. Home alone, feeling guilty for not staying nearby when AS is in such pain. I know he chose to got get out at the 2nd ER. but I feel responsible for that, too.
. I just couldn't take the yelling, blaming, cursing and helpless feeling any longer. So now I'm doing what he is doing. Crying, alone, and feeling miserable and guilty for leaving.
I'm in need of some serious bunny-slipper kicks. Sorry this is so long. I'm just in a grieving state again. Doubt either one of us will ever recover. Right now, I don't like me very much....and he doesn't either.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The last thing you need is bunny slipper kicks. Be gentle with yourself.
I'm sorry that you had such a horrific experience with the hospital. It's very hard to get the healthcare professionals to believe what's going on sometimes. They are "shopped" all the time......all that crying wolf that they deal with causes them to become calloused to the real thing. It's sad but true.
No matter what happens......none of this is your fault. Hopefully, your son will seek help if things seem to get worse. I do understand how hard it is to talk to them when they are in pain and all over the place. We dealt with something similar a few months ago when our son was pistol whipped and had the crap beat out of him. His finger was shattered from trying to protect himself and his head had several lacerations where the butt end of the gun whacked him across the skull. He was a bloody mess. It was awful. I also couldn't talk to him. He was high as a kite and was not making a lot of sense. I left him in the hospital (after surgery) and he promptly left against medical advice. I didn't hear from him for about two or three days after that.....I was worried. I understand your concern.
You and your dear son are in my prayers. Please keep us posted, ok?
gentle hugs
ke
I'm sorry that you had such a horrific experience with the hospital. It's very hard to get the healthcare professionals to believe what's going on sometimes. They are "shopped" all the time......all that crying wolf that they deal with causes them to become calloused to the real thing. It's sad but true.
No matter what happens......none of this is your fault. Hopefully, your son will seek help if things seem to get worse. I do understand how hard it is to talk to them when they are in pain and all over the place. We dealt with something similar a few months ago when our son was pistol whipped and had the crap beat out of him. His finger was shattered from trying to protect himself and his head had several lacerations where the butt end of the gun whacked him across the skull. He was a bloody mess. It was awful. I also couldn't talk to him. He was high as a kite and was not making a lot of sense. I left him in the hospital (after surgery) and he promptly left against medical advice. I didn't hear from him for about two or three days after that.....I was worried. I understand your concern.
You and your dear son are in my prayers. Please keep us posted, ok?
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Washbe, I can so relate to what you are feeling, and I know that many of us on this board can. No matter what you do or feel, it's wrong (or seems that way). If you are loving and kind and give in to doing what mother's do (i.e., take care of their sons), then you are enabling, standing between his addiction and its consequences, delaying or preventing his recovery, and demonstrating a pathetic lack of self worth because you are loving and forgiving in the face of his abuse and repeated betrayals. If you turn away, shut the door to him emotionally, then you are abandoning your son, whom you love, when he is in pain and most needs help (even if he doesn't recognize it). Damned if you do, damned if you don't. And now he's added this idea that you put up with him because it feeds your self-worth (presumably because you get to wear the hat of the saintly martyr?). Don't buy into that for a second. You want to help him despite his abusive, deceitful, and self-destructive behavior because you love him, and because you believe that his horrible words and actions are symptoms of a fatal disease and not who he really is. The hardest thing in the world when you love an addict is knowing when to turn your back and when to reach out to help. I don't think that there is ever a simple answer to that question, as it turns on so many factors that are unique to the circumstances and the particular addict. And no matter which path you ultimately decide upon, you are never sure if you've made the right decision. Am I enabling, or am I appropriately helping right now? Am I facilitating his and my recovery by turning my back, or is this the moment when my help would make the difference? It's hard to ever know the answers to these questions that we ask ourselves over and over again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
((hugs))
I am so sorry for your pain. As others have said, the last thing you need is a kick. Take care of yourself and know you did the best you could to try to get help for your son. You are a great mother. It is not your fault he chose to not get out at the 2nd ER. None of this is your fault.
I hope you're able to get some rest. You deserve it and desperately need it. Make a cup of tea, take a bubble bath, recite the serenity prayer over and over until you believe it. when I'm really struggling i find listening to guided meditations can help (there are plenty of free ones you can download from iTunes). I've literally spent countless nights in bed, snuggled up with my iPod set to "loop" playing guided meditations. It's one of the only things that would help me feel rested even if I didn't get much actual sleep. Look up "meditation station" on iTunes, it's been a huge help to me.
I am so sorry for your pain. As others have said, the last thing you need is a kick. Take care of yourself and know you did the best you could to try to get help for your son. You are a great mother. It is not your fault he chose to not get out at the 2nd ER. None of this is your fault.
I hope you're able to get some rest. You deserve it and desperately need it. Make a cup of tea, take a bubble bath, recite the serenity prayer over and over until you believe it. when I'm really struggling i find listening to guided meditations can help (there are plenty of free ones you can download from iTunes). I've literally spent countless nights in bed, snuggled up with my iPod set to "loop" playing guided meditations. It's one of the only things that would help me feel rested even if I didn't get much actual sleep. Look up "meditation station" on iTunes, it's been a huge help to me.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Wow Washbe, it sounds like you've been through an awful lot, the last few days. I'm so sorry. I do, as all other Mothers here, understand the pain & all other emotions that you've gone through. I know that you are just so very tired. You did do the best that you could as a Mother under those unmanageable circumstances. It's time to take care of you & pamper yourself back to health. Just wanted you to know that as another Mother of a sick son, I do understand. Please don't feel guilty about any of it. You're doing the best you can. (((((((Caring Hugs)))))))
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Well here I am with the bunny slippers but I am only going to "nudge" the blame and shame stick right out of your hand.
Washbe, you are a wonderful mother with a difficult son. You have a big heart that is fragile and breakable and filled with love and compassion, I know because I've walked with you for many years now and we both know that nothing we do will help our boys until they are willing to help themselves.
So lets both wear our bunny slippers and stroll over to the cheesecake store, order up a couple of big slices and just catch us some peace for a while.
Washbe, you are a wonderful mother with a difficult son. You have a big heart that is fragile and breakable and filled with love and compassion, I know because I've walked with you for many years now and we both know that nothing we do will help our boys until they are willing to help themselves.
So lets both wear our bunny slippers and stroll over to the cheesecake store, order up a couple of big slices and just catch us some peace for a while.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
Thanks, friends, for loving, supporting, and not kicking me too hard, but so wisely reminding me of what I really need to do.
Today, I plan to rest on the sofa, watch re-runs all afternoon and ask my hubby to bring home dinner.
There are some large decisions to be made within a week concerning AS which I will post later and seek wise counsel from all of you. But for today, I don't want to think about it.
Heartbroken, I love your suggestion, and will also work on that today. Then I'll have a slice , well...maybe two, of Ann's marvelous cheeesecake.
Thank you again, for allowing me to wake up and be greeted with your wonderful words of friendship and understand. (((((all of you))))
Today, I plan to rest on the sofa, watch re-runs all afternoon and ask my hubby to bring home dinner.
There are some large decisions to be made within a week concerning AS which I will post later and seek wise counsel from all of you. But for today, I don't want to think about it.
Heartbroken, I love your suggestion, and will also work on that today. Then I'll have a slice , well...maybe two, of Ann's marvelous cheeesecake.
Thank you again, for allowing me to wake up and be greeted with your wonderful words of friendship and understand. (((((all of you))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Washbe, Dont beat yourself up. Our love for our children will always and forever be in our hearts. How can you think you are to blame? In reading the post, you did everything you could. Your son is lashing out at you undeservedly.
I think this is an excellent idea (watching TV today and cheesecake!)
Let your heart and mind have some rest.
Hugs and Support to you
TT
I think this is an excellent idea (watching TV today and cheesecake!)
Let your heart and mind have some rest.
Hugs and Support to you
TT
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Compassion is not something to be ashamed of.
How many people come to SR and say-----
"I caught my daughter smoking
a joint,so I threw her out,cut off her college money,and disowned her....when
she came back to my front door I pointed a pistol at her and told her next time she
comes to my door I pull the trigger".
NOONE DOES THAT!!!! (save the seriously sociopathic)
Does our compassion get taken advantage sometimes? Of course it does----but the
dark side wins when we decide to kick every puppy that crosses our path because a dog
bit us once,long ago.
Refine,recalibrate,and manage your trust & compassion.But don't lose them---they are what
make you human.
Sorry,Washbe2.......not even bunny slipper kicks for you!!!
How many people come to SR and say-----
"I caught my daughter smoking
a joint,so I threw her out,cut off her college money,and disowned her....when
she came back to my front door I pointed a pistol at her and told her next time she
comes to my door I pull the trigger".
NOONE DOES THAT!!!! (save the seriously sociopathic)
Does our compassion get taken advantage sometimes? Of course it does----but the
dark side wins when we decide to kick every puppy that crosses our path because a dog
bit us once,long ago.
Refine,recalibrate,and manage your trust & compassion.But don't lose them---they are what
make you human.
Sorry,Washbe2.......not even bunny slipper kicks for you!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 134
Washbe2 ..... cheesecake is always a good answer for anything I say! We are all walking this ugly dark road together and we all make mistakes along the way ... but we are each doing the best we can and have come together her to love, and encourage one another the one thing that truly unites us is not addiction it is the LOVE we have for our addicts. I learned long ago not to beat myself up over anything having to do with my AS ... it is all born out of a sincere desire to see him whole again ... I also learned that many other moms have walked before me and have much wisdom to offer. God is so good that He brings his children together in crisis. There is no judgement here only love and compassion ... I am praying for a good restful evening for you (((Washbe2))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
Washbe- My all-nighters to the ER with AD in tow were physically/mentally/emotionally draining. Since my AD has been on her own, she has taken herself to the ER at least twice and I have been spared the drama. In fact, I think she is far less dramatic when I am not around. You definitely did what you could to help, and at some level, I think your son realizes this. I hope you are feeling calmer today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
I am calmer today. Removing myself and putting distance between us does help. I only hope it helps him as well. The night I came back home, a friend of his called to ask was he okay; they couldn't get in touch with him. I told them the story. They said they were going to check on him and try to get him to go to a different ER again.
Yesterday, I stayed in all day, watching tv and playing on tech gadgets, never even putting on shoes. I feel much better today.
This may be difficult for some of you to believe, but since the friends called night before last, I have not even called to check on son! It would only upset me and accomplish nothing for him.
It finally dawned on me why he reacts so differently to me. He mentioned several times when I was there, that he couldn't believe I, his own mom, called the police on him that terrible night back in November. I still don't regret that. His life was at stake.
Enough of me. Getting back to the routine of life today. Thank you all, dear friends, for so patiently allowing me to share, vent, cry, confess, and fret to you. I don't know your faces, but I know your hearts.
Yesterday, I stayed in all day, watching tv and playing on tech gadgets, never even putting on shoes. I feel much better today.
This may be difficult for some of you to believe, but since the friends called night before last, I have not even called to check on son! It would only upset me and accomplish nothing for him.
It finally dawned on me why he reacts so differently to me. He mentioned several times when I was there, that he couldn't believe I, his own mom, called the police on him that terrible night back in November. I still don't regret that. His life was at stake.
Enough of me. Getting back to the routine of life today. Thank you all, dear friends, for so patiently allowing me to share, vent, cry, confess, and fret to you. I don't know your faces, but I know your hearts.
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