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Another test, are you kidding me?

Old 05-24-2012, 12:04 AM
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Another test, are you kidding me?

Oh my god. I am in shock. I just found out through an email via his friends email that he bought a plane ticket to come and see me next week to try and fight for me. What? I just stated my terms and set a really firm boundary. Now what. I leave town unexpectedly tomorrow and maybe will extend. Are you serious? This guy is not giving up. What's a girl gotta do? My sponsor called it today and said what are you gonna do if this guy shows on your doorstep in 6 months. I said there is no way because he doesn't even live here and he is so detached. Speechless. praying. Is this a joke?
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Old 05-24-2012, 12:11 AM
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Not a joke. He is desperate I get his ace Codie back so he can continue to do life his way.

My XAB just showed up at my door on Monday. I ignored it, he kept knocking then got tired and left. He will regroup and think of another tactic.

Remember you are dealing with a master manipulator.
I have had ex boyfriends come our f the woodwork from years ago just to see if I would bite. Who knows why...it's about them and they want us to fix it, heal it, console them, coddle ....just like we have wanted them to care, love us and make our fantasy come true.
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Old 05-24-2012, 12:19 AM
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This is some serious craziness. I have got to hold my boundary. His actions/reactions are not my fault or responsibility. I owe him nothing. What is god trying to show me? What is the lesson? He has his PhD in manipulation. I don't believe in the fantasy anymore. Prove it dude- like after 5 years in recovery. He is trying to call from a friends phone. I would love to believe there is some happy ending but I have the tshirt from this theme park rollercoaster ride and it's worn out.
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Old 05-24-2012, 12:20 AM
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Just turned phone off. Leaving town tomorrow. Going to stay out of town. Him + Me in same town = problem
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Old 05-24-2012, 12:28 AM
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So admire your stengh. Smart move. I'd you know there is a cance the snake charmer could cast a spell better to avoid contact.

I'm so grateful I ne Eric married my XAB or had a kid with him.

Be prepared that he will be angry when his plan doesn't work out. A childish temper tantrum is a coming'

Interesting how predictable they are but we still went back many times thinking it will be different this time. Even though we know the cycle like the back of our hand.
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Old 05-24-2012, 12:39 AM
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Stay safe and I will be praying for you.
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Old 05-24-2012, 01:19 AM
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I was on the phone with my sponsor and he called. When I got disconnected and tried to call my sponsor back, I accidentally answered the phone and said how "he was being manipulative." Not realizing it was my ex, he heard this and freaked out. I hung up suddenly and know he thinks I am with another man. Am I in danger? Or is cutting him off enough. Now I have to get a new phone number and email? That is a problem for business but not sure what else to do. He is pulling out every pity card and looking for the slightest opening. All I can do is pray. So I will start by praying for all of you who are in a difficult position tonight in the face of addiction.
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Old 05-24-2012, 07:00 AM
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Sounds like you're doing the right thing. Harassment is harassment and trespassing is trespassing. So if either of these things are going on, go to the police or call them. You never know, the whole buying a plane ticket coulda been made up to test your reaction. But its likely not. Do whatever you have to to stay safe, up to and including calling the police if you need to. Just decide all this BEFORE hand. in the moment, our thinking gets skewed.

good luck
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Old 05-24-2012, 07:46 AM
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If he EVER shows up at your door uninvited, all you need to do is ask him to leave. Tell him you will call the police if he doesn't leave immediately. Then DO IT. No need to run to another city every time he gets a whim to mess with your mind.

Document EVERYTHING.
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Old 05-24-2012, 07:56 AM
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This reminds me of my XAH many years ago. I was not smart like you. I was young and naive.

I moved 2000 miles away from him.....from the east coast to Colorado to get away from him. He showed up on my doorstep one night. I let him in. I thought how romantic. He must love me to follow me 2000 miles. I married him and that was the beginning of my nightmare.

You know how this will play out. You are so much smarter than I was! Do whatever it takes to stay safe. It's not the end of the world if you have to change your phone number even if it's for business. I had to do that last year (I own a business) when that same axh started to harass me after being divorced from him for 30 years! He began to call my office number. I filed a restraining order on him for harassment ( got a temporary because we could never get the permanent one served). It stopped the nonsense.

Glad to hear you have a sponsor. Take care of you. You'll be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 05-24-2012, 08:45 AM
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It's very common for addicts to resurface, and travel many miles to do so. It's also common for abusers to do this, as they have a compulsion to dominate and a need to pressure a partner or former partner into submission. It's also common, as well, for pathological narcissists--if they haven't found a new partner--to reappear because they have a compulsion to seek attention and they feel dead without it.

I can't advise you on any specific action--other than NC, of course--and though you have not posted that he has ever been threatening in a physical way, still, since you are dealing with someone who is intoxicated, it would be a good idea to keep pepper spray in your purse. You can pick one up at any large sporting goods store. A small sprayer for your keychain is about $10.
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Old 05-24-2012, 09:23 AM
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Hello Black and Blue,

I am feeling for you. I think when the contact has been recent all sorts of dynamics come into play. All the sleeping demons wake up. The elixir gets stirred.

Like you I recently saw my ex. I allowed him to meet a friend and I at a big outdoor celebration and then he met me at my house for a bite to eat and a "conversation". The conversation turned into an argument. A lot of the old dynamics of pain, shame and blame showed up...and I am still battling them back down after almost two weeks. It's so identical to a relapse...you use (just a "little bit"/just a hangout in the park like we used to do/just a "conversation"...) and you have to deal with the consequences!

So about ten days after seeing him, four days after texting him, and one day after fighting on the phone...I am back to step ONE. And I am praying.

Why am I praying??? Because there is some part of me, a deep inside yearning...that he WILL keep calling, keep texting, keep showing up and begging. Why do I secretly want this? Because I keep finding that I have this fantasy that somehow he will get it...that the conflicts and anger/shame/blame that we share will somehow help him see that his addiction is the heart of manipulation and dis-ease. Because I keep thinking that I can SEE his beautiful spirit if he would only stop using. Because I WANT him...and it has been proven to me again and again and again...that I can't have Jekyll without Hyde.

I don't even know if Hyde is that bad. The conversations/arguments/blame/shame gets so twisted around in the tornado between us that I start to doubt my own sanity...
"am I developing personality disorder?" "am I selfish and uncompassionate?" "am I a narcissistic abuser?"

these are the consequences.
I have to own the fact that I wanted a little bit of my drug
I wanted some of that oh-so-seductive elixir
I keep disregarding the evidence and thinking I can sneak in and get just a little...that maybe I will help him see the way toward a clean and healthy constant supply
that my withholding should have done some good by now
that my punishment of not seeing him should have helped by now
that I should get some reward of his love for having resisted/avoided/withdrawn for some amount of time

it's really hard. my heart has its cravings, I am an addict and I need to face my addiction and own it. its hard

I offer my voice, (my admission and tangential thread hi-jacking) as a way to allow space to open to a dark/difficult truth that many of us carry. blessings and peace...
as my daily meditation reminded me today..."keep shining the light on our own monsters"

hugs and strength,
leslie
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Old 05-24-2012, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by lesliej View Post
Hello Black and Blue,

I am feeling for you. I think when the contact has been recent all sorts of dynamics come into play. All the sleeping demons wake up. The elixir gets stirred.

Like you I recently saw my ex. I allowed him to meet a friend and I at a big outdoor celebration and then he met me at my house for a bite to eat and a "conversation". The conversation turned into an argument. A lot of the old dynamics of pain, shame and blame showed up...and I am still battling them back down after almost two weeks. It's so identical to a relapse...you use (just a "little bit"/just a hangout in the park like we used to do/just a "conversation"...) and you have to deal with the consequences!

So about ten days after seeing him, four days after texting him, and one day after fighting on the phone...I am back to step ONE. And I am praying.

Why am I praying??? Because there is some part of me, a deep inside yearning...that he WILL keep calling, keep texting, keep showing up and begging. Why do I secretly want this? Because I keep finding that I have this fantasy that somehow he will get it...that the conflicts and anger/shame/blame that we share will somehow help him see that his addiction is the heart of manipulation and dis-ease. Because I keep thinking that I can SEE his beautiful spirit if he would only stop using. Because I WANT him...and it has been proven to me again and again and again...that I can't have Jekyll without Hyde.

I don't even know if Hyde is that bad. The conversations/arguments/blame/shame gets so twisted around in the tornado between us that I start to doubt my own sanity...
"am I developing personality disorder?" "am I selfish and uncompassionate?" "am I a narcissistic abuser?"

these are the consequences.
I have to own the fact that I wanted a little bit of my drug
I wanted some of that oh-so-seductive elixir
I keep disregarding the evidence and thinking I can sneak in and get just a little...that maybe I will help him see the way toward a clean and healthy constant supply
that my withholding should have done some good by now
that my punishment of not seeing him should have helped by now
that I should get some reward of his love for having resisted/avoided/withdrawn for some amount of time

it's really hard. my heart has its cravings, I am an addict and I need to face my addiction and own it. its hard

I offer my voice, (my admission and tangential thread hi-jacking) as a way to allow space to open to a dark/difficult truth that many of us carry. blessings and peace...
as my daily meditation reminded me today..."keep shining the light on our own monsters"

hugs and strength,
leslie
I have recently experienced this and you have put my exact feelings into such eloquent words......as usual. For me, I too, am back to Step 1...I am powerless.
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Old 05-24-2012, 11:26 PM
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Amen. I am in contact with my higher power, sponsor, counselor and loved ones. I am not in contact with him except of for the "accidental" answer when I got disconnected from my sponsor. It stirred a lot up, even to have a 2 second conversation. So I cannot imagine how much an intentional conversation would stir up. Holding steady, giving it up to HP, and breathing. The decision to make this dramatic would be all mine. I can choose. Serenity prayer. Step 1 and 11 tonight. And I am out of town for me with family in a safe and healing space and I will return home regardless of him. I will not do or feel what he can for himself. I am not responsible for him or his self-loathing, self-destruction, and selfishness. One thing at a time. God bless him, change me. Bless you all.
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Old 05-25-2012, 12:22 AM
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Lesliej you stated the classic codie relapse so well.

When you start getting a craving what do you do?

I reach out to my support system, go p,at with my dog, workout, go do something fun and distracting like interesting classes, bookstore, health food store....
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Old 05-25-2012, 11:38 AM
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It is my choice to uphold my boundaries for which I am grateful you all have so poignantly reminded me. I have faith that I can do this. This for me is about working the steps. It is interesting that I already had a plane ticket to come and be with family for the weekend. The same weekend that he was going to show up where I lived. He is coming for a funeral and is only passing thru town and was hoping for a brief face to face. I declined and restated my boundary when I accidentally got his call. The fix is tempting but losing my sanity again and again is not. I am simply removing myself from my DOC. Just for today.
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