MartinD16GT

I'll try to spare you the lengthy explanation about my brother's (Bubba) substance abuse and how it has wrecked his life and severely damaged the lives around him - but these things tend to get long anyway. Bringing you to the present: after most recent detox, he's using again. His "friends" get him whatever. But since his life is wrecked and he has no regular income, he's been preying on our chemo patient mother. In her sickest moments he's called (he lives in another city) and made her get out of bed and go deposit money into his account while he waited in the McDonald's parking lot because he has no food. He's 54 by the way. Bubba has threatened suicide a few times. He sounds pityful and serious when he does it. My little brother did actually commit suicide. So this has a predictable effect on my mother.

My daughter was graduating college (in his city) and he called to see what time the graduation was. I'm so angry and he's been such sh*t to my wife and me and an embarrasment to everyone in the past and he's still using that I told him "don't bother. You're the elephant in the room and we just want to celebrate my daughter's accomplishments without you clouding up the place". She graduated Summa Cumm Laude in Nursing and we were told not to make too much out of it becuase it would make Bubba and his son feel bad.

Now my mother hates me more than she did already. My other brother say's I was "cruel" because Bubba was "reaching out" to reconnect. He pulls their strings and they dance. Mom says "relapse is part of this. He's sick. You need to be more supportive". Bubba tells them he's going to AA meetings twice a day. He's been "relapsing" for 20 years you see. He ruined his 2 marriages and our relationship. I'll leave his boys out of this. But they're struggling too.

My wife and I have been and still are the target. But we're victims. Bubba destroyed our relationship and those in the entire family. He was my favorite brother back in the day. He's a piece of sh*t now. But "he's sick" remember?

I see this as the only "sickness" where the individual is the only one with the cure. Not me or mom or his 2 wives or anyone. So cowboy up buckaroo. Its only you!

I know yall say to read on SR and learn the word "detachment". I must tend to my cancer recovering 83 year old mother. So how exactly does one detatch? He's playing her like a fiddle. Its disgusting.

Kindeyes

Yes.....your brother is sick.....very sick. And it's he77 to watch him play your mother and other siblings. They are sick too. We all are. That is what addiction does to families.

Your anger and resentment is palatable in your post. And believe me, I do understand it but that anger and resentment can be as toxic to the family as your brother's addiction. If you truly want to help your dear mother (and I'm speaking as one), be firm in your conviction not to enable your brother but try to let go of the anger toward him. It may be adding to your mother's anxiety.

My dear daughter watched me enable her brother for a very long time. I had no idea she was being hurt by my actions. She was rude to her brother and it ticked me off. I saw HER behavior while I was blind to my son's. She eventually lost the anger and detached from him and from ME. That was so difficult but so necessary for me to see. She was never cruel or cold or rude.......I simply could feel her detachment from the situation. She demonstrated healthy detachment for me and I love her for that. She walked the path of recovery before I did. She showed me how. Somehow she did it without going to meetings--she's such a smart young woman (takes after her father).

You have so much on your plate and have had so much to deal with.....it must be overwhelming for you. Please......take care of you first. You can't make your brother stop taking drugs and you can't stop your mother's or other sibling's enabling......they'll stop if and when they are ready and not a moment sooner. Show them how to detach without anger and resentment and they may follow your example. But even if they don't....you'll feel a whole lot better.

gentle hugs
ke

EnglishGarden

I'm very sorry for your pain as you watch your elderly mother struggle with cancer and chemotherapy and her drug-addicted son. I know it makes you furious to watch the relationship she has with your brother, Bubba, and to see his manipulation of her and her defending of him.

Recovery from the family disease of adiction means, in part, to respect anyone's right to live his or her life as he or she wishes. To acknowledge that that person's choices are his or her own--right or wrong--and that that person may indeed have destructive relationships or parasitic relationships with family members or friends and that is part of the path of his or her life.

Your mother birthed your drug addict brother, she has a relationship with him which is beyond your understanding and which has always been, essentially, none of your business. This is what recovery means in the family of addiction: boundaries.

It only depletes you and creates a poison in you to resent your brother and your other family members for not living the life you would have them live. Your challenge is to detach from your own self-righteous attitudes and to turn your focus onto yourself, to accept that their paths are theirs and yours is yours.

Your brother is eaten up with addiction, which means he is incapable of empathy and right action. He will exploit anyone because he is eaten up with drugs. And each person in his personal life--your mother, your other family members--has, always, the right to respond to him however he or she wishes to respond. To be used or not. To defend or not. To seek recovery or not.

In your family everyone is an adult. Only when little children are involved do we have any responsibility to interfere with the damage being wrought by someone's addiction.

Beyond that, our task in recovery is to accept that every individual has a life journey, life lessons, and life choices. Every individual has a relationship with God, as that individual sees God. And that every individual is connected to the other people in his or her life for a reason we cannot know nor should try to assume we understand.

If your daughter did not want Bubba at her graduation, that was her choice. If you made that choice, solo, because you wanted Bubba to get the message, or because you yourself didn't want to see Bubba, you were interfering. It was your daughter's call, not yours.

And if your mother wants to supply his account so he can eat at McDonald's, that is her choice. If she has dementia, then it will be your right to intervene. But today she does not.

You may think everyone has a problem and you do not. But in the family of addiction, I assure you, all are unwell.

I hope you will consider getting into recovery so to find your center again, and some peace. You are in great pain. I hope you seek treatment for yourself. You deserve the serenity that can be had in recovery.

wicked

Detaching is letting go of the thought you have any control to change someone other than yourself.
You sound angry at your brother for becoming such a parasitic waste, I can feel it, because I felt that way about my brother. I was the oldest, and I had to listen to my mother talk and talk and talk about my brother and his never ending problems. I wish I had known about alanon then. Or detachment.
My mother had high blood pressure and his "emergencies" would affect her physically. I asked her to stop talking about him because it made me ill. His addictions, his gf, his son, I was sick and tired of it. She did cut back, but she said, "He is your brother, and my son, I love both of you no matter what."
At the time I was in my early twenties and started on my own drinking career. I wish I had any knowledge then about having an addicted child. Now, I have my own addicted children, and both of them are jealous of their relationship with me.
I had to ask my daughter to stop speaking of my oldest, because even if he is dying from his addiction to Heroin, and he stole money from me, he is still my son. As long as I am alive I will hope for a miracle, but not expect one.
Turns out my daughter was distracting me from her own growing addiction to weed and alcohol. Funny, her brother protected and lied for her. Stupid kids.

Anyway, your mom has lost a son to suicide, and Bubba is killing himself daily with his addiction. He is not a good son, this is true and your mom knows it. She does not need to hear it from you.
So, I suggest if your mom brings up Bubba and his latest escapade in Heroin land, say kindly, "mother, I know you love Bubba, but it makes me upset and angry the way I see him behaving. I cannot control him or you, but I do not want to hear about him. I am sad at his choices in life and no longer wish to know what he is doing or saying."

Then, when Bubba comes up, remind her that you no longer want a front seat to his demise and change the subject. Talk about your daughter and how well she is doing. Talk about good things that are happening with you. Talk about any special memories you have of your mother. But, please, I am asking do not say anything terrible about Bubba, he may be 54, but he is still her son.
When my children speak badly about each other, it hurts me.

I hope I made some kind of sense here, it did help me to focus on what is bothering me with my kids. I have 3 grown children.
Detach from the addicted person, and your life will improve.

Beth

ETA: Please read EnglishGarden's post several times. The parts that make you wince a little -- they are true.
Today is the day you can change.
:ghug3

MartinD16GT

Does "detachment" mean no contact? Or am I supposed to play like nothing is bothering me? I honestly don't know what to do. And yes, I'm angry. I think I deserve some anger time. Bubba is an ass. He has ruined my family. (and his of course). Everybody is patting his little head. Saying "poor Bubba is sick". Oops. He took some more drugs. "Relapse is part of the process". You know what? I do the right thing. I go to work - even when it sucks. I pay my bills. I raise wonderful kids. I struggle too you know. Life aint so easy. But guess what? I don't lie, steal, con people out of money for my bills. My kids think I'm a good dad. That's all good. And Bubba ruins our family (not mine, ours) and when I say stay away from my celebration of my kid, I'm the ass. He's not the ass. I am. He was slurring his speach that day by the way. It was nice not having to deal with that.

So really, what does "detachment" mean exactly?

Heartbroken0608

I think you had every right to not have Bubba at your daughters graduation. You made a decision that you didn't want someone under the influence of drugs involved in your celebration. That is your boundary. The other members of your family obviously didnt like your boundary...and they have every right to feel that way too. Right or wrong.

Something I've learned on here is "what other people think of me is none of my business". Not everyone is going to agree with my decisions, but that doesn't mean I dont have a right to make those decisions. There are a few members of my family who are not speaking to me. They feel I am abandoning my son. It hurts a LOT to have lost these previously close relationships, but I know that the boundaries I've set are what I need to do to maintain my sanity. If they choose to try to "help" my son (which ironically they haven't) that will be their decision and there will be nothing I can do to stop them. I would need to respect their choices just as I'm asking them to respect mine.

The more you focus on you, on what you can control and what you can't, the sooner your anger will subside. I'd highly recommend finding some meetings to attend. I think you'll find they really help a lot.

outtolunch

You have no more control over your mom than you do your brother. They both are living their lives as they see fit to do, regardless of the consequences.

The only thing you control is your reaction. Would some professional counseling regarding boundaries and reactions help you over this hump?

lbird420

As some one who is struggling with addiction and also as someone who has had a mother go through cancer I see both sides. You are family and he is probably dealing with you mother differently. I wish I knew why people deal with hard times differently but we do. Don't go to anger. He is keeping down his hurt and sadness and his life is painful to the point where drugs are an escape. Talk to him and not judging but say you understand that he has things going on and he has done things but even though you are upset and sad, you will never leave him. Show him that there is life worth living and support him and rather than yell, get involved really in his life. Its more effort but it will get better results I think. Encourage that he is strong enough and has potential to be great.

dbh

Thank you for posting Martin.

I found the responses to your post interesting. One of the things that I like about SoberRecovery is that you can get the perspective from all the "players" involved in addiction - the addicts, the parents, the spouses, and extended family members.

My father was the addict in my life. He was an alcoholic. He was also an a$$ at times :-) Went for years without paying for child support, lied to us, stole from us, and yet always wanted our support. He died almost three years ago.

He never gave up drinking and blamed others up until the day he died.

I was angry with him for a very long time.

He wasn't invited to my wedding.

Working on my own recovery program helped me detach from his craziness. For me, it was a process of realizing that my entire family was sick (not just my dad). Detaching from my father and the other members of my family of origin meant that I had to be "ok" even if they continued on with their dysfunction. Your mom might continue to enable your brother for the rest of her life. She might be too old to change or perhaps not strong enough to lose two children. YOU can't change her though.

Detachment for me doesn't mean that I approve, it's the realization that they are adults and get to chose how they want to live their life (and spend their money).

I actually did end up helping my father near the end of his life but it was on my terms. My kids were still young and I made sure that me helping him didn't negatively affect their lives. I also made sure that I took care of myself.

Congratulations on creating your own healthy family.

Keep coming back!

db

Kindeyes

Sure you deserve some angry time.....but is it angry time or just plain "angry all the time" time? If you are like many of us, it's the latter. We get so sick and tired of the addicts antics and the enablers nonsense (even when we are the enabler), we fail to see that we play a role as well.

You can complain about it. You can feel resentment about it. You can feel anger about it. There is a time for those emotions. They can sometimes spur us into a particular action but if we decide to just "hang out" with those emotions indefinately, it begins to have a more negative impact on US than it does on those we feel are the root cause of those feelings. Ultimately, they are your feelings and you get to own them. None of those emotions/feelings are particularly productive if they go on and on and they take a great deal of energy to maintain.

There's a wonderful saying: Resentment is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Detachment is taking that energy that is wasted on those non-productive, unending emotions and channeling it toward healthier behaviors or attitudes. Taking those emotions and turning them into boundaries, for instance. That would be a healthier outlet for that energy.

I understand how easy it is to look at our own lives and feel like we're doing all the "right" stuff and the addict, who seems to be a perpetual f-up, is getting all the attention and help. Detachment is a change of thought process. Detachment is a part of controlling that which we DO have control of and letting go of the things (and emotions associated with those things) that we do not control.

These are the things that Nar-Anon and Al-Anon can teach people how to do. But only if they are open minded enough to learn them.

gentle hugs
ke

MartinD16GT

Thanks everyone for your responses. I really appreciate it.

Briefly, what I've found is the best for me, the conditions where I'm not angry and pissed at the whole situation, is when I get away from all those people. We just hang with friends or my girls and have a nice time. But you see I'm the only son in town with my mother. So its impossible to not be in it at least to some degree. Mom took us all to brunch the other day, with my neice and her husband, to celebrate my daughter's Summa Cumm Laude graduation. It was nice. Self-centered user Jerkwad Bubba never came up.

I've read your responses several times. I want to read them some more and digest it before I ramble too much. There's good stuff there. But it gets diluted in the emotion. I'm looking for something akin to the Top 10 List of Thoughts that I can jot on a card and refer to from time to time.

Thanks again.....

crazybabie

There are also meetings online, maybe that is an option for you?

BeavsDad

I have a situation similiar to yours.
Once I learned (and accepted) that I wasn't going to be able to change my mom or brother I decided to minimize contact with both of them for a while.

I felt guilty for a bit but once I realized how much my stress had decreased the guilt subsided.

Turns out I was the only one stressed and in panic mode. They were just living their lives normally.

When I did see either of them I resisted all urges to bring up my issues.
It was awkward ignoring the "elephant" at first, but I didn't want to completely cut off contact with my mom.

Now my "Bubba" is going to visit his friends in prison for awhile and I've already begun to work on strengthening my relationship with my mom.

It's a tough spot and I wish you luck.

P.S. - I just picked up a Martin HD-28 and I am in love.

Anaya

Wow. Powerful and so true.

To Martin: Welcome to SR. I'm sorry to hear of the circumstances that brought you here.

MartinD16GT

You can't make your brother stop taking drugs and you can't stop your mother's or other sibling's enabling......they'll stop if and when they are ready and not a moment sooner.

Your challenge is to detach from your own self-righteous attitudes and to turn your focus onto yourself, to accept that their paths are theirs and yours is yours.

Your brother is eaten up with addiction, which means he is incapable of empathy and right action. He will exploit anyone because he is eaten up with drugs. And each person in his personal life--your mother, your other family members--has, always, the right to respond to him however he or she wishes to respond. To be used or not. To defend or not. To seek recovery or not.

Detaching is letting go of the thought you have any control to change someone other than yourself.

Anyway, your mom has lost a son to suicide, and Bubba is killing himself daily with his addiction. He is not a good son, this is true and your mom knows it. She does not need to hear it from you.

"mother, I know you love Bubba, but it makes me upset and angry the way I see him behaving. I cannot control him or you, but I do not want to hear about him. I am sad at his choices in life and no longer wish to know what he is doing or saying."

Then, when Bubba comes up, remind her that you no longer want a front seat to his demise and change the subject. Talk about your daughter and how well she is doing. Talk about good things that are happening with you. Talk about any special memories you have of your mother. But, please, I am asking do not say anything terrible about Bubba, he may be 54, but he is still her son.
When my children speak badly about each other, it hurts me.

I think you had every right to not have Bubba at your daughters graduation. You made a decision that you didn't want someone under the influence of drugs involved in your celebration. That is your boundary. The other members of your family obviously didnt like your boundary...and they have every right to feel that way too. Right or wrong.

Something I've learned on here is "what other people think of me is none of my business". Not everyone is going to agree with my decisions, but that doesn't mean I dont have a right to make those decisions.

Talk to him and not judging but say you understand that he has things going on and he has done things but even though you are upset and sad, you will never leave him.

Encourage that he is strong enough and has potential to be great.

Detachment for me doesn't mean that I approve, it's the realization that they are adults and get to chose how they want to live their life (and spend their money).

Congratulations on creating your own healthy family.

There's a wonderful saying: Resentment is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Turns out I was the only one stressed and in panic mode. They were just living their lives normally.

gentle hugs

Yall are great. I've tried to imagine if one of my daughters was the addict. You parents have it the worst. Just like my mom.

Kindeyes

This demonstrates a wonderful shift in thought process. That's really great. It's a process. When I rid myself of anger and resentment, I feel better. I hope you will too.

gentle hugs
ke

MartinD16GT

So, a year and a half later:

Bubba is almost dead. Mom is 85. Probably weighs 95. Starting 4th round of chemo. She was told recently by Bubba's neighbor (the only person who is helping him now...I wonder how long that will last) that every dollar she sends him is going to drugs. Example by example. She says she believes the neighbor (who she's never met). So she sent neighbor the money for this or that. Maybe neighbor is on the up and up. Who knows? Supposedly he's a relative of the other neighbor who supplied Bubba with Oxy this or that. So maybe he just scored???

Yesterday she tells me this stuff because he's my brother and I should care.

I say "talk to a professional. They have PhDs and MDs. They have seen this 1000s of times. They can give you direction."

I'm told "don't lecture me." Trust me. I've learned not to be caught lecturing. I literally said, and I quote, beginning to end: "talk to a professional. They have PhDs and MDs. They have seen this 1000s of times. They can give you direction." It sounds like a long lecture if you add it to the other times over the years that I've said the same thing.

They (mom and older brother) are frustrated of course, and they redirect their assault towards me sometimes. "What would you do if it was one of your daughters?" I don't know what I'm talking about. I acknowledge I'm easy to argue with. You could poke holes in my schemes. I'm not the professional. I always say "I would talk to a professional."

I think we all know that aintagonna happen. Mom says they don't know Bubba. They don't know the situation. They don't know what they're talking about. (This coming from a highly respected, retired CEO...really sharp woman...)

My family tells me we (wife and I) don't care. How can we be so cruel?

In other words, nothing much has changed. Except for the worse, I guess. Bubba wanted to check in to another facility. But didn't show up twice. So supposedly they won't take him now. Also, he walks out of them. Is there a place (other than jail) where he has to stay for a couple of years and can't leave?

My insides are knotted. But only when I have to think about Bubba and the situation. When I get away from it, I feel better. Lucky me, I can detach. I'm the swami on a bed of nails. Mom can't. Of course not. I wish she would've been seeing some pro. Or poking around SR dot com. She talked to one guy 2 years ago. One time.

Maybe I don't come here often enough. But when I do, I'm all knotted up for one reason or another. And remember, in my denial or detachment, I stay away from everything Bubba. And I live most of my life knot-free. Hence the 1.5 years since the last post. And I do feel better because of your support. I'm truly sorry for all of your pain. It sucks.

My wife and daughters are doing great. One daughter working and headed back to school for Nurse Practitioner. Other in college and involved in everything. Smart girls. Well liked, respected, appreciated. They love their dad. That's where I've been hiding. Lucky me. Really.

sojourner

I had a long post, but then I realized I was answering something from 2012.

Martin, come back here more often - not just when you are overwhelmed - like you already realize. Perhaps you could take the advise you gave but instead go to Alanon meetings if you are not already part of them. Those meetings will help you.

Kindeyes

Martin......anyone who gets between an addict and their drug of choice......is the enemy.

Your brother is your mother's drug of choice.

I am speaking as the mother of an addict.....and believe me.....there was a point in time that if anyone so much as mentioned that I was enabling him, all he77 would have broken loose......and the messenger would have been shot through and through.

So.....what to do.....responses like "hmmmm" or "I see" or "ok" or no response at all work well.

The "you are cold" or "how can you be so cruel" are simply statements of manipulation to make you second guess yourself. F.O.G. = fear, obligation, guilt......these are the tools of manipulation.....and they put our brains into a fog. Recognize when you are feeling these feelings while you are speaking to anyone and you'll have the tools you need to not fall prey to their words.

I second, third, and fourth the suggestion to get into private counseling, Nar-Anon meetings, Al-Anon meetings.....anything.....to work on taking care of you.....first and foremost.

gentle hugs
ke

hopeful4

First of all..congrats to your daughter and her accomplishment! What a great thing! She has worked hard...do not for one second minimize her celebrating that!

Although it is hard to understand, see it for what it is. Your family are completely codependent enablers. Unless they would receive some help for themselves they likely will never even recognize their behavior makes it worse.

It may be hard but necessary to disengage from them as much as you possibly can.

Taking the pain and uncomfort away from an addict robs them of any chance of recovery as they have to experience those emoations to even want recovery for themselves.

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it....for any of them.

I hope you and your daughter celebrate and are able to have a Merry Christmas.