In need of support...My thoughts are all over

Old 06-06-2012, 10:18 AM
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Unhappy In need of support...My thoughts are all over

Hi everyone.
Well much has happened so I am sorry for not posting sooner but I have been reading everyday.
I have a permanent restraining order against my AH. I was granted full custody of our minor child and he has court supervised visitation with no contact via text or phone to my minor child.
Fast forward...
Two days after permanent restraining order was granted he violated order. He was arrested and released after posting full cash bail.
Fast forward...
My AH claims to be 21days clean. He has a 27year history of drug abuse with a brief rehab stent in November (15days - 9 of which detox). He has contacted my adult child on many occassions with the manipulation tactics even as recent as yesterday. Tactics such as "your mother doesn't love me anymore", etc. When he doesn't get his way or response he needed to hear his actions and words become hostile. He "may" be clean 21 days, which I doubt, but by all means he is not sober. He doesn't work a recovery program on a daily basis. He is working his own program. I however continue to work my program, f2f meetings, therapy, CAL reading, working step four, working with a sponsor, reaching out to my fellowship between meetings, etc. All I can do is work on me and provide the necessary support for both my children, get them the support services they need. My AH doesn't understand I have a restraining order for a reason. My AH doesn't understand I will not speak to him unless he is 90days clean and sober. He has this idea in his head that in 90 days I am moving back to our marital home and that simply is not what I foresee in my future. For today I know I can't go back and live in the toxicity of addiction. My scars from being hurt run so deep. I may eventually forgive him for the past hurts but I am not there yet and even when I do forgive I don't know I want to go back into a relationship. I held on for so long to an idea of what I wanted and tried to force my relationship with him to be just that but it never was. I don't know him. I never knew him. He was using our entire marriage. I don't know him clean or sober.
I am sorry for rambling. I am trying to get my thoughts out and hope someone will respond with support. I guess I need encouragement I am doing the right thing. I feel very sad for my AH. He tries to make me feel guilty for leaving but in reality it is and was his behavior and actions that caused me to leave. The betrayal and lies for so long felt like more than I could bare. I felt trapped beyond believe because I feared I could not survive without him. I am finding anger some times. The anger I hope is coming from the realization I did not nor do I deserve to be lied to or cheated on. I deserve better even if better is just simply being by myself. I am worth more. I worry how my children will take a divorce if that is what is to come of my relationship. I guess all I can do is continue to surround them with love and continue to get them the help from these rooms, the rooms of Naranon/Alanon and Alateen and therapy. My AH still blames. He blames everyone else for his actions, "I did this because you did that". We, as a family take a back seat to his addiction. If he enters recovery, we will take a back seat to his recovery. I am a mother and everything else in my life is secondary. I have to protect, to teach accepatable behavior and my children will know I was strong enough to endure.
Please, please give me words of encouragement and/or support. I am grieving.
Hugs to you all.
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Old 06-06-2012, 11:07 AM
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I don't know your history, but you have a restraining order against him for a reason. Was he physically violent? Just speaking for myself, I would never return to someone who had been violent. That isn't something that just goes away, whether he is drinking or not.

Children deal with divorce every day. They will be fine. It is much better than living with an active addict or an abuser. As long as they know you love them and are doing what you feel is the best thing for them, they will adapt, just as millions of other children do.

It is obvious that you love your children very much, so continue doing what you feel is best for their safety and well-being. They will thank you for it someday.
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Old 06-06-2012, 12:36 PM
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He tries to make me feel guilty for leaving but in reality it is and was his behavior and actions that caused me to leave.
An addict's best defense is to keep us off balance. They often do this using Fear Obligation and Guilt (the ol' FOG thing again). Their manipulations often keep us in a F.O.G.

When I deal with my feelings and acknowledge what I am feeling, I can often tell when I am feeling fear, obligation or guilt. Those are three feelings that I couldn't recognize for a really long time. I found that I often would react to those feelings to make them STOP because they were so uncomfortable for me and since I couldn't recognize the feelings......my reactions were usually inappropriate. This is what manipulation is made of.....fear, obligation and guilt. Make someone feel uncomfortable enough with those feelings and you can get them to do just about anything. And an addict knows this.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 06-07-2012, 05:40 AM
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It sounds to me like you're heading in the right direction. Your children will survive a divorce far better than they will survive the chaos of being involved in the life of an addict. As Kindeyes said, FOG is their tool and they use it with dexterity. Mine used it to keep me hanging on and now is using to hold me away. EVERYTHING is my fault and he was so unfairly treated... From what I have seen and read a successful recovery is not possible without the addict/alcoholic being willing to take on responsibility for not only their present life but also the consequences of their previous actions.
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Old 06-07-2012, 05:47 AM
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Thank you everyone for posting.
@Anvilhead - I am not hoping for any outcome other than him remaining clean and getting sober for his children. You are absolutely, 100% right - I have a restraining order, I do not live with him and there is no relationship. He has no respect for me, my children or the law as evident with the violation of the restraining order. He has chosen his path in life. I tried, the best I knew how pre-program. Now that I have my program and all the tools I need to work on me. You are right again...sadness or pity over the circumstances, his circumstances caused by his actions, only keeps me hooked to him.

@Kindeyes
Thank you for posting about F.O.G. Making me feel uncomfortable is all a part of his manipulation.

Yesterday he contacted our 19 year old on her birthday. He was emotional, crying. He is worried about his upcoming court hearing for the restraining order violation. He then called me. Yes, called me with no regard he was already arrested for violating the order and that by calling me and me reporting the offense it will be a mandatory 30days in jail. He was nasty, demanding to know if I will "do this with" him. I didn't understand what he was referring to. So I asked do what. He replied...will you support me through my recovery will you be there in the end, I am doing this for you to get you back. I had to say it is over, work on yourself, I will work on me and help our children with the help they need and then hung up.

He really does get the Oscar for Manipulation!
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