I need to vent

Old 05-25-2012, 01:20 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pa
Posts: 5
I need to vent

RABF had his 90 days clean on Wed. Good for him.

Except now he's telling me he can only see me once a week and no more intimate relations so he can focus on himself.

I'm f'ing pissed to say the least... even though intellectually I know he's doing what he thinks is best for him. I can't get over the fact I feel like I'm being abandoned/punished.

I'm tired of seeing/hearing about all the fun things he has been doing with his new found recovery friends, while I work a full time job and attempt to find a new apartment. He acts like I don't exist... except for the 2 hours we have together on our designated day.

He's building all these new relationships, while ours sputters out.

I want to hurt him.

It's hard to respect his needs when I feel like I am getting the short end of the stick. I'm moving an hour and a half away in 2 months. :/

I know I'm supposed to practice acceptance here... but I can't seem to jump that hurdle.

Al-anon is not helping right now.
I do plenty of things for myself but I can't shake this angerrrrrr.
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Old 05-25-2012, 01:37 PM
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lesliej's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
you're allowed to feel angry. it's an emotion that is part of our being human.
usually means your boundaries are being crossed in ways that you don't like, anger is there to put up the flag and make you take notice.

you don't LIKE this.
you get to feel your feelings.
you don't have to like it. it might be another red flag for you, your inner self telling you to move on? sometimes its really difficult to just keep accepting the truth in a given circumstance. keep feeling what you need to feel, reveal your truth, let it out and find someone to help you process it. sometimes we think we know why we are feeling something when the truth really lies just under the next layer.

stay with your anger and explore it...give it the freedom to tell you what it is trying to express.
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Old 05-25-2012, 02:48 PM
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Healthy relationships involve mutual agreements, not one person dictating to the other how it's going to be. A relationship based solely on just one person's terms will not last long.

But a healthy relationship, in my opinion, is simply not possible with someone in early sobriety. His brain has not had enough time to change. Change within the addict brain takes time, it is not book-learned, it is the result of gradual, experiential change. Right now he is still dealing with cravings, distorted thinking, confusion, possibly depression, and the absence of self-knowledge. He has very little to offer you.

If you need a genuine relationship involving time and attention and care and intimacy, those needs will not be met with him, for quite some time.

His boundary is 2 hours a week and no sex. Decide what you need in relationship, then set your own boundaries. Not to one-up him. Decide for yourself what your needs are concerning serious relationship, and if being tossed small bits of time and attention, and a requirement of celibacy, does not meet your needs, then you will have to face the reality that you are not with right person right now. Early recovery often involves separation and distance, and only you can decide if you will accept those terms.

It will do no good to try to talk him out of his requirements. You have to decide what yours are.
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