sibling
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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sibling
It started with our missing DVDs. We noticed a large chunk of our DVD collection had gone missing. They were nowhere to be found in the house (and our house is not large, so there was no way they just went missing).
Then both my Mom and Sister's digital cameras were stolen. My brother was asked upfront if he had stolen them. He denied it. He may have been the one to suggest a burglary took place. No one believed it as the house showed ZERO signs of that and other expensive items were left alone.
Shortly after my brother was arrested for heroin possession.
He went to a methadone clinic for many months. There were periods of theft in this time. While I was back at school, I know something happened and he stopped going. He was also kicked out for stealing from us. He came back a few weeks later and almost immediately, all the cash was stolen out of my wallet and my sister and I had our cameras stolen. Thankfully, they were still in our room. Later, more cash was stolen from my sister and he was told he either needed to go to rehab or leave. He was supposed to go last week but wheezled out of it. He was supposed to go today but got into a fight with my Mom who told him if he wasn't going, he needed to get out. So he left.
He goes through two major mood swings. When he's "sick" and desperate for drugs/money, he acts submissive, promises he'll go to rehab, etc. etc. When his back is up against the wall and the day he planned to go comes around, he becomes extremely aggressive, picks fights, and looks for excuses not to go. When my Mom got angry with him today, for example, for dragging his feet and coming up with excuses he said "Well, I'm definitely not going now!" Basically, he puts the blame on someone else when he likely never planned to go in the first place. And my Mom called him on that.
I have no doubt he'll be back. When I say he has zero life skills, I mean he has zero life skills. No high school diploma / GED, no driver's license, nothing. He can't take care of himself at all and this has been going on since before he became an addict. He functions like a 15year old or younger. Meaning, he can't delay gratification for anything (his paycheck was also gone in an instant and he NEVER saved), he's always been extremely selfish (has no problem manipulating or using people for his own good) and self-centered.
I used to be extremely angry with my parents about how they enabled him. Part of me still is. I guess I feel slightly more compassionate for them, knowing how hard this has been on them. I want things to change for their sake. After I leave home, I will no longer have a relationship with my brother. I barely have one now. We have exchanged very few words since I've been home. I remember after I came home and learned he pawned my Mom's smartphone. He was blaring his stereo late into the night. And I thought, "He stole all our things before he even sold that precious stereo." After all my money was stolen I was standing in the kitchen contemplating how to tell my parents (I feel extreme guilt about this type of thing, even though I know it's not my fault. I feel bad for causing them pain). My brother strolled in and started reading the paper. He had stolen all my money and didn't even try and avoid me. I was in complete disbelief.
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest as it's been building up for some time. It's been wearing on all of us.
Then both my Mom and Sister's digital cameras were stolen. My brother was asked upfront if he had stolen them. He denied it. He may have been the one to suggest a burglary took place. No one believed it as the house showed ZERO signs of that and other expensive items were left alone.
Shortly after my brother was arrested for heroin possession.
He went to a methadone clinic for many months. There were periods of theft in this time. While I was back at school, I know something happened and he stopped going. He was also kicked out for stealing from us. He came back a few weeks later and almost immediately, all the cash was stolen out of my wallet and my sister and I had our cameras stolen. Thankfully, they were still in our room. Later, more cash was stolen from my sister and he was told he either needed to go to rehab or leave. He was supposed to go last week but wheezled out of it. He was supposed to go today but got into a fight with my Mom who told him if he wasn't going, he needed to get out. So he left.
He goes through two major mood swings. When he's "sick" and desperate for drugs/money, he acts submissive, promises he'll go to rehab, etc. etc. When his back is up against the wall and the day he planned to go comes around, he becomes extremely aggressive, picks fights, and looks for excuses not to go. When my Mom got angry with him today, for example, for dragging his feet and coming up with excuses he said "Well, I'm definitely not going now!" Basically, he puts the blame on someone else when he likely never planned to go in the first place. And my Mom called him on that.
I have no doubt he'll be back. When I say he has zero life skills, I mean he has zero life skills. No high school diploma / GED, no driver's license, nothing. He can't take care of himself at all and this has been going on since before he became an addict. He functions like a 15year old or younger. Meaning, he can't delay gratification for anything (his paycheck was also gone in an instant and he NEVER saved), he's always been extremely selfish (has no problem manipulating or using people for his own good) and self-centered.
I used to be extremely angry with my parents about how they enabled him. Part of me still is. I guess I feel slightly more compassionate for them, knowing how hard this has been on them. I want things to change for their sake. After I leave home, I will no longer have a relationship with my brother. I barely have one now. We have exchanged very few words since I've been home. I remember after I came home and learned he pawned my Mom's smartphone. He was blaring his stereo late into the night. And I thought, "He stole all our things before he even sold that precious stereo." After all my money was stolen I was standing in the kitchen contemplating how to tell my parents (I feel extreme guilt about this type of thing, even though I know it's not my fault. I feel bad for causing them pain). My brother strolled in and started reading the paper. He had stolen all my money and didn't even try and avoid me. I was in complete disbelief.
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest as it's been building up for some time. It's been wearing on all of us.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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Has you mom considered getting some type safe? My one of my AS has border line MR, so I understand what you mean about his functioning level, have you suggested to you mom that meetings may help her? He will likely continue this behavior because he can always come back?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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My parents are enablers of his and have been for a long time, even prior to his heroin addiction. I've brought this up to them but for a long time they've been deluded about the seriousness of his situation (meaning, how **** poor he was equipped to handle any responsibility). My parents believe he will die if they kick him out forever. I feel like he'll die whether he's in our house or not.
My sister moved out this week. I have another year of college left and I'll be gone after that. At times, I'm very angry and frustrated with my parents but I can't force them to see it my way.
My sister moved out this week. I have another year of college left and I'll be gone after that. At times, I'm very angry and frustrated with my parents but I can't force them to see it my way.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
fields,
Welcome to SR.
You might benefit from NarAnon or AlAnoon meetings yourself while you continue to live in the house.
My son is the addict in my life, he's been clean for 2.5 years but doesn't have "life" skills very well either, so I know what you are talking about. My son is 31, I also have a daughter who is 28. She has NO relationship with her brother. He did not steal from her, but she did not and continues to not condone his lifestyle so she chooses not to have a relationship with him. Totally her choice.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. You do not need to feel any guilt on your part, the more your parents are forced to open their eyes and see what's happening, the better it will be for them in the long run. Take care of yourself and your belongings - if that means a safe in your room, sleeping with your purse in your bed, putting some of your more prized posessions at a relative or friends house for storage until you move - do it. Protect yourself however you need to.
Welcome to SR.
You might benefit from NarAnon or AlAnoon meetings yourself while you continue to live in the house.
My son is the addict in my life, he's been clean for 2.5 years but doesn't have "life" skills very well either, so I know what you are talking about. My son is 31, I also have a daughter who is 28. She has NO relationship with her brother. He did not steal from her, but she did not and continues to not condone his lifestyle so she chooses not to have a relationship with him. Totally her choice.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. You do not need to feel any guilt on your part, the more your parents are forced to open their eyes and see what's happening, the better it will be for them in the long run. Take care of yourself and your belongings - if that means a safe in your room, sleeping with your purse in your bed, putting some of your more prized posessions at a relative or friends house for storage until you move - do it. Protect yourself however you need to.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hi Fields - Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You have no reason at all to feel guilty. Actually you sound very mature and healthy.
My 16 yr old son has been stealing from us since he was 9/10 yrs old. He has many addict like behaviors (any many psychological issues) after being raised by his addict birth mom for the first 8 yrs of life. He is not addicted to anything yet, but uses if he can. He is currently in a residential behavioral/substance abuse program for his 2nd time.
My son and daughter have always been very close. She practically raised him before I adopted them. She has always been a loving, supportive sister but when he received his first home pass a few weeks ago, she said NO WAY, I do NOT want him coming here. I had no choice at the time and told her she could stay at a friends if she wanted. She was so angry with me and the situation that she packed her things and moved out while I was picking him up. I was heartbroken but I really understood how she felt.
She fails to realize I had no choice but to pick him up. He then stole from me, got one of my prescriptions and has since been kicked out of the program. Fortunately, the program is keeping him there until we find another placement. However, if nothing comes available soon - I will have no choice but to allow him to come home because he is under the age of 18. It's either let him home to make me crazy or face abandonment and neglect charges. At this point, I am leaning toward the charges.
This is no way to live for anyone. Our homes should be our refuge, not our battle fields.
My prayers go out to you! Stay strong!!
I am so sorry you are going through this. You have no reason at all to feel guilty. Actually you sound very mature and healthy.
My 16 yr old son has been stealing from us since he was 9/10 yrs old. He has many addict like behaviors (any many psychological issues) after being raised by his addict birth mom for the first 8 yrs of life. He is not addicted to anything yet, but uses if he can. He is currently in a residential behavioral/substance abuse program for his 2nd time.
My son and daughter have always been very close. She practically raised him before I adopted them. She has always been a loving, supportive sister but when he received his first home pass a few weeks ago, she said NO WAY, I do NOT want him coming here. I had no choice at the time and told her she could stay at a friends if she wanted. She was so angry with me and the situation that she packed her things and moved out while I was picking him up. I was heartbroken but I really understood how she felt.
She fails to realize I had no choice but to pick him up. He then stole from me, got one of my prescriptions and has since been kicked out of the program. Fortunately, the program is keeping him there until we find another placement. However, if nothing comes available soon - I will have no choice but to allow him to come home because he is under the age of 18. It's either let him home to make me crazy or face abandonment and neglect charges. At this point, I am leaning toward the charges.
This is no way to live for anyone. Our homes should be our refuge, not our battle fields.
My prayers go out to you! Stay strong!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 69
My daughters could have written your post. Their 21 year old brother is also a heroin addict and has been for almost three years. It was the same way here: first I noticed a little cash would be missing from my wallet. Then the girls cameras and Ipods disappeared. Someone gave me a brand new Wii they won and I put it up in the closet. When I went to take it out a few weeks later only the box was there. Then my camera, then a check was written for $100 on my account, then my wedding rings (divorced) and other jewelry.....my daughter made $200 for babysitting and it disappeared from her drawer...then her guitar. I bought a large safe. And I kept trying to help him. Detox, rehab, halfway houses, nothing helped. I made him leave last Oct. and he conned his way into my Mom's house and stole from her after I told her DON'T LET HIM IN. He is now in jail facing three charges, including his first felony. It is a good place for him to be. We are happy and relaxed here, and he is on his own when he gets out. He has a LONG way to go before I ever let him back into my life. His sisters never even mention him.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 69
Lovemenot.....I feel for you big time. I remember waiting for my son to turn 18 so I wasn't responsible for him any longer. At the time he was "only" smoking pot and drinking beer but had already started getting in trouble with the law.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Originally Posted by whaty 
Lovemenot.....I feel for you big time. I remember waiting for my son to turn 18 so I wasn't responsible for him any longer. At the time he was "only" smoking pot and drinking beer but had already started getting in trouble with the law.
I read so many other mothers painful decision to let go of their adult children and I start to feel bad about myself. Then I say, OH NO...I won't!
I have tried EVERYTHING I know of, including writing to 2 different governors, 3 different counselors (over 6 yrs), inpatient treatment programs, surf camps, Christian overnight camps (that he loved), Christian youth groups, positive Christian youth leaders for role models, soccer, baseball, golf, football....And NOTHING has helped. Like an addict, he has to want to change...and he chooses not to.
When I read about gas lighting, I literally got the chills down my neck.
Last weekend, many cars in my neighborhood got broken into. Fortunately, he is not here so there can't be any doubt about him doing it. If he was here, I would seriously have wondered if it was him.
He is such a charming, handsome, well mannered, smart kid, but looks can be deceiving. He will bat his long eyelashes and a smile that will make my heart melt, tell me how God has changed him, only for me to find out he stole my Dad's wedding band the day before. Sadly, the only remorse he ever shows is for himself...for getting caught.
If he will becomes an addict (and the odds are high), God help us all.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
My sister stole my mother's engagement ring, and dad's and little brother's high school rings... 
Fieldsforever, my family history and yours are very similar! I'm 30 now and I needed to break away from my whole family for a time. My parents also enabled my sister, except they couldn't deal with her living with them. They were also scared of people learning about our sister's problems. So they rented her an apartment two hours away, bought her a car and insurance, gave her a credit card. My brother and I got nothing because we weren't sick. At the time I was a full time student and worked 30 hours a week. Maddening.
Then my sister disappeared for 4 months! My mother would call me every other day and unload all of her worries on me. Until I stopped answering the phone. I knew I couldn't help her. But then she started to unload on my poor brother who was only 12 at the time! To this day he has debilitating problems with anger. He's 25 and just a very angry young man. I know I can't help him either. Everyone stuck on this ride has to figure out how to get off themselves.
You have every right to be angry at your situation! But do yourself a favor and use available resources to figure out how to let it go! There's nothing you can do but take a giant step away and focus on you. Certainly your university must have people to talk to, mine did. During the time my sister was missing I would start to panic on the spot if I started to think too much about where she could be and what she could be using and how she could be paying for it.... I needed help to deal with that and with the anger, and found it at university.
Nowadays I'm back in contact with my parents and brother, but I don't allow myself to get emotional. The madness still continues, I hear what they say but don't get involved intimately anymore. And I requested that they don't talk about my sister. This means that we only talk for a few minutes a week because her illness pretty much consumes them, but it's better than nothing. It makes me sad sometimes because my sister's illness has all but destroyed whatever bond I had with my family. But it doesn't eat away at my soul anymore like it once did.
Fieldsforever, my family history and yours are very similar! I'm 30 now and I needed to break away from my whole family for a time. My parents also enabled my sister, except they couldn't deal with her living with them. They were also scared of people learning about our sister's problems. So they rented her an apartment two hours away, bought her a car and insurance, gave her a credit card. My brother and I got nothing because we weren't sick. At the time I was a full time student and worked 30 hours a week. Maddening.
Then my sister disappeared for 4 months! My mother would call me every other day and unload all of her worries on me. Until I stopped answering the phone. I knew I couldn't help her. But then she started to unload on my poor brother who was only 12 at the time! To this day he has debilitating problems with anger. He's 25 and just a very angry young man. I know I can't help him either. Everyone stuck on this ride has to figure out how to get off themselves.
You have every right to be angry at your situation! But do yourself a favor and use available resources to figure out how to let it go! There's nothing you can do but take a giant step away and focus on you. Certainly your university must have people to talk to, mine did. During the time my sister was missing I would start to panic on the spot if I started to think too much about where she could be and what she could be using and how she could be paying for it.... I needed help to deal with that and with the anger, and found it at university.
Nowadays I'm back in contact with my parents and brother, but I don't allow myself to get emotional. The madness still continues, I hear what they say but don't get involved intimately anymore. And I requested that they don't talk about my sister. This means that we only talk for a few minutes a week because her illness pretty much consumes them, but it's better than nothing. It makes me sad sometimes because my sister's illness has all but destroyed whatever bond I had with my family. But it doesn't eat away at my soul anymore like it once did.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Originally Posted by farfaraway
Everyone stuck on this ride has to figure out how to get off themselves.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
Well, my brother never went to rehab and never really got kicked out. That is very typical of my parents. To says "he will go to rehab or he's gone." And completely fall back on it. I guess they assumed because for this past month, he SEEMED to be doing better. Nothing getting stolen, etc. etc.
until tonight, that is. I noticed this entire evening something was "up." You can sort of tell he's taken something because of the way he's acting. Like he's just waiting for the second that the **** hits the fan. So I ran upstairs and looked through my purse. $60 is gone. I have rarely left my purse out of my sight since the last theft. I feel incredibly violated because it means he has been literally digging through my things.
I'm at the end of my ******* rope. I have no job (been looking actively) and nothing left. I carry cash because it's all I have, otherwise I never would anymore.
I didn't know what to do. So I just confronted him. Not very gracefully. He denied it (surprise. He also couldn't look me in the eye) and I honestly feel insane. Every time it happens I think "I must have done something with it! Did I move it without thinking? WHERE DID I MOVE IT?"
My dad is gone on a business trip and I feel bad about unloading this problem for my Mom to deal with alone but I don't know what to do.
until tonight, that is. I noticed this entire evening something was "up." You can sort of tell he's taken something because of the way he's acting. Like he's just waiting for the second that the **** hits the fan. So I ran upstairs and looked through my purse. $60 is gone. I have rarely left my purse out of my sight since the last theft. I feel incredibly violated because it means he has been literally digging through my things.
I'm at the end of my ******* rope. I have no job (been looking actively) and nothing left. I carry cash because it's all I have, otherwise I never would anymore.
I didn't know what to do. So I just confronted him. Not very gracefully. He denied it (surprise. He also couldn't look me in the eye) and I honestly feel insane. Every time it happens I think "I must have done something with it! Did I move it without thinking? WHERE DID I MOVE IT?"
My dad is gone on a business trip and I feel bad about unloading this problem for my Mom to deal with alone but I don't know what to do.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
there is a saying that "denial of perception creates insanity"
when you say you "can tell" when he has taken something...I think you can tell on many levels, intuitively, rationally, emotionally, etc. but then he denies it...he denies reality
it is crazy making (like gaslighting)
and for that it is easy to see that he is stealing way more than money
when you say you "can tell" when he has taken something...I think you can tell on many levels, intuitively, rationally, emotionally, etc. but then he denies it...he denies reality
it is crazy making (like gaslighting)
and for that it is easy to see that he is stealing way more than money
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
My ex is also a heroin addict. He is only a couple years older than your brother. He also pawned other people's DVDs... a ton of it. All the expensive complete season sets were gone. Stole from his parents, me, and anyone near him to buy heroin. He "accidentally" locked me out of the house several times so he can go through my purse for cash.
It's tricky because you live at your parents house and they refuse to do anything. However, you do have the right to call the police. Your stuff is being stolen and that is not acceptable. If you are in that kind of environment for long, it's very detrimental to your well-being. No one should live like this.
Remove yourself if possible. If not, remove him. Call the police.
I sent my ex back to jail/prison 3 times. Each time he relapsed and started using and stealing... I called his probation officer. Actually, I didnt send him anywhere he wasnt supposed to go... he did it to himself. I just did the right thing.
It's tricky because you live at your parents house and they refuse to do anything. However, you do have the right to call the police. Your stuff is being stolen and that is not acceptable. If you are in that kind of environment for long, it's very detrimental to your well-being. No one should live like this.
Remove yourself if possible. If not, remove him. Call the police.
I sent my ex back to jail/prison 3 times. Each time he relapsed and started using and stealing... I called his probation officer. Actually, I didnt send him anywhere he wasnt supposed to go... he did it to himself. I just did the right thing.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
One thing I noticed growing up is that my parents wouldn't accept the severity of my sister's problem until waaaaaay my brother and I did. And it's not because we were closer to her. I think my parents saw my sister's problem as their failure. I guess as a sibling that isn't a factor.
If you can't get out of the house yet, that needs to be your new goal in life. Just put your head down, don't get involved and focus on getting out. And make your room more secure. When I was 16 I bought myself a lock for my door and a shield so that you can't stick a credit card in to open it. And then in my room I hid my money and valuables in multiple places. She still broke the door down a few times and got some, but never all.
If you can't get out of the house yet, that needs to be your new goal in life. Just put your head down, don't get involved and focus on getting out. And make your room more secure. When I was 16 I bought myself a lock for my door and a shield so that you can't stick a credit card in to open it. And then in my room I hid my money and valuables in multiple places. She still broke the door down a few times and got some, but never all.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
fields, you are in a very tough situation. Your brother is an addict, and your parents are in denial. They are trying to suck you in to their way of dealing with him - that makes it easier for them to deny their codependency.
You need to set your own boundaries. Right now, you are willing to accept your parents' financial support - but what you are taking on in return is living in a crazy-making world. You are not physically safe, and the stress is probably taking a toll as well.
Are there friends or relatives you could move in with until your brother is gone from your parents' house, or until you can afford your own apartment? While you need to leave for your own "self." your moving out may help to open your parents eyes.
**{Hugs}}
You need to set your own boundaries. Right now, you are willing to accept your parents' financial support - but what you are taking on in return is living in a crazy-making world. You are not physically safe, and the stress is probably taking a toll as well.
Are there friends or relatives you could move in with until your brother is gone from your parents' house, or until you can afford your own apartment? While you need to leave for your own "self." your moving out may help to open your parents eyes.
**{Hugs}}
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.
My son is an addict. His sister (my dear daughter) is five years younger than he is and she put up with a lot from him and from me for a long time while I was desperately trying to "help" him.
My daughter and I were always very close but it was a healthy closeness......not they codependent type of closeness I had with my son. My daughter put up with the crazy, disfunctional relationship that was going on with my son for a long time......until eventually, she began to pull away from me. I could feel the disconnect and emotional distance she was putting between us. She was doing it for her own survival.
I look back on that time (probably about five years ago) and I THANK HER for taking care of herself FIRST AND FOREMOST and for distancing herself from me for her own protection from the insanity that exists between a codependent (me) and addict (son). She was still very civil and kind and sweet toward me but she simply wasn't going to put up with any crap from ME or my son. I am so very glad she did that.
My daughter demonstrated the concept of detaching with love. She SHOWED me how to do it. She did it without going to any programs but she must have gotten this talent from her father (my dear husband). Both of them are such amazing people who seem to be able to deal with my son in a much healthier manner than I was able to for a very long time.
I share this with you because sometimes it takes our loved ones to show us (diehard codependents) what detaching with love means. I was eventually faced with a choice....my addicted son.......or all of the other people who love me in my life. I'm sure that wasn't an easy decision for them to make but it is what finally woke me up.
I am happy to say that my daughter and I are once again close. I love her so much and always have.....but I almost traded her love for her brother. And that is wrong on so many levels that I can't even begin to address them. Today, I have a beautiful relationship with her......and no relationship with her brother who is still active in his disease. I love him too.....but from a distance.
Protect yourself and your own emotional, psychological, and spiritual wellbeing first and foremost. You will feel better for it and you may be the catalyst for dynamic change.
You can't change your parents. You can't change your brother. But you can change you.
gentle hugs
ke
My son is an addict. His sister (my dear daughter) is five years younger than he is and she put up with a lot from him and from me for a long time while I was desperately trying to "help" him.
My daughter and I were always very close but it was a healthy closeness......not they codependent type of closeness I had with my son. My daughter put up with the crazy, disfunctional relationship that was going on with my son for a long time......until eventually, she began to pull away from me. I could feel the disconnect and emotional distance she was putting between us. She was doing it for her own survival.
I look back on that time (probably about five years ago) and I THANK HER for taking care of herself FIRST AND FOREMOST and for distancing herself from me for her own protection from the insanity that exists between a codependent (me) and addict (son). She was still very civil and kind and sweet toward me but she simply wasn't going to put up with any crap from ME or my son. I am so very glad she did that.
My daughter demonstrated the concept of detaching with love. She SHOWED me how to do it. She did it without going to any programs but she must have gotten this talent from her father (my dear husband). Both of them are such amazing people who seem to be able to deal with my son in a much healthier manner than I was able to for a very long time.
I share this with you because sometimes it takes our loved ones to show us (diehard codependents) what detaching with love means. I was eventually faced with a choice....my addicted son.......or all of the other people who love me in my life. I'm sure that wasn't an easy decision for them to make but it is what finally woke me up.
I am happy to say that my daughter and I are once again close. I love her so much and always have.....but I almost traded her love for her brother. And that is wrong on so many levels that I can't even begin to address them. Today, I have a beautiful relationship with her......and no relationship with her brother who is still active in his disease. I love him too.....but from a distance.
Protect yourself and your own emotional, psychological, and spiritual wellbeing first and foremost. You will feel better for it and you may be the catalyst for dynamic change.
You can't change your parents. You can't change your brother. But you can change you.
gentle hugs
ke
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