Am I doing the right thing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
Am I doing the right thing
My 31 year old daughter has been living with me for the last 8 months after her last breakup.
She is a drug addict (pot/Meth/Cocaine) and also Bi-polar. She has gone to rehab two times in the last eight months.
After the last rehab I told her she could not return to my home. There is a list a mile long (stealing, not working, etc.) as to why I can't have her here but the most important one is that it was affecting my health and work.
She went to a transitional home from rehab. She lasted a week there. She went back to the rehab and they put her in a different home and she lasted the whole sum of three days there. She told me "those places are not for me".
Now, she is showing up on my doorstep and I refuse to let in. She is making no effort to help herself out of this situation. She will not even go to one of the homeless shelters I have found for her.
Am I doing the right thing by forcing her out into the streets?
Thanks, Dina T
She is a drug addict (pot/Meth/Cocaine) and also Bi-polar. She has gone to rehab two times in the last eight months.
After the last rehab I told her she could not return to my home. There is a list a mile long (stealing, not working, etc.) as to why I can't have her here but the most important one is that it was affecting my health and work.
She went to a transitional home from rehab. She lasted a week there. She went back to the rehab and they put her in a different home and she lasted the whole sum of three days there. She told me "those places are not for me".
Now, she is showing up on my doorstep and I refuse to let in. She is making no effort to help herself out of this situation. She will not even go to one of the homeless shelters I have found for her.
Am I doing the right thing by forcing her out into the streets?
Thanks, Dina T
Last edited by DinaT; 06-06-2012 at 07:56 PM. Reason: Editing
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,872
Hon, YOU are not forcing her out onto the streets, SHE is choosing that option. She has other options but she says "they are not for me." She is hoping you will break and let her live with you. Stick to your guns. She will either stay on the streets or she'll decide that maybe those other options aren't all that bad.
I know it's hard and I know it hurts, but you ARE doing the right thing.
I know it's hard and I know it hurts, but you ARE doing the right thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
Thanks Suki -- when she showed up tonight and I wouldn't let her in she asked me to take her to the Mental Clinic. I wouldn't even let her in the house to change clothes. I took her there and I hope they keep her for a few days. I am sure she is off her medication and has lost it, she has lost everything else she possessed.
I feel horrible about what I am doing. When I eat, all I can think about is, is she hungry. When I got to bed, I wonder is she is laying somewhere outside in the grass. To her I am the problem and she has told me and the neighborhood about it several times. She has screamed at the top of her lungs at me and called me every name in the book.
I hope she breaks soon and hopefully before I do.
I feel horrible about what I am doing. When I eat, all I can think about is, is she hungry. When I got to bed, I wonder is she is laying somewhere outside in the grass. To her I am the problem and she has told me and the neighborhood about it several times. She has screamed at the top of her lungs at me and called me every name in the book.
I hope she breaks soon and hopefully before I do.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
i have not been in this situation and hope my 2 children never go down this path, but i hope that i am as strong as you if i am ever faced with a very heart retching situation. its called tough love. if it was easy it would be called easy love. but i agree with suki...she has choses, and hopefully she will take one of them. stick to your guns, even though it feels like crap. i hope for a good result for both of you.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am so sorry DinaT you have to go through this. But you have come to the right place. There are so many wonderful mothers here who will support you and give great advice. They have learned through pain and experience but have taken back their own lives and now live with serenity.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......there are many mothers here who have had to make the heartbreaking decision to allow their adult children feel the consequences of their decisions. It's the toughest thing I have ever had to do.
Your daughter has been through rehab. She has the tools she needs to get clean and sober. Now it's up to her to use them....or not.
Stick around. There are many here who understand. You and your dear daughter will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Your daughter has been through rehab. She has the tools she needs to get clean and sober. Now it's up to her to use them....or not.
Stick around. There are many here who understand. You and your dear daughter will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Hello, DinaT I agree with the others you are doing the right thing and she has options.
I had too do the same thing with my oldest AS, I knew he was living on the streets and he also has a mental health diagnosis he would not take his medication and self medicated.
Have you considered attending any meetings for you Al-anon, Nar-anon, Families Anonymous?
You can't change or control the choices your daughter makes but you can start recovery for yourself and have a support system.
I really was a hard one to get to attend face 2 face meetings now I am so glad that I made that move.
I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.
Hugs, from one mother to another.
I had too do the same thing with my oldest AS, I knew he was living on the streets and he also has a mental health diagnosis he would not take his medication and self medicated.
Have you considered attending any meetings for you Al-anon, Nar-anon, Families Anonymous?
You can't change or control the choices your daughter makes but you can start recovery for yourself and have a support system.
I really was a hard one to get to attend face 2 face meetings now I am so glad that I made that move.
I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.
Hugs, from one mother to another.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Dina)) - I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. I have loved ones who are A's, but I'm also a recovering addict. If it weren't for my loved ones letting me dig a really deep hole and figure out how to get OUT of that hole, I doubt I would be here.
Yes, I have the support of my family since I've been in recovery, but when I was using? They told me they loved me, but I was not allowed home, I was not given money, I was allowed to live my life as I chose.
Your daughter is making her own choices. It is NOT your fault. FWIW, I lived on the streets for quite a while. It was MY decision (all I had to do was get clean and I could have moved home). Looking back, it was a pretty lousy decision, but at the time? I wanted my dope and the freedom to do what I wanted to do. Enough bad consequences? I chose recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Yes, I have the support of my family since I've been in recovery, but when I was using? They told me they loved me, but I was not allowed home, I was not given money, I was allowed to live my life as I chose.
Your daughter is making her own choices. It is NOT your fault. FWIW, I lived on the streets for quite a while. It was MY decision (all I had to do was get clean and I could have moved home). Looking back, it was a pretty lousy decision, but at the time? I wanted my dope and the freedom to do what I wanted to do. Enough bad consequences? I chose recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Dina,
I used to feel that guilt about eating, sleeping in my bed, watching tv, taking a shower in my own bathroom, etc. But then I realized, I've been working, paying my rent, not taking drugs, working, working, working - the money I make I earn. I thank God that I have a home (ok, one bedroom apt.) and bed to sleep in, food in my fridge and my own bathroom to shower in, I'm grateful. If my son (also 31) would get a job he could pay for these same necessities.
My son checked himself into a 10 day spin-dry detox/rehab (not his 1st try) and ended up going to a 6 mo. recovery house. He called the 1st day in the recovery house and said "I can't stay here." But he had no where else to go but back to homelessness and he didn't want to do that no matter what. He stayed the entire 6 mo. They offered him a sober living home after that - he called me after getting there and said "I can't stay here." But he had no where else to go but back to homelessness . . . he stayed.
It isn't easy, I've struggled through his addiction, his insanity, my insanity, guilt, hatred, enabling, love, sadness, anger, lies, etc., etc. I'm sorry for what you're going through and pray for you and your daughter.
I used to feel that guilt about eating, sleeping in my bed, watching tv, taking a shower in my own bathroom, etc. But then I realized, I've been working, paying my rent, not taking drugs, working, working, working - the money I make I earn. I thank God that I have a home (ok, one bedroom apt.) and bed to sleep in, food in my fridge and my own bathroom to shower in, I'm grateful. If my son (also 31) would get a job he could pay for these same necessities.
My son checked himself into a 10 day spin-dry detox/rehab (not his 1st try) and ended up going to a 6 mo. recovery house. He called the 1st day in the recovery house and said "I can't stay here." But he had no where else to go but back to homelessness and he didn't want to do that no matter what. He stayed the entire 6 mo. They offered him a sober living home after that - he called me after getting there and said "I can't stay here." But he had no where else to go but back to homelessness . . . he stayed.
It isn't easy, I've struggled through his addiction, his insanity, my insanity, guilt, hatred, enabling, love, sadness, anger, lies, etc., etc. I'm sorry for what you're going through and pray for you and your daughter.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Dina, I am adding my voice to the chorus saying that you are doing the right thing. You can't have a person (even your child) in active addiction living in your home. As many have said, providing a soft landing for your beloved addict only perpetuates the addiction and allows it to get worse. An addict will only contemplate recovery if the negative consequences of her addiction outweighs the benefit of being high IN HER EYES, so you have to stand back and let her experiences the consequences of her addiction, however miserable they may be.
All that being said, your decision to keep your AD out of your home should be primarily for YOUR benefit, not motivated by a desire to influence her behavior. Because you never know what will make her hit her bottom, or when (or IF) she will. You keep her out of your house to preserve YOUR health and sanity and prospects for happiness. YOU deserve these things, because you are choosing to live responsibly and in a manner designed to maximize these benefits. Your daughter is choosing to live in a way that maximizes chaos, misery, poverty, etc. This is not YOUR choice, so why should she be permitted to drag you into the consequences of addiction?
All that being said, your decision to keep your AD out of your home should be primarily for YOUR benefit, not motivated by a desire to influence her behavior. Because you never know what will make her hit her bottom, or when (or IF) she will. You keep her out of your house to preserve YOUR health and sanity and prospects for happiness. YOU deserve these things, because you are choosing to live responsibly and in a manner designed to maximize these benefits. Your daughter is choosing to live in a way that maximizes chaos, misery, poverty, etc. This is not YOUR choice, so why should she be permitted to drag you into the consequences of addiction?
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