gigi53

Hi, I'm a mom of an AS heroin addict who will be released from prison in 3wks. He will be in for 6mos and on parole for a year. He was homeless for a short time before he went to prison as his dad & I agreed he would not be able to live with us anylonger. He has not worked at recovery because he doesn't want to. He was in court ordered rehab, and was kicked out d/t He would not commit to complete sobriety (thinks he can drink alcohol as "it's not my addiction"). He has no idea where he will go when released, other than I guess the prison arranges for him to go to a shelter in the county he came from. He says he has no problem being homeless as he accepts this as his life, knowing he will eventually end up in jail/prison again. I have asked him to try and live in a halfway house, he has in the past and says he can not abide by all the rules and regulations plus he feels he will not be able to get a job d/t his felonies(heroin possession/ theft at a store to support his habit). He refuses God, he won't do 12 step because he doesn't believe in their philosophy, etc., etc., etc. He does sound hopeless, and is depressed.
My dilemna; I want to get him help, perhaps some counseling to help him figure out what his core problem is(he does agree to getting counseling) but without a roof over his head and food, I feel it would be fruitless. So I am thinking about (this is my dilemna as I am seeing enabling red flags) finding an efficiency apartment or room and paying for a month or 2 rent while he gets personal counseling. I would have to pay for all of this as he does not have health insurance.
Please talk to me, I am having such an inner struggle right now. I will get to an Naranon meeting on Thursday, but would love some feedback. Can't talk to hubby because he has detached from his son w/o love.

Thank you so much in advance.

Impurrfect

((gigi)) - sorry you are going through this. In addition to being a recovering codie, I'm also an RA (recovering addict). My dad offered me rehab, counseling, but I wasn't done using. Had he put ME in an apt.? Well, it would have gotten me off the streets, but I would have still used.

I know that's not what you want to hear, but I was homeless by choice. My dope was more important to me than anything and until I got sick and tired of the consequences, I was not going to quit. Some people never do, unfortunately.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

suki44883

This is your son and you love him. That is completely normal. However, you want to help him and he has all these conditions. He doesn't like the rules at a half-way house, he doesn't agree with the philosophy of AA. This is not someone who is ready to straighten out his life. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but if he were truly ready, he would jump at the chance to move into a half-way house and go to AA.

I know how much it hurts to see our children making such bad choices, but he does have choices...he just wants it to be easy. Well, because of his past choices, it is NOT going to be easy for a long time. He will have to earn every chance he gets and he just doesn't sound ready.

If he has no problem being homeless, then allow him to live his life as he chooses. You cannot save him.

liv1ce

I never got to the point of being homeless but certainly hopeless. I was approached by various and sundry people all of whom meant something to me but what they had to say didn't mean anything to me. As indicated above I was not ready to be done using and until I was nothing was going to stop me. An addict will do anything to protect his addiction including self debasement. I feel that each addict has a personal trigger that is undetermined and for many never pulled. Good luck and remember it is not your problem but his. If you can separate yourself from it - very difficult with your own son - it can allow you to live on in spite of HIS decisions.

Heartbroken0608

I am so sorry! I know the pain you are in as I have been in your exact position. What I found was that I was wanting to do all those things (get him an apartment, etc) to help ME feel better. I could not breathe imagining him homeless, hungry, etc. He seemed to be basically ok with the life he was living but I wasn't and wanted to do anything I possibly could to help him, save him, get him to live the life I wanted him to live. It sounds like your son, like mine, isn't ready yet (YET.. There is always hope, don't forget that).

There are counselors available in jail and in most homeless shelters. He has options and there is help available if he wants it.

Please read the stickies at te top of this forum and continue to post and read. There is so much wisdom here and many moms who understand your pain.

I will keep you and your sons in my prayers.

TMZ

gigi, after 4 years as a member here I think you truly know the answers to your dilemma. But you feel since your husband has detached w/o Love that you need to still do something to help. The thing is you can't help this is his mountain to climb and you can't do it for him.

Someone once told me; " how dare you take control of his life it is his life to live and he is entitled to make his own choices and mistakes. And if I would quit interfering he would make better choices." That is what they told me about how I was wanting to help my son 30 years old and hooked on heroin. It wasn't till I let go and let God did he even think about what he was doing wrong. You see I always stepped in to save him. Make life easier on him and maybe he would get better. Not till I left it up to him to live life as he wanted did he decide he wanted a better life.

Go to the Nar-anon meeting and learn what you can do for yourself first.
Be well,

Kindeyes

I do understand all of the triggers you are feeling right now. I've felt them all and done my share of enabling my addicted son over the years.

I think the most important thing that I have realized is that the enabling things I do because it makes me feel better as heartbroken0608 mentioned. I just can't fathom imagine that a decent mother would allow her offspring to suffer....that is my own sick thinking. My son's addiction was killing me too. It was affecting MY relationships with others in my life. I lost contact with my grandson because of my attempt to maintain some kind of relationship with my son. I finally realized that I was going to lose all of the people I love, one by one, in exchange for a non-relationship with my very sick son. Losing my grandson was the straw that broke the camels back.......I wasn't willing to lose anymore healthy relationships in exchange for a very toxic one.

I think your son has expressed his life choices. He has a right to those life choices.....regardless of how you feel about it. That's a tough pill to swallow......I've had to swallow that same pill. When I asked what my son what his bottom will be....he replied......"dead". I said "ok then I need to accept that." Inside I was screaming but I knew that I did need to accept that he has the right to live his life any way he chooses.

I love my son with all of my heart. But I can't be around him. It jeopardizes my emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual health. I share this with you so that you know that there is another mother who has had to make some very difficult decisions. But these decisions were made after many years of trying to "help" my beautiful son. He doesn't want my help unless it's on his terms which are to my own detriment.

You face some tough choices and I hope you know that there are many others who will not judge you for whatever choices you make. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

cangel2

I feel for you and offer you strength as you are going through this.

I do have one question....what is it your son has planned once he is released. I hear what you would like to have happen and you seem to have some wonderful ideas to help him. But, what does he have planned?

Perhaps once you hear what he has lined up you can better decide if and what aspects of his recovery plan you are willing to support.

Listen to what he has to say and observe his actions. It is too easy to get caught up in our heads about what we think they are thinking and what is best for them.

Sometimes they come up with horrible ideas and sometimes they come up with great ideas.......but they always come up with their own ideas and path. All we can do is decide what we are willing to support within their plans and what we are not willing to support.

Listening is so hard when all of our Hopeful feelings are beating us about the head......Hugs to you!

Tinks65

((gigi53)) Your dilemma is my dilemma, actually it is the same for most of us here. We want to get them help. We desperately want to get them help! We want them to see that their lives could be so much more. We want them to see that this (addiction) is not who they are! We want them to find peace, happiness.....

alas, it is not about what we want because if it was there would be no need for this board.

You want to do something, you need to think of things you can do that are healthy for the both of you. Pouring money and resources into him when he is in active addiction not wanting change will benefit him to a degree in that it will make his life temporarily more comfortable but it will drain you, stress you, possibly lower your quality of life due to financial needs and even open the door to possible bitterness later if after all efforts still there is no change ....

One of my favorite quotes is this
"Men may spurn our appeals, reject our message, oppose our arguments, despise our persons - but they are helpless against our prayers" Sidlow Baxter

I happen to believe there is great power in prayer, it has truly changed my life. It is one of the few things I have left that I can do for my AS and it is also one of the most effective and most powerful. You and your son are in my prayers tonight.

gigi53

Big hugs to all of you. I read all your words with tears streaming down my face, as I heard every word you said. I do realize what I need to do for myself but I guess I just needed to hear it from others that have or are going through a similar thing.

To Crangel, my son has no plan. When he rejected all my suggestions, I asked him "what is it that would be your ideal situation when you get out?"
he replied, "to come live with you & dad". Then I asked what is the second ideal situation, he replied "to live with a relative". I told him that was nice but that no one would want to take him in if he was unwilling to get help in his addiction. He said, "yeah I know", so it's no problem, I will be homeless.
The only other thing he ask from me is if I could pick him up from Prison (4hrs away from the town he was born and raised) and if I will, will I take him out to eat. I will most likely pick him up, take him to eat and then drop him off at the homeless shelter that the prison will arrange for him to go to. This sounds so sad when I reread this, I can't believe this is my son's life.

Once again, thank you for the support - I so needed it. I will pray for my son for guidance, protection and clarity of mind. I will pray for all of you who are suffering along with me, those who are recovering and those who are suffering in their addictions.

Gigi

Justfor1

There are several Salvation Army facilities in Chicago. 2 of them you work for food and shelter. Not a lot of drug therapy. The one I recommend & have attended is the one at 1515 W. Monroe Chicago, IL. You have a 28 in-patient program followed by 8 weeks of outpatient & live there for 1 year. The counceling/28 day program is free but the residential living is about $90 a week. You are expected to get your own job there. It's unique because residents get there own room with key. Lots of rules/drug tests but it is a great place & helped me greatly. It is located in the West loop so you have great access to public transportation & job opportunities.

whaty

I am so sorry because I know first hand the struggle you are going through. But you are going to have to let him work this out on his own. I wouldn't even pick him up if he has no desire to quit. I am also the mother of a Heroin AS who is in prison, and he is on his own when he gets out, even with his promises that he is finally done. He knows what he has to do to get back into our family.

whaty

allforcnm

GiGi.
The one thing that sticks out when I read your post is that he says he will try counseling. To me that means that he may have some hope for himself deep inside. And if he is in jail, then currently he is not in physical active addiction. Possibly his mindset is still in addiction however?

Let me ask this, he is rejecting NA as a recovery plan, but is he also rejecting recovery from heroin use ?

What if there was another method of recovery that he didn’t reject?

Before I continue, I want to clarify a couple of things. My husband is in rehab but it is not a 12 step program, also I do not follow the 12 steps for family, but I do work with the family therapist from the rehab center. I say this, because some of my views may be a little different than others here, but so far they are working for us at this point. He has detoxed and will have 30 days clean later this week, but the best thing is I see the sparkle coming back in his eyes and he has hope for himself again.

My husband got hooked on pain pills from the doctor after a bad sports injury. We separated after he told me he did not want to stop. I hadn’t heard from him for over a year, and then he asked for help.

We went with an individualized treatment center that is not based on the 12 steps. It is mainly 1:1 counseling with psychiatrist. My husband and I do believe in God, so the choice to look for another alternative had nothing to do with God. Its his case, its more about rejecting the part of surrendering control, looking at addiction as a disease, using lifelong labels like addict/recovering addict. This program has a different focus ultimately putting him in control. (empowerment through self)

I felt like I should at least mention that there are alternatives to 12 steps, and share our experience. There are programs like Rational Recover, AVRT, SMART. You can google these if you are interested, request more info, etc. and you can also check out the secular forum here on SR that I just discovered, and ask questions of the people who are using these methods.

I was just thinking that if your son still has a few weeks in jail, then you might have time to read about these and even share some of the information with him, see if he expresses any interest. It’s a new approach, and maybe he would find something in it he can relate to as he has stated already that NA is not for him.

I cant really advise you on the room and board issue. In my opinion that is personal choice, and depends on lots of factors. If you were to offer that to him on the contingency of counseling for a trial period, I guess it would soon be obvious if he was truly interested and participating.
Very sorry your family has to go through this.