5 years wasted?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 27
Even then, he would bitch at me or try to make me feel bad and say he always had so little money or ran out so fast because i was taking all his money.....when i clearly wasnt. It takes much more than that to raise a child.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 27
I did what i did with him because i know Im not perfect and thought forgiving him and trying to help him and understand was best rather than be mad and unforgiving.
I dont have a history of attracting addicts, my oldests daughters father was a couples years younger than me when i had her and i was very young myself. He got scared and ran off basically because he was a child still....so was i, but i had no choice other than to love and be the parent to her.
I dont have a history of attracting addicts, my oldests daughters father was a couples years younger than me when i had her and i was very young myself. He got scared and ran off basically because he was a child still....so was i, but i had no choice other than to love and be the parent to her.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 27
Yes, my parents wont just put us out on the streets and will be there for me as they have been. I do hate living there and feeling like a "bad mom" who cant support her kids though. I have a parttime job and take parttime night classes right now. I fully supply grocerys for the whole house to make up for rent i currently cannot pay since its alot to take care of all 4 of us. But im working on it 
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Join Date: May 2012
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Ill never know when hes truely "no longer an addict". I really did believe him a couple times, only to be let down. He is, as im sure all addicts are, very sneaky and good at hiding it until it once again gets out of control.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Hjandro))) - I am dependent on my dad, thanks to the consequences of my addiction. I can't buy food for the househould (me, him, stepmom and 18-year-old pregnant niece), but I do what I can to help out.
I totally understand whether you'll ever believe he is "no longer an addict". Truth is, we are ALWAYS addicts...once that switch has been flipped, chemically, mentally, etc., we can't undo it. We CAN however, get into recovery and stay there.
When I finally called it quits with XABF#3, I WAS in recovery..for both addiction and codependency. I've regained trust of family and friends, my actions speak "recovery" loud and clear. However, I realized one day, that it wouldn't matter if he (or XABF#1..#2 I really didn't feelings for) had 5 years in recovery, I would STILL be waiting for "the other shoe to drop". Was I going to come home one day and find everything I owned sold/traded for drugs? Was I going to find out XABF#1 had other gf's (which he did when we were together, and I was so codie I accepted it).
That's why I say, when I said "I can't do this any more" I felt it in my heart, head, and gut. Trust me, it's usually hard to get all three to agree, but I'd had enough.
I'd worn through TWO copies of "codependent no more" with the 1st XABF. It didn't click. I still felt "but MY situation is different". I lurked on SR for 2 years..got clean, had a short relapse, but kept getting drawn back to this forum. I had 6 months in recovery when I signed on.
It took reading "my story" here, over and over, to finally sink in. Trust my gut, look at ACTIONS, stop listening to words.
I totally understand why some link all addicts into something bad. They (including me) have been hurt beyond belief, we've been let down, we've been lied to, and we come away feeling like idiots (okay...that's just me).
My niece, who is 4 mos pregnant has an A dad...has been one since he was about 14, has been in/out of jail/prison her entire life. SHE is 4th or 5th generation A, ACOA, codie, you name it. She wants nothing to do with him, but we NEVER said bad things about him when she was growing up..we let her learn for herself. She once yelled at him "well AMY can get off of crack, WTF is YOUR problem?!?!?!".
I work my recoveries, I talk to her about drugs, codependency, etc. but sometimes it feels like I'm just not getting through. It's okay. We LOVE each other, she knows I have her back if someone messes with her, but she also knows I don't fall for the "poor me" thing (her mom died in a car wreck when she was 1, A stepmom and enabling dad raised her).
I'm sorry this is so long, but I have gotten SO much support here, that I can live in "dysfunction junction" and still reach for my goals. Will he recover? It's up to him. If he's all talk and no action? He's not there yet. He may never be.
You are NOT a bad mom because you can't support your kids, any more than I'm a bad person because I'm living with my family at age 50....30 years of codependency, more than 10 of drug abuse and addiction. We're doing the best we can do, and you have removed your kids from a bad environment.
It's been incredibly hard for me to accept help, but I finally got to the point where I could and you will, too. I know that if it weren't for the great people in this forum, I would NOT have 5 years in recovery. I would NOT be 5 classes away from a degree in college, and I would NOT have faith that I will be okay. You will, too sweetie - you and your babies, because you have taken the step to come here and ask questions, learn hard truths, and keep coming back
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I totally understand whether you'll ever believe he is "no longer an addict". Truth is, we are ALWAYS addicts...once that switch has been flipped, chemically, mentally, etc., we can't undo it. We CAN however, get into recovery and stay there.
When I finally called it quits with XABF#3, I WAS in recovery..for both addiction and codependency. I've regained trust of family and friends, my actions speak "recovery" loud and clear. However, I realized one day, that it wouldn't matter if he (or XABF#1..#2 I really didn't feelings for) had 5 years in recovery, I would STILL be waiting for "the other shoe to drop". Was I going to come home one day and find everything I owned sold/traded for drugs? Was I going to find out XABF#1 had other gf's (which he did when we were together, and I was so codie I accepted it).
That's why I say, when I said "I can't do this any more" I felt it in my heart, head, and gut. Trust me, it's usually hard to get all three to agree, but I'd had enough.
I'd worn through TWO copies of "codependent no more" with the 1st XABF. It didn't click. I still felt "but MY situation is different". I lurked on SR for 2 years..got clean, had a short relapse, but kept getting drawn back to this forum. I had 6 months in recovery when I signed on.
It took reading "my story" here, over and over, to finally sink in. Trust my gut, look at ACTIONS, stop listening to words.
I totally understand why some link all addicts into something bad. They (including me) have been hurt beyond belief, we've been let down, we've been lied to, and we come away feeling like idiots (okay...that's just me).
My niece, who is 4 mos pregnant has an A dad...has been one since he was about 14, has been in/out of jail/prison her entire life. SHE is 4th or 5th generation A, ACOA, codie, you name it. She wants nothing to do with him, but we NEVER said bad things about him when she was growing up..we let her learn for herself. She once yelled at him "well AMY can get off of crack, WTF is YOUR problem?!?!?!".
I work my recoveries, I talk to her about drugs, codependency, etc. but sometimes it feels like I'm just not getting through. It's okay. We LOVE each other, she knows I have her back if someone messes with her, but she also knows I don't fall for the "poor me" thing (her mom died in a car wreck when she was 1, A stepmom and enabling dad raised her).
I'm sorry this is so long, but I have gotten SO much support here, that I can live in "dysfunction junction" and still reach for my goals. Will he recover? It's up to him. If he's all talk and no action? He's not there yet. He may never be.
You are NOT a bad mom because you can't support your kids, any more than I'm a bad person because I'm living with my family at age 50....30 years of codependency, more than 10 of drug abuse and addiction. We're doing the best we can do, and you have removed your kids from a bad environment.
It's been incredibly hard for me to accept help, but I finally got to the point where I could and you will, too. I know that if it weren't for the great people in this forum, I would NOT have 5 years in recovery. I would NOT be 5 classes away from a degree in college, and I would NOT have faith that I will be okay. You will, too sweetie - you and your babies, because you have taken the step to come here and ask questions, learn hard truths, and keep coming back
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Step One
We admitted we were powerless over the addict and our lives had become unmanageable.
Go back. Read your posts. They were causing ME anxiety and it's not my life! Is your life unmanageable? Do you think you can "fix" or "control" this man? If you can admit that you cannot control him and that your life has become unmanageable, you have completed Step One of a 12 Step program. There are 11 more steps that can help you if you truly want things to change.
As long as you continue to focus on him and what he is up to; as long as you let him play King Baby in your family; as long as you continue to allow the anxiety of his "possible death" to occupy space in your head.....nothing will change. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
Do you want things to change? Change begins with you......you can't change him.
Welcome to SR....this is a great forum with people with a tremendous amount of collective wisdom on dealing with and loving an addict.
I hope you stick around. Learn. Read. Post. Take it in. Digest it. And begin to make life better for yourself and, most importantly, for those children. They deserve it. You deserve it.
gentle hugs
ke
"The truth will set you free......but first it's going to pi$$ you off." ~ Gloria Steinem
We admitted we were powerless over the addict and our lives had become unmanageable.
Go back. Read your posts. They were causing ME anxiety and it's not my life! Is your life unmanageable? Do you think you can "fix" or "control" this man? If you can admit that you cannot control him and that your life has become unmanageable, you have completed Step One of a 12 Step program. There are 11 more steps that can help you if you truly want things to change.
As long as you continue to focus on him and what he is up to; as long as you let him play King Baby in your family; as long as you continue to allow the anxiety of his "possible death" to occupy space in your head.....nothing will change. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
Do you want things to change? Change begins with you......you can't change him.
Welcome to SR....this is a great forum with people with a tremendous amount of collective wisdom on dealing with and loving an addict.
I hope you stick around. Learn. Read. Post. Take it in. Digest it. And begin to make life better for yourself and, most importantly, for those children. They deserve it. You deserve it.
gentle hugs
ke
"The truth will set you free......but first it's going to pi$$ you off." ~ Gloria Steinem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 27
I dont know.... I think i lost myself in the process of watching him become someone else. I feel like it is my job to take care of him while he is here because i know it cant be much longer. I know that sounds insane but thats how i feel. I have never met someone that could do such things to me and my family and i would continuously forgive. And unless im talking, typing or writing about all the bad times (which def out-weigh the good), all i can think about is all the happy times.
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