Does change happen overnight?

Old 05-26-2012, 07:27 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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there have been times when I resented anyone who was on my path who I felt made me feel shamed. shame does not help in my book. I felt shamed when someone used to tell me that "it wasn't love it was a fantasy" or that I was "in denial" or even that I was a "codependent"...especially that I was "addicted to the addict", "in the way", "a distraction"...etc etc etc!!!!

often times our sense of being insulted comes from an underlying fear about our own character. such as being "dumb". and guess what? when our character, our being, our heart and soul, has been living in the house of smoke and mirrors otherwise known as addict/active addiction/codependency...we can lose our bearing and be a little lost...and we end up feeling like victims/stupid/self pity/doormats/why me/why me again/anger etc etc etc!! our character/self/ego/spirit has been living in a tornado and we are spun out...our direction goes this way and that and we can ping pong in our emotions.

after many moons I came to realize that though I did not like what felt like shameful accusations whatsoever...they actually were eventually helpful
when I was finally ready to let go, when I had hit my bottom, I looked back and found that it was helpful to realize that parts of my love story were a fantasy and that active addiction was using my hope as a form of denial in order to survive.

take away the shame, take away the fear of being dumb (because none of us are, we are all doing the best we can...) and what you have left are people in your circle of community (a recovery community that you have lovingly discovered for your SELF/SPIRIT) that will hold you accountable to your own life.

some will be soft and gentle, some will be sharp and sturdy, some will point to your red flags, others will sound out like a fog horn for rocks in the water. after you are in recovery longer and longer, the sharp foghorns will become your friends, and you will come to depend on them to help guide you...even if there is recovery happening for both you and your AH.

none of us are dumb, but we can be so very tossed about on the sea of addiction. we are all here as crew. some are in the galley making hot tea, some are helping navigate and others remind us to swab the deck...

stay steady on your course
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Old 05-26-2012, 09:46 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
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Thank you all again.

Please don't misunderstand. There are many caring, sharp, strong, and honest people here. I welcome their input and appreciate their time and efforts to help keep me on my path of recovery. I need to be called out and I can take it....99% of the time.

I was in denial and confused for far too long. I can't imagine how frustrating it is for someone healthy to keep reading one sad, unhealthy post after another. I am not even close to being healthy and sometimes I feel frustrated. (so I just don't post). Often times, I don't post....because of the "who am I am to give input" feeling. It feels too hypocritical.

Yesterday, we (yes, me and my AH) drove 2 hours one way to a family meeting at my son's program. I tried to not be anxious, I prayed and kept repeating many AA slogans in my mind. It was a very painful meeting, but I refused to back down from my position. My son had a nasty look and a nasty attitude and I was not gentle. I was honest and straight forward with him. I will give my husband credit too. Both the program director and I were impressed with how he handled it. He told my son he was done making excuses for his own actions as well as his, etc. He told my son "I am addict because of poor choices I have made, I have a long road to change, it won't be easy but I am determined. I have hurt many people and I have so much to make up for. You want to go down that road, it's your life....I can not save you from yourself, your mother has tried way too hard, and until I see an honest effort on your part, I will no longer help you and I will support your mother's decision to let go and allow you to choose our own path and if its prison....then so be it." After the meeting, my son got up and asked "did I miss dinner?" What?? Not one tear, no emotion....nothing. We went back to the car and my husband stopped and hugged me and said "you can't save him any more than you could save me....just take care of you." Then I noticed he had put his NA key chain on his key ring (wow). And for that moment, I believed he meant what he said. I also remembered Kindeyes post and many others. I too have become determined to quit smoking but fail over and over again. I was left with many mixed emotions.

Then I went to an Alanon meeting and it was about "expectations." I cried the whole way home. I did expect to be married to the end, I did expect to trust, love and honor my husband and I did expect to be treated the same way. Was that so wrong? Was that so unhealthly?

I left with the realization the only people I can and should trust is God and myself and that was a different perspective of how I have lived my life and I was left with a very empty feeling. Then I came home to an empty house and looked around and thought every one of my expectations and all my dreams are gone.

I cried and I am prayed. With God's help, I will make it over the bridge (thank you KE for that image, I keep it in my mind constantly)....it's going to be painful, I am going to stumble, I may even fight it on some level....but it is where I want to be...so it is where I will end up.

So just for today, I am going to count my blessings and I still have many. Just for today, I am going to keep kicking out the negative thoughts that enter my mind and love myself....the best I can right now.


Again, Thank you all for being YOU and supporting me. I am not crazy, I just have no balance yet.
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Old 05-26-2012, 12:12 PM
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You know...

It's not about change over a period of days. It's about growth, self discovery, and getting honest with yourself over a period of years. I don't know your AH, so I can't tell if he's sincere or not regarding his recovery. Frankly, that doesn't concern me. My concern is how you are going to manage your recovery. Put you first and stay the heck out of his way.

I'm pulling for you.

ZoSo
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Old 05-26-2012, 02:38 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
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Thank you Zoso77

In some ways (very few, lol) I can see the positives to having this life changing "experience." I could have been continuing on with my life and never realizing I had stop growing. I would never have realized how many changes I needed to make, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It has been a real awakening for me and I am not going to the miss opportunity to make many changes.

I want to be on the other side of the bridge that Kindeyes described. I have no idea what my life holds for me but I KNOW I have a lot of growth ahead of me and I welcome it. Life is too short to stay stagnant.

P.S. My 18 year old daughter is really reaping the benefits of some of what I am learning. I am letting go and allowing her to make her own choices now that she is an adult. It's her life, she has to live it and learn. (and that's not always easy to do for us Mom's. I see a tattoo coming soon and I will bite me tongue )
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Old 05-26-2012, 06:17 PM
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the marines have an ad that says "Pain is weakness leaving the body" I like to rephrase it and say "pain is weakness leaving the spirit".
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Old 05-26-2012, 07:09 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
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This is one that hit home for me ~

You can have the pain of discipline or the pain of regret! Choose your path wisely.
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Old 05-26-2012, 09:12 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Dumb? I wish it was that easy!!

Dumb doesn't explain why I turned my life upside down for a mere
acquaintance who I happened to cross paths with in two major venues
of my life.
Every single fact indicated she was on the express train to hell.
Obvious out of control addiction.Lost access to her daughter and son,
Living as a white trash slave to a hard time violent felon.
Not to mention she was a "townie"(wrong side of the
tracks in a VERY class conscious city (Boston).
I am afraid there are higher complexities at work here----I was
finally able to see the truth and allow logic (and the certain knowledge
That she was going to crater) to override emotion.

But.......easy it was not!!!
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Old 05-27-2012, 04:39 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lesliej View Post
some will be soft and gentle, some will be sharp and sturdy, some will point to your red flags, others will sound out like a fog horn for rocks in the water. after you are in recovery longer and longer, the sharp foghorns will become your friends, and you will come to depend on them to help guide you...even if there is recovery happening for both you and your AH.

none of us are dumb, but we can be so very tossed about on the sea of addiction. we are all here as crew. some are in the galley making hot tea, some are helping navigate and others remind us to swab the deck...

stay steady on your course
Well said!

Thank goodness for the foghorns. It has taken time for me to understand and truly appreciate their words of wisdom; I guess old habits die hard.
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Old 05-27-2012, 05:28 AM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNot View Post
My goal is to work on me....not him. I periodically get tempted about him but I have not budged. And the next time he tells me he will call me in an hour to discuss something important and "falls asleep," I will block him again. (Sometimes I still let my mind run wild before I realize it and get it back to where it should be...on me and not him.) That is going to take time and practice. Sometimes I have to calm my anxieties and sometimes I don't let myself get anxious at all. Sometimes I am smarter enough to give it to God and sometimes I am no. Again, awareness, time and practice to refocus my energies.
I do understand and agree with your point of (it takes) awareness, time and practice; take it one day at a time.
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