crazybabie

I feel so lost and confused my thoughts will not shut down so I am sorry if this
is running in circles but that is how I feel.Blasted Bi-Polar is reacting to the stress, I have no clue what I want and I know I do not have to decide right this minute, AH texted as usual he will send 1 or 2 a night just so he can say he did...

I had him move out and we agreed to work on our marriage while living apart. The only boundary I set was we have to communicate , he wanted to date etc.. seeing we moved in with each other when I was 15 and him 16. Well our so called dates have been Sunday he came by took me to breakfast came back here and had sex and he was gone saying he had to do his laundry he had no clean clothes for work the next day.

Monday, he text I love you baby ..same thing every morning between 6:30 & 7:30

Then he will wait until around 9:00 or 9"30 pm and say what are you doing just any simple thing ...As, I said before if I don't reply then he blows my phone up. The text he sends are not communicating?

Tonight he sent I love you baby do you wanna go out this weekend? I replied and asked what day because I have plans for one day already . His response was IDK.

I need to rethink and set some new boundaries because this obviously is not productive in anyway we are getting nowhere.

I know he had to be high because he is the jealous type and did not ask me what my plans were or who with or even which day...

This will be a holiday weekend so he would not show up anyways most likely.

I just do not understand why this bothers me so much... I feel confused, hurt, angry, and any other emotion you can think of.

Why is it so hard to just let go forget he exists where and how do you even start?

Someone anyone please share your experience on this... I have considered that maybe it is harder for me because we have always been together as a so called couple since we, were just kids but who am I kidding surely it has been this hard on people who have been in short relationships as well?

I left the house awhile tonight after reading HALT I was lonely so I went to my step moms job and talked with her. I am losing interest in the few things I did enjoy.

My doctor I am certain will not increase my anti depressant because I am a cycle rapidly when he does my MD wanted him to for the perimenopause symptoms I started a few months back and he said no that he did not want to chance it.

I have my therapist on Thursday but after that I am starting group meetings
instead of one on, one. I was suppose to have had my last individual session already but I left her a voice mail about I had been tested for STDS and if she could call and let me tell her because I am not entering a group and discuss that. She called me back within 30 minutes and asked could I be there Thursday at 7:00 am.

I have been in therapy since i was 25 now 46 seriously doubting this, is gonna help.

Ii am thinking go to my therapy appt, the I have FA that night then just continue the pland my dad asked if I wanted to come to his house and stay a few days they are having a cookout etc...

My issue with that is the pot smoking it will not be alot and I do not have too sit there and watch them and they live in the sticks so no police worries and in all honesty I have no friends. My daughter just started a job and she has to have me take her to work and she finds out tomorrow her schedule for the rest of this week.

Right now I wish I could just crawl up in a ball and forget the world exists.

I can't do that to unhealthy I have enough unhealthy already. I have been known to stay in my room for 2-3 months at a time. I do not wanna ever be back like that again. Yet, I feel I may be slipping that way.

Love is not suppose to hurt right? I wonder if I ever even knew what love is what anything is ... yada yada yada .

Doingfine

It's funny (and I am the same) how we can tell others what they should do, see peoples situation clearly and suggest things to make life easier an have really good advice for them but can't seem to use that knowledge on yourself.

crazybabie

I agree when I see some post they jump out at me and I feel I know somewhat , what to say to them yet when it comes to me I am so freaking clueless.

dollydo

Well, I thought that your only boundery was "No Sex".

Honestly, I have no suggestions, I am not clinically trained and IMHO your issues seem to run far deeper than just being codependent.

I do sincerely wish you the best, and hope that you can eventually make the right decision for you, whether it be to stay forever with him or leave and forge ahead on your own.

crazybabie

Dolly, you are right no sex is now a boundary, in the beginning the only boundary was he can not move in unless he has been working some type of program for a period of time and that I may or may not take him back then after I found out who he was seen with no sex became a boundary. We talked after the test results came in and witout some communication we really do not know what we are working on? That was the thinking at the time I am glad you posted because I see I was focusing on the confusion, pain etc... basically communication.

When in all honesty I know where we stand he is out using and I am working on me.
Please have patience with the mood disorder and stress and the perimenopause I am a basket case most days.

Kindeyes

Angie
You know the saying "you are what you eat", right? I think the saying should be "you are what you think" because that is far more accurate.

I have a long history of moodiness......my dear husband will vouch for that. I was one who let external things drive my emotions and moods. The glass was always half empty and I was very good at martyring myself (which created a lot of resentment and negative energy within me). When I was "up", I was exhausting to be around because I was so up......when I was "down", I was exhausting to be around be I sucked the energy out of others. Add the anxiety of addiction with my son, stress of running a company, and it was.....not pretty. This was who I WAS.

My thought processes ruled me. I "was" whatever I was "thinking".

I am absolutely AMAZED at the power of the brain. It CAN be retrained. It DOES respond to itself. (Does that makes sense?) But it takes a great deal of time, energy and focus. When I shifted that energy and brain power away from the external and focused on what was going on "in me", that is when things started to change FOR me.

Positive affirmations. Meetings. Daily gratitude lists. Lots of reading. Daily reading from wonderful Al-Anon and Nar-Anon literature. Exercise (yoga specifically). These are the tools I've employed to shift my thought processes. And IT WORKED! Sometimes....I feel myself slipping back into those old patterns and I crank up my work on me.

They say it works if you work it, Angie......and it really does.

You are still concentrating so much on him....and not so much on you. The Serenity Prayer made no sense to me at one time....now it has become my mantra. But it took someone changing it to help me understand it well...God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, The courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know...it's me.

If you lived near me, I would be your friend in person. But I don't so I'll be your friend here on SR. See there.....now you can't say "I don't have any friends". The best friends I have, I have met in 12 step meetings. I love them. They understand my struggle and they love me anyway.

Keep going back......

gentle hugs
ke

crazybabie

KE, you are exactly right I didn't think of it that way I just always "assumed" that the bipolar and borderline personality was the cause but after you said that I agree I am often martyring myself.

That is a good thing to realize thank you so much not having friends is my fault my family could not comprehend my oldest son was schizoaffective so I just stayed home didn't associate much with anyone,

I have always looked up to you KE of course many others as well... I hope to be where you are at some point and I am willing to put the work in I am worth it.
I thought I was doing good and in ways I guess I am I have made progress and surely backsliding is going to happen during this process so I will look at this as a good thing
that is one more thing I learned about me and what I am doing because if I am aware of it I can work on it.

crazybabie

Dolly, yes my issues are more than codependent.I have a diagnosis of rapid cycling bipolar and borderline personality, I have a therapist and psyc for those issue according to them the bipolar is stable right now. I see my therapist tomorrow.

Do those things complicate things for me I am sure they do in some ways.

crazybabie

anvil,

1.get enough sleep
.My sleep does vary I have sleep apnea and also sleepwalk. I do lay down when tired and sleep if possible. Sometimes I may sleep 2 hours and be awake for 18 other times I may sleep 12 and be awake 2 and need to sleep again. the doctors are working on that. (Medical Issue)

2. eat healthy organized planned meals Yes, my meals are healthy I allow myself one day a week to eat something I usually would not but only eat it in modesty.

3. stay active I am much more active now that he is out of the house but I do need to be more active than I am.

4. keep your living environment tidy, well kept, and pleasing TO YOU? Yes, I keep everything tidy and pleasing to me.

5. engage in activities that are fun, soothing, creative, soul filling? I have focused on everyone else so long I am just now trying to find out what I do like doing. I do enjoy reading and music my music seems to soothe me. I have started going out with my step-mom and two of her friends for girls night out which is dinner sometimes we do once a month and sometimes twice a month..

6. laugh out loud Yes I have my gf that had to move out of town who always makes me laugh and I try and watch comedy shows as well. But more laughter would never hurt.

7. find things to be joyful about Yes and know when I am not driving myself crazy like I was last night yes I have even discovered the trees are green and the sky has various beautiful colors those are things I never even noticed before for so many years.

8. maintain an attitude of gratitude No I have not got there yet. I do maintain gratitude for each day I have on earth, other than that no. I do keep a gratitude list seems I need to move it where I can always see it.

9. have a spiritual life of any kind that works for YOU? Yes

10. live in today? No, I thought I was but looking back at my post I see I was not last night. So I am not consistently living in today.


Thanks, anival good insight.

wicked

Thank you so much anvil for being you.
I am so grateful when you post and bring it back to basics.
Since my tendency is to complicate everything until it becomes impossible to even start.

Kindeyes,
I think you would be an excellent friend. "You are what you think."
This is one of those serendipitous moments for me. I have seen that sentiment expressed in different ways, on different forums for 3 days now.
Yeah, I got the hit over the head. LOL

You and Anvil will have to be my west coast home girls.
Angie, you are in sweet home Alabama, Lord, I'm comin' home to you.

Thank you Angie for putting it all out there. As long as you stay honest with yourself, and keep working on you, you will live the way you want to, and nothing else.

Beth

Chino

I can see that on a motivational poster and it's beautiful

crazybabie

Can trying to read too much at once cause such confusion? There is a lot of information to absorb. I was thinking I have been reading for at least four hours a day on addiction, codependency, FA, twelve steps, etc.. then I read a lot of post wondering if it is possible to start feeling overwhelmed when trying to digest so much information at one time.
Any thoughts on that?

Doingfine

I was trying to think if something helpful here but can't.

I guess you are trying to solve everything at once. Soaking in as much healing as you can absorb.

Maybe the whole substance addiction topic has become your new addiction?

Mine is cheeseburgers dressed like a Mac. I suspect your addiction is healthier.