khoye

I will start by saying that my name is katie and my boyfriends name is gage and he is a heroin addict and I have been dealing with this for almost 2 years now. I'm really in love with him.he just recently started to use again after since almost january of being clean and I how it happened was I was at his house the night before we're leaving for a festival. I walked in on him in the bathroom shooting up and I went in there to go to the bathroom while he went out. I went in there and found all of this heroin and flushed it down the toilet . he was clean for four days while we were gone and then he came back on memorial day and went down to the city to get more. I came out to his apartment today because he wasn't answering any of my calls and I thought he might have overdosed so I got worried. he admitted everything to me and let me go through his stuff and I told him that I wouldn't throw it away if he showed it to me. I found it ans he left it by my again and i threw it away again and it waa two bags and he cried about it. Howshould I be going about this? I'm a atrong person and I don't want to walk away yet. I love him very much. advice?

Vale

Welcome khoye,

Please listen to anvilhead.One of the wisest on a resource (SR) that
is FULL of wise voices.I still pull up anvil's posts to me when I feel the
curiousity/need to 'find out' how the addict I care about is doing.
However,I remember at the time thinking.....anvil doesn't know my
situation,or all the good qualities that the person I cared about has.

I learned....none of that matters.Addiction short circuits the person
we knew..and replaces them with an autonomous goal-seeking program
oriented to one end alone>>>>getting high.

ONLY when THE ADDICT decides to get help will anything change.

(thanks again,anvilhead,for your wise counsel when I needed it most)

cc88

Everyone else gives up on him, but you refuse to?

You'll go down with the ship, you won't leave his side?

I've been there. I've felt like my calling was to be a martyr for love, and eventually they would snap out of it because they'd realize i loved them enough to never leave. I could have written your words, and i wish someone told me this sooner, but its a pipe dream. Its like a nigerian email scam artist saying "500 more dollars and we'll wire you the kings inheritance". Every "i'll get better, i promise" is another line to keep you on the hook. "just 100 more dollars to set up your account and we'll deposit your money". Spoiler alert, there is no money and there rarely is a happy ending, and I realized one day that i was giving so much of myself that I neglected me. I didnt even know who i was anymore.

Walking away does not make you a weak any more than walking away from a drunk person trying to pick a fight with you makes you a coward. I've been in that "I'll be the ONLY one not to turn my back" spot and now looking back i see it as if i was turning the key to a car that had no gas thinking that if i turned it long enough, the engine would start. Heroin is nasty nasty stuff.

Best of luck, this site is the best thing you could hope to find. the people here are wise and kind. hug.

wicked

Khoye,

I am sorry your boyfriend is a heroin addict, my 30 year old son is out there somewhere with his methadone using girlfriend. I have to learn to detach and love him from afar, because he can and has stolen from me, put my life in danger (owing money) and other assorted tawdry and messed up things.

Two years is a long way to live like this, please get some support for yourself.
AlAnon would be a great help if you cannot find a NarAnon meeting in your area.
You must learn to protect yourself from things he is doing to himself.
His addiction will only get worse, and you will go down with the ship if you are not prepared.

Take care of you first.
:ghug3
Beth

khoye

Thank you for all of your input, I really do appreciate it.

The thing that is hardest for me is that he wants to be clean. Before this happened, he had been clean since January. Today he threw out all ofhis needles in front of me and cried because he doesn't want to be this way. He begged for help and told me he needs to straighten his life out. He doesnt know how to cope with life at times. He just started school at UTI which is an automotive training school. He also moved a half hour away from home and is living with roommates that he doesn't know and he is kind of a shy introverted person when he is not high.

After throwing the heroin out, he was glad that I did it and gave me all of his money and his debit card so he can't get any money to get any more. His exact words while crying were "I need to get my life straight." He has also been on the suboxone program but his mom and I are close and I filled her in on everything that is going on so she refused to fund that for him since he has been using. Now I know the sane thing for me to do for myself is to walk away and I have before. Honestly, I know love doesnt help anything but I feel like I'm a rock for him. He's my best friend and he turns to me when he is feeling at a low point in his life.


I'm not going to give up on him because I feel like that might just make things spiral out of control. And trust me, i KNOW i cant control him and I know it's not my responsibility. I know when he is active in his addiction that nothing i say will matter to him and that he can't control it while it is going on. But I'm also aware of his psychological issues and that he really does need help.

I know I made a mistake after throwing it out because he was really mad at first and told me he was going to go buy a jab and do it all at once. He threw a tantrum and was screaming and crying over one bag. But once he calmed down he became level headed again.

suki44883

You will do whatever you will do, just like he will. However, please know that standing between an addict and his high is a VERY dangerous place to be. When he starts withdrawals, he will do just about anything to get his fix. If that means breaking your fingers to get at his money or credit card or car keys, then he'll do it. Please take care of yourself.

Vale

"He just started school at UTI which is an automotive training school. He also moved a half hour away from home and is living with roommates that he doesn't know"

-These are GOOD things,moving away from the 'using' crowd and learning a skill
that makes him a vital, contributing member of society.

khoye

How do I cope with it when he goes on a binge and ignores me for days? All I can do is cry alone and wish things didn't have to be this way. It's such a miserbale feeling being in love with a heroin addict.

Mizz

Umm..Having gone through this specific situation I would like you to know that walking away is the best thing that you can do for yourself and for your BF. When you walk it says, Im not putting up with this. I deserve better. I'm taking care of myself. We are able to help other people when we help ourselves first. I get all the emotional attachment and the wanting to be there because nobody else is there. I totally get it. Heroin doesnt care about any of that. Heroin is a tricky, tricky substance.
My Bf (at that time) cried and pleaded, stated he would quit, went through detox. 3 rehabs... You are going to do what you have to do until you cant do it anymore. I hope that you take care of yourself in this process. He has to want to quit. It has to be for him, and it cant be because he was caught by you. Who knows where the bottom line is? I feel for ya.....I know this situation all to well.

suki44883

Hun, you don't HAVE to cope with it. You choose to. Take a look at my second signature line. You don't have to live this way.

khoye

I know I don't have to cope with it but for the time being I am coping with it. I know it's a never ending cycle and I know that it is just going to keep happening forever and he has to want to do it for himself. And trust me, I know he does. Yes, he did get caught by me but that was a week ago and he still hasn't stopped... So i really don't think he will do it for me because every time he has done it for someone else, look where it has got him. I know he really does want to stay sober and clean though..

I know I have the key to walk away but maybe it's me being co dependent that I can't just yet. I don't know what it will take for him to be sober, and I don't know what it will take for me to walk away from him...

suki44883

Just like the addict won't embrace recovery until they are ready, neither will the codie. When you have had enough, you will know. That could take a long time, but you won't make any moves until you are ready. I hope you will remember what you have read here, I hope you will get some books on co-dependence, and it would benefit you greatly to find some alanon or naranon meetings to attend. I wish every good thing for you. Again, please take care of yourself and keep yourself safe.

Vale

(An oldie but a goodie)

<<<Of all the SR posts.....this is probably the one that "did it" for me........>>>
======================================
ME:I just got addicted to ' rescuing'

ANVILHEAD:since you asked for straight talk...if after 4 years and all the attempts you made to SAVE this person, money spent, etc, she is still exactly where she was, then maybe being a RESCUER isn't your thing??? cuz it didn't go very well did it? didn't fix her. cost you a fortune.

wise people make wise choices. and one of those choices is to shun toxic people. you have a body of work now to base your next decision upon...what will it be?

============================================
as suki44883 says-the codie will not embrace recovery until they are ready

(....and thanks again,anvilhead)

Pock89

khoye, I see so much of myself in you. When my boyfriend was in the middle of a heroin addiction (he's now 3 months clean/sober living in a sober house), I came onto this site, spilled my guts, said I know I can't control it, I know it's bad, I know all about addiction, but I don't want to leave him. And I didn't. I rode it out with him. I willingly went on the roller coaster ride to hell, powered by someone else's addiction. So I won't sit here and try to convince you of all of the reasons why you should leave and get out now. Because just like you, I knew what I was signing up for but I stayed anyways...no amount of logical words of wisdom was going to change my mind.
But please try to get some help for YOU. Alanon and naranon are so great. Hang out on this site. It was truly a source of strength for me and got me through some of the roughest times of my life.

Wishing you nothing but the best.