Boundaries
 

Recently, I posted about my AS moving home and we set boundaries. Someone asked about those boundaries. So, I want to explain what we have done and hopefully newbie parents may gain something from this. But, you - I want to say 'experienced' parents can give us some advice.
Boundaries:
he must keep his full time job
as a member of this home, he must contribute toward upkeep (do chores)
he must make restitution to his GF (he took money from her) and yes, he took money from us, but we will get to that
he must not steal from us in anyway - of course if this happens we will find out after the fact.
He has asked us to hold his check book and credit cards; ok. He has asked us to watch him take his sub; ok. Please don't jump on me for this; it was his idea and if it works I will go with it.

Like it hasn't been said before - I hate this frickng H thing and everything that goes with it.
b.

Is he working a program of recovery of any kind?

Good Luck, please keep your guard up. Heroin is not an easy drug to stop.

I used to get rules and boundaries confused. Rules are guidelines someone else is suppose to follow. Boundaries are a "fence" to protect ourselves. You have established rules not boundaries.

Boundaries begin with the word "I" not "he" or "you".

Examples:

Rule: He must keep his job and contribute to the household.

Boundary: I will not live with someone who free loads. If someone is freeloading, I will promptly ask them to make other arrangements.

Rule: He must not steal from us in any way.

Boundary: I will not allow anyone who steals from me to live in my home. If someone steals from me, I will call the police and press charges.

For some people, rules are meant to be broken....and for whatever reason, addicts seem particularly interested in breaking rules. They don't get the option of "breaking our boundaries" unless we let them.

Someone sent me a wonderful email that talked about life from the perspective of an old farmer, it was priceless. The first item on his list was:

Your fences should be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

I changed that just a little and I keep it in my mind at all times:

My boundaries should be high, tight and strong.

Boundaries are not meant to be flexible.

You, your husband and your son will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke