5 years wasted?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 27
5 years wasted?
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now on and off. On and off due to his heroin addiction.
We have a 3 year old girl and 6 month old boy together. I knew he smoked pot and took norco's occasionally
when we started dating in 2007. It wasnt until we lived together in 2010 that he admitted what he was doing to make
him so violent, mean, distant and hurtful. I told him go to rehab or im leaving...and he did as impatient for 21 days.
It was to the point we were having bricks thrown at the house at midnight and i felt it was unsafe for me and my kids (i also
have an older child, not with him), so we moved back in with my parents. I took him back a couple months out of rehab and he said
his life was so changed and he felt happy again and so on. We got back together in August, and by my daughters birthday in Nov he was
back at it again, bad, showed up to her bday party and even she asked at the age of 8 what was wrong with his face and why he looked like he
did that night. I would ask and ask and he would lie and lie. In 2011 he was arrested for agg battery in a bar and went to jail, he had a previous
dom battery with me amongst other numerous charges throughout the years so his bond was $2000 to get him out, after he begged me to call his parents who had
given up on him long before this point, and friends who were doing the same things he was doing so had no money, my mom ended up feeling bad for my daughter and
being confused where daddy was so she spend her vaca money to get him out after 3 weeks of him being in. While he was in jail his landlady informed me that he was $3000 behind on
his $540 a month rent so he had to leave and he avoided her attempts to evict him, so me and my parents had to clean out his stuff for him. I had just found out i was preg with our
son and while cleaning his apt came across numerous tiny baggies with residue, needles, spoons, the whole shabang. He wouldnt admitt it to me for a few days when i spoke with him in jail
and when i told him i was preg he fessed up. He then was homeless so had to live with my parents also, so from march of 2011-nov of 2011 we went through being in and out of jail, finding
baggies, my moms teaspoons all missing, finding hidden containers of urine (he was in outpatient ordered at court), missing money weekly, stealing $ from me and my mom, stealing my dads stuff and
pawning it...etc. He only admitted to slipping a few times but i kept having faith in him. Unlil Nov when after having a week old baby i was just in no shape to deal with it so i made him leave.
I again fell for his i miss you, i love you, i need you in feb and we have been working on it since. But once again i have had bags of clothes i bought for myself missing that hes admitting to taking
back to the store for $, and he even recently stole over $20 out of his own 3 year old daughters piggy bank. The problem is he is a roofer so he is on unemployment and getting like $300-$400 checks a week all winter
then BOOM, in may he starts work and gets $900-$1000 a week all of a sudden again. Im worried he is going to die and i have told him I know he will relapse but i just want him to tell me first or call me if he is about
to or thinking of buying it BEFORE he does it. But he never does, he waits til he has hurt and used us to the point that i cant stand the sound of his voice.
Now were back at sqaure one.... he is saying his life is out of control without me, but how is it in control with me? I feel like to keep taking him back is to say its ok you can get away with it again. But i also go to church
every sunday and feel like i cant help but forgive him. Im not perfect and need forgiveness often, just like everyone else. But me and my children will never have a normal stable life with him at this point, i want to be married
and have a home, like a normal family does, im almost 30! As much as it kills me to just give up on him and leave him with no one, as well as leave my kids confused and sad, it might hurt just as much to stay and keep trying
to repair something that has no hope. His addiction has consumed my life, I have googled symptoms, mental affects, physical affects, methods of use, withdrawls, etc.....everything there is to google about heroin use daily. I have turned into an fbi looking through cars, drawers, pockets.... I have looked
at all the sites like this and read all the stories..... I just need advise.
We have a 3 year old girl and 6 month old boy together. I knew he smoked pot and took norco's occasionally
when we started dating in 2007. It wasnt until we lived together in 2010 that he admitted what he was doing to make
him so violent, mean, distant and hurtful. I told him go to rehab or im leaving...and he did as impatient for 21 days.
It was to the point we were having bricks thrown at the house at midnight and i felt it was unsafe for me and my kids (i also
have an older child, not with him), so we moved back in with my parents. I took him back a couple months out of rehab and he said
his life was so changed and he felt happy again and so on. We got back together in August, and by my daughters birthday in Nov he was
back at it again, bad, showed up to her bday party and even she asked at the age of 8 what was wrong with his face and why he looked like he
did that night. I would ask and ask and he would lie and lie. In 2011 he was arrested for agg battery in a bar and went to jail, he had a previous
dom battery with me amongst other numerous charges throughout the years so his bond was $2000 to get him out, after he begged me to call his parents who had
given up on him long before this point, and friends who were doing the same things he was doing so had no money, my mom ended up feeling bad for my daughter and
being confused where daddy was so she spend her vaca money to get him out after 3 weeks of him being in. While he was in jail his landlady informed me that he was $3000 behind on
his $540 a month rent so he had to leave and he avoided her attempts to evict him, so me and my parents had to clean out his stuff for him. I had just found out i was preg with our
son and while cleaning his apt came across numerous tiny baggies with residue, needles, spoons, the whole shabang. He wouldnt admitt it to me for a few days when i spoke with him in jail
and when i told him i was preg he fessed up. He then was homeless so had to live with my parents also, so from march of 2011-nov of 2011 we went through being in and out of jail, finding
baggies, my moms teaspoons all missing, finding hidden containers of urine (he was in outpatient ordered at court), missing money weekly, stealing $ from me and my mom, stealing my dads stuff and
pawning it...etc. He only admitted to slipping a few times but i kept having faith in him. Unlil Nov when after having a week old baby i was just in no shape to deal with it so i made him leave.
I again fell for his i miss you, i love you, i need you in feb and we have been working on it since. But once again i have had bags of clothes i bought for myself missing that hes admitting to taking
back to the store for $, and he even recently stole over $20 out of his own 3 year old daughters piggy bank. The problem is he is a roofer so he is on unemployment and getting like $300-$400 checks a week all winter
then BOOM, in may he starts work and gets $900-$1000 a week all of a sudden again. Im worried he is going to die and i have told him I know he will relapse but i just want him to tell me first or call me if he is about
to or thinking of buying it BEFORE he does it. But he never does, he waits til he has hurt and used us to the point that i cant stand the sound of his voice.
Now were back at sqaure one.... he is saying his life is out of control without me, but how is it in control with me? I feel like to keep taking him back is to say its ok you can get away with it again. But i also go to church
every sunday and feel like i cant help but forgive him. Im not perfect and need forgiveness often, just like everyone else. But me and my children will never have a normal stable life with him at this point, i want to be married
and have a home, like a normal family does, im almost 30! As much as it kills me to just give up on him and leave him with no one, as well as leave my kids confused and sad, it might hurt just as much to stay and keep trying
to repair something that has no hope. His addiction has consumed my life, I have googled symptoms, mental affects, physical affects, methods of use, withdrawls, etc.....everything there is to google about heroin use daily. I have turned into an fbi looking through cars, drawers, pockets.... I have looked
at all the sites like this and read all the stories..... I just need advise.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Children first, this is not a healthy enviorement for them. He is an addict, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program, that is it. Your children with him have inherited the gene that predisposes them to addiction, that does not mean that they will become addicts, however, raising them in a toxic home certainly does not help.
The US Dept of Health and Humon Services considers parental drug abuse a form of abuse. When a parent has an addiction problem, they are no longer deemed a responsibile caretaker. Child Protection Services can and will remove a child who resides with an addicted parent.
Might be time to put those children first, he is an adult, his addiction is his to resolve.
On top of all that, he is a physical abuser, what is a deal breaker for you?
Take some time to read all the stickeys in the Family & Friends Forums, lots of valuable information at your fingertips.
The US Dept of Health and Humon Services considers parental drug abuse a form of abuse. When a parent has an addiction problem, they are no longer deemed a responsibile caretaker. Child Protection Services can and will remove a child who resides with an addicted parent.
Might be time to put those children first, he is an adult, his addiction is his to resolve.
On top of all that, he is a physical abuser, what is a deal breaker for you?
Take some time to read all the stickeys in the Family & Friends Forums, lots of valuable information at your fingertips.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 27
They do not reside with him, obviously they did while he was with us at my parents house but they never have and never will live with or even spend a day or night at his house without me. I wish i could trust him to do that but i cant and it hurts. Plus he makes me feel like crap about it saying "how sad is it that you wont even let your own children see their father because your mad at me?" I know its part of how an addict is, never accepting responsibility, but it still hurts no matter how many times we go through it.
As for the abuse that was in 2008 and it was a nightmare, like too much to get into but it was before i was aware of the heroin, i thought he was high on something and because his face, voice and eyes just seemed so different, he was a monster. But i dropped the order of protection a couple months after because i thought it had to have been a one time thing that drugs made him act that way. That too, he takes every oppertunity he can to throw back in my face. Example: he sees a gun on tv, "o i wish i could get my foid card but ill never be able to since you threw me in jail that night".
I know its all in the addict behavior and its alot to deal with and always will be. I just feel like such a terrible person if i give up on him. He has no one except all the other addicts at his work.
As for the abuse that was in 2008 and it was a nightmare, like too much to get into but it was before i was aware of the heroin, i thought he was high on something and because his face, voice and eyes just seemed so different, he was a monster. But i dropped the order of protection a couple months after because i thought it had to have been a one time thing that drugs made him act that way. That too, he takes every oppertunity he can to throw back in my face. Example: he sees a gun on tv, "o i wish i could get my foid card but ill never be able to since you threw me in jail that night".
I know its all in the addict behavior and its alot to deal with and always will be. I just feel like such a terrible person if i give up on him. He has no one except all the other addicts at his work.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Hjandro)) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.
I'm both a recovering addict and have loved ones who are still active A's (addicts/alcoholics). Forgiveness doesn't mean we continue to subject ourselves (and children in your case) to dangerous and illegal behavior.
When I finally hit bottom in addiction and codependency, I had to forgive others as well as myself. It was WAY harder to forgive myself. I had to admit I played a part in my dysfunctional relationships. I was convinced "love" would cure all. It doesn't. If it did, none of us would be here. I could totally focus on all that "he" had done wrong to me, but it was pretty hard to accept responsibility that I taught "him" how to treat me...sure, I'd get mad, but I'd always take them back (I have 3 ex A bf's). That taught them that they could do whatever they wanted and I'd be okay with it.
((Dolly)) is right - I have a friend who's daughter was put into foster care because she allowed her to be around someone she shouldn't have. Last I heard, the friend was back in jail (not for drugs, just ignoring probation), daughter had a child at 16 by a 42-year-old man, was still with him and was "dancing" for a living.
Your bf is an adult and is going to do what he wants to do. I wish I had gotten out at 5 years, rather than spend another 20 with A's and turning to drugs, myself, because I just couldn't deal with it.
I hope you keep reading and posting. It's never easy to let go of an A that we love, but it's the best thing we can do for ourselves and them.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm both a recovering addict and have loved ones who are still active A's (addicts/alcoholics). Forgiveness doesn't mean we continue to subject ourselves (and children in your case) to dangerous and illegal behavior.
When I finally hit bottom in addiction and codependency, I had to forgive others as well as myself. It was WAY harder to forgive myself. I had to admit I played a part in my dysfunctional relationships. I was convinced "love" would cure all. It doesn't. If it did, none of us would be here. I could totally focus on all that "he" had done wrong to me, but it was pretty hard to accept responsibility that I taught "him" how to treat me...sure, I'd get mad, but I'd always take them back (I have 3 ex A bf's). That taught them that they could do whatever they wanted and I'd be okay with it.
((Dolly)) is right - I have a friend who's daughter was put into foster care because she allowed her to be around someone she shouldn't have. Last I heard, the friend was back in jail (not for drugs, just ignoring probation), daughter had a child at 16 by a 42-year-old man, was still with him and was "dancing" for a living.
Your bf is an adult and is going to do what he wants to do. I wish I had gotten out at 5 years, rather than spend another 20 with A's and turning to drugs, myself, because I just couldn't deal with it.
I hope you keep reading and posting. It's never easy to let go of an A that we love, but it's the best thing we can do for ourselves and them.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 27
I understand all that and it def got me teary eyed.....the main thing that bothers me is (since he has buried 4 friends to the drug in the past 3 years) what if he dies, and its after i have given up. Id feel beyond awful, i dont know what id do.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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I have been with my AH for 31 years every since I was 15 and I use to think what if as well and sometimes still do the truth is he will use if your with him and if you not until he is ready to quit. He manipulates you by saying he needs you that is his way of holding on to you so he can have his cake and eat it as well.
You have no control over his choices only your choices what IF ?
What if you stay and he gets violent and you end up dead where would that leave your kids? What if you stay with him and keep enabling him and your kids think drug use is OK?
I am saying that as a parent who thought my hubby was smoking pot and I could deal with that then he threw in pills and alcohol mixture.
One of our sons overdosed in our home and I had to do CPR trust me I have though what if many times. My what if then was what if I had left and gotten my kids out of that environment would I be looking at my son, on a breathing tube?
What if you start working on a recovery program for you?
Nar-Anon, Family Anon or Al-Anon?
You have no control over his choices only your choices what IF ?
What if you stay and he gets violent and you end up dead where would that leave your kids? What if you stay with him and keep enabling him and your kids think drug use is OK?
I am saying that as a parent who thought my hubby was smoking pot and I could deal with that then he threw in pills and alcohol mixture.
One of our sons overdosed in our home and I had to do CPR trust me I have though what if many times. My what if then was what if I had left and gotten my kids out of that environment would I be looking at my son, on a breathing tube?
What if you start working on a recovery program for you?
Nar-Anon, Family Anon or Al-Anon?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Unfortunately death is a very real consequence of addiction. You don't have to go down with him though, and your kids deserve better even if you don't believe that you do (you do, fwiw!). You are powerless over him, but you have total power over yourself and your choices, plus total power over the type of home your children are going to grow up in.
I was told my social services that if I didn't leave my ex, my child would be taken away from me. That's another very real consequence. When there are children and abuse involved, you need to face the harsh reality of the situation. It's ok to love him, its not ok to put yourself and your children in the firing line.
I was told my social services that if I didn't leave my ex, my child would be taken away from me. That's another very real consequence. When there are children and abuse involved, you need to face the harsh reality of the situation. It's ok to love him, its not ok to put yourself and your children in the firing line.
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So theres just no hope? I mean homelessness for a week, in n out of jail, in n out of rehab, not seeing his daughter for 8 months in her first year of life, going to court with me, burying his friends, losing his apt and car he had just paid off, getting his other car re-poed (that his mom bailed out for $1100 after he begged her enough), etc.... hasnt helped. When i have left he threatens to take me to court since i wont let him see the kids or drive them anywhere (because i have dui's on my record but they are from 3 years ago) I havent been in any legal trouble other than that and that was that long ago but he thinks that they will deem me "unfit" in court since he always gets away with his drug tests.
Btw, how do heroin addicts (he also has been taking xanax) pass all the probation and drug classes and courts drug tests?
Btw, how do heroin addicts (he also has been taking xanax) pass all the probation and drug classes and courts drug tests?
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Just saturday he promised our daughter, that he hasnt seen in 2 weeks, that he was coming over and playing outside with her..... after a couple hours and him not showing and her asking where daddy was at i called, he was too high for me to even understand what he was saying practically so i told him to stay home. Then i had to tell her that daddy was sick and not coming......it breaks my heart and shes sooooo confused. As for the baby, i guess he will just never know daddy?!? Im mommy/daddy to 3 and my oldest has never had her father around either.
Im just glad that last year is over with though honestly, being preg and dealing with him and all that was about the death of me.
Im just glad that last year is over with though honestly, being preg and dealing with him and all that was about the death of me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
There's always hope.. But you can hope from a distance. You can disentangle yourself from the web of addiction and betrayal and live and hope and everything else. You can move out and bring your kids up in a safe, stable, loving environment. You can't drag yourself and your children through hell and back everyday on the basis of your idea of his potential. What if this is the best it ever gets? Unfortunately you don't get to decide where his rock bottom is, only he can find that, but you don't need to go along for the ride.
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Location: Alabama
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I will not say there is no hope that he will never stop again that is up to him. Read all the things you just posted the homelessness, 8 months not seeing his daughter etc.. Every A had to reach "their" rock bottom not what we think should have been "their" rock bottom.
Sadly, sometimes that rock bottom is death. I know it was for my daughters fiancee.
There are pills one can buy as well as things they can drink that can mask the test results. When on color code that is much harder for them too do (I am sure some manage)
Do you have your DL back where you can drive legally? Just my opinion here but he knows the kids are your weakness so he pits that against you.
Sadly, sometimes that rock bottom is death. I know it was for my daughters fiancee.
There are pills one can buy as well as things they can drink that can mask the test results. When on color code that is much harder for them too do (I am sure some manage)
Do you have your DL back where you can drive legally? Just my opinion here but he knows the kids are your weakness so he pits that against you.
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Location: Atlanta
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((Hjandro)) - As long as a person has a breath left in them, I would never say "there is no hope". However what you see as totally irrational (homelessness, losing material things, not seeing his daughter) are usually "just another day" to an A. I was homeless, jumped into cars with strange men to make money for crack. The ex that died? He hadn't seen his younger sons since they were babies (they were in high school when he and I were together). His oldest son? Right there in the 'hood with us, selling crack.
My ex did die after I left him. He didn't WANT recovery. He WANTED crack..and alcohol. I know addiction inside and out but I couldn't make him want recovery. I can't do anything about my stepmom (who I live in the same house with) who is addicted to pills. I can't do anything about my dad (also in the house) who gets mad at her, then turns around and enables her.
The only person I can do anything about is me. The great people here have taught me that I'm not responsible for anyone else's actions..good or bad. I can detach..let people live their life they way they want to, even if I totally disagree. I do still slip and slide back into codependency, but I come here, vent, ask for advice, whatever and get re-grounded.
As far as passing drug tests? Trust me, A's are extremely resourceful at protecting their addiction. You can catch them red-handed and they will usually come up with "it's only this once" or some other story. When we are actively using? That is all we care about, though we can be quite manipulative at telling "you" what we think you want to hear. The more you read around here, the more you'll see what I'm talking about.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
My ex did die after I left him. He didn't WANT recovery. He WANTED crack..and alcohol. I know addiction inside and out but I couldn't make him want recovery. I can't do anything about my stepmom (who I live in the same house with) who is addicted to pills. I can't do anything about my dad (also in the house) who gets mad at her, then turns around and enables her.
The only person I can do anything about is me. The great people here have taught me that I'm not responsible for anyone else's actions..good or bad. I can detach..let people live their life they way they want to, even if I totally disagree. I do still slip and slide back into codependency, but I come here, vent, ask for advice, whatever and get re-grounded.
As far as passing drug tests? Trust me, A's are extremely resourceful at protecting their addiction. You can catch them red-handed and they will usually come up with "it's only this once" or some other story. When we are actively using? That is all we care about, though we can be quite manipulative at telling "you" what we think you want to hear. The more you read around here, the more you'll see what I'm talking about.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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So what do you suggest i tell him now that were back at the "my life is out of control with you, i need you" point? Tell him i cant keep trying anymore? Again.....and hope i stick to it this time.
Its a very hard thing for me to let go of after all ive put in, but i have to think of all WE have lost i guess.
Its a very hard thing for me to let go of after all ive put in, but i have to think of all WE have lost i guess.
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Hes back to making almost $900 a week again, has $340 a month rent in his ghetto apartment that INCLUDES utilities, and a $70 a week car payment, thats it....yet, by sunday he is broke, with nothing to show for it.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" I want to be married and have a home, like a normal family does, im almost 30."
IMHO the possibility of that happening with him is slim and none.
Perhaps it is time for you to work on you, figure out why you keep gravitating to men who are unavailable.
Are you attending Naranon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? If not, I would suggest that you do both.
IMHO the possibility of that happening with him is slim and none.
Perhaps it is time for you to work on you, figure out why you keep gravitating to men who are unavailable.
Are you attending Naranon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? If not, I would suggest that you do both.
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He switched companies that he works for this year and refuses to tell me where he is working so i cant get any money. I have called child support and they sent me a courtdate but its not until Aug, and by then hes going to be close to being unemployed for the winter again.
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He paid nothing for the first one for the first 2 years, I finally got a courtdate, and they took out a whole $70 a week cuz he lied about what he made and they didnt ask for proof. But 70 was better than nothing. Now I have his 2nd child and have to do this all over again hoping that i dont get completely screwed.
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