I finally made my son leave....:(
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 217
I finally made my son leave....:(
My heart aches...but I finally did it. My husband and I made my AS pack his bags and leave our home. We told him that we loved him...but we could no longer live with him and his drug use and allow him to destroy us. He came down the stairs to go to work and he was high as a kite. We took his car keys, waited until he was coherent and handed him a few duffle bags and told him to pack up all his clothes. We also took our house key. This may be the hardest thing I have ever done...but I know its the right thing to do. I hope I can make it through this night. He has already started texting me that he is sorry. I told him I was sorry too...but using drugs in my home is unacceptable. Please tell me I did the right thing...xoxo
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
You did the right thing. Turn your phone off for the night and get some rest. He is sure to bring out all the heavy artillery and try to make you feel guilty, but please don't fall for it. He must face the consequences of his own actions. Hang in there. I know it isn't easy, but you don't do him any favors by enabling him. 
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Yes, sweetie, you did the right thing. I agree with ((Suki)) - he's not going to be happy having to face his consequences, will likely say most anything to get you to let him back home, but he really does need to deal with his consequences.
Also remember that we A's are very resourceful when home is no longer an option. Homelessness was just a way of life for me, back when I was using and it was my choice, just as it was his choice to break your boundary.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers,
Amy
Also remember that we A's are very resourceful when home is no longer an option. Homelessness was just a way of life for me, back when I was using and it was my choice, just as it was his choice to break your boundary.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
doing this is so incredibly painful and difficult.....but you did do the right thing. I truly believe that we are all entitled to live in a drug free home. It's devastating to have to do this but I know it's the only way.
Stay strong and know that you are not alone with this sort of pain.....
Stay strong and know that you are not alone with this sort of pain.....
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
My husband kicked his son out a few years ago because of his drug use and lack of respect. The first few nights were the hardest, but addicts are amazingly resourceful, and his son found various places to stay.
I think you did the right thing to allow him the dignity to become a mature, independent, strong adult capable of making his own decisions and handling the consequences of those decisions.
I think you did the right thing to allow him the dignity to become a mature, independent, strong adult capable of making his own decisions and handling the consequences of those decisions.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The thing that helps me is realizing that we did the right thing for me and my husband when we asked our adult son to leave. It wasn't about whether we were doing the right thing for him. We weren't trying to teach him a lesson or punish him. Our home needs to be our refuge.....our safe place. When we are worrying about stealing or the people he might bring around when we weren't home......it was no longer our safe place. It was the right decision for us to ask him to leave.
gentle hugs
ke
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
I'm so sorry you are going through this. As many have said in response to your post, many of us have had to do the same thing. Before weighing in on your actions, though, I have some questions. How old is your son? Did he have any warning that you might do this? Will you be there for him and help him if he asks to get into a rehab program, and if so, does he know this? What is his DOC?
One of the responsive posts alluded to this, but your motivation in asking him to leave should be to preserve your own sanity and happiness, not to make him hit bottom so that he will recover. I say that because the latter event might never happen. Or it might. How he responds to your actions is beyond your control. You should also be aware that the worst might happen. The stress and misery and humiliation of being thrown out of his home by his own parents may well trigger more drug use, at least at the outset, and he could OD. Or not, but it's possible, and you should be prepared for that possibility.
My AS was in in-patient rehab twice in a two-month period, relapsing within 48 hours each time he was released. The second time, we moved him directly into an SLE from the rehab facility, and he still relapsed and was thrown out of the SLE. I let him stay with me for four days to get clean so that he could go back to the SLE, but he used every time my back was turned. When the SLE wouldn't let him return because he was high, I told him that he couldn't stay at my house any longer. That was the last time I saw him. Two days later, he was murdered. He would not have been in the place and circumstance that resulted in his death if I had let him stay with me those two nights.
From a co-dependence and addiction recovery standpoint, I did the exact right thing by sending him out into the night that fateful day. But (and fellow board members, please don't pillory me for this bit of naked honesty) I wish I hadn't. I wish I had been weak. It breaks my heart to think that my last communication with him was my sending him away to fend for himself, the misery that that caused him, and then he was gone. No opportunity for one last hug, or for things to get better.
You probably did the exact right thing in throwing your son out of your house. I probably did, too. But you should be prepared for the possible (and hopefully very unlikely) consequences.
You and your son are in my prayers.
One of the responsive posts alluded to this, but your motivation in asking him to leave should be to preserve your own sanity and happiness, not to make him hit bottom so that he will recover. I say that because the latter event might never happen. Or it might. How he responds to your actions is beyond your control. You should also be aware that the worst might happen. The stress and misery and humiliation of being thrown out of his home by his own parents may well trigger more drug use, at least at the outset, and he could OD. Or not, but it's possible, and you should be prepared for that possibility.
My AS was in in-patient rehab twice in a two-month period, relapsing within 48 hours each time he was released. The second time, we moved him directly into an SLE from the rehab facility, and he still relapsed and was thrown out of the SLE. I let him stay with me for four days to get clean so that he could go back to the SLE, but he used every time my back was turned. When the SLE wouldn't let him return because he was high, I told him that he couldn't stay at my house any longer. That was the last time I saw him. Two days later, he was murdered. He would not have been in the place and circumstance that resulted in his death if I had let him stay with me those two nights.
From a co-dependence and addiction recovery standpoint, I did the exact right thing by sending him out into the night that fateful day. But (and fellow board members, please don't pillory me for this bit of naked honesty) I wish I hadn't. I wish I had been weak. It breaks my heart to think that my last communication with him was my sending him away to fend for himself, the misery that that caused him, and then he was gone. No opportunity for one last hug, or for things to get better.
You probably did the exact right thing in throwing your son out of your house. I probably did, too. But you should be prepared for the possible (and hopefully very unlikely) consequences.
You and your son are in my prayers.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
Puddinface, thanks so much for your post. My AS is living with us right now. I have no physical proof he's using. He claims 4 months of sobriety, claims he's meeting with his sponsor weekly, has been going to less meetings as of the past week. My sponsor said I'll know when I'm meant to know if he has relapsed. From everything I've learned about on this board and at meetings, you absolutely did the right thing. I heard Dr. Drew talk about addiction and discuss the idea that addiction is as deadly as cancer but it's also the only deadly disease that you have to convince the person that they are suffering from. Your family and your son are in my prayers.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
SeekingGrowth has a very good point and she has a perspective that is profoundly different than many people here who either are not dealing with an addicted (adult) child or have not experienced the loss of an addicted (adult) child. I don't think it was shared to create fear but it may cause that kind of response in some of those who are already afraid that the worst may happen.
One of the things I had to do to find my own serenity is accept the fact that I have absolutely no control over my son. I have absolutely no right to tell him how he should live his life. And I have absolutely no control over whether his lifestyle/disease will kill him or land him in jail. Once I finally faced my fear......the fear that his lifestyle (and disease) is dangerous and high risk....just like someone who bungie jumps, skydives, climbs Mt Everest......and it could kill him. I was able to find a measure of peace with it.
Just as I have the right to refuse to be tied to my son should he choose to climb Mt Everest, bungie jump or skydive.....I have the right not to share his lifestyle or participate in his refusal to seek recovery. Living under the same roof with an active addict is like jumping out of a perfectly good airplane relying on them to pull the cord to open the chute. That may be ok for some.....but I don't want to do it anymore...been there done that and THAT scares the bajeebers out of me. And poo on anyone who thinks I'm a bad mother for not trusting an active addict in my home.
I think (correct me if I'm wrong SeekingGrowth) that that is what she is trying to help us all understand. We do what we need to do for ourselves. And yes.....something awful could happen.....but we need to realize that WE didn't cause it to happen by asking them to move out. If it happens, it is because of the lifestyle they have chosen and a disease that can cause premature death. It's also important to remember that many times.....it is the loved ones of the addict who die before the addict does.....because they worry themselves into spiritual, mental, and physical sickness.
Acceptance has been the key for me to my own serenity. Do I ever have periods of anxiety? I would be lying if I said I don't.....but most of the time (90%), I am able to live my life, concentrate, work, love, and find contentment in my own life. To lose myself in my son's addiction is the tragic loss of two lives.
gentle hugs to all of the mothers and fathers out there
ke
One of the things I had to do to find my own serenity is accept the fact that I have absolutely no control over my son. I have absolutely no right to tell him how he should live his life. And I have absolutely no control over whether his lifestyle/disease will kill him or land him in jail. Once I finally faced my fear......the fear that his lifestyle (and disease) is dangerous and high risk....just like someone who bungie jumps, skydives, climbs Mt Everest......and it could kill him. I was able to find a measure of peace with it.
Just as I have the right to refuse to be tied to my son should he choose to climb Mt Everest, bungie jump or skydive.....I have the right not to share his lifestyle or participate in his refusal to seek recovery. Living under the same roof with an active addict is like jumping out of a perfectly good airplane relying on them to pull the cord to open the chute. That may be ok for some.....but I don't want to do it anymore...been there done that and THAT scares the bajeebers out of me. And poo on anyone who thinks I'm a bad mother for not trusting an active addict in my home.
I think (correct me if I'm wrong SeekingGrowth) that that is what she is trying to help us all understand. We do what we need to do for ourselves. And yes.....something awful could happen.....but we need to realize that WE didn't cause it to happen by asking them to move out. If it happens, it is because of the lifestyle they have chosen and a disease that can cause premature death. It's also important to remember that many times.....it is the loved ones of the addict who die before the addict does.....because they worry themselves into spiritual, mental, and physical sickness.
Acceptance has been the key for me to my own serenity. Do I ever have periods of anxiety? I would be lying if I said I don't.....but most of the time (90%), I am able to live my life, concentrate, work, love, and find contentment in my own life. To lose myself in my son's addiction is the tragic loss of two lives.
gentle hugs to all of the mothers and fathers out there
ke
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 217
To all of you wonderful supportive friends...I thank you for reading my post and making me feel so much better about our decision. Your heartfelt replies gave me all the reassurance that I needed to get through the first night! To SeekingGrowth...thank you for your post and I definitely do understand where you are coming from with preparing myself that the worst could happen. To answer your questions...Yes, he did have fair warning (I should say "warnings") that he would have to pack up and leave our home if we were to find out that he was once again using. I had my suspicions for quite some time that he was involved once again with something...just wasnt 100% sure. I really dont know why I didnt follow my gut instinct sooner..because it has always been right...but we gave him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I didnt want to face the fact that we were once again back to square one. I began the same old routine...pacing the floors...peeking out the window to see if his car was home...wondering what he was doing behind his closed bedroom door...blah blah blah...the usual. He is 25 years old...so he is not a teenager. We have been going through this with him since he was 14 years old. (He has already done rehab, he has already been in jail) So, down the stairs he comes to go to work and he is flying high on something. We took his keys and told him we would not speak to him until he was coherent. (Once again..he used in my home) My husband told him that we love him but he is no longer welcome to live in our home. The only way he would ever be welcome to come back into the home would be if he was willing to work some sort of program. We took the house keys from him and told him that one of us will have to be home when and if he chooses to visit. As if right on cue....2 hours after he left, he was texting me saying he was sorry for what occured that morning. Once again, manipulating me. This time, I simply said, I too am sorry but this is the way it has to be. I truly am hoping in my heart that he will finally face some responsibilities and consequences and maybe, just maybe his life will start taking a different direction. I pray this everyday. And yes, I am prepared for the worst. He will not be on the street, he has a friend that he has known since childhood that will let him crash there for a while. So for today, I am feeling good about this decision. I know that it is the right thing to have done. I will no longer compromise my sanity over him. Thank you all so much for listening. xoxo :ghug3
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
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Kindeyes and Puddinface - I did not make my earlier post to generate unwarranted fear, but rather to remind people on this site that the worst COULD happen. It probably won't, but it COULD, and as we who love addicts weigh our courses of action, recognition and consideration of ALL possible consequences should be considered.
Puddinface, your answers to my questions make it clear to me that you did the right thing. You have been dealing with your son's addiction for far longer than I did, and he is older - my AS was only 19. Best wishes for peace and serenity in your decision, and for your son's ultimate recovery.
Puddinface, your answers to my questions make it clear to me that you did the right thing. You have been dealing with your son's addiction for far longer than I did, and he is older - my AS was only 19. Best wishes for peace and serenity in your decision, and for your son's ultimate recovery.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 111
PF - My prayers are with you. After another what's going on talk tonight, I told my son - I can now understand why parents come to the point where they say, no more. We don't stop loving them; what - we stop providing the safety net, we stop making excuses; we say my life cannot be consumed by your problem.
But I think I am ready to make that decision - if he cant' do something, I can't go on forever. GGG, this is hard.
But I think I am ready to make that decision - if he cant' do something, I can't go on forever. GGG, this is hard.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
When I was actively using, I put my dad/stepmom and everyone else who loved me through hell. I distanced myself, had been on my own for years, so not a HUGE deal but then they knew I was on dope (crack). My dad came to the 'hood where I stayed a few times..sometimes I met with him, sometimes, I avoided him (shame).
I got locked up...called dad, "get me OUT!" He couldn't. I was ordered to a diversion center and there was nothing he could do about it.
Sometimes he/stepmom would come to visit me, sometimes not. I learned something...their life was going on, despite what I was doing. I wanted to BE a part of their life (along with the rest of my family) and I couldn't do that unless I got clean.
I did...for the better part of a year, then relapsed. It was when I said "I can't do this any more" and came back home.
My stepmom is an A, dad is an enabler, and I COULD use, for a while, without them knowing, but I have no desire. As I am also a loved one of A's, I understand the pain. I simply can't, and won't do that to my loved ones again.
I hit bottom because the people who loved me LET me. I know...it tore them apart, but it was the right thing to do. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, had my loved ones allowed me to continue using, bailing me out when I got locked up? I'd either still be using, or I would be dead, just as my XABF who shared a crack addiction with me.
I KNOW how hard it is, though not as a parent, but as a niece, cousin, stepdaughter, etc. of A's. I know that death is a possibility - I should be dead, but HP had other plans.
The best advice I can give is keep on living your life. Yes, I know it's hard when you feel as if your heart has been ripped apart. However, there may come a time when your A wants to be a part of your life again, as I did. I was hit with the fact that babies were being born, people died, my nieces/nephews didn't even know me and it was too much.
It may not work for every A, but it worked for me...that and a LOT of reading here about codependency, which was my primary problem.
I keep all A's and whoever loves them in my prayers. My job takes me through a few "hoods" and when I see the A's, I wonder...are they the child of someone I adore on SR? Even if they aren't, I'm pretty sure they have people who love them, are in pain, and I say extra prayers.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I got locked up...called dad, "get me OUT!" He couldn't. I was ordered to a diversion center and there was nothing he could do about it.
Sometimes he/stepmom would come to visit me, sometimes not. I learned something...their life was going on, despite what I was doing. I wanted to BE a part of their life (along with the rest of my family) and I couldn't do that unless I got clean.
I did...for the better part of a year, then relapsed. It was when I said "I can't do this any more" and came back home.
My stepmom is an A, dad is an enabler, and I COULD use, for a while, without them knowing, but I have no desire. As I am also a loved one of A's, I understand the pain. I simply can't, and won't do that to my loved ones again.
I hit bottom because the people who loved me LET me. I know...it tore them apart, but it was the right thing to do. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, had my loved ones allowed me to continue using, bailing me out when I got locked up? I'd either still be using, or I would be dead, just as my XABF who shared a crack addiction with me.
I KNOW how hard it is, though not as a parent, but as a niece, cousin, stepdaughter, etc. of A's. I know that death is a possibility - I should be dead, but HP had other plans.
The best advice I can give is keep on living your life. Yes, I know it's hard when you feel as if your heart has been ripped apart. However, there may come a time when your A wants to be a part of your life again, as I did. I was hit with the fact that babies were being born, people died, my nieces/nephews didn't even know me and it was too much.
It may not work for every A, but it worked for me...that and a LOT of reading here about codependency, which was my primary problem.
I keep all A's and whoever loves them in my prayers. My job takes me through a few "hoods" and when I see the A's, I wonder...are they the child of someone I adore on SR? Even if they aren't, I'm pretty sure they have people who love them, are in pain, and I say extra prayers.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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