crazybabie

Ah, is wanting to sell his car to DD and buy him a truck.I drive DD to work currently and then pick her up and drive her home. I see this as my business, since I am her current transportation and due to the fact that I am waiting on her to get a car before I move within a reasonable time frame.

AH wants DD to give him x amount of dollars from each of her paychecks until the car is paid off and once paid he will sell her the car.

My concern there is AH will take the money and not pay it toward the truck he wants and DD will be left up the creek without a paddle. She has other options, she can save the money in her savings account(she says she would get into it which I do believe because she has never been responsible with money)

Her granny would gladly take and put the money up and once the amount was saved give it to DD to pay for the car.

I wanted DD to have all the information before she decides how she wants too go about getting the car.

Here is where I am asking myself am I being codependent or logical

I set a boundary that if she gives the money bit by bit to her dad and he doesn't then let her have the car that I will at that time stop giving her rides to work.

Am I being reasonable ?

crazybabie

yes, that is what he is doing IMO,

I know she has to make that choice, I felt I had a right to make the choice of not driving her anymore if she chooses to give him money here and there rather than one lump sum.

LoveMeNow

I guess I misunderstood.... I thought he would give her the title of the car after it was paid off. I assuming she already had possession of the car. I wasn't too sure I would trust that arrangement either though. Active addicts can not be trusted....even by their own children. Sad Fact, but a true one.

That's no deal for her at all. That's just wrong, IMO.

crazybabie

I struggle with putting my words here where they can be understood,

I am asking if I am being codependent or logical by telling DD if he doe not let have the car after she pays (if shedecides to pay x amount each week) That I will no longer drive her?

LMN, I think the car is paid off really not sure but he has the car and will be driving the car and will give her the title once she pays him for the car.
So he says ...

allforcnm

I dont think that would be codependent behavior Crazybabie.

If I got to vote on the choices though, Id say let Grandma hold the piggy bank

LuvMySis

Crazybabie, is DD an adult who lives with you and AH? If so, I absolutely agree that you have a right to tell her that you will discontinue driving her to and from work if this deal falls through. She needs to know, if she doesn't already, that an active alcoholic can't be trusted to follow through on much of anything. Period. Anything less than the boundary you've drawn would be codependent behavior, imo.

Windmills

I'd say either advise her to put the money into a savings account or let her grandmother take care of it. Is there a reason she's buying this car specifically rather than just saving for one?

BeavsDad

"I set a boundary that if she gives the money bit by bit to her dad and he doesn't then let her have the car that I will at that time stop giving her rides to work. Am I being reasonable?"

That's a tough one because if it goes wrong, she will get double whammied.
She'll be crushed by dad and punished by you for not taking your advice.

That's got to be frustating that you tried explaining that it's clearly not a good idea at all and she still might do it.

Not being self disciplined to save her own money is a bummer as well.

I would set a boundary that states "As of 1 Oct, I will no longer be a taxi."

Then it's not your problem or concern how she goes about dealing with that.

crazybabie

LuvMySis, DD is 21 she will be 22 in July, no she does not live with me(DD has an apartment with her bf and roommates) I had her father move out on April 28th he doesn't live with me.

I plan my days around her schedule I go to her place pick her up and drive her too work , then go and pick her up at work and drive her home.

Windmills,I asked her that question and she said she likes that car and the price.
She said her understanding form talking with her dad is that each week when she pays on the car her dad is suppose to take that money and pay his boss on a truck he is wanting.

Windmills, I did talk with her about letting her grandparents hold the money and she says but dad will say ...

BeavsDad, I understand what your saying and no exact date was set when she started the job but we did discuss that I cannot be her taxi for long. I honestly can't pick a date I am ready to move like yesterday.

BeavsDad

"I set a boundary that if she gives the money bit by bit to her dad and he doesn't then let her have the car that I will at that time stop giving her rides to work."

Now I'm confused. How long would the "bit by bit" dad lesson last?

crazybabie

I do not know she will not commit to a certain amount from each paycheck. if she would pay him 100 bucks a week then 10 weeks but she tells me she needs other things as well and she does not know how much she will pay each week so could be 6 months for all I know. I really need to have her commit an amount at least to me so I can give her I will quit being your taxi as of date.

if she does like she has in the past she will get her nails done and buy a new phone etc... and pay small amounts I have to set a boundary with her on this one.

BrindleGirl

I'm new here and not sure it's appropriate to respond since I myself struggle with codependency, but...she'21 and out on her own. She must know about her dad being an addict. She is willing to enter into a deal with him. She must face those consequences-good or bad. Your decision to provide her transportation is your decision and should be based on what you need and want to do. It sounds like there is a possibility that you are trying to control something or impact the outcome...and that would be codependent. Maybe. You were the first person to give me feedback today so I wanted to return the favor for what it's worth. I'm sorry you are dealing with this crap too.

crazybabie

I don't feel as I am trying to control anything unless a boundary is considered control? I am still a bit confused about boundaries to me boundaries mean saying what I will and will not accept for my sanity. Yes, she knows her dad is an addict yes it is her choice if she wants to buy the car on those terms, I am OK with that.

BrindleGirl

So CrazyBaby,I think boundaries are confusing too! Can you say again what your boundary is? Is it to put a time limit on the transportation you are providing? I would agree that a boundary isn't the same as trying to control something so maybe I was confused.

scrambled2012

This is bogus. totally bogus. I smell a rat. she pays money for something she isn't using and doesn't even have the title; nothing to stop him from spending the money and her being SOL. He isn't going to buy a truck with those payments, so why does he want them?

This is bogus. Either she should buy the thing up front or not at all. The only justification for a bit-by-bit payment would be if she was driving it. He would be trusting her to pay him, he would be taking the risk, not the converse.

It should be easy to talk her out of this; she's not getting the thing up front anyway. Have her save up for her own purchase and sweeten the deal if you need to--chip in for the sound system. She can by this particular car at that time if she chooses, so no loss no foul. If the cars owner is insisting otherwise, all the more reason that this deal is bogus.

I think your responce of punishment if she gets suckered is less then ideal; I would do the above instead....

my two cents~~~~

Heartbroken0608

I am waiting on her to get a car before I move within a reasonable time frame.

I plan my days around her schedule I go to her place pick her up and drive her too work , then go and pick her up at work and drive her home.

we did discuss that I cannot be her taxi for long. I honestly can't pick a date I am ready to move like yesterday.

I really need to have her commit an amount at least to me so I can give her I will quit being your taxi as of date.

if she does like she has in the past she will get her nails done and buy a new phone etc... and pay small amounts I have to set a boundary with her on this one.


Sounds like the boundary you need to set has nothing to do with whether she buys the car from dad or how she pays him for it (even though I completely agree that this sounds like a plan that is doomed to failure) but rather you need to determine how long YOU feel comfortable being her chauffeur. The answer to that question should be based on your needs, not on how much she decides to give dad each week, or if she decides to get her nails done, etc. if she knows she doesn't have to worry about getting a car quickly because you're going to be there to drive her everyday what motivation does she have to put every penny possible towards getting a vehicle? However, if you tell her you will only be available to give her a ride for X more weeks, after that she's on her own...she will have to either work out a plan to get a car within that time period or find alternate arrangements. She's an adult, how she goes about getting transportation is for her to worry about. How long you continue to be her taxi driver is for you to worry about.

Driving her because you want to and are happy doing it is one thing, and is perfectly fine if that's what you decide you want to do. Driving her because you feel obligated or guilty is codependent.

crazybabie

Scrambled, I have no control over her choice and I have no means to provide a sound system for her, She is a daddy's girl and she trust him nothing I can do about that she is not new to the drug world her fiancee died from an overdose almost 4 years ago,

Brindlegirl, My boundary is a time limit for her to get her own transportation, she has options she is refusing to use.

Cynical, I agree granny should not be an option but granny is the one that made herself and option. Out of my control not that it makes any difference but granny s my dad's wife and only 49.

HeartBroken, I agreed too drive her to work without first setting a reasonable time frame my fault, at the time it was not a big deal but now I plan on moving at the end of my lease the drive too pick her up and drop her off at work and me come back home is only 4.2 miles .
I will discuss the issue with her again and let her know what I consider a reasonable time frame she can always call a cab if she knows far enough ahead of time that she will be needing one.

LuvMySis

Crazybabie, I still think it's a boundary you've set, and you're doing a great job. I do understand why Brindle thinks it may be codependent, however. What's important is that you are asking these questions, reading posts and responding to others, and working on your own recovery. I've read several of your posts the past couple of days, and I've learned a lot from you.

outtolunch

.
Back when I was 21 a family friend wanted to give me his car. I did the math and realized I could not afford the insurance, gas and maintenance. I lived in a large city and would also need to pay for monthly parking. I took a pass and rode the bus.

She's 21 and on her own. No reason for you to do for her what she can do for herself. Whether she buys and/or arranges to pay for dad's car or not, is none of your business.

Consider giving her a few week's notice and stop hauling her around.

Kindeyes

She isn't refusing to use options. She already is getting the option that is easy and reliable. She doesn't need to even look at other options at this point.

The issue with buying the car from her Dad may sound bogus to all of us, HOWEVER, it is an issue between her and her father. If he burns her on the deal.....she'll learn a valuable lesson. It's her lesson to learn.

Boundaries are ALL about control......just not control over another person. Boundaries are about controlling ourselves and our environment and what is or is not acceptable to expose ourselves to. When something or someone crosses those boundaries, we have a responsibility to do something (ourselves) to protect or reinforce those boundareis. Just my two cents on boundaries.

If driving your daughter to and from work daily is driving you nuts, then there is your boundary target. You can set a time limit for her to find another option, WHATEVER time limit that may be and stick to it. If you tie the boundary to the car deal with Dad in any way, it will feel like punishment to her whether you intend it to be so or not.

As long as you continue to provide a ride with no deadline, she has no reason to want to find alternative transportation or pay for Dad's car in a timely fashion. She is going to find the path of least resistance, and right now......that's you.

gentle hugs
ke