Trying to make a decision...

Old 05-26-2012, 09:02 AM
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Trying to make a decision...

Hello everyone, sorry I haven't posted in a bit have been so busy with life in general I guess. Days just sort of fly by when you are caring for 3 kids! I feel I am doing fairly well considering my situation. I have me weekly therapy sessions; I have my schedules set at home and at work. Kids are doing great and are getting ready for summer camp. Our family visits with my AH have been calm and nice so far. No fights no drama just hanging out and making the kids happy. I am taking this time to slowly get to know him again and see what I think and feel about him. As of today he is clean and sober for 84 days. He is following his program, and meetings, and has a healthier lifestyle. All in all it looks like he is doing well.
Now here is my question. Last night we had one of our long talks to discuss how he is doing and how I am feeling towards him and what I want. I feel that he is doing well, I am happy that he is following his steps and getting better. I can see it in his face, body, the way he acts and speaks. There is humility, a difference, a change that in all the years we have been together I have never seen. That aside, I still don't completely trust it and I told him so. I expressed my fear of all the what ifs and how it would effect me and the kids. He expressed to me that he understood and can see all the hurt and pain he has caused but would like the opportunity to show me he has changed and is wiling to do anything I ask for. To consider giving him the opportunity to come back home in a probationary trial. That I would set the rules, that I would be in charge of everything and set the pace of how things would go along. That if I see steady improvement in him and I feel that things are going well we can lengthen the time and just see. Also if at anytime he EVER did ANYTHING no matter what or how small that would be grounds for complete termination of everything. I told him I would think about all he had said and consider it. If, and this is a BIG IF, I did do this, let him back in it would be sometime next month. Why? Because my sister is coming to visit and I honestly do not want to share that time with him. I planned things out and I want to enjoy her being with me without the added stress of him being there especially since she sort of hates him right now. This is something that I haven't told anyone. I am thinking of what would be the best course of action. Should I give him this final opportunity to prove he can be an actual person, man, husband, father that can be trusted and counted on? Should I just say to heck with it and finish it now and never truly know? It is allot to think about and decide. Any thoughts, advice, examples would be very welcome.
I am not afraid to be alone. I can pretty much do anything I set my mind to. These are things I have discovered in the past months I have been alone. This is about seeing if a future with him is something I even want anymore. Thank you for any help you can give.
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:17 AM
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When I go swimming I like to take my time getting into the pool. I'll dangle my feet for a while, then step in to my hips, and keep taking very slow steps until I'm fully immersed. It helps me to feel comfortable at each step and get acclimated before going in a little deeper. If I just jumped right into the deep end I wouldn't know until it was too late if the water was too cold for my liking, and once in there's nothing I can do except deal with it or drag myself out of the pool and wait until I can dry off and feel comfortable again.

I see no reason for you to take a blind leap of faith into the pool. You said you're not even sure how you feel about him so take things slow. You two can always start dating if you'd like. Build your relationship back slowly. He can certainly show he can be a good husband, father, person without moving back in. Let him EARN the right to be a full-time part of your and your kids life. Time will reveal much and I think when the time is right for him to move back in you will just know it (or not). The kids deserve for you to err on the side of caution.

JMHO
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:37 AM
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I can only share a story that I admire and find strength in.

A girl I met recently is in a similar situation. Her husband was gone from her life for 4 years and has returned back to our area, clean and sober for a year and working a program. He has been working on his relationship with his daughters and showing he can be trusted. They are also attending marriage counseling.

She has been dating him (no sex), and they spend family time together. When he asked for a key to the house for emergencies or to help out when no one was home, she struggled with it but in the end said no.

When his addiction became obvious and he spiraled out of control, she says she had a nervous breakdown and had to take 2 months off her job and she had to have her mom come and help with the kids. She worked on herself for 4 yrs (and continues to do so) and became healthier and stronger. When he reentered her life, old triggers came back. She said it was like "almost" starting over on her recovery path.

She is very happy dating him. She enjoys the relationship they have as a family and is being very cautious. She explained to me what I did not know - there a triggers times in an addict's recovery. (I think that is what it is called). I would like to ask a recovery addict more about that but I don't want to seem like I am focusing on his addiction but I think its important information to know when making decisions).

She has a strong faith in God and believes God will let know her know when and if the time is right. Any doubt, is a big NO.

Take what you want from this... it's just her story. There are just no guarantees with an addict or anyone for that matter. I am learning that's why it is so important to take care of ourselves. No expectations of others!
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:57 AM
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I have a visceral reaction when my husband gets in the medicine cabinet and clanks around Advil in the plastic container.

Triggers.....oh yes.....

visceral reaction - the release of adrenaline, which activates your fight, or flight response to danger.
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Old 05-26-2012, 02:05 PM
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Yes, I agree there is a lot of room between here and him moving into the house.
He can stay where he is while you continue to get to know each other in another way other than have the addiction in between you.
90 days (and I say this as a recovering alcoholic) is not enough time for his head to clear.
Give it some time. You will not regret it.

Beth
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Old 05-26-2012, 02:53 PM
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Yez,

I think it is so important that two people in a relationship view and treat each other as equals.

In addition to the risks to you and the children, being so intimately in the sphere of a drug addict in early recovery, there is also the larger issue of equality between husband and wife.

He has done many things for which he is ashamed, he struggles with self-loathing and guilt, and he has lost so much of what a man needs: confidence, pride, a healthy masculine strength.

If he moves back in, under your eye and your regulations, I can't see how that would ever help him rebuild himself.

However, on his own, working a strong recovery, doing service for others which builds self-esteem, achieving success on his own two feet in his own way, he could become a man again. And meet you as an equal. A sober man who has forged a new life for himself and has worked through his dark past, on his own, and come out head held high.

I would allow him that opportunity.
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