lostheragain

wife that i love is addicted to vicoden. i found out last year when it got so bad that she coud hardly get out of bed for several months. up until that time i had no idea at all. now that i know what to look for, i find that she has started using again. i will not continue with this. I have been reading on here a lot and am confused between being a codependant/enabler and being a loving supporting husband for her recovery. a week from this fri i plan on confronting her with this (she does not yet know that i know) as i will be home the eniter following week should she choose to stay with me and sober up. (her other choice is to lose me, i sure hope that she makes the right one!) if she chooses to detox again and try to make things work out, how do i support her in that and yet maintain some distance? how do i go from taking over our finances and asking for drug tests to trusting again someday? i am sorry if my questions are a bit of a run on or jumbled, way to much crap going through my head and heart right now.

tmz..got your message, will respond as soon as they let me.
thanks!

incitingsilence

Everything cynical advised, support her by helping yourself, and know she is capable of helping herself.

From there in reading both your threads this morning I offer this.

She hopes you don’t know, but you do.
You think she doesn’t realize you know, but most likely she does and is hoping you won’t say anything. They can see signs too, in our behavior toward them.

Why wait, just flat out tell her I know you are using. Then maybe ask have you had enough yet or will you be continuing on? You do not need to prove to her she is using, you don’t need to engage in a conversation about her using either. Keep it simple, least amount of words as possible. Leave the ball in her court, give her a chance to decide if she is ready to take some action or if she isn’t done yet, while looking for action, on her part…

And you shouldn’t offer suggestions or solutions to her problem. Let her think things through.

Then start working on what you need to do for you. Ultimatums I find don’t work nor do they help and are more a form of control because we can’t make a decision. At this point she doesn’t seem to have a problem with using, only you have a problem with it.

I also advise you take some time and set up some boundaries, and know they are for you, not designed with motive behind them to get her to stop using. Also do not set a boundary that you know in your heart know you will not follow through with,.

Some examples and remember no explanation is needed.

I can’t not live with someone actively using. (issue here, if she is on the lease or mortgage she doesn’t have to leave, which means you might have to)
I will take all necessary action to protect myself from your using mentally, financially, legally.
I will not be bailing you out of any consequences you incur while using. I will not also not be accepting responsibility for you using, this is yours not mine.

And so on and so forth…

Good Luck!

lostheragain

thank you both. i have read and learned from some of your blogs so thank you! incitingsilence... the biggest reason i have not confronted her yet is because i have come to the decision that i will not live with someone who is using. and i feel that i need to be ready to leave should she decide not to stop. i will not tell her anything that i am not prepared to follow through with and therefor i want to make sure that i am ready to walk out that door if necessary. I want to be sure of myself and as i am sure you can tell from my few posts so far i am not quite there yet but am getting closer everyday!